we come together softly in the quietness of night, finally having time to be just us. throughout the day I have known where she was, I have felt like a compass where she is my North. At all times I feel her presence or her absence. All through our reunions, the joy of being home, seeing my sister and her son, the greater portion of me is just waiting to be with her. it is less than 24 hours since our revelation of love, and the feelings are new and raw and although mostly i feel the onfidence that ran through me when i chose to claim her, part of me still has the confusion and worry. i need to just disappear with her, spend time just joining and rejoining until we are definitively one. Making sure that we trust and love so much that we can slowly let out the hurt of seven years we have held apart, have failed, have tried to hold on to a hard dream in a harsh world, to forgive. Neither of us have talked much, and i am not certain when we will get the chance, there are so many people that still have claim on us. So many that are depending on her to steer them through. Spirits, but i need some peace. I just need that time together, to work out how we are going forwards.

-0-0-0-

I see Chakotay staring silently out of my bedroom window, gazing unseeing at the shadowed farmland beyond. He looks distinctly troubled, and i let worry seep into my heart. I tread softly, but he is already aware of my presence, and when I cup his face with a question on mine he smiles and enfolds me in his embrace and my worries that he has second thoughts about our love flies away. His lips meet mine and ignites a passion that flares like magnesium, so bright and white hot that it takes both of us and burns away our doubts and cares. Impossible to resist, we are both incandescant with our love and passion, intemperate in our blood, overwhelmed by our unity it is pure joy to share his love in this way. We lie after, curled softly against each other, tangled arms and legs, white and mocha. He kisses my forehead and spills words of love all around me. I am most thoroughly loved. When my heart beats more regularly again, I ask him. I could never stop myself from exploring a mystery or a secret.

-0-0-0-

how do i explain that in my joy of her, I am worried that our love may still fall away, that the wrong word, or movement might trigger all that has come between us in the past to erupt and destroy our fragile present. Spirits, that until we have the chance to make sure of us, I cannot truly feel at peace. In our new wonder, and joy of being together, how do I admit a concern without it appearing to reduce the love we share. I admit to her that I worry that I am not the man she believes I am. She looks at me seriously, her intense focus purely on me, and a small quirk appearing at the corner of her lips. 'Here we are', she tells me,' intimately joined, ensconced in my childhood bedroom having declared to friends family, and effectively the admiralty that we are a couple' - I cannot help but grin at that, she gives me a gentle punch - 'and I love you Chakotay, I promise only you, without restriction'. She smiles wistfully, 'i love the chakotay you were when we met, the chakotay on new earth, the chakotay that held my hand as i left to be assimilated, the chakotay that raved at me and pulled me back from the brink over the equinox, and the chakotay that i pushed away too hard and need to be forgiven for and the chakotay i thought i had finally lost. forgive me chakotay, i love all of you' i look down on this precious woman and hope that I truly can make this successful. the worry must still show, as she is gently tracing my tattoo with her fingers, and then her lips brush mine. 'Chakotay, what shall we do? how can i convince you?' She is convincing me of one thing, and that is that I am addicted to her touch, I come alive each time I hold her, and whereas once i was worried that this love would burn me away and leave me with nothing, now i see that I gain over and over again. Spirits help me though, I never imagined that it would be me requiring her reassurance, her steadiness in this love. It isn't that I doubt my love for her, my love is the whole essence of my being, and I am nothing without it. I doubt my ability to love her as she should be loved, to deserve this happiness, to be faithful to it. My life is full of broken promises, walking away. I had always pictured myself standing firm, reassuring as Kathryn rippled over and around commitment. I suddenly laugh, all or nothing she said, and that is what she is delivering. I am swept away again by the conviction of her love and the desire to believe, believe that finally I can be whole.

-0-0-0-

As I hold and stroke his dear face, adding kisses I am aware of the undercurrent of worry. I blame myself for holding him at arms length. for still having secrets, for not convincing him that this is for me, everything. i don't understand his shout of laughter. 'come on' I say, pulling quickly a skirt and a jumper on, and swiftly throwing joggers and sweats at him. 'come on chakotay! move it'. He is clearly caught between undressing me again or following, but i smile, and don't make it a command, so he follows. I pick up two bottles of champagne and swing us out of the house. I run us both to the transporter station, skipping a little and laughing. This is what freedom feels like, the ability to just run away! Chakotay is following, a bemused expression. I transport us both to lake George, to the jetty and drag him down to dangle his feet in the water and hold me in his arms. i flop back against him and look up to the skies and laugh. 'Remember, Chakotay, remember, we were promised to each other always. we have just taken the longer, harder route. remember that you are the breath that is in my lungs, you are the oxygen that powers my cells, the love that reminds my heart to beat. the stars up there, they shine just for us.' i wave my hands wildly taking in the starscape above us ' I don't know how to share my peace with you, my certainty, but chakotay, when have we ever failed, when we worked together? Have faith in me, let us find the quiet times together until we have a chance to run away. Just us.' i feel something in him start to relax. that is what we both need, peace, together. We are not going to have much chance of either. I feel him nuzzle at my neck, and instantly a warmth suffuses me, and I turn into his embrace. i can't quite believe that we are so free together, and turn to straddle his thighs, pressing myself against him, breathing in that Chakotay smell that drives my senses wild, kneeling around him, feeling him hard and needing against me. As our passion deepens, and my breath catches again, i have a thought freewheeling away from me, disbelief that we are out here in the open, making love. Our love making is like the ancient steelworks, hot and full of sparks, orange, gold and red shooting, fizzling into the night sky.

