"Kylie," Castiel stood in front of the makeshift grave for her. They'd made it when Lucifer was in control, but the angel couldn't take it down. He needed something to mark that she was dead. He had no body, no idea as to where she had been. All he had was a newspaper article Lucifer had read, saying that an American girl was found dead in the Arctic Circle. She hadn't been dressed for the weather at all, and investigators were baffled as to how she got there. The ID in her pocket was hers.
She died of hypothermia.
The body itself was so frostbitten they wouldn't have recognized her without the ID. There was no way of getting a hold of the body, and so all Castiel had was an empty grave; a placeholder for the death of the woman he loved.
"It's been almost a year since you died." He started. People said it was therapeudic to talk to the deceased person as though they were alive, but Castiel couldn't do that. He couldn't pretend. He missed her too much. "I don't sleep, not usually, but sometimes I try to. When I do, I dream about you. A lot of it is nightmares," he shuddered for a moment at the memories of what his subconscious would conjure to torture him. "But every once in a while I get a good dream, a dream where you're still alive and we did get married and I…" He took a deep breath. "And I didn't cause your death. Those days… Those are the days that I wake up with you on my mind, I turn over to look for you somewhere, because it's still so familiar to have you here." He shook his head.
"And it feels like the world has come to crash around me, like my whole world has come crashing around me, because all it takes is a second to remember that you're not alive, that you're dead, and that it's still my fault." He admitted. "That's when I realize I won't see your face in the room, or beside me on the bed sleeping, or walking in a second later with hot tea and a smile. I won't have you by my side as we talk or hunt or research or sleep or live our lives together. And that realization… That crash as it all washes over me within that split second of remembering you're not there…" He was fighting back tears, now. Angels didn't cry, not usually, but Castiel wasn't 100% angel. Not on the inside.
Not since he'd met her.
"It breaks my heart, Kylie." He told the headstone. "I would give anything to have you here with me – my grace, my angelic status, my life, anything and everything that could be considered tradeable for you, I would give. I would trade my peace for your kiss. I would trade my fate for your destiny. I would trade my bed to sleep with your arms around me again, just like we used to."
The dam broke for the angel, in small cracks that tears could slip through. It wasn't loud, broken-hearted sobbing that you could hear for miles. It wasn't cries of anguish, cries of why and unfairness and loathing for the world. No, it wasn't any of that, because Castiel knew that Kylie wouldn't want that. She always put so much faith in him, believed in him and his rationality. He wouldn't defile that for her now.
So he cried quiet tears; ones that just fall because gravity pulls them, ones that seep through and can't be stopped, ones that hold more sorrow than anything else in the world, and maybe it's not just gravity pulling them down after all, because the weight of that sorrow is enough to cripple any being and bring them to the ground.
"I'm hunting with Crowley now." He said, changing the subject. "I know you hate him, and I'm sorry, but he helped. We all mourned you. And now I'm working with the demon to find Lucifer. I know that revenge is not always the best course of action, but it's all I can think to do. You're not here, and I don't know how else to deal with that than to find my brother, and to put him back where he belongs in the cage. He's supposed to be at the bottom of the ocean right now, with his vessel decaying," Castiel took a moment to think. "And I wish he wasn't. I wish I could have done this, done something to avenge you myself instead of learning his fate from a witch that made me attack you. I have done so much bad to you, Kylie," he took a shaky breath. "I do not understand, some days, how you stayed with me and put up with all of it, but you did. You stayed by me, and made me a better person. And now…"
"I don't know what else to do." He finally said. "Beyond dealing with Lucifer, I have no idea as to what I should do. The only thinh I can think of is to go back to my original mandate – to protect the Winchesters. But I feel…" He took a minute to search for the right words. "I feel as though that is not the correct path, not fully. It is a good thing to do, yes, but it may not be what I need to do." Castiel shrugged. He wasn't certain if he'd said it right, but at the same time he could find no better way to say it.
"You once told me that there was a spark inside of people, what made them human." He continued. "One that drives them to do things, because they can or they want to or they're determined to.
"Why do humans feel the need to do these things?" He had asked. They were going to see the second-largest ball of twine, an idea that Kylie had seemed to come up with out of the blue. "Climb mountains, set records, spin the second-largest ball of twine… I thought it was simply human adventure, human spirit, but I feel there is something I am missing."
"What do you want to do most in the world?" She'd asked in response. Castiel knew what he wanted to answer, he knew what he wanted to say off the top of his head. "Make you happy." He wanted to say that, the impulse to utter the words a strong one that was soon covered over with doubt that she wouldn't appreciate the words.
"I do not know." He lied. "Pass as human, I believe that would be an adequate answer." There we go, that's technically true. He did think that passing as a human would have been an acceptable answer without saying something impulsive.
Kylie continued on with her explanation. "What if I told you that you couldn't do it?" she asked. "That it was impossible, something that couldn't be done. I mean, come on! An ANGEL, wingless and graceless, trying to make it as one of us common people? It can't be done."
"Why can't it?" He asked, starting to bristle. Why couldn't he be a person, like her? Was he not good enough? Was there something missing? He was trying to do his best, and trying to be the kind of person that she would enjoy being around. But if she didn't think her could do it…
Kylie laughed, confusing Castiel for a moment.
"Cool it, Cas. I was making my point." She explained. "That feeling you felt, that defiance and determination in here," She poked the center of his chest for emphasis, and he stared down at the spot. She hadn't really ever done that before. It made Castiel just a little happier, for some reason. "That's what spurs people on to do things like that. Humans don't like being told we can't do anything, so we go out and do it. It's what spurs on our adventurous spirit."
"So, your kind does things because they detest being told they cannot?" Castiel summarized. The idea made very little sense, but at the same time he could kind of understand it.
"Almost right." She told him. "You're one of us, now that you've felt it."
I understood her better when we talked about my plan, about the apartment and living a life with her – a plan he hadn't gotten a chance to fully be grateful for when it was achieved.
"When you were alive, you were that spark for me. You were what made me feel determined, even in the face of being told I couldn't. The other angels said our relationship couldn't exist, and it just made me want to hold on to it tighter, and to protect you better. You thought I wouldn't go through with the plan, and that was why you threw it away, but that just made me more determined to prove to you I could be a good human, a human worth being around. No matter what, I wanted to be around you, even when we chose to distance ourselves. And now that I've just been told that I can't do anything against Lucifer, I can't do anything to avenge you…" Castiel wished he could do something.
"I wish you were here." Was all he said. He didn't beg for the chance at revenge again, nor her forgiveness. "I'm not certain what else to do without you."
He hadn't visited her in Heaven. He wasn't even certain if the other angels would let him up there, but even if they would he would have to go there first. But he hadn't, for the same reasons he hadn't visited her in the hospital at first.
He was afraid of what he would see, and what she would say.
Cas stood there for a little while longer before leaving. He wasn't certain what else he could say to her, in all honesty.
He just missed her.
