sorry, I did a bit of a rewrite after posting, as it still wasn't quite what I wanted.
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Icheb
The last day and we are all joining the Paris's for a picnic. Grams is staying at home. I asked if she wanted me to stay with her, but she waved me off. A bit of quiet is what she wanted.
It has all been a little bit overmuch joining this family. I had no idea families were so, noisy. But Mom and Grams are very similar, and I feel welcome. I was worried that the commander might not be happy with Mom's decision to adopt me. I haven't really had much to do with him regularly, and I am still uncomfortable with him dating Seven behind Mom's back. However, we have spent some time talking and working for Grams together, and although we have little scientific in common, we find common ground through Mom and making her life easier. I have grown to respect the commander.
Aunty Phoebe is something else though. She is such fun, i think Q will love her too. She has made me laugh more times this weekend than I would have thought possible. Often by teasing Mom, so I shouldn't laugh really. i have loved playing with the three children. We have all played traditional earth games, Mom has started to teach me to play pool and Phoebe's husband has started to show me how to ride a horse. Grams has some minor fixing jobs that I have offered to do, and the commander and I did some work to the barn door together.
Now though, Mom has replicated me something suitable to wear to the Paris household. She comes down in a summer dress and jacket, and the commander is in light trousers and a casual shirt. this seems to be the correct wear, as the rest of our family joins us. It is good to say our family! As Mom would say, time to ship out!
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Gretchen
The house settled into quiet. All the children and grandchildren had gone to the Paris's for a picnic and party. I had been invited, but just needed time to relax. hmm, smiling grimly at the thought, I'm not as young as I was! Katie and Icheb had been concerned, and had planned to get their EMH to give her a review, but it was just age finally catching up and saying she needed to go slow once in a while. Icheb planned to stay home with her, the lovely boy.
Coffee in hand, I went out onto the verandah and thought over this reunion. tomorrow they would all go back. Sekaya to Trebus, with a promise from Chakotay to visit following the debriefings, Phoebe and family were back to the city and of course Katie and Chakotay would be at starfleet as well as Icheb, who would start some formal lessons at the academy. At the thoughts of the couple, I need no mirror to tell me of the huge grin spreading across my face. I had been unprepared for Katie's forthrightness over the sleeping arrangements, and the abashed look on Chakotay's faced as he pulled at an ear and hopped from foot to foot confirmed this hadn't been discussed. nor prepared for the protracted time that it had taken them to unpack, something that Phoebe and Sekaya teased them unmercifully about. Watching Katie in love, and the devotion of Chakotay has given me back some of the years voyager stole. They couldn't bear to be apart. Clearly there are some huge shadows behind both of their eyes and troubles in their minds, and I hope that the counsellors and time helps them move beyond this, that whatever was in the past doesn't take their happiness away.
I noticed though, that through the time here they have both lightened their steps, and hope that they have found a way to achieve quietness together. They may think they were quiet, but most of the adults in this household realise that they have been sneaking out each night. I cannot help but hope that shortly there may be a wedding. it is old fashioned, but Katie missed two weddings and I would like to see her make a third. Hell, if I get to have some wishes, I would wish for children too. They should be blessed with the family that I think they would both desire.
And Icheb, the joy of my new grandson. I have spent a lot of time with icheb, telling him about his new family, showing him around. He is a quiet young man, studious, but with a sense of humour. He hero-worships my daughter, not necessarily the healthiest start, but he does have some awareness of her imperfections. He grew up somewhere far more rural, and aricultural community, and so he is drawn to the farmland surrounding them. we have spent sometime talking vegetables and I can see that he will be visiting many times in the future. i truly am glad to have a grandson of his age to help about the place when he is free from the academy. Some things are starting to get hard for me, and I am not ready to own up to them! he has already lined up a few jobs he is keen to do. He has also asked if he can invite his friend Q, any friend is welcome here. He is the greatest joy that I have received from starfleet. A bonus that exceeds expectations.
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B'elanna
Kahless, but I am so pleased already to see people again. I have been smothered, literally, but the Paris family. I agree that it is great the are welcoming us, and clearly adore Miral. But I need to breathe! I have already told Tom that there is no way I am living here. We can have starfleet married quarters. I'm going to talk to Kathryn about it. I think secretly he is relieved too. I know his Mom would be a convenient babysitter, but it just isn't going to work. Sooner or later I am going to start breaking things!
