Confessions
I walked into the library hoping to get away from Josie and her plans, If only for a few minutes. As I passed " Brilliant isn't it?" I turned to Dorian who was perusing the bookshelves of the little nook he had created for himself. "One moment you are trying to restore order in a world gone mad, That should be Easy enough for anyone to handle, yes? And then out of nowhere an archdemon appears and kicks you in the head "What you thought this would be easy?!" he paused "no I was just hoping you wouldn't crush our village like an anthill." "sorry about that Archdemons like to crush, you know. Can't be helped" he turned to me
" am I speaking too quickly for you?" he asked jovially.
"No, the attack was unexpected. We're all rattled."I moved to stand across from him.
"I'm not rattled, I'm the hero of this tale," he said matter of fact
I smiled " then why isn't corypheus after you then?"
He tapped his chin "hmm, Good point. Does that make me the lackey? That's dangerous work..."
" so you warned us why are you still here?" As I crossed my arms and leaned on a bookshelf.
" well the danger is not exactly done yet, is it? I always assumed the "elder one" behind the venatori was a magister, But this... Is something else completely. "
he shook his head a moment "In Tevinter, they say the chantry tales about magisters starting the blight are just that, tales. But here we are. One of those very magisters, A Darkspawn"
"who does the imperium say Started the blight?" I asked him curiously.
"you know how it is, "not us," They say darkspawn were always there, magisters and the blight aren't related. is that a surprise? no one wants to admit they shit the bed. But if Corypheus is one of the magisters who entered the black city and he's Darkspawn... What other explanation is there?" he said
"way does that make you angry?"
" because the Imperium is my home. I knew what I was told couldn't be the whole truth but I assumed there had to be a kernel of it. somewhere. But no. It was us all along. We destroyed the world."
"Dorian you didn't do anything. those men did, a thousand years ago." I tried to calm him.
"True, Except one of them is up walking and talking around right now. Not to mention that I have Idiot countrymen who would happily follow him down that path again."
He sat down and looked at me " I have no intention on letting Corypheus win, not without someone from Tevinter standing against him. now if it's all the same to you I would like to stay and help the inquisition."
" We can use all the help we can get, Dorian." I sat down in one of the chairs across from him and pulled one of the many books on the blight off the shelf. I just needed some company and Dorians was available.
"No one will thank me, no matter what happens. No one will thank you either, you know that, yes?" he said pouring himself a glass of some roseae he pilfered from the stores.
I smiled and turned the page "That attitude must be why they kicked you out of the Imperium."
He laughed "They didn't kick me out." he paused "Well, only because they never got around to it. Eventually, they might have."
He shifted in his seat and looked out the window "All I know is this; Corypheus needs to be stopped. Men like him ruined my homeland," He looked back to me, the determination in his eyes "I cannot stand by and let him ruin the world."
I nodded before he turned back to me and took a sip of his glass. "Oh and Congratulations on that whole leading the Inquisition thing by the way."
Turning another page "Dorian Are you going soft on me?"
"Perish the thought." we laughed.
I walked into Cullen's office we had finally had a chance to clear a lot of it out and get everyone settled. He was behind his desk and was looking down at his old lyrium kit. I remember seeing him use it from my perch back at Kirkwall. He looked up to see who had opened the door the look on his face was that of relief and concern." As leader of the inquisition, you…" he sighed "there's something I must tell you." the look on his face did not say this is going to be a happy day chat with your commander, Tara.
"you're being especially serious today" I quipped trying to be my usual self.
"I know" he let out a breath"Lyrium grants templars our abilities, but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer- some go mad, others die. We have secured a reliable source of lyrium for the templars here. But I … no longer take it."
"You stopped?"I said; I didn't know.
"When I joined the inquisition. It's been months now," he said. I did the math, wait so that night… that explains a lot.
"Why are you doing this?" I asked him. I needed to know why he was risking his life.
