Disclaimer: Don't own The Matrix. Don't own any llamas either.
Yay! I'm on a study break! That means I don't have to go to school, because I'm supposed to use this time to… uh… study. Yeah.
THE LLAMA HAS YOU
And so, Neo thought, as he walked the rain-spattered road towards his nemesis, it has come to this.
He remembered all he had gone through to reach this night. Remembered how, long ago, he had woken up to see that enigmatic message on his computer screen:
Wake up, Neo.
The Matrix has your llama.
Follow him.
He's going, Neo.
That was when his best friend, Bob the Llama, had run past him to the door. He'd followed Bob through the night streets, not knowing what else to do, and Bob had let him to a party.
That was where he'd met Trinity.
"I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing. I know why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night you sit by your llama. It's the question that drives us mad. It's the question that brought you here. You know the question, just as I did."
He knew the question, all right. "What do you get when you multiply six by nine?"
Trinity blinked. "Uh, no. I meant the other question."
"What is the Matrix?"
She looked relieved. "Yeah, that one."
Then the next day, the Agents had kidnapped Bob. And they caught him, too, when he tried to go after them. They wouldn't let Bob go, and they said that they'd put Neo in jail if he tried to get Bob out.
Agent Smith stared squarely at him. "As you can see, we've had our eye on your llama for some time now, Mr. Anderson. It seems like he's been living two lives. In one life, he's Bob the Llama, your dear faithful pet. Like any good llama, all he does is chew and spit, but he also helps you to carry out your garbage, which is something most llamas won't do. But his other life is lived in another world, a world in which he is known as Bob the Great. A world where he rules over a planet of people who worship him like a god and encourage his illegal activities – which we have reason to believe include plans to take over the universe.
"I'm going to be as forthcoming as I can, Mr. Anderson. Bob must be killed. And he's going to be killed, whether you cooperate or not."
Neo glared at him. "How about I give you the finger… and you give me my llama."
"Tell me, Mr. Anderson… what good is a llama, if it is unable to spit?"
And Neo had watched in horror as the Agents sealed up poor Bob's mouth. Neo had screamed and screamed, when all of a sudden he'd woken up in bed. Only Bob was nowhere to be seen.
Then someone named Morpheus had called him up, told him that he knew what was going on and that Neo was to meet him at a dingy room in Lafayette Hotel if he wanted to know more. So Neo had gone. He'd found Morpheus exactly where he'd been told. Morpheus had a shiny bald head.
"Do you believe in free will, Neo?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my llama."
"Ah. But what if I told you that you were not?"
"I…"
Then he'd gone into a room, strange things had happened with a mirror, and Neo had woken up in the Real World.
Morpheus told him the truth: it was now the future, and things had changed horrifically. This was a world where llamas were not born… they were grown. The machines had done it. Though Morpheus admitted one thing on behalf of the human race:
"…But it was us that scorched the llamas," Morpheus said. "Some of us thought that, perhaps, if the llamas were burnt, the machines would not see much use in them any more. But we were wrong."
For six months, they fought for the freedom of the llamas. Once, he died… but Trinity had resurrected him with those few immortal words:
"You can't be dead. You can't be, because I love llamas."
And now, Neo was here for the final showdown. Face set, he approached Smith… but then he saw who lay next to him.
Bob.
Neo's mouth fell open as he stared at his late beloved pet. Bob was dead. Maggots were crawling all over him, eating his flesh…
"Good evening, Mr. Anderson!" Smith greeted loudly. "Like what I've done to the llama?"
"No," Neo choked out. "No… it can't be… not Bob… NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Lightning flashed. Thunder clapped.
Neo's vision swam as he observed Bob's mangled form, lying there, slaughtered, maggoty…
Slowly, Neo crumpled onto the ground. It was all over… all over…
Neo died.
Room 436
The Kenselton Hotel
Ted Logan grinned as he finished reading the fic, wondering what Neo would think of the llama-fied version of his life. Scrolling to the top of the page, he glanced through the reviews, when one caught his eye:
"XD This was great. Poor Ted, Neo being all mean like that... Glares at neo, then hands Anakin McFly a cookie Its the least I could do... Well, other than this review..."
'Cookie'? Ted wondered hungrily, when somewhere in another universe, Anakin McFly decided that Ted would like the cookie more and so did something about that.
All of a sudden, a cookie appeared out of nowhere in front of Ted. It was brown and crispy and had chocolate chips in it.
Excellent! Ted thought happily. He took the cookie and proceeded to munch happily on it, not the least bit concerned about its mysterious appearance.
The sound of the toilet being flushed reached his ears, and seconds later Neo walked out of the bathroom. He saw the teen sitting at the computer, and he nearly spontaneously combusted in horror.
'What're you doing there?" Neo demanded, walking over.
Ted shrugged. "You went off, so I thought…"
"Can't I use the bathroom for five minutes without you…" Neo's eyes narrowed. "Where'd you get that cookie?"
"I dunno, dude," Ted admitted. "It sorta just appeared out of nowhere… Want some?" He held out the half-eaten cookie.
Neo stared. "What d'you mean, it appeared out of nowhere? Cookies don't appear out of nowhere."
"They do. I saw it." The teen took another bite and smiled. He liked the cookie. It was a nice cookie.
Neo decided to let it go for the moment. There were more important things on his mind at the moment. "Move off," he said. "And you'd better not have touched anything."
He glanced briefly at the currently open computer window. 'The Llama Has You'? he wondered with a raised eyebrow, then nudged Ted's hand off the mouse and closed the window. "Give me back my chair."
Ted reluctantly got up, finishing off the cookie. He looked around, half-hoping that another cookie would appear, but nothing happened. Ted looked back at the computer screen. "What're you doing, dude?"
"Hacking into Keanu Reeves' bank account. Go away."
"Whoa. How much money does he have?"
"A lot."
"How much?"
"You don't need to know, because you're not getting any of it."
"Why not?"
"You already had the cookie," Neo stated matter-of-factly, and that was the end of the conversation.
End.
Review!
Hitchhiker's fans, go read 'So Long, and Thanks for all the Phish'. It's under the penname 'Ol' Janx Spiriteers'.
Oh, and I have a LiveJournal now; my username is anivad.
HyperCaz: Thanks for reviewing!
Belamancer: Whatever you say, old chap. Tea? Why, thank you!
Bagpipes5K2: Okay, more here!
Bekypowriter: That's the point. ;P Uh, 'the English do talk like us'? Who's 'us'? Because, uh, I'm not American… If you like no-swear fics, read the rest of mine. ;)MysticalBlueVirus: I don't know if I'll ever write a French version; I might, but I don't really think so. Thanks for offering the help! I'll keep that in mind if I ever decide to do one.
LiMiYa: Heh. Thanks! More insanity here…
Sugar-high-pixie: And here's another chapter…
Fellowship of the Band Geeks: Hilarious and freaky is fun. :D Thanks for reviewing!
Elephantsrocmysox: Okay, I'm updating.
Rebellion Yamato: Heheh… thanks for the cookie review!
Drunk soul demon666: What's with your penname? Oh, shameless plug here: if you like Bill and Ted – Matrix crossovers, go read They've Got Mail. Yep. You can skip the first bits if it's too long, and read the fourteenth chapter onwards.
Jim: Ditto. Thanks for reviewing!
