When They Think of Me (They Think of You)
By: TheFifthCharmedOne
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Supernatural is just a show that made me catch feelings.
Summary: 1,460 days later and Cas still has feelings for Dean. He's tried to date other people, many others, but none of them have ever made him feel the way Dean did. When his sister convinces him to move back to Lawrence, he never expects to see Dean again. He is sorely mistaken. Contains UST (lots of it) and man-pain. Also, Sabriel, and Charlie/Anna.
Chapter Five: Who You Are (And Who You're Meant To Be)
In his entire life, Gabriel couldn't remember a challenge as arousing or as frustrating as Sam Winchester.
There was something about him, a subtle power and grace that made Gabriel's breath catch. He had never wanted anything or anyone so badly.
So why was he having so much trouble getting it? Not that he thought of Sam as a prize to be won, more of a puzzle to solve.
Each time that he'd flirted, made innuendos, even blatantly asked the taller man out, he got rejected.
It was starting to hurt his pride a little.
"Come on Sammich, one date! I promise I'll make it worth your while." The saucy wink that he ended that sentence with should have been labeled jalapeño hot.
Yet again though, Sam was unimpressed.
"No, Gabriel." Sam said. God, even the way Sam said his name was attractive. "I'm not interested."
Something in his eyes though, told a different story.
Damned if Gabriel could figure out what it was, though.
"Finals start tomorrow, so I've got to get home and study." Sam told Jo. "Jess, you ready?"
Toward the end of the night during the week, the Roadhouse would empty out early, around 10:30, and that was when Jo stuck around to help her mother clean and lock up. Jess, however, left when Sam did because of the car/roommate situation.
What? Gabriel was not stalking Sam. He was just…observant.
Right.
Jess and Sam left the bar, and Gabriel was struck with how well they complimented each other. Not for the first time, he wondered why Jess had broken off the engagement.
Not that he was complaining, Sam being married would have complicated things severely, but still. Curiosity killed the cat and all that.
"Jooooooo," Gabriel whined. "Why won't Sam go out with me?"
Jo smirked.
"That's something that you'd have to ask him." His head hit the polished wood with a thwack.
"Oh come on. You've got to have some intel."
"Oh you mean because I've known the Winchesters since I was a kid and Jess throughout college?" She picked up a beer jug and began drying it. "Woo him."
"Huh?" Gabe asked, picking his head up from the bar.
"Woo him." Jo repeated. "Instead of being a slimy player, unlock the true gentleman beneath. Actually show interest that goes farther than the bedroom."
"I take offense to that!" Gabe said, and Jo rolled her eyes, reaching up to put the beer jug away. "You roll your eyes too much, they're going to stay that way." Gabe warned.
Jo did it again, just for good measure.
"Joanna Beth Harvelle!" Ellen shouted from the kitchen. Jo's shoulders sank.
"I wonder what I did this time." She said before disappearing behind the "employees only" door.
Gabriel considered what Jo had said. Despite his protests, what she said made sense, and while he did want to have sex with Sam, he also wanted to go on dates, fall asleep together, share candy…
Wow, he had it bad.
Oh well. He thought. Better to have loved once and all that.
Dean sensed Cas's presence before the other man entered the bar. Something inside him knew that Cas was nearby, and he instantly hunched his shoulders, trying to be as small as possible.
"Cassie!" Gabriel crowed, and Dean tried not to flinch. The intense desire to kiss Cas nearly overwhelmed him.
For a Friday night, the Roadhouse was pretty quiet. Sam and Jess had left a few minutes before, and Gabriel had wandered over to the pool tables.
That was, until Cas came in.
"How's it feel to finally be done with your dissertation?" Gabriel asked, clapping Cas on the shoulder and guiding him toward the bar.
Toward Dean.
Fuck.
The craving for whiskey was sudden and hit him like a punch in the gut.
He needed the numbness. Needed the burn of the drink down his throat. Needed to forget.
His hand was halfway in the air before some sensible part of him pushed it back down.
No. 548 days. You swore you'd never be like dad.
I won't.
Castiel's heart was in his esophagus, a rather unpleasant place for an organ originally intended for his chest cavity.
Dean.
The ache in his chest was as acute as it had been the day before, and, to a lesser degree, for the last four years.
We were happy, Dean. Why? What did I do wrong?
Cas stopped that train of thought before it could start, because down that road lay madness.
He asked the pretty waitress for a cup of coffee, and stuffed his hands in his pockets to hide their shaking. It took him a moment to realize that she was Jo, and that made him hurt even more. Nothing, and everything, had changed.
Why did I agree to come here? He wondered, and then he realized Gabriel had been talking to him.
"Coffee, Cassie, really? We're supposed to be celebrating."
"Celebrating?" Jo asked, presenting Cas with his coffee, cream, and sugar.
"I turned in my Masters dissertation today." Castiel informed her. "You're looking well, Jo." He said, and she smiled, pleased with the compliment.
