Chapter 10
Fitz Ex Machina
There was a series of metallic clunks, and when Zim opened his eyes he was surprised to find that he was indeed still alive. The Comanche stood in a line, eyes wide, their bows empty. The arrows all rested—broken—on the ground near Zim. How could this have happened? Was Zim now arrow-proof? Did he have powers?
"Hey Zim! Up here!"
Zim cast his gaze above him to see . . . the DeLorean?! How was that possible? Hadn't it been destroyed upon his arrival to the Zardoz future? There was Doc Brown at the wheel, and Fitz hung out the open door, lowering a rope. He wore the weird glasses and the yellow slicker from when he'd visited the future to prevent the end of the world.
Zim looked around and saw that Doc Brown was on the horse, dead. How could he be in two places at the same time? Pair o'cox?
The Comanche reloaded their bows. Fitz shouted, "Grab the rope, you moron! We gotta get out of here!"
"Great Scott, Fitz!" Zim didn't hesitate. He grabbed the rope and wrapped his arm in it. The DeLorean soared higher, and he was lifted off the back of the horse. The Comanche watched, terrified, as Zim sailed through the air and out of danger. They did not even bother to fire after him.
As they went higher Zim caught—out of the corner of his eye—the other DeLorean, the one driven by Past Zim, who was undoubtedly on his way to the Zardoz future . . . except the Zardoz future no longer existed. Remembering from when he dealt with the Terminator, and time folded to eliminate a canceled alternate universe, why hadn't he found himself in his proper place in the continuum? Shouldn't it have happened automatically?
He watched as Past Zim's DeLorean sped up and vanished, leaving nothing but a pair of flame trails across the prairie. Still, Zim remained here in the Old West, clinging to the rope hanging out of the flying time machine.
Then he remembered what Future Zim had said about him being a constant. Perhaps it was because of this that he remained in the west.
The DeLorean came down to rest on a hill far away from the skirmish. It descended gently, allowing Zim to land comfortably. It was at this point that Zim noticed the dents where the Comanche arrows had clashed against the car.
When it was all the way down, Fitz jumped out. "What the fuck, man? When did you grow a mustache?"
"Dude, where did you come from? How did you know I needed help?"
"It was Doc," Fitz said. "We were heading back from the future, where we'd just saved the world, and we kind of blinked out of existence for a moment. When we came back Doc said there was a disturbance in the Force—"
"The space/time continuum!" Doc shouted.
"Right. That. Anyway, he determined it was coming from back here, so we came back to fix it, and we found you."
"So, wait a minute," Zim said. "You don't know about the flask thing yet?"
"What flask thing?"
"This?" Doc Brown held up the shiny object that had started all of this. "It looks kind of like a flask, sure. I was going to give it to you, Fitz, in case you're ever in danger."
"So you don't know about the alien drug dealer?" Zim asked. "The guy who kept saying that he came in peace."
Fitz sighed. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I just want to know why you're dressed like that. And how did you get back to the west?"
"It's a long story," Zim said. Then he remembered something he thought he should bring up. "Doc, there's something I have to tell you. About what's going to happen to you."
Doc clapped his hands over his ears. "I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! I DON'T WANT TO TOY WITH THE CONTINUUM!"
"Actually I don't think you were meant to be killed by Indians," Zim said.
"I can't hear you! I can't hear you!"
"Dude, that sucks," Fitz said. "Hey Doc. I think you should really know this. Forget that paradox thing."
"NO! No! I can't hear you!"
"Ah, fuck it," Zim said. "Let's just go back to the future."
"Do you remember the date you left on?" Doc asked.
It took Zim a moment, but he figured it out and said so.
"Whoa," Fitz said. "You're Future Zim Jesus."
"Get in!" Doc Brown yelled. "I don't know how much juice I have left, but I have to get Fitz back to his time, too!"
"There's only room for two people in here," Fitz said.
"You'll have to sit on Zim's lap!" Doc said.
Fitz and Zim exchanged a glance. "No way," Zim said. "That's kind of gay."
"We don't have time for this! Get in so we can leave!"
"Don't get a boner," Fitz said.
"Fuck you," Zim said.
"I just saved your life."
"Yeah, I just saved the future."
"So did I. In the future."
"The future I saved is my present. Beat that."
"Shut up!" Doc yelled. "Get in! Or I'll leave you both here to fend for yourselves!"
Zim sighed. "Fine. Let's go."
He got into the car, and Fitz eased in onto his lap. "Can I tell you what I want for Christmas?"
"Fuck you," Zim said.
Doc Brown rolled his eyes. "It's going to be a loooooooooong ride."
Soon the DeLorean pulled away from the apartment complex, and Zim was staggering up to the screen door. It was still open because he remembered he'd left it open. He pushed in and kicked his shoes off, eager for bed. In Fitz's bedroom something went off with a flash, and he assumed it was Past Zim embarking on his journey. Good for him.
Zim went into his bedroom and struggled out of his Old West clothes until he was dressed only in his boxers. He sat on the edge of his bed and prepared to lay his head down for some quality sleep. And then someone came knocking at the door.
"If that's you, Doc, I'm not answering!"
"Hurry up! We need your help!"
Zim sighed and staggered over to the front door. He peered through the peephole and saw two young men dressed in camo fatigues. They had headbands and bore crosses and stakes.
"Come on, Zim! Let us in! We know you went up against vampires before! We need your help!"
"I'm retired," Zim said.
"Retired enough to ignore bloodsuckers?!"
"I don't even know you guys."
"We're the Frog Brothers. You had to have heard of us!"
"I don't care. Go away. I'm tired."
"Fine. We can handle our own problems. Douchebag!"
Zim didn't care what they called him, as long as they went away. He crawled back to bed, and he was about to put his head down on the pillow when his phone rang. "Fuck." He picked it up. "What?!"
He was answered with the Fitz Whistle. "Where the hell are you, man?"
"Fitz, I'm not going to make it tonight."
"Come on, you pussy! You never come out! You never do anything! Stop sleeping so much and come the fuck out!"
Zim hung up on him. He didn't have the energy to argue. He turned his phone off, and finally his head met with his pillow. And as he drifted off to sleep, he realized that his pockets were full of mint-condition, old-fashioned money. That had to be worth a lot in this modern world, right?