Thank fuck, here is the Janeway party, and here is Kathryn.I race across with Miral, who i dump in Chakotay's arms, and then hug Kathryn. 'rescue me' I plea, 'before i get my bat'leth and fight my way out' Chakotay does a reasonable impression of Tuvok with his raised eyebrows, and i swear Kathryn giggles. 'honestly, owen and Elizabeth treat Tom like a child, and though they dote on miral, it is just too much! i need to breathe' this last is said with true desperation. Kathryn takes me aside and admits that she and Chakotay have been playing hooky, leaving the house every night for a secret hideaway. It has clearly been doing them some good. I roar with laughter and that brings Tom up to us. I grin and tell him i love him, the p'tak. he is clearly relieved that I am happier. kathryn leads me aside to talk whilst Tom mingles, i particularly notice him mingling with Kathryns sister Phoebe! She is a beauty, luckilly i see her husband is here, and talking with elizabeth. Ok, thank Kahless, we have a plan for living quarters. Kathryn is requesting married quarters for herself, chakotay and icheb, and we will hopefully get quarters next door with miral. with any luck, all four of us wont have debrief at the same time, and can rotate some miral care. In fact, Kathryn comms sam, and sees what she plans for living, and finds that although Naomi is doing reasonably well with Gresh, they would prefer a slow reintroduction, so will plan family quarters. Sam requests 4 beds, as she is planning to have some of the single girls with her. That gives us ample babysitting opportunities! No time like the present, and Kathryn has made the request, it is accepted, and we have neighbouring apartments, and Sam on the next floor.
Chakotay comes to whisk kathryn off to say hello to Owen and to introduce me to Sekaya. Kahless but i hate meeting new people. I take Miral back and greet Sekaya. She is very much like Chakotay, and tells me that Chakotay has said I am a sister, so she greets me as such. I am suddenly overwhelmingly grateful. the p'tak, he has made me cry! post natal hormones I angrily tell both of them. Sekaya tells Chakotay to fix us drinks and sweeps me to a bench in the shade. Miral fusses for a feed. definitely hormones, I announce!
Sekaya is far more inquisitive than Chakotay, by the time he has returned, I am half way through telling my version of his love story. B'e, he snarls, overhearing, it really wasn't like that. I groan at him,' Kahless, it was just like that, you were both too pigheaded to realise. You should have tried again Chakotay, after unimatrix zero, she needed you, it would have happened'. 'Hah!' he gives a short and bitter laugh, 'and what about the devore? teero? equinox?' his head shakes and the anger is replaced with what looks like despair 'seven' he whispers. Kahless, I had no idea that he was so affected. still, I guess he hasn't had a counselor, and has kept his heart enchained too. It is only as we have finished the journey that I truly realise how hard it has been for the command team. I thank Kahless that we all survived, and that we are friends. 'chakotay, you are together now, forgive the past' Sekaya stands up and puts her hand on his arm, but Kathryn is there instantly, as if she hasn't taken him out of her peripheral vision all this time. From the look in her eyes, she knows. 'come chakotay' she says, placing her hand on his heart 'let me show you the rosebeds' and she steers him away, off out of our sight.
Sekaya sits back down, her worry clear to see. I try and explain properly, just how awful and difficult it was for the command team out there. no respite, no relief, no off duty. the rest of us got some time to be ourselves, but they so rarely did, and it just got harder and harder. That they made mistakes with each other, and i can't talk about them. They stopped listening and misinterpreted events, and it is only by some miracle of epic proportions, Kahless or Chakotays Spirits must have directly intervened, that suddenly at the voyager party they both threw their doubts aside. I imagine they have had no real chance to talk through their past yet. when she queries Seven, i find it hard to know where to answer, and just do my best.
'Spirits' sekaya answers slowly. 'A mess, thankyou little sister for being there through this and helping to bring him home' she is clearly thoughtful.
Tom arrives, and has started a crazy ball game with the three younger children and Icheb. Looking at it and him, i am uncertain of the rules, but there is lots of laughter involved. i thank kahless for the laughter tom and I have shared. I see his mother looking on with adoration too before she catches sight of me. She is hesitant and I wave her over. My Klingon warrior self disconcerts her, but I appreciate her love and her good heart. Well, I am going to try hard to anyway! Appreciating people is not something that comes naturally to me.
