Crowley was seething when Castiel got back. "What did you do?!" He accused.
"Excuse me?"
"What in the bloody hell did you do?" He repeated. Castiel looked around, realizing who was missing.
"Where is Diana?" He asked. "I… I need to apologize to her."
"What happened?" Crowley was persistent in his questioning.
"I…" He shook his head, and realized that the curtains were scorched. "What happened to the curtains?"
"Diana…" Crowley looked away for a minute, his voice suddenly much quieter. "She left."
"Why?"
"What did you do first?"
"What caused her to burn the curtains?"
"What caused her to start being so paranoid?"
"Why is there a dent in the wall?" Castiel noticed it, and pointed to the spot in question.
"Feathers, I still believe that I did ask first." Crowley stated. Both of them stared at each other, fuming quietly and blaming each other before they both settled.
"I… Snapped." Castiel admitted. "I could feel a part of my own grace inside of her, and… I don't know. I remembered that Kylie had had a similar affect after I got mine back and I just… I couldn't contain myself for a moment. I was so frustrated with myself, with the thought that she might have been in front of me and I had just missed it and been so blind…" His voice trailed off. "I should not have lashed out like that towards her."
"I may have tried to keep her here to talk." Crowley said after a moment. "Forcefully. And it didn't end well."
"Something is wrong, isn't it?" Castiel asked. "With all of us."
"I think that we're all hunting down Lucifer for different reasons." Crowley answered. "And that those reasons finally boiled over on to her. I want control of my kingdom again. You want Kylie back. Dean and Sam…" Crowley shrugged. "It's what they do. They feel responsible."
"So what do we do?" Castiel asked.
"Well, I've got two tracking spells on her." The demon answered. "One on a jacket and the other on a coin. She found one of them, and destroyed it, but the other is still working. Why not let her calm down, and us as well. Afterwards…" Crowley shrugged. "I don't know. I'm a demon, not a person. What would you do?"
"I'd ask Sam and Dean."
"We can't do that."
"I know."
"So what do we do?" Crowley parroted Castiel's question.
Neither of them were certain. Both thought on it for a while, taking their own seats at the table.
"I need to move on." Castiel finally said. "And stop my crusade from hurting others. I need to… To let go."
"I think I should come to accept that control will not be easy to maintain." Crowley said, Dean's words loud and clear in the back of his mind. "And that… Sometimes to be a good leader I must go back to being a soldier, instead of just bossing around others to keep that control by force."
"We're both doing bad." Castiel said, his voice holding the slight ring of finality.
"You wanna call her this time?" Crowley offered, holding out a phone. "I tried a few hours ago, but she didn't answer."
"Do you think she would answer if I called?"
"I think it's worth a shot." He answered. "And that you have a better chance than I did. She tried to burn me with curtains." He glanced over at the items in question. "I'm going to have to replace those. Again."
"Again?"
"Training." Crowley stated with a slight grimace. "They were the last things to bite the dust, but they did eventually bite it. She burnt her hands reigning in the fire, too."
"You trained her?"
"Yeah."
"Why not your mother?"
"She wasn't available at the time."
Cas and Crowley sat there in semi-awkward silence after that, waiting until an approximate time arrived to call Diana.
The only problem was, she didn't answer. When Crowley went to where he tracker had her at… She was gone.
She'd gotten rid of it. She'd gotten rid of any chance of them tracking her. Her location services were even off on her phone.
"Oh, hell." Crowley swore, but it didn't sound like his heart was in it. He just… He sounded tired. "Hey, Castiel?"
"Yes?"
"What do you keep seeing in her that reminds you so much of Kylie?" He asked. "She seems like a totally different person to me. Kylie was kinder, more rational, and…" He searched for the right word. "I guess more optimistic. Diana… She's none of those. She's rude and hard and unyielding and quite pessimistic."
"You didn't know Kylie at first." Castiel answered. "Before everything. She used to be the same way when she didn't have a home."
"Really?"
