Castiel wanted it to be her.
Every time he looked at her, he wanted it to be Kylie. He wanted to see her, to hear her voice, to have the witch in front of him be his dead fiancée.
And for a moment… For a moment Crowley's witch had sounded like Kylie. He didn't see red hair, he saw blonde. And with a knife in her stomach…
Castiel remembered when she died the first time. She had been on the other side of doors he couldn't break down. He was pounding on a wooden door, hearing shouted obscenities on either side from Dean and Sam aimed at Crowley. He felt adrenaline, anger, and fear as he tried to focus on her aura. He had to try and keep tabs on her somehow, try to see if she was alive or not. He saw Kylie in the air, saw her attempt to stand up to Crowley and try to win. He saw her fall.
He admired her for trying, but when she fell…. He couldn't help but feel white-hot rage aimed at the demon he was now partnered with, rage that felt like holy fire when Crowley disappeared.
All he could think then was that he couldn't fix her.
When he saw Diana the same way, it was like history repeating itself. Another blade in another girl's stomach, with her slumped over and clutching it in pain. This time, though, the demon was there.
Didn't make Castiel any less furious with him for just a moment.
What if I can't fix her? He couldn't help but ask that as he stared at Diana, wanting to ask if it was Kylie.
Again, he couldn't help but want it to be her.
When Crowley dismissed him, he ran after Lucifer. There was no way that that could be Kylie. Kylie was dead.
But Lucifer wasn't. Lucifer was out there, alive and laughing and just doing bad things to do them, with no reason except to cause mayhem and havoc and destruction. Castiel had to do something to fight off the Devil, for her.
And when he went back, he had to save the witch. He had to.
He could fix this girl. He could do something right.
He wanted it to be her, but it wasn't her.
He wanted to go back to her grave, but he couldn't. He wanted to visit her in Heaven, but he didn't have the courage to.
Diana hadn't been back for a while. Crowley had come back, with food, and when Diana hadn't been there he just sighed.
"She's gone through a lot." He said, opening the window after Castiel explained where she'd gone. "She'll be back."
"And if she's not?"
"Then I'll go find her."
"Why do you care about the human?"
"She's my legacy. If she dies, it gives me a bad reputation." Crowley thought for a second longer before speaking. "You thought it was her, didn't you?"
That wasn't a conversation Castiel wanted to have, but one that Crowley was determined to make him have.
"It was just a mistake." Castiel finally concluded the conversation, shaking his head firmly. "It wasn't her."
"She is a person, you know." Crowley stated.
"I do know."
"Then why call her an it?"
Castiel didn't answer for a while. He hadn't realized, in the moment, that he had. "I'm going to go find Diana." He finally said, seeing what time it was. The witch had been gone for quite some time now.
"She's on the roof." Crowley answered off-handedly.
"She is?"
"Yeah."
"How do you know?"
"I just do." Crowley said. "I've been around her enough to understand her habits. She likes high places."
"You have known her for longer than you said, haven't you?"
"I just paid attention." That was all Crowley was willing to respond with to that question. "If you want to talk to her, you can. She'll probably appreciate it."
"Why do you care about this girl?" Castiel asked, his words slightly biting. "You're a demon. Your mother, I understand the possibility of you caring about her, but a secondary witch?" The pair examined each other for a minute. "If I didn't know any better, I would think that you're lonely."
"And I would think you're blind." Crowley stated, putting the bag of food on the table. "I'm going to go check a few sources on finding Lucifer. You should talk to Diana."
Castiel watched Crowley walk in to the other room, raising a cellphone to his ear. He thought for a minute.
If Diana was on the roof, then she may have heard them talking.
"I may have some things to explain to her." Castiel decided, walking outside.
When Castiel walked outside, though, he heard crying. "I'm right here." Diana's voice, from the roof. She was huddled in a small ball, looking up at the sky above her. "I'm right here, and I miss you."
Castiel watched her stare up at the sky, and he felt his heart tighten in sympathy. How many nights had he done the same thing? How many times had he looked up at the sky, like humans would, hoping a lost loved one would listen; hoping Kylie was listening, somehow. And this person, this person he had been unintentionally referring to as a thing, an it earlier... Was this what Crowley meant by calling him blind? That he was so blinded in his single-mindedness, that he had forgotten the inclusion of the pain of others?
Castiel felt nothing but shame at that realization. There was somebody that Diana missed as well, somebody that made her feel such sorrow and loneliness without them. Were they dead, too?
From the way she was staring up at the sky, Castiel had a good feeling that the answer was yes, and that made him feel only more shame. There were so many similarities between their situations... And he had just been blinded by his own grievances.
"Hello." He said. He wanted to hit himself afterwards. Hello? Seriously? Wouldn't most humans consider that "lame"?
Diana glanced down, surprised to see him as she wiped her eyes. "Castiel." She said. "I didn't realize you were out here."