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Janeway
I keep an awareness of chakotay at all times. I always have. over the last seven years it has become second nature. I sense his overall comfort as well. It has often given me a split second advantage in first contact and difficult trade negotiations. I am suddenly aware of his acute discomfort, and wheeling round i see him trembling next to Lanna, and Sekaya jumping up. i put my hand on Owens arm and make my excuses before walking with purpose to where chakotay is starting to break. As if nothing out of the ordinary is happening, I smile at Sekaya and Lanna and direct Chakotay to walk with me. Most of the time we are fine. most of the time he is my devilishly handsome ex first officer, sexy as hell, good sense of humour and a liberal dash of protectiveness. Most of the time, but we both have our hidden demons to conquer, and they can pop out unexpectedly.
I find an enclosed arbour in the rosebeds that will keep us secluded and sit down. Without volition Chakotay sits too. 'Kathryn, how do you do it,' i can hear the pain in his voice 'how does the past not whip up and drag you away? how does the bitterness from betrayal not poison what you feel for me?' Damn, but how can I answer this. Honestly, on occassion i thought the pain would destroy me, but balanced against that is years of love, devotion and care. Of all our shared history, at best I am partly to blame, and at worst, mostly. I hold his head in my left hand so that we are facing each other, and my hand is on his heart. I hope that I can answer this so tht we can move on, that we can be more than the sum of our shared history. ' chakotay, because I loved you' i breathe out with a sigh. I know that this is not answer enough yet, though maybe one day it will be. 'some of our history has hurt more than I could bear. i have wanted to scream at you, at us, at me, Chakotay, because i always knew that there would be a price for the parameters i created' i see he is about to interrupt, so i place my fingers on his lips and he gently kisses them. 'each time I had a choice to go on loving you, or I could decide that this was it, the end. it was no choice' we both rest at that thought. we both know that over the years we struggled to control our love, to bind it into friendship and yet it escaped in our laughter, our private messaging, our unwavering professional support. I could no more stop loving him than i could stop willing us to get to the alpha quadrant. 'So i always forgave, even when it was hard, and I always loved' he nods, it is understanding, it is, i am sure, how he mostly dealt with us too. 'in the last year, since Quarra, mostly, i just existed.' he raises his head with hurt in his eyes, as this is where he started to pull away, in retrospect I see it, at the time though, i was also too bowed down by command, by six unrelenting years, that is why i had eventually determined that i needed to change something, break the parameters, too late, nearly too late. But this is no longer where we are. 'I love you so much that it does sometimes hurt Chakotay, and if the alternative was to love you less, then I accept the hurt. we did have those terrible moments which hurt us both, but we had other good ones too, quieter ones, laughter at the bridge, understanding in the ready room, the peace of the dinners, the total trust that you would always save me. Against that, nothing else counts, really' i sigh as i look into his eyes. 'chakotay, i love you' i move my hand from his heart to trace his tattoo 'it is more than enough' and touch my lips to his and then rest our foreheads together as i wait.
Eventually I hear the whisper of a sigh, and he leans in and kisses me again. 'i love you more than my life itself Kathryn. I, I just need to keep that thought at the front of my mind' i nod and feather my hand against his tattoo, brushing through his hair. 'you see me through different eyes than I see myself. I see that I failed in my promise, not once but over and over. ' I lean in and kiss him again. I deny this as a failure. 'but it was a hard promise, and you did succeed chakotay, you made my burden lighter, you were there for me.' i fold our hands together again, the gesture of New Earth, the gesture that for me encapsulates our promis, and place my hand once more upon his heart 'this is where we are, Chakotay, this love is who we are' . His other hand winds in my hair, and he kisses me gently, a benediction. We sist a short while in silence, the sounds of the others in the distance, laughter and joy. We find that balance together, as we have always done.
He stirs, and the solution maker in me springs forwards. We both know that we will need to address this at some point. 'where do we start with this?' in my mind I think we will need a mediator, a counsellor to help. 'I cannot bear to lose you Chakotay, so if we must talk' and we both know that we must 'how can we talk and not end up like the last time? you sent me away and so I walked out on you!' I only realise tears are falling when he gently smooths them away with his thumbs. He kisses me gently and then with increasing passion, passion is where we can express our love without mistake or misunderstanding, and willingly i receive the touch of his hands, the power of his lips. i smell the roses mixed with his spiced scent. and we find comfort in each others arms.
