Just short of a week in Indiana. It has been wonderful to spend that time with my family. I have had opportunity to laugh and cry with mom, promising her that I will never leave like this again. I hope that this is a safe promise, although she was doubtful. I worry about her health, and have booked the Doctor to see her. Seven year of heartbreak does that to you, she says. I hope it is a case of more rest, more vitamins and less coffee, my usual prescription! I couldn't face losing her. i love her. Meeting her has certainly made Chakotay and Icheb laugh at me, calling me mini-gretchen when i put my hands on my hips, or the strutting walk, even the half smile. I had no idea so many of my physical expressions were my mother's first. i had thought I took after my father! I am proud to be part Mom, and she loves hearing the stories of me striding across the bridge, terrorising vengeful aliens. Chakotay is an extraordinary story teller, and damn but I sound good through his voice. The kids certainly view me with awe after some of his wilder renditions. Sometimes, when I have tried to complain at my larger than life impression, Icheb drags me away. 'mom, you were just like that for us. why, ask anyone' he grins at me. An Icheb grin is worth his weight in gold! I also notice that Phoebe's husband has been taking holovids of Chakotay the raconteur. He says the stories are excellent for the children. it is to be quite some time before I realise the true purpose and the scope of his project, when an occasion in the future causes him to present 'the stories of voyager for children' as narrated by the crew and illustrated by one Phoebe Janeway. Needless to say, I cry, but I blame the hormones.
The time I have spent with what I should consider now as my two sisters has been quite a contrast. With pheebs we have shared what has been an emotional roller coaster. Pheebs has never hidden her emotions, and i think the first full day, we experienced them all! Sekaya and Chakotay had gone out for the afternoon, Mom, Icheb and Pheebs husband had all the kids, and Pheebs and I went into the den and drunk too much, cried too much, forgave and buried our sibling rivalry completely. It was such fun, even if we were given an antidote hypospray by some remarkedly unamused, poker faced partners when they returned who found us unable to stand and help prepare dinner. It only made us laugh the louder as we then openly admired each others taste in men and their respective attributes until they ran from the den blushing as our shrieks of laughter followed them. although Pheebs didn't understand my sticking to the rules. Now, I don't either. I think, though, if I had always shared my life and love with Chakotay that i would never had the drive or taken the risks to get us home. certainly the admiral wouldn't have needed to return and we would have taken all those extra years. Sometimes you have to accept that perhaps it has worked out as well as it could. As long as we can make it work now. Pheebs and I gained a new understanding of each other, i wish it didn't take catastrophes in my life to bring us closer. I have invited her to girls night - which I hope will continue with B'Elanna and Sam.
After the Paris picnic, Sekaya and i also seemed to work out how to talk to each other, though i think it will take a while longer. She is a quieter more thoughtful version of Chakotay, without his contrary nature. She seems so secure in herself and her life that i feel too complicated in comparison. I cannot be other than I am. Although she has a deep friendship with Mom, it was clear at the start that she had hoped that Chakotay would return to Trebus and settle, and our relationship makes that unlikely. She also had reservations over my playing fast and loose with his emotions - her turn of phrase, and refused to consider what she considered my poor excuses. It made for a somewhat uncomfortable conversation. In the end we needed to settle that things were as they were, and although i might not be considered an ideal choice, i was Chakotay's choice. our near week though has brought her to see that despite the complicated history, we are clearly happy, and she seems less uncomfortable in my presence. Paka is a darling though, and as I have played with him and Phoebs children, I have held hopes that perhaps there is a Paka in my future. Best not to dwell on future hopes, but concentrate on the present. I hope Chakotay has reassured his sister in the many hours they spent alone together. well, we will both be visiting Trebus. I hope, and that will give us further opportunities to make a friendship.
chakotay, heart of my heart, I think, is returning to himself, and a near- week of passionate nights and loving days certainly makes me a happy woman. Whatever else we might have concerns about, our attraction is not one of them. Once I am in his arms I feel entirely that this is perfection. I believe us to be soul mates, and it is one of the universe's tricks to have thrown us together. We start debriefing and counselling tomorrow. Somehow the counselling worries me much more than the debriefing. Having talked to deanna yesterday, she is going to see each of us on monday separately to go through what we think we need to discuss with each other and prioritise them. then see whether we need to be counselled about the events separately, or do everything jointly. I am a highly private person, and failed counselling last time I had it, well i gamed it, and the counsellor wasn't betazoid and allowed me to. Hence having asked for Deanna this time. I need to do this right because of Chakotay. I need to redo the first lot of counselling too, unfortunately. i have to trust that Deanna knows what she is doing. Thinking about this, i am tempted to bundle us both into the delta flyer and just run away. There is so much damned history there that can pull us apart. Damn, but I hope she is good at this!