"Yes." He smiled a little. "She was so stubborn, so pessimistic and cautious and always working to think ahead as far as possible. How much food we had, how much we would need, best way to ration, who would take what guard shifts, where we would go…" Castiel paused for a second, lost in thought. "She relaxed after I got sick and better, surprisingly. I don't quite know why. But I know that she really did start being happier then."
"Huh." Crowley thought on that as Castiel allowed himself to be lost in a memory.
It was cold. It was raining. And Castiel was shivering as he sat half-inside a cardboard box. Kylie had tried to tell him to curl his legs, that way he could radiate his own warmth on to himself and get as much of him out of the cold rain as possible, but he couldn't do it. He just… He didn't feel strong enough, and that scared him.
"Dammit." Kylie muttered, sitting next to him in that box. He was shivering still, and his forehead felt hot and his teeth wouldn't stop hitting against each other and in all honesty, all the former angel wanted at that point was to go to sleep and not wake up until it had all passed.
"I'm fine." He said, trying to assure her as he attempted to maneuver out of the box and stand. The actions though, that hurt his head, as though he was taking a thousand beatings from his older brothers right behind the front of his skull. "I just need a little bit of time and I'll be fine." He amended.
"You're sick, Castiel." Kylie was blunter, then. Not really one to lie or hide anything, or make it seem more or less than it was. "You need to eat." She reached in to the bag, and I could just barely see her withdraw her hands with a slightly soggy piece bread in one, and a bottle of water in the other. She handed both to him, but the sight of them made him sick. He couldn't help but shake his head at the offering. "Yes. Eat!" She ordered, her tone sharp and insistent.
"We're running low on food." He answered. He'd been trying to keep track of it, so that Kylie had one less thing to worry about. "You have three granola bars, that slice of bread, 22 liters of water, and an apple." From the look on her face, Castiel's knowledge of their supplies wasn't something she was happy to hear. He was making an effort. What had he done wrong again?
"Yeah, well, I can always go get more food." She reminded him. "I can't just run out to the gas station and buy a new Castiel. So eat." She pushed the sickening items towards him again. "It'll help you feel better." He looked at the food, fighting down that human urge to vomit. "I promise, you won't throw up." Her tone was quieter this time, kinder even, as she gently held the food and water towards him again.
That time, he ate, and almost couldn't keep it down. That was when he realized Kylie had lied, to try and get something in him. She had lied to him, to help him, and tried to be kind about it.
That was the only reason he was able to keep all the food down. She had tried, sacrificed precious rations so that he may get better, and he wouldn't waste them. So he ate, and shortly afterwards drowsiness overtook him until he was asleep.
He woke up to the sound of sirens off in the distance. He turned to where Kylie was, to ask what was happening, but she wasn't there. "Kylie?" His voice didn't even sound good. It sounded hoarse and his throat hurt when he spoke. His upper body was burning, while the lower felt as though it may freeze solid. His eyes hurt and felt heavy, his head still bore that beating on the interior, and it was raining.
But none of that mattered, because Kylie wasn't there, and when he tried to get up again he failed. She was gone, and he couldn't even get up to find her, much less say her name any louder than that space in between a whisper and a voice.
He couldn't help but say it again. "Kylie?"
She left you. A cruel voice that sounded like Lucifer's spoke in the back of his mind. She got tired of you. You're dead weight, so she left you here to die like a human, of sickness in the cold.
She wouldn't leave. I argued, albeit weakly. She wouldn't do that.
Then she's dead, and you failed her because of your weakness. She was never alive, Castiel. You're so delirious with fever, you imagined a human being back to help you because you can't help yourself. She's dead, and you couldn't do anything about it. You still can't do anything about it.
Everything you try to save, you break and destroy and kill. Even yourself.
Either way, it's your fault Castiel.
Kylie came back a few minutes later, her form a little hazy and distorted. Worry was prevalent on her face, an emotion he hadn't seen yet.
She's dead, Castiel. That voice in his head couldn't help remind him of this. You're imagining things. She's dead, and the only thing you can think of to help you help yourself. "You left." He said, doing his best to ignore his brother's voice. Kylie grabbed our bags, slinging them all over her shoulder along with some other new items I couldn't discern. Then she urged me to stand, helping me in the process.