"After what happened in Kirkwall. I couldn't..." he looked down at his desk where the lyrium kit sat.
Yes, Meredith. I could see it now.
" I will not be bound to the order or that life -any longer. Whatever the suffering I accept it. But I would not put the inquisition at risk. I have asked Cassandra to … watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised. I will be relieved from duty. " he told me. he was making a choice for himself.
"Are you in pain?" I looked at him with new understanding.
He looked at me. "I can endure it."
"Thank you. For telling me. I respect what you are doing." he was doing what I could not.
"Thank you, inquisitor. The inquisitions army must always take priority. Should anything happen.. I will defer to Cassandra's judgment." I inwardly groaned.
" No Cullen you take priority. Every one of those men out there is a priority to me. Even if I don't know them by name. I don't like others taking unnecessary self-sacrifice."
"Anyway Inquisitor I found where the red templars come from," He said trying to change the subject. "Therinfal Redoubt. The knights were fed red lyrium until they were turned into monsters. Sampson took over after their corruption was complete." I smiled "So, no how was your day?" attempting to lighten things up, he always tried to be all business. Not that I minded it at all.
He smiled for just a moment.
"Sampson, wasn't he your cellmate?" I said coming to lean on his desk.
"How do you?" he asked.
"You forget, we had lives before the inquisition," I said watching him pick up one of his latest reports.
"Yes, well he was until he was expelled from the order… I knew he was an addict but this… red lyrium is nothing like the lyrium given by the chantry. Its power comes with a terrible madness. As you know." He looked over the page at me.
"And his armor was laced with the stuff, he should go mad soon enough." I sauntered behind the desk right next to him.
Trying to read what was on the page, I rarely read my copies of the reports. Why should I if they are just going to tell me later. the heat of him next to me as I leaned close, "Sampson looked clear-eyed at haven, but still a commander fallen to madness." He said rubbing the back of his head; worried. I looked at him knowing who he was thinking of "I know Cullen"
His eyes met mine, blood shot with dark bags below them. Had he not slept? "The red Templars still require lyrium. If we find their source we can weaken them…"
"And their leader," we said in unison. I smiled, His eyes crinkled at the edges as he grinned, I loved it when he smiled.
" So Commander, where do we begin?" I asked.
"Caravans of red lyrium are being smuggled along trade roads investigating them could lead to where they are getting it from," he said as I turned to him. "But be careful about engaging them we cannot have Sampson..." I put my finger to his lip. "I know, and stealth is what I am best at, Cullen." I started to walk out I looked over my shoulder at him.
"Now I shall let my commander get back to work. Since he seems to be keen on it" I smirked and walked out of the office.
While i walked across the bridge back to the main hall, I felt a slight breeze against my back, "Cole, Is there something I can help you help with?"
I turned back to him, now knowing what Cole was didn't change what I thought of him, but it would be wrong to think that I didn't let that affect me.
"No, but I could help you,"
He started to mumble "Too bright. Like counting birds against the sun. The mark makes you more. But past it... Pain, thoughts of him, behind the mask."
His eyes widened as he looked back to me, "You're strong, he didn't change you."
"Yes he did Cole, the memories affect me." I stood there thinking of everything. I watched the people in the training yard, by the medic tents.
" The weight of all on you. All the hopes you carry, fears you fight. You are theirs."
"Yes, they are my men, my friends, I must care. Every one of their lives is in my hands." I must be better, Better than my father. If not then who am I?
"It must be very hard. I could take the pain, untangle the hurt." Cole said suddenly. breaking me from my thoughts.
"No, Cole." I sighed, I had to remember. I cannot just forget. "I need these hurts just like you need to help others, If I did not hurt I would not be me."
"But,"
"No, Cole.' He looked pained as I told him that. "If you took the hurt, the pain, I could not help others as you do. The offer is kind but, No."
He just nodded. and started to turn and made his way to the kitchens to most likely to take some plums.
I smiled.
