First Seed, Tirdas 8
Today is the first day I have owned a journal as nice as this one. It took Father a great deal of time to craft this, finding the right amount of paper and the right kind of leather to bind it. I would be happy, if it was not another day the elders reminded me of my title by adding additional training to the ones I am already having to do. Eighteen years of this and it drives me insane. Being born on the night of a blood moon should not be a reason to assign a child the honor of being trained as an assassin. Thievery is another thing they have been teaching me, saying that with the Altmer hunting our kind nearly to extinction we must be able to know many skills. What use is thievery? I asked them this over and over before they told me that children like me were to keep the balance. Balance? I do not know why they think that the Altmer care of balance. Our village has moved more than once to hide from them. Oh well. I am sure that the skills as an assassin will be of more use to me should the Altmer find us.
First Seed, Firdas 11
Sorry I haven't written till today. Mother has been teaching me to cook along side my lessons the elders have me doing. She keeps complaining that a young woman should be able to cook should she marry. I know she hates that I am being trained like this and Father refuses to choose one of the many families willing to marry their sons off to me. Father wants me to have a choice in my love. Love... What love could someone who will only know violence have? Father thinks I will be a good parent though, just like Mother. He saw me with some of the little ones next door and swore I had nearly a glow about me. I just like children. I also like helping the mad man who frequents the square. The poor man is treated so badly. Mother claims I have such a gentle heart. I don't think mother understands that helping him helps me cope with what I am being trained. Paranoia, poison, and stealth seem to be my future. My teacher told me that a good assassin must lose some humanity to be good at what they want me to do. I don't want to kill though.
First Seed, Mondas 14
Seems I will only be writing every three days at this rate doesn't it? An old assassin came to help teacher with me. Teacher claims I have the skills but not the ability to do what I need to do. I had no clue what he meant until I met the assassin. The man looked normal until I met his eyes. He was so cold, like there was no life behind the shine of his eyes. I got some emotion out of him half way through training though. I messed up, when don't I honestly?, and his anger appeared. I saw the life jump into his eyes and he got in my face. Even though he was yelling at me I didn't show him fear. I yelled back, in fact. And he laughed... His laugh was so beautiful. He told me that fire I had would get me far if I could learn to close my heart to my enemies. I asked him how anyone could do such a thing and he answered with possibly the most frightening answer I think I have ever heard. "Think of what your enemy will do if they got past you and to those you love." I need to be as strong as that man. I don't think I can do what he said yet.
Second Seed, Turdas 17
I am in love. The assassin has been working with me since First seed, helping me hone my skills. That alone shouldn't be enough to bond us, and if someone reading that thinks this you would be only partially right. We talk after my lessons, eating lunch under the flowering branches near the training arena. He is much older than I, possibly in his 30th year, but he is so warm underneath the coldness I saw in him that first day. Tonight he walked me home, holding my hand as we talked. My heart was pumping so fast as we neared my door, I was that nervous. When we reached my door he raised my hand to his lips and kissed the palm. He told me I had to be the sweetest woman he had met in years and that I should hold onto a small portion of that kindness no matter what happens. Then he kissed my forehead and made me go inside before he would walk away. I don't know what he meant but it could have to do with the rumors of the Altmer coming back to Valenwood. Soon I will probably see real battle. Most of the elders that train us claim this is where we will lose our gentleness... I am scared. Not for myself. For Father, For Mother... for Him.
Second Seed, Fredas 18
They are coming! Valenwood is completely under attack, our tree villages are being lit from under whole towns. Why would the Altmer do this? He will be leaving tomorrow to help another town who needs more scouts. I begged for him to let me come with him, to let me help him, this afternoon after training. We were alone under the branches we ate lunch at, and he had just told me he was leaving in a couple days. I cried when he told me he couldn't... And then he kissed me. He told me he couldn't take me cause he would be more worried about me than himself. Knowing I was safe would make the fight easier on him. He wants to become cold during battle, I know it... And I now understand what he meant that first day. He wants to be cold to defeat his enemies so they won't make it here. He walked me home after all this and kissed me again, his touch seeming almost desperate to have something of me fresh on his mind. I made him stay put before I ran inside to grab my necklace. Father gave it to me last year on my birthday. I ran back as fast as I could and put it in his hand. Father engraved my name on it so if I lost it someone would return it. I told him to wear it and he would always have me with him. He only smiled and put it around his neck before cupping my cheek. He promised to come back to me... I don't know if that was an empty promise or not.
Sun's Height, Mondas 15
He's dead... The elders came to the house today... They had a letter for me, one he wrote almost as a will of sorts. They had three chests with them too, two large enough for weapons and armor. One was small... I read the letter first. He told me he was sorry if I was reading the letter because it meant he was gone. I won't go too into detail, I don't want anyone who didn't know him to know such words. His words were for me. He did leave me his armor and weapons... and my necklace... I haven't fully stopped crying since. Father and Mother are worried about me. I don't care. I lost the only person that understood me. The Altmer and the Empire deserve no remorse. I will become stronger. I will stop this.
Sun's Dusk, 15
I don't really know what day it is. I left home three weeks ago... I think. I am walking to Skyrim. I hear that there is a fight between the Empire and the Nords happening. Some man named Stormcloak is taking on the Empire. This is the perfect chance for me to hit the Empire as hard as I can ... A new letter appeared before I left. It was from HIM... I was so mad I almost ripped it up, I thought someone was playing a cruel prank... Till the elder that brought it stopped me. The elder told me that I shouldn't tear it up. He said ...he had two wills. One was the one I received the day I found out he was gone. The second gave instructions to give me the second letter should I decide to leave town. How he knew I would never know. It …. It told me not to use revenge as a reason to fight. To keep from fighting till I am able to have a better reason. A family, friends, and someone I loved... He wanted me to love someone else... After what happened to him. The last lines the letter said "You do not have to do as I ask in this letter. I am begging that you consider it. If you read this I died keeping the Altmer from you. My death was to keep you safe because I love you. I want you to have a reason as important as you are to me." I still carry both letters in my armor, I will see if Skyrim gives me a reason to care... But if not I will kill until I die in battle. May I meet him on the other side.
Morning Star, 20
I no longer try remembering more than a date so forgive that. I made it to Skyrim just to be captured before I did anything. I was caught with the Stormcloaks in an ambush. I had barely been in the area for more than a few hours and they were going to kill me. Then a dragon appeared, right before I was to be executed. A dragon! I feel like the world has become upside down. I found you once I was basically released by a Nord named Hadvar. I even found my bow. I couldn't find his letters. When the man noticed my panic he asked about it. When I pointed out I had letters when they caught me he told me they had been read and burned. I would have attacked him for it if he hadn't apologized three times when telling me. I no longer have those or my necklace. Hadvar told me one of the others had taken it. I almost wish I had followed Ralof... At least I could have killed some of those bastards and possibly gotten my necklace back... Oh well. I still remember what I promised myself and wrote in this. I will see if I can find a good reason to fight.
Morning Star, 30
I'm a parent... Oh no I didn't give birth or anything. I gained a house about 4 days ago. It's a long story but I now I have a home in a town named Whiterun. When I was walking to Dragon's Reach, the Keep here, I saw a little girl begging. I talked to her and she told me her name was Lucia. She spoke about her parents dying and the rest of her family kicking her on the streets. I took her in... I had to. She reminded me of myself. Before his death. I loved my parents... I still do. And thinking that something might happen to them... No I refuse to believe that they are hurt or in danger. I wanted to give that child a home. Luckily, I now have a housecarl, her name is Lydia, so she will have someone to watch her when I leave town. I need to look into this country, learn its secrets, and find out what I really am. I won't go too much into that. Being called a title I don't understand isn't worth mentioning. This is my last page though... I guess I should find another. This will stay with me though. I won't let myself lose my purpose. To stop the Altmer. To stop the Empire. Hopefully I find a way to get them focused here instead of Valenwood. I think I understand what he had meant now though. I would kill any that attacks my home or tries to keep me from coming home to this child I have under my wing. She needs me... and I think I could come to love being her parent.
