I'm Chinese, and I reserve the right to poke fun at my own race. (Though I'm not from China, I'm from Singapore, but well... THIS IS A SHOUT OUT TO ALL SINGAPOREANS OUT THERE! HAPPY BELATED NATIONAL DAY!)

...Anyway.

I don't own The Matrix trilogy.

MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE CHINESE VERSION

Nake wanshang, tian hen hei, yu hen da, shimisi hen duo. (That night, sky very black, rain very big, Smith very many.)

Tamen youxie zhan zai malubian, youxie zai jianzuwu li. (They got some stand on road, got some in buildings.)

Niou manman di xiang tamen zou. (Neo slowly slowly towards them walked.)

Ta quanshen shi; yushui cong ta de toufa he yifu di xialai. (He whole body wet; rain water from his head and clothes drip down.)

"Andesheng xiansheng, wanshang hao," shimisi shuo. ("Anderson mister, night good," Smith said.)

"Ni xihuan wo dui zheli zuodao de gaibian ma?" ("You like I to here do changes, huh?")

"Jinwan, dou hui jieshu le." ("Tonight, everything will end," Neo said.)

Ta de hua shi shimisi shengqi. (His words made Smith angry.)

Shimisi xiang niou pao. Niou xiang shimisi yiyang pao. (Smith towards Neo run, Neo also towards Smith same run.)

Tamen jiu huxiang dajia le. (They then mutual fight already.)

Liangren zhangtou feilaifeiqu. (Two people's fists fly here fly there.)

Bujiu, tamen yiqi feishang tian qu, jixu zai kongzhong zhandou. (Not long, they together fly up sky go, continue in air fight.)

Da ah, da ah, zuihou liangren dao xialai le. (Hit ah, hit ah, right end two people fall down already.)

Shimisi zhanqilai, liangyan dengzhe yangwo zai dishang de niou, jixu jiang henduo shenao de yingyuzi. (Smith stand up, two eyes glare at lying on ground Neo, continue say very many profound English words.)

Ta wen niou weishenme ta jianchi. (He ask Neo why he want persist.)

Niou shuo shi yinwei nashi ta ziji de jueding. (Neo say is because that is his own choice.)

Tamen jiu yu dajia le. (They then again fight.)

Aiya, weishenme zhege dianying doushi yizhi dajiadajia ah? (----, why this movie all is straight fight fight ah?)

Wo zhi tongyi lai kan yinwei wode nupengyou xihuan nage yanyuan, danshi nikan, ta yijin shuijiao le. (I only agree come watch because my girlfriend like that actor, but you see, she already sleeping.

Wo gaosu ta: "Ni yinyu ting budong, daodi weishenme yao kan yinyu dianying?" (I told her: "You English listen no understand, on earth why want watch English movie?")

Danshi ta haiyao lai. (But she still want come.)

Bendan. (Idiot.)

Langfeile wo yiwan de shijian. (Waste already my one night's time.)

Tayao shuijiao, jiu shuijiao la. Wo yao huijia le. (She want sleep, then sleep lah. I want go home already.)

end.

XXX

The Kenselton Hotel, fourth floor.

One thing about dreams is that they very rarely come true, and it was because of this that Ted Logan decided it wouldn't do him much harm to pay a little visit to John next door. Besides, Neo had finally managed to get past the first level of Path of Neo, and was busy enjoying the change of screen scenery.

Ted should have seen the fact that John had a room all to himself as a warning; John's original roommate had decided he couldn't take it any longer, and had scarpered off to another room on the fourth floor.

When Ted opened the door, John was sitting in a chair, smoking - of the cigarette kind, not the burning kind - and glaring intensely at the floor.

"How's it goin', dude?" Ted greeted cheerfully. He gave a friendly smile.

Friendly smiles do not work on John Constantine.

(Admittedly, this was partly due to the fact that he was staring at the floor, but even if he had been looking up, it still wouldn't have worked anyway.)

"Can you play guitar, dude?" Ted asked.

John went on smoking.

"Can you dance really, really well?" Ted asked.

At this, John finally looked up and gave Ted a look that very plainly said: "Do I look like the dancing type?"

Ted gave up hope of conversation and went to poke around the kitchen area, wondering if there were potato chips or pancake batter around.

Ted was searching behind the plates when John suddenly spoke, startling the teen and causing all the plates to fall and break harmoniously on the floor.

"You've been here before?" John asked, then cast a disparaging glance at the broken plates.

"Yeah. Me and Neo got zapped here last year, but we got rescued. Sorry about the plates, dude."

John Constantine couldn't care less about the plates. "Who rescued you?"

"Doctor Emmett Brown. He's this old scientist dude with a time machine." Ted grinned.

John raised an eyebrow. "Emmett Brown? The Back to the Future guy?"

"Yeah."

John stuck his cigarette back into his mouth and fiddled with his wrist tag. 206/005/CON.

"Marty McFly was with us," Ted continued, trying to tip-toe round the plate pieces, then giving up and simply walking over them. "I knew him from band competitions."

"Is there any other way we can get out of this place?"

"I don't know, dude."

TO BE CONTINUED...

XXX

From a reviewer: 206 989 LOG bill and teds excelent adventure made in 1989(989)was rated #206 (206) on the everyones a critic top 100 movies and theodore logan (LOG).

Close. The second two parts are correct, namely the year and the surname. But, uh, the origin of 206 isn't that obscure... it's a lot more obvious, actually. I've never even heard of the Everyone's a Critic thing...

If any of you figure out the first three numbers, give me Luke Skywalker's serial number as proof that you've got it. ;)