Disclaimer: I don't own The Matrix trilogy or Pokemon or about any other movie. The Kenselton Hotel and its concept are my creation. The Keanu Reeves Fight Song was inspired by the LiveJournal community keanucult; music and lyrics are by me and my brother, written in honour of Keanu Charles Reeves' 42nd birthday on 2nd September 2006. No stealing please. 42 is the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything.
I haven't played Pokemon in a while, so bits of this may not be very accurate... forgive me. Anyway, this is the longest chapter so far...
MATRIX REVOLUTIONS - The Pokemon Version
VIRUS wants to fight!
VIRUS sends out SMITH!
NEO, I choose you!
SMITH does KARATE CHOP!
It's not very effective...
NEO does MEGA-PUNCH!
It's super effective!
SMITh does HARDEN!
SMITH's defence increased!
NEO does FLY ATTACK!
It's not very effective...
SMITH uses EYEBROWS OF DOOM!
NEO is paralysed! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!
SMITH does TACKLE!
NEO is paralysed and cannot attack!
SMITH does KARATE CHOP!
It's super effective!
SMITH uses CORNY POKEMON FIGHT MUSIC!
NEO is poisoned!
NEO uses ANTIDOTE!
SMITH does KARATE CHOP!
SMITH's attack missed!
NEO uses THE KEANU REEVES FIGHT SONG!
xxx
THE KEANU REEVES FIGHT SONG - Music and Lyrics by Anakin McFly and Jake Skywalker
CHORUS:
This is the Keanu (X3)
Fight song
This is the Keanu (X3)
Fight song!
(Instrumental)
He crashed into a mountain
And he ruptured his spleen
Something happened to his left ankle
And his right leg too
Got arrested for drunk driving
He believes in spontaneous combustion
This is the Keanu
Fight song
CHORUS
Well, he's not that good an actor
But he's got the KC-factor
What's more, he's the only actor
With a fight song
He was brought up in ol' Canada
Just north of North America
And he's the only guy there
With a fight song
(Instrumental)
He has a lot of motorbikes
I guess that he likes motorbikes
But even KC's bikes don't have a
Fight song
A computer, KC does not have
Just wait till Neo hears of that
I bet Neo would also want
A fight song
CHORUS
(Instrumental)
And now, KC is forty-two
Like in that book, H2G2
Though Douglas Adams didn't have
A fight song
And soon he will be dead and gone
And KC will be known as late
And from his grave will resonate
His fight song
FINAL CHORUS
xxx
NEO's attack increases!
SMITH uses LONG PROFOUND SPEECH!
NEO falls asleep!
SMITH