"I didn't realize you were up there as well." He replied. "Did you…" He wasn't certain how to ask his question. Did you eavesdrop on myself and Crowley? Did you hear our conversation? Did you need to talk to anyone?
She seemed to understand, though, and nodded. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop. I'm sorry."
"Do you mind if I explain myself, then?" He asked.
"You don't have to." Diana said. "Really, you don't."
"I would like to, if that is alright." Castiel pleaded. Diana let out a sigh.
"Alright." She said. Castiel climbed up a bit uncoordinatedly, uncertain as to what else to do. It just felt… awkward… to stand on the ground and shout up to her. Once he was seated beside her, he thought for a moment as to how to speak.
"Who do you miss?" He asked. Diana looked shocked. "When I came out here, I heard you say that you were here, and that you missed someone."
"Did you hear anything else?"
"No."
"Ah." She paused for a second. "I… It's a difficult story to explain."
"How much of my conversation with Crowley did you hear?"
"You…" Castiel could see Diana make a choice in her mind. "You thought I was someone else."
"Ah." He thought about how to approach this. "It is a difficult story as well."
"I won't ask you to tell it if you don't want to." She offered.
"I would still like to explain, as long as it's alright."
"Go on ahead, then."
Castiel took a moment to breath before beginning. "There was a girl that I met, a few years ago. I didn't see her for a while after that, but almost a year and a half later I met her again. She was being harmed and hurt, and it was my fault. She died." He said the words bluntly. "Twice." Diana looked mildly surprised at that statement. "Both times, I couldn't save her. The first time… The first time she had a knife in her stomach."
"Oh." Diana said. She looked like she understood something in what he said.
"And when I saw you in the same problem…" Castiel's voice trailed off for a moment. "I could not help but remember what had happened before, and how I could not save her then." He shook his head. "No matter what I tried to do, no matter how much I tried to help her, I always ended up doing worse. I always ended up hurting her, until finally she died, and didn't come back that time."
"I'm sorry for your loss." She said.
"Thank you."
"Did you love her?" The question was sudden, and shocked Castiel for a second. "I haven't ever heard of an angel mistaking one human for another before. It's a pretty human thing to do, especially when you care for someone a lot." She explained. "With that and the thing Crowley said about a ring," Castiel cringed for a second. "Sorry. I was just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"I told her I did." Castiel answered, smiling a little. "I actually screamed it at her once. But my actions…" He sighed. "There's a popular saying among humans, that actions speak louder than words, correct?" Diana nodded. "I don't think that my actions showed the same."
"Then why do you still have a ring?"
"I…" He thought on that for a moment. "I feel guilty. She died because of me and my choices. She was brought in to this whole mess because of me. If I had simply never interfered," Castiel clenched a hand in to a fist for a moment. "Then she would still be alive, still be living a normal life, still…" He searched for the right word. "She made hard decisions from being in this life, ones that changed her from the girl I first met. I believe that she would have had a chance to still be that girl, to not have made the hard decisions she did, if I had not interfered."
"If you could go back and change it," she kept her gaze steady as she asked her question. This one was an important one, to her. Castiel could understand that. "Change meeting her so that you never did, with no guarantee that she would still be alive today or not, would you?"
Castiel sat in silence beside the witch, thinking about that question. If he could go back, would it fix anything? He would miss her, but would it be selfish to leave it the same now that he knew the result?
And if he actually did it, would he actually miss her? After all, he wouldn't have met her. Would he remember her?
"I don't know." He finally answered, because in truth he didn't. He didn't know whether he would or not.
Would it be worth it, to save her?
Would it even save her, or would a vampire or demon or car come around instead?
Diana stood up, quickly and suddenly. She started to slip on the roof, and Castiel leaned over quickly to catch her by the wrist. When he touched her, though, she flinched.
"You can let go." She said, not quite looking at him though. Something was off, though. Like her hand was weird. Viscous.
When he didn't let go, she flicked her wrist, forcing his grip off of her. She stayed at an angle to the roof, floating in the air. "Thanks."
She floated back to the ground, not looking back up at her as she walked inside. Castiel spoke up one last time, having to say something to Diana. "I know you're not her." He said, trying to be consoling. "And I'm sorry if that made you feel something… Something wrong."
Diana didn't answer, just walked back inside. Castiel stayed up on the rooftop, feeling uncertain and tired as he stared up at the stars.
"What would you want me to do?" He asked, looking up. "I was not a good person to you, when I could've been better. Would you still want me, after all I've done? Would I still even deserve you?"
He wanted to ask if she would still love him, but he was afraid to.
He was afraid that he might just get an answer if he asked.
Diana saw Crowley, sitting at the table with a bag of food. "Hungry?" He asked, offering the bag.
"You knew, didn't you?" She asked. "You knew I was there, that I could hear you guys."
"I had an idea." He admitted. "Did you find the answers you were looking for?"
"I found the answers." She replied, grabbing the bag as she walked towards her room. "They just weren't ones I was prepared to hear."
The bag stayed on the nightstand, untouched, for the rest of the night.