God, did it hurt. I almost wished for death right there.
"We have to move, now." She said urgently, her voice holding that same worry that her face did. He got up the best he could, completely destroying the box he'd been sitting in as he went.
"You left." He repeated.
"And now I'm back. I've been doing that a lot, apparently." She was too preoccupied to notice Castiel flinch at those words. What if she really was dead? Did she just admit it? "But right now, we have to run."
"What happened?" He asked, trying to focus on the new things she had as she shoved something in his backpack, putting it back over her shoulder afterwards.
"I'll tell you later, I promise. But right now, we need to GO." When she reached for his hand, he was so happy that he could feel hers connect with his. If she could hold his hand, then she had to be there, right?
Then she started pulling him along, going from walking to running as quickly as she could get me to. We stumbled, slid, and I almost tripped frequently as we ran through the rain (I would have more often than not, if Kylie hadn't been there to catch me). We ran through a forest for what felt like an eternity until she finally stopped, and I couldn't help but waste the precious food I'd eaten earlier.
"Sit over here." Kylie ordered, pulling him towards a tree. Once I stopped heaving, she helped him sit down, his back leaning against the rough bark of the trunk. The packs were on either side of me a second later, save for one new object that Kylie still held on to. As she set it up, Castiel learned it was a tent. When had she gotten a tent? How had she gotten one? He knew they didn't have the money for it.
It took him much longer than he was proud to admit to remember he had heard sirens earlier. Kylie had stolen it, and done it fast. She risked arrest and jail and to get this.
He wasn't certain whether to be grateful or guilty. But he felt more grateful, because if she was setting up a tent, then she couldn't be dead. She was there, she was alive, and she had risked herself to get this.
That made him feel guilty.
Once she was finished, Kylie acquired the packs and helped me get in to the tent. It felt nice, to finally be out of the rain. "There." She said, taking a deep breath. "This will keep us from the rain. And I even got you a sleeping bag." So that was the item she had put in my backpack. She procured it quickly, smiling a fake smile as she showed the item to me. "We won't use it right now, not while you're still a little warm," She took a moment to place her hand on my forehead. "But later, it's all yours buddy. Every homeless guy's dream. For right now, though," she took another second to scavenge through her own backpack until she pulled out a familiar little box. Medicine. "I'm pretty certain it's been four hours, so you're clear to take some more medicine after you eat."
He didn't argue this time when she cut the last apple in half, and handed him one. He just ate it, determined to keep it within his stomach this time. Once he was gone, she handed him his water bottle and two pills. He took the medicine as Kylie had taught him.
"There." She repeated the word with the same fake smile, but this time it looked just a little more real. "You'll start feeling much better soon now."
"You were gone." He said after a little bit. Her smile fell at that.
"I know. I had to go get the tent and sleeping bag. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you." She looked guilty for the actions.
"I thought I had been dreaming."
"Dreaming about what?"
"You being alive again." He answered, shivering again, though not from cold. "I thought I'd been dreaming you being alive, dreaming that you came with me, dreaming that you might forgive me. Am I dreaming?" He had to ask, had to know for certain. "Are you still dead?"
"No, Castiel, I'm not dead." She assured him, grasping one of his hands lightly. He held on like a life preserver, as though it was his only assurance as to her words being truth as he stared at her hand in absolute amazement.
She was alive.
She was here with him.
He could still fix things with her, still do better.
"And you're not dreaming." She added. "I'm here with you. I… I shouldn't have been mad at you in the first place, I had no right to be, and I'm sorry for that. I forgive you." She put her other hand on top of his. "I forgive you Castiel."
He felt a mix of emotions. Relief, yes, definitely, but something else. Annoyance, surprisingly. Irrational annoyance at her constant use of his proper name. She was his friend, or at least he hoped. Hell, if he was truthful with himself he would admit to wanting more than friendship.
But still, with both of those, she still didn't need to call him by his full name. Sam and Dean said Cas. Everybody said Cas. The brothers considered it a sign of family, a sign of him belonging. If she liked him, why wouldn't she call him Cas as well? He loved (loved? That was such a strange word for him to not only use, but also understand on an instinctually human level) to hear her say his name, yes, but he would also like to hear her be less formal with him.