-0-0-0-

Somehow she has found a way to bring me to my peace. i had no idea where she was going, just living with her in the moment is enough sometimes for me. Caught up in her laughter, loping after her whilst she sung and danced to the transporter I was prepared to see what madcap adventure she was bringing me on. It is a delight to see her laughing so freely. Even at the other end, I have no idea until i can hear the lapping of water, and she is pulling me down a jetty that I recognise full well. Here we are, Lake George. Spirits, Oh how i remember this night back on voyager, after i thought i had lost her, after i nearly fucking lost her and my world stopped. She has brought me back here, to a moment of promise, and I see it, she is remaking that promise but for now as well as the future. Then she could only hope that i saw her promise, but knew that she couldn't or wouldn't act on her love, now she is bringing us back, in a circle to show that she never failed to love me. I think that might make my betrayal worse. In the quiet, I can hear the lapping of the water, the gentle night noises and I can believe that we are the only two people in this universe. It is in the quiet I find my confidence to embrace and try to understand the changes that have happened to me, Lake George to Lake George. To forgive myself as she has, the hard choices and the wrong choices we have both made when any choice seemed to hard sometimes. Her quiet words fill me with hope, no legends, just her truth. She has led me across the universe safely, she can lead me here safely too, trust in her love. my gentle kisses turn to fierce passion, and together, in the peace of nature, i can start to believe in myself again. Our kisses deepen, and when Kathryn reaches close and swings herself round on my lap it doesn't need prescience to see where tonight is going. I shout my joy to the heavens several times that night, as Kathryn and I sate our physical passion, and the early bird calls are all too soon telling us that time has passed and the morning is coming. Some of the pain in me unwinds this night, and an ease starts to appear within my chest as i breathe. We race back to the transporter, still laughing and creep back into the family home as dawn starts to turn the horizon orange. Back in her room we hold each other close on the bed, and soon I am peacefully sleeping.

-0-0-0-

I watch him smile as he falls asleep, and i can feel that some of his troubled mindset is unwinding. I led him too long a dance, too many a mistep and he is afraid that he might fail again. I celebrated and danced out my fears on Voyager yesterday, and before that the admiral was my clarion call to change. I am not myself yet, but enough to know who I am and where to begin reshaping my world. He spent yesterday in confusion, caught between two destinies, without the benefit of the harsh counsel I received to look clearly at what i was and what i might become. Yet he chose the harder path, he chose me. I look at his face, and know that my current mission is to help him re-find the man he wants to be. I am using New earth as my inspiration, and that seems to have helped last night. I plan to find our medicine bundles and make sure that amongst the love and family, we have some time for ourselves too. I need to help him come home too. I continue thinking on this vein and wonder hmmm, I wonder. I smile. I think I have a plan. I will need to talk to admiral paris.

Soon mother is letting off that damned klaxon, and chakotay jumps up automatically looking for his uniform. He grumps all the way downstairs that this is the second false alarm in as many nights. I place the largest kiss to stop his lips, and we are distracted enough to make a late arrival to breakfast. I have no idea why people feel the need to cheer. I admit to looking rather smug, and glancing to my left, so does Chakotay. we are going to be all right.

-0-0-0-

I have loved this time in Indiana after all, reconnecting with my sister, playing with the 3 children, my nephews and niece. Talking and making a connection with icheb. in my heart, I know that i plan to spend the rest of my life with kathryn. all the people in this house are my family. gretchen, I adore. How can i not, when she is Kathryn's mother, and they share so much. Each day Kathryn and I have taken a couple of hours to explore the farm on our own, and I was overwhelmed when she produced our medicine bundles. i hadn't know that she had continued to add to hers. Connecting with her, in the quiet of the indiana countryside, connecting again with my spirit world I feel the healing. Sneaking out in the late of the night to make love under the stars wildly and without inhibition. Spirits, but I can feel myself binding back together, becoming the man i should be again. It was so clear how the delta quadrant took everything Kathryn had to give, and yet I didn't see that i had suffered so much too. Now we are healing together. She calls me imperiously to quit mooching and come with her to some picnic with the Parises, and with a small grin, I slowly amble to her side and kiss her. 'yours to command, my dear'