I've heard many people say that love is a bitch. You pour yourself out to someone and you run the risk of it backfiring. You show someone your whole true self, you become vulnerable. I, for one, never really believed in this whole "love" thing until I met Bianca. I opened myself up to her and talked about things that I would never share to just anyone.
And I shared intimate moments with her, our skins touching, legs tangled, fingers intertwined…
Yet, here I am now, like a deer caught in headlights. Frozen. My brain was still processing what was in front of me. This cannot be happening.
"Oh God," Bianca said as she and Toby panicked and looked for their clothes, "Wesley, how did you get in here?" she sounded pissed.
She was the one pissed off. She was the one in bed with Toby Tucker. Was Tucker doing such a bad job of pleasuring her that she was pissed? I'd like to think so but not likely. I knew Bianca had a thing for Tucker and this was probably what she was waiting for, to be with his long time crush, no matter how lousy he might be in bed. Yes, I went there. Seeing them together made me feel a whole new level of anger.
"The door was unlocked," I said through gritted teeth. "You didn't answer when I knocked," I looked at Toby, imagining what would happen to him if I just decided to pound him right then and there. "Now I can see why."
"But what are you doing here?" She was definitely irritated.
"You weren't answering your phone. I was worried, but it looks like you're just fine." I glared at Toby then focused on Bianca, "my mistake." Maybe I shouldn't have come here. I felt betrayed. I wanted to be angry at Bianca but I couldn't. It felt like she betrayed me but I couldn't be angry at here. I am upset, granted, seeing the person you have feelings for in bed with another guy, no matter how much I have decided in my head that I am okay with her dating someone else and I was willing to wait, it still disappointed me. Toby, however that was a different story. I could seriously do some damage to him right then and there.
Bianca pushed me into the hallway and she shut her bedroom door. "God, Wesley, I always knew you were a perv, but watching me? That's a whole new level of creepy."
I looked at her straight in the eye. I didn't think what she would say hurt me but it did. She usually says these kinds of things to me and I never really minded them. I'd even reply with a tease or probably cop a feel but what she said caught me off guard. I didn't want to say anything to her for fear that what I might come out of my mouth might hurt her because let's be honest, sometimes my brain to mouth process doesn't go through a filter. I didn't want to hurt her. What could I say?
"So, you and Tucker are together?" GREAT QUESTION, WESLEY. Didn't you walk in on them all over each other? You're only setting yourself up for another disappointment.
"Yes. We are."
Ouch.
"When did that happen?" You know. You know. Just shut up.
"Last week. Not that it's any of your business."
Ouch again.
"Right. Sorry."
I don't know what else to say. I just stared at her, happy that she was fine and unharmed. God! I miss her so much. I wanted to hug her, kiss her.
"Why are you here, Wesley?"
"I told you. I got worried. You've been avoiding me for the past week at school, and when I called you, you didn't answer. I thought something might have happened with your dad. So I came to make sure you were okay," and that I wanted to ask you something, something important.
"That's sweet, but I'm fine. Dad apologized for the other night, and he's going to AA meetings now, so…"
"So you weren't going to tell me?" If she only knew how much I worried, how I imagined horrible things happening to her whenever she didn't answer my call. Part of me was scared that I'd get a call one day and say that she's in the hospital, badly beaten.
"Why would I?"
"Because I care!" I yelled. I didn't know why she was like this. "I've been worried about you since you left my house a week ago! You didn't even say why you left, Bianca. What was I supposed to do? Just assume you would be all right?"
"God," her voice softened, "I'm sorry, I didn't—"
"I'm worry about you," I had to let it out, "and you're fucking that pretentious little—!"
"Hey! Don't bring Toby into this."
The hell I will. Fine. Let's put that little prick in the back burner for now. I have something more important to ask.
For awhile now, I've been mulling over the possibilities of why Bianca left me. I only came to one conclusion but I needed her to confirm it. A part of me was scared that it wasn't going to be what I had hoped for but since the time we were together, and I'm not just talking about sex, I've gotten to know Bianca pretty well. I was sure of what I felt for Bianca. As pompous as it might sound, I knew how she felt about me. You don't share intimate moments with someone and just up and leave without any explanation. She was scared. I was too.
"Why have you been avoiding me?"
"I haven't been avoiding you."
That was BS. I have tried approaching her several times but she's the one who wouldn't have it. I can see right through her.
"Don't lie. You've been doing everything you can to stay away from me. You won't even look at me in class, and you practically sprint down the hallway if you see me coming. Even when you hated me, you didn't act like that. You might threaten to stab me, but you never—"
"I still hate you," she said, I'm not convinced, "You're infuriating! You act like I owe you something. I'm sorry I made you worry, Wesley, but I just can't be around you anymore. You helped me escape from my problems from a while, and I appreciate that, but I have to face reality. I can't keep running away."
"But that is exactly what you're doing right now! You're running away."
"Excuse me?"
If she needed me to spell it out for her, I will. So, here it goes.
"Don't pretend, Bianca," because I'm not pretending anymore, please see this, "You're smarter than that, and so am I. I finally figured out what you meant when you left. You said you were like Hester. I get it now. The first time you came to my house, when we wrote that paper, you said Hester was trying to escape. But everything caught up with Hester in the end, didn't it? Well, something finally caught up with you but you're just running away again. Only, he," I pointed to her door where Tucker was probably in her room listening in, good, he should here these things, "is your escape this time." I stepped closer to her, her smell, her heart beating faster, the proximity of our bodies, it was electrifying. "Admit it, Duffy."
"Admit what?"
"That you're running away from me. You realized you're in love with me and you bailed because it scared the shit out of you.
She scoffed and rolled her eyes. It didn't faze me, the look in her eyes tell it all. She stepped back.
"Oh my God. Get over yourself. You're fucking dramatic, Wesley. This isn't a damn soap opera."
"You know it's true." Why won't you admit it?!
"Even if it is," tears started to fall from her eyes, I wanted to reach out and wipe them away but I thought against it, I wanted to give her some space seeing that she was truly upset which made me feel like shit, "what does it matter? You could sleep with anybody, Wesley. So what if I walk away? So what if I have feelings for you? I was just a screw to you! You would never actually commit to me. You could never commit to anyone, but especially not to Duffy. You don't even find me attractive."
Why was she thinking these things? She matters. I could sleep with anybody but I haven't been with anybody else but her since I met her. I don't want her to walk away, I want her to walk in to my arms. It matters that she has feelings for me so that we can finally start a legitimate relationship, not just hiding around. I want us to be real. She wasn't just a screw to me. Most of all, I would commit to her, to Bianca. She mattered to me and I would do anything to make her mine. She was beautiful to me and my god, her curves drive me crazy. Hearing her say those things pissed me off. How could she think the way she did?
"Bullshit," I stepped closer, wanting to hug her.