We do need to talk, and I think I can remove one of the list safely, so I ask 'Why Teero? how is this a failing chakotay?' I am holding him tightly, and feel him jerk at the name. we have already tried to discuss the others once, I will not try again. Teero though, he needs no forgiveness for that episode. Damn the mad vedik and damn starfleet for not noticing the piggyback command. 'It wasnt you Chakotay, if anyone, it was Tuvok.' he shakes his head in denial. ' I ordered him to phaser you! my mind was full of ways to kill or defile you' he nearly sobs, i am so sorry, we should have discussed this before, after it happened. 'but it wasn't you chakotay, you didn't kill me, you didn't defile me and we endured.' I hold him close again, our fingers entwined as if we were drowning and only this will save us. 'I never blamed you or held it against you. If it had happened earlier in the journey, I would have had the strength to laugh with you afterwards about it and take the pain away. I am sorry, I was just always moving on by then.' i feel him start to relax 'Take Teero off your list my love, it is done, you were more violated than I was, your mind was suppressed and your body stolen. You were not responsible, do you understand? no forgiveness required though you would have it. You are released from the guilt of Teero' I say this rather forcefully before I kiss him again. He breathes out again, and smiles gently at me. I cannot command his feelings and we both know he hasn't really given up responsibility for Teero. I do hope that some of the pain will go. I remind him again of his support and comfort when I needed it. I talk of losing Carey. I felt that I failed, yet his strength and presence supported me, he allowed me to grieve with him. He allowed me to carry on. We hold each other, survivors of the storm. We will make it to our safe haven
With less anguish and more practicality, we agree that as part of our debrief, we will insist on counselling, ideally with Deanna, and ideally together. Our command team persona knows that this is what we would recommend and no doubt will recommend to others. I hope that Owen has this in hand. I remind him once more that we have each other, and that is a small miracle. he smiles at me and getting up, we link arms and return to the picnic.
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Owen
Katie is remarkable, in a few quiet and quick words she silences my concern over B'Elanna, and points out that a Klingon living for seven years at nearly permanent red alert is not going to settle easily into domesticity, if ever. That we need to let her run free and come to us. She then goes on to reiterate that most of the crew will need a serious amount of counselling to be able to reintegrate into modern life, and that we need to give some halfway options. She likens them all to caged animals needing gentle persuasion to live again in the wild. We agree and organise a block of starfleet accommodation by moving lots of temporary placements about. Kathryn immediately signs up for married quarters with her first officer and a room with them for icheb. She holds up her hand when i look like i am going to expostulate, 'stow it owen' i can't decide whether to be shocked, outraged or amused at her efficiency. I look at her raised eyebrow, and agree we will go with efficiency. She books the room next to her for tom and b'elanna - eyeing me to forestall objection. my shoulders sink and i agree. She also arranges a family room for the wildmans on the floor above, booking in seven of nine and tal celes there. the notifications to all go out. Nodding, she asks for the key organising agent and PADDS this to all the remaining voyager crew, with the message of the three rooms booked already.
Next, she says, we need to have plenty of voyager events, so she will talk with her senior team and have regular evening entertainments, lectures on what they have missed, excercise programmes etc. thursday night will be voyager night for the mess, and they are to anticipate, especially at the start, pretty much a full turn out. I agree. there needs to be access to voyager itself, either in small planned groups or as part of counselling. agreed. counselling needs to run alongside debriefing, she demands deanna for herself and chakotay and the senior team if she can. other counsellors available that can deal with deep space, PTSD, disentegrating families, survivor guilt etc. agreed. in a fortnight or so, Katie wants to do a thankyou to voyager ceremony on voyager. she wants to unveil a small additional mark on the hull of voyager, she passes across the design. non-negotiable, she says even if she has to spray it on herself. I am laughing but horrified. It is clear that Katie is exactly what we need, but she does need to start paying at least some lipservice to command structure. I point that out to her, and she laughs, flutters her eyelashes and huskily reminds me that we have been more than command structure. As i struggle to breathe and wonder, no worry what specifically she is referring to, she laughs more freely, and reminds me i am her fathers best friend. Struggling to swallow, I agree and then i'm relieved when she rushes off to Chakotay's side. I am left with images replaying in my head that I haven't let see the light of day. I hadn't anticipated this.