"Congratulations on that, Cas." Jo told him. She poured a large tumbler of beer. "On the house." She said, and turned back to the remaining customers.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd say she was hittin' on you." Gabriel said with a slight whistle. "Too bad you're gayer than a rainbow."
"Gabriel," Cas groaned at his brother's insinuation, but didn't deny it. He'd long known his orientation, he just didn't appreciate it broadcasted. Cas took a long swig of his beer, delighted in the fluttering sensation it sent through him. He'd always been a lightweight, something Gabe teased him for relentlessly.
Cas's eyes fell on Dean, and he allowed himself to stare.
Dean's posture was slouched, defensive in nature. He was nursing a Coke, with some Red Bull in it most likely, but there was no alcohol in sight. The realization made his eyebrows furrow – why would Dean come to a bar so regularly if he wasn't drinking?
"You're gonna burn a hole through him." Gabriel's voice was soft, for once, and not teasing. "We can go if you want."
Typical of Gabriel to offer him a way out.
"Let me finish my beer." Cas said, and Gabe nodded solemnly.
Dean had felt every second of Cas's inspection. Jo had been hinting at talking to Cas since he'd arrived, but Dean refused. He wasn't opening that bag of snakes again.
He had overheard, though, that Cas had turned in his dissertation today. The one he'd written about love.
Thinking back, he and Cas had never been the sappy, confessional types. It was just an unspoken fact that they loved each other. He supposed he should have told him how he felt at least once.
Self-loathing tore through him, and he winced as though it was physical. There were a lot of things in his life that he would do differently if he could.
He finished his drink and left money on the counter for Jo.
The streets of the sleepy town were quiet. A humid summer breeze ruffled Dean's hair, and he turned down the alley, on his way to Baby 2, when a rock hard fist connected with his stomach.
Coughing, Dean whirled blindly as another fist caught his left eye. A foot knocked his knees out from under him, and then another foot stomped on his wrist. Pain shot up his arm like a million volts of lightning.
"Who's there?" he asked, speaking around the blood pooling in his mouth.
"The King wants his money, Winchester. You have two weeks. Or else."
As an exclamation point, the gangsters slammed Dean's face into the gravel.
The world went black.
"Oh my god, Dean!" Jo. Jo's voice. Dean knew it was her by the panic in her tone.
"Mm okay." Dean slurred.
"Mom! Bobby!" Jo shouted. The two older adults came running out, and, to Dean's shock, so did Gabriel and Cas.
Cas's face was as white as a sheet, he noticed bleakly, before passing out again.
He woke up at Lawrence Memorial.
Taking inventory of his injuries, his arm was in a sling and his face hurt like a bitch. He could move his toes, legs, and fingers though. Nothing permanent.
"Dean, oh thank God." Mom. Sam. Oh, god.
"Are you guys okay?" he asked, his voice raspy and throat dry. Sam gave him a plastic cup of ice water without a word, expression stormy.
"We're fine Dean, how can you ask that?" Mary demanded. "You were mugged, we should be asking how you are."
"I'll live." Dean said gruffly.
"You will indeed, though you'll need to take some time off from work at the garage."
A man in a white lab coat and a stethoscope around his neck came into the room, looking over what was presumably Dean's file.
"Dr. Moore," Mary said, standing.
"His worst injury is a broken arm." Jess's father stated, gaze meeting Sam's briefly.
"But that's not where it ends," another new voice came in, and Dean groaned in protest.
"You called the cops?" he asked his family.
Sheriff Jody Mills' arms were crossed over her chest, badge gleaming in the fluorescent lights. Brunette hair was cut short, and kind face was hidden with a mask of professionalism.
"Mr. Winchester," she began, and Dean winced. "Dean," she tried again. "Do you know who did this to you?"
"The King wants his money, Winchester. Or else."
"No idea." Dean said gruffly, not meeting the sheriff's eyes.
He wasn't protecting Crowley or his goons; he was protecting himself and his family. If the cops got wind of mob activity, even the slightest bit, he'd be dead by sunrise. Crowley was King of Lawrence for a reason; he knew how to beat the system.
"Are you sure?" Jody asked, and Dean offered a pained shrug. Every movement of his left arm felt like a million bruises. "Well, okay. We'll investigate further, and if you remember anything, Dean, please tell us."
Dean nodded tersely. The sheriff left.
"Hey, mom." Sam said once Jody was gone. "Can you go get me some coffee?"
"Sure, honey," Mary said, though she looked hesitant to leave Dean.
"I'm fine, Mom." Dean told her, and, seemingly satisfied, Mary left.
Sam met his brother's gaze. "What?" Dean demanded.
"You know who did this." It wasn't a question.
"No I don't." Dean lied.
"Come on Dean, I'm not stupid. I know that you didn't have the money for dad's funeral in some hidden savings account."
Dean's head whipped toward his brother. Sam's eyebrows were raised. "Not for anything, but you never used to think ahead, especially not long enough to predict Dad's liver failure. So you got the money from somewhere else. Someone else."