Other things have been lining up too, and I am also revelling in my new role of Mom. I have had a lot of teasing that I have been Mom for the last 7 years, but this is a much more personal version. It has been a delight to introduce my son to the family, to the Janeway home, the things I have loved. And just to get used to interacting in a closer, personal way, making space for each other in our day. Icheb doesn't start academy this week after all. he needs to come to a medical on wednesday, and induction to campus on the thursday, but is otherwise free. He is pretty advanced, having had so much personalised tuition on Voyager. Due to his unique circumstances he has been given a unique mentor, Lieutenant Commander Crusher. He elects to stay in Indiana until then, smiling at my Mom. When i can, i go and check that he doesn't feel that my relationship with Chakotay is pushing him out. He laughs, and reminds me i have always had a relationship with Chakotay, and with over 150 other people. That he thinks Grams will be lonely with everyone leaving together, and he wants to have time to sit with her, hear her laugh and tell stories of me when I was young. he wants to look at our family images, and be part of us fully. What with the several hundred images taken over this weekend, there is no doubt he is part of the family. i grin at him, and hug. At least i have left the delta quadrant with one perfect uncomplicated relationship! Against all odds, it is going to work. Chakotay comes past and ruffles Icheb's hair, 'favour noted Icheb', he says. As a not so secret message passes between them, I have a sigh of relief. it looks like they will be OK too, and if I am very lucky, one of the things binding them together is keeping track of me. I am glad they wont be doing the tactical dances of one upmanship that Tuvok and Chakotay did in the first few years. I snort as I remember some of the more amusing moments, such as Tuvok's cunning plan. Both Icheb and Chakotay do identical Tuvok eyebrows at me, and I collapse into peals of unexplainable laughter. I love being at home.
We have a large family sunday lunch with laughter and joy celebrating our return from the delta quadrant, and the extended family we are. Looking around the table, and especially looking at my Mom, I am amazed at how well things have turned out, and hope that fate is not being tempted. Please let me keep my happiness. Please let this not be some alien possession just showing me what I want to see. the meal over, Chakotay and I are the first to leave. Although mom has hoped we would return next weekend, Chakotay and I will spend it in New Mexico together, and Icheb will join her. I am feeling slightly torn between these different responsibilities still. Icheb is reassuring, and I did explain to mom that I have put chakotay last so often, that I do need to put him first, even if she believes we have spent the last seven years together. Both of us are looking forwards to what we are calling shore leave, we have never really had any time to just devote to us. the weekend after is hers though. Our immediate belongings, such that they are, are now in our apartment. over the next few weeks we will need to clear Voyager, i only brought my clothes and key things on disembarking, i know i have crates in the cargo bays. time to say goodbye, and in between the hugs, Kisses and tears, I do remind my family that it is a fortnight, not seven damned long years! if the borg can't stop me getting home, nothing will.
Walking through starfleet arm in arm in our civvies, we do attract a few looks and, I am sure, whispers as some recognise us. It gives me no warning for what will happen when we put our uniforms on tomorrow, when everyone we past salutes and this continues for a full fortnight until the admiralty orders the behaviour to desist. they don't salute just the command team, but all the voyagers. we are instantly recognisable by our old style uniform which we will wear until reassignment and the voyager pins. Also some of us have had our faces repeatedly plastered over a variety of news outlets. Not knowing this future, Chakotay and I happily breeze to our new apartment. To my amusement, and his abashed happiness, he insists on carrying me across the threshold. This is the true start of our future together, he states, our first planned home together. I look into his eyes and love shines between us. I also have a surprise planned for him, but on kicking the door shut and looking at the room we are speechless. Utterly and completely speechless. it is not the usual bland starfleet off the peg quarters we were expecting. There appears to be a pool table! also my decanter is on the sideboard, filled with whiskey and the unique glasses besides. Our things have clearly been unpacked for us, and treated with care. There are fresh cut flowers, Chakotay's throws over the sofa, medicine wheel and sand paintings on the walls a well as holoimages chosen from our celebration walk, effectively us with every team member. There is are two images of the pair of us. One on the bridge, carefully cropped, and one leading the formal dancing. It is clear looking at these images that our love has always been in our eyes, declared or not. I laugh again at the one where i am a mascot. There is a bottle of champagne on the diner and two glasses next to a welcome back card. I hardly need to read it to know that it has all the crew names inside. We have a home, our first home together.
'Well,' says chakotay, clearly at a loss like myself, the wind taken from his amorously intended sails, placing me on the ground. 'here we are then' . I am not going to let the attention of the crew distract us quite so easily, I will thank them and investigate later. Grinning, I pull my top off and let it drop to the floor where we stand, and move towards where i presume the bedroom will be, the skirt becomes a further puddle on the floor. 'bring the champagne and glasses' i call behind me, but too late, there is a laugh and i am caught up again and the third door we try turns out to be our bedroom, and as we leap for the bed, I feel in chakotay's indrawn breath that he has seen my surprise. Our New Earth wooden headboards are side by side at the top. 'that' I say, 'was my idea' and whilst it is sinking in that i kept them all these years, and i can feel his heart springing open some more, I use my tactical advantage to divest him of clothes until he comes back to the moment. We consummate the start of our joined life together quite thoroughly and expertly and I hope that these rooms are well soundproofed as we use the opportunity to fulfil a few long held fantasies. Chakotay, though, really should have brought the champagne with him the first time I asked.