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Sekaya
I am glad my brother returns as the picnic spread is laid out. I was uncomfortable at how kathryn just took him away. Through this family time I haven't really had any alone time with Kathryn, she is either with Chakotay alone, with us all or just with her Mom/phoebe. We haven't had any real opportunity for alone time. I think that she has engineered it this way. I wonder whether she has picked up on my concern at this sudden all encompassing relationship. It feels like a survivor response, something we saw a lot of on Trebus as people came to terms with what they had lost, and clung to anything that remained. I do not want Chakotay to be bound to the past and loss. I am worried at what is going on in his life, his emotional turmoil. i don't understand all the troubles he has faced, but he isn't open with me any more and has refused to discuss anything of depth, moving off if i raised any subject he did not want to discuss. I am in no doubt that he loves her, and that it is returned. As a practical and pragmatic woman, I will accept this, and be happy in his happiness and welcome Kathryn as a sister. if it fails, I will be there for him. Like her mother, she is a force of nature. I hope i will get to know her better if she joins Chakotay in Trebus.
Chakotay has gone straight to Paka who was chasing after Tom Paris, and briefly joins in the game before he brings Paka to me. In his playfulness I see the brother I remember. The food is delicious, and I relax with Chakotay by my side, laughing and joking and calling out with Tom and B'elanna. he has clearly recovered from whatever is in his past, the string of names he raged in front of us. Kathryn, who has been sitting with her sister and niece breezes past with the children, making a raid on the sweets and puddings. She brings something huge and sugary back for Chakotay, sitting down on his lap to his obvious delight. 'sweets for my sweetheart', she grins stealing a kiss before feeding him some of the pudding. I reconsider, I love seeing him this happy, and am amazed at the openness of their love.
looking around more carefully, I see how the couple have often the surreptitious attention of most of our fellow guests. I reflect how precious this love must be to have been unspoken for seven years, challenged from all corners and yet blossom at the earliest moment. How integral this unspoken love must be to each of them to have survived presumably a similar list on each side of indiscretions or betrayals. I imagine that their current love, so new, is perhaps still fragile, with any of this past possible to blast it away. perhaps there is a reason for the cautious looks from friends, and Chakotay's moment of despair. I have to hope that Kathryn is as insightful as my brother believes, and can steer them safely to the future they deserve. watching her flirtatious demeanor, peeping under lashes and smiling softly as she feeds him the last mouthful, I am sure that she loves him. I am convinced that she will give it her best shot. The Janeway women are rather redoubtable.
The evening is drawing in, and the lights around the patio twinkle like clouds of fireflies. the effect is magical. Tom suggests some dancing and light jazz fills the warm evening air. i notice a smirk pass from Kathryn with a raise of her eyebrows, clearly a sign of mischief, and a strategic glower from my brother before she pulls him up and onto the temporary dancefloor. The 'fleeters all fall in. This is clearly a variant of their formal dancing, and even Phoebe and her husband join in. the children are all giggling and eating more of the sweets than strictly advisable. I hover, but icheb comes across and asks me to dance. He tells me that he will follow my lead, or me his, or we can muddle through. Muddling through, i realise how charming he is and am glad for gretchen that he is an addition to her family. Smiling, i laugh at him and think aloud that one day he may well be my nephew. we look at Kathryn and Chakotay, eyes only for each other as they make only the simplest of dance moves, talking and laughing softly with each other. we both very much hope so. They clearly are happiest in each others arms. Icheb comments that the captain, correction Mom, has always been very tactile with all her crew, and he anticipates growing used to seeing the constant affection between them. He has a fond grin on his face, so turning around again, I see that my brother has swept kathryn into a closer embrace and kisses her forehead in contentment. The last of my resistance to his relationship falls away. there are no barriers between them, and he has a contentment I have never seen before.
Although I go on to dance with Tom and Admiral Paris before joining the children in a simpler dance, chakotay and Kathryn never stop. B'Elanna, joining me says that currently Chakotay has instisted she dances only with him following some bet on voyager. I find it hard to believe that she did the racy dancing being described to me, and my slight disapproval causes B'Elanna to stop in the tale, and laugh that it was with Tom as a way to lighten the party for everyone. I watch the couple again, but they are still at peace. Finally the hour grows late for paka, and i see Phoebes children are also getting tired, so we make our farewells and transport back to the Janeway residence. It has been good to see how my brother fits in this starfleet world, and i have heard only respect from tom, b'elanna and the admiral. I am proud of who he is, and ask the spirits to continue to guide him wisely.
