((Chapter heading is pilfered from Blinded by ASP, which is a rather uncomfortable song. Interestingly enough, I've used the title itself for a chapter heading long ago. I just checked where and find out it was in a (completely unrelated) DA story. Figures.))
Chapter 4
Dirty Needles in my Scars
For the duration of the ten minutes Fenris watched him, Dorian didn't move an inch. He sat with his back against the wall on the floor, staring at his hands. His face was a mask of agony.
'What did you see?' Fenris asked.
Dorian jumped so violently he almost fell over. 'Maker. You scared me.' He swallowed and collected himself. 'What do you mean?'
'In the Fade. The lesser fear demons. You didn't see spiders, did you?'
'Yes. Some.'
'I'm not asking about those.'
'I know.' He swallowed. 'Will you show me yours?'
Fenris sat down next to him. 'I think I have to.'
'Very well.' Dorian folded his hands in his neck. 'You saw the headstone. What it said. I saw … temptation. I could become … I could change, Fenris, become the son my father wanted me to be, have a normal life at home, without the risk of turning me into a vegetable. All I had to do was remove a particular obstacle, an obstacle that … Maker, you'll hate me. Someone who tied me to what I truly am, someone who was in my thoughts and my heart and whom I do desire.' He licked his lips. 'Fenris, this thing tried to get me to kill you, in case I need to spell it out. And the frightening part is that I wanted to give in. There were moments where I nearly did.'
'Yet you did not.' Fenris gave him an appraising look. 'I wish the same could be said about myself.' He shook his head. 'I blamed Hawke for everything wrong with me, when in truth, I let him down. More than once.'
'He's gone, Fenris. He'll never hurt you again.'
'The truth is, I hurt him first. We … had a budding relationship. I fled. And then I … let a demon turn me against him.'
'We mortals have very little resistance to demons. It happens.'
'Not to you. You didn't give in.'
'I'm a mage. We are forced to learn to resist, or we perish very young.' He rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'What was it you saw, Fenris? Do you want to tell me?'
'I saw … servants of a Tevinter magister. They were bound to his will and after my blood. But they were only tools. If I was to destroy their master, they would be free. So would I.'
'Let me make an educated guess: I was the magister.' Fenris offered a curt nod. 'Well. You didn't kill me, either.'
'No. I knew what this was.' The elf rose. 'I don't think I made the right choice.'
Dorian stared up at him. 'Well, if you should try to kill me now to correct your mistake, I might put up a fight, if I find it in me. Or I might just sit here and wait for you to rip my heart out. Not sure yet.'
Fenris made an impatient noise. 'That wasn't the mistake, frutex. The wardens … after what happened … could they have been redeemed?'
'It's done, Fenris.' Dorian offered a small smile. 'You don't trust easily, do you? You conscripted the templars, you exiled the wardens … I wonder when you'll kick me out of Skyhold.'
'I won't.' He offered Dorian a hand to help him stand.
After a moment of hesitation, the mage took it, holding on to it when he spoke. 'I hope so. I like it here.' Deciding to be bold, he brushed a thumb over Fenris's skin before removing his hand. 'You are a good leader. I may not always agree with you, but I have no doubt that it will all work out. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.'
((Frutex literally means bush. Here, it means fool.))