"Quit calling me that." He requested. "Sam and Dean call me Cas, and they say it's because they like me, and that I'm their family. Do you like me, Kylie?"
There was a moment's hesitation before she answered, a moment that lasted an eternity for Castiel. What if she said no? What if she suddenly disappeared? What if it all was torn away in an instant?
"Yeah, of course." Her tone made it sound as though it was the most obvious thing in the world, and he felt even relieved at hearing those words. Of course she liked him. Why would she be here if she wasn't? There was still something that was bothering him, though.
"Then quit calling me Castiel." He requested. "Call me Cas, please. It's been bothering me for a long time now."
"Alright, then." She agreed, her voice kind as she gave him a short hug. Cas couldn't help but feel as though he may be in Heaven after all. "I forgive you," she paused for a second. "Cas."
"Thank you." He couldn't help but smile, and keep smiling even after Kylie ended the embrace. She helped him out of his trench coat shortly after, which felt tremendously great to Castiel. Who knew how heavy a wet article of clothing could be?
"What's this?" She asked, regaining his attention. She was holding the card, the one he had bought for her earlier. He was intending to surprise it with her after he was better.
"You were upset with me…" He started off, uncertain as to how to continue. When she gazed at him, so intent and focused on his words with such kindness and… he wasn't certain how the word "openness" seemed to describe her eyes at that moment, but it did, and for a moment that openness made him forget how to explain the card of apology. "That's the real reason why I wandered off. The tea was only an afterthought. I was going to give it to you after it stopped raining."
She paused for maybe a moment before opening the card, and reading his apology inside. And that was the last thing he remembered before sleep overtook him again, but he was certain that he could hear Kylie's voice cut through the fog of his mind. "I forgive you Cas, I promise." She said, her voice like moonlight in my mind. "Just please get better. Please get better. For all your faults and mishaps, I can't do this without you. You're the only person I have right now. So please, please Cas," There was warmth radiating from somewhere… His hand. It was a comforting warmth, one that he wanted to hold on to, but he could already feel it slipping away as he fell deeper and deeper in to the fog. "Please get better, and get better soon." Her voice drifted over him, as light as the wind. He tried to reach for it, to clench that warmth and comfort that was her a little tighter and promise her that he would get better, but he just kept falling.
When he woke up, it was early morning. Kylie was fast asleep beside him, curled in to a small ball like she normally slept. Castiel wanted to ask why, but even he knew enough about humanity to know that it would be an odd question to ask.
What made him smile, though, was that her curled form was resting partially on him, her head on his thigh as she faced towards the tent flaps. She didn't have to rest like that, he had seen her sleeping sitting up multiple times as well (although as to the reason for that, he knew why), but that she did made him smile. Had she done it on purpose? On accident?
Castiel couldn't care less, because she was getting sleep and she was comfortable enough to rest her head on him.
Then again, she had also slept while he had, something she worked hard to not do. She must have been absolutely exhausted.
Castiel decided he was going to do something nice for her.
He gently shifted her to sleep on his coat, balled up in a corner of the tent, and worked as quietly as possible to gather their wet things and lay them out in the sun. Once he was done, he stopped.
It had stopped raining, and the sun felt great against his skin. He stood for a moment, and on a whim spread his arms wide.
It felt as warm as Kylie's hand in his; as healing and comforting and soft as she had been, for just a few moments.
Castiel removed his wet shirt to lay out as well. The sun felt good against his chest, it felt as though his father were blessing him with this good fortune.
When Kylie came out, the sun's warmth was dim in comparison to her. She came and sat by him, and they talked like friends. She called him Cas. That made him feel good.
She was contemplative as they sat side by side, his coat now laid out to dry on the opposite side of Kylie. He wanted to offer her himself so that she may rest her head on him, but he didn't. He wasn't certain how that would be received.
As far as he could tell, though, she was happy. That was what mattered most.
And now she's dead again, little brother. Lucifer's voice once more, a sneering hiss of negative thoughts in the back of his mind. And once again, it is all your fault.