"Leave it, Sammy. I'm handling it." Dean growled.
"The black eye, broken arm, and messed up face say otherwise." Sam snapped. "Why would you be so stupid as to work with Crowley, Dean?!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't want Mom to lose the house!" Dean shouted back.
"Dean." Both brothers turned to face their mother; she held a steaming Styrofoam cup.
"Shit." Dean swore. "This is your fault." He threw at Sam, who cast him a bitchface.
"Dean Winchester, do you mean to tell me that you made a deal with Crowley, the mob boss, on my behalf?"
Something in her tone made Dean feel like he was five years old and had accidentally broken the neighbor's window with a baseball. Again.
"I didn't want you to lose the house, Mom. Dad was a useless, stubborn bastard that thought he was too good for life insurance and you would've suffered for it!"
"How much do you owe him?" Mary asked, her voice still laced with that deadly calm.
Dean muttered something. "Speak. Up."
"Ten grand."
The coffee cup fell to the floor, the brown liquid splattering across the tile.
"10, 000 dollars, Dean?" Sam nearly shrieked, sounding almost exactly like the girl Dean always teased him for being.
"I told you, I have it taken care of." Dean grumbled, still not looking his mother or brother in the eye. "I only need another $500."
"Then that will come from me."
The three Winchesters whirled to face the newcomer.
Castiel stood in the doorway.
Dean's mouth dropped open.
"No, Cas – you don't have too-"
"Don't argue with me, Dean." Cas told him. "Am I correct in assuming you don't have medical insurance?"
Dean bowed his head, which was answer enough. "Your hospital bill is sure to be astronomical. I will help with that as well, if my assistance is welcomed." He glanced at Mary, who was still staring at him as though she'd never seen him before. "Mary, Sam, may I speak with Dean alone for a moment?"
The two looked at each other, then at Dean, then at Cas, and nodded.
Cas approached Dean's bed, and despite his bravado, Dean could see the fear and nervousness in those blue eyes.
Scared of me, no doubt. God, I'm such a worthless piece of shit.
"I'm not scared of you, Dean. I'm scared for you." Cas told him, as though reading his mind. "When Jo found you in that alley…you looked…" Cas clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles whitened.
"Devilishly handsome?" Dean supplied with a weak chuckle.
"Now is not the time for jokes." Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, navy blue looking notebook.
A checkbook.
"Cas no, I'm not taking your money." Dean argued.
"It's not taking if it's freely given." Cas told him, and Dean swallowed hard. He wrote out the check with brutal efficiency, and left it on the bedside table. "Take care, Dean."
Something about that sounded like a goodbye. Cas stood up and began walking toward the door.
It sounded final.
"Cas." Dean said, and the other man paused. "Where are you going?"
"Home, Dean. I'm going home."
Cas didn't leave room for any more questions, and Dean leaned his head back against the pillows and sighed heavily.
The suitcase seemed to taunt him as he stared at it.
You're too much of a coward to leave, and you know it.
I did it before.
You barely went a half hour away. If you really wanted to leave, you should've gone back to Salt Lake.
Cas sighed.
"Cassie?" It was Anna; her voice soft. "Going somewhere?"
"I…" Cas bit his lip, bowing his head. "I…can't stay here, Anna. The pain, the longing, I can't take it."
"Then let's go on vacation." She said. "Let's go to Windom."
In their years on the run, Gabriel, Anna, and Castiel had spent time in numerous big cities and small towns, starting in Salt Lake City, Utah, and ending up in New York City at one point. They'd hitchhiked and stolen cars, and once Anna was old enough to rent vehicles, they'd do that as well. Ending up in Lawrence, then Topeka, and back to Lawrence had been a change to their usual routine of travel, but they figured that if their brothers truly wanted to find them, they would.
Cas looked at the suitcase once more.
"Did I hear someone say vacay?" Gabe's voice shattered the silence. "Let's go!"
"No, Gabriel." Anna said quietly. "You need to stay here and watch the house. This is just for Castiel and I."
Gabriel stared at his sister.
"But…we've never split up. Ever." Gabriel said, voice small and childlike.
"It's only for the weekend. Cas needs peace and quiet, and no offense Gabe, but you're the opposite of that. Besides, don't you have a giant to woo?"
Gabriel's face lit up at the thought of Sam, and Cas's chest ached once again.
Anna was right, he did need a vacation. He looked out his bedroom window, toward the highway and beyond.
To Windom, then.
A/N: It only took five chapters, but I made it to my ten page goal! Woohoo! I'm literally so proud of what this story has become. It's given me a chance to really develop my writing and improve my overall confidence.
Warning, chapter 6 is going to be a doozy; lots of explanation and angst to come. I'm also going to change the tags to include trigger warnings for abuse, so yeah.
Please leave kudos/comment/review!
Thanks in advance!
-Charmy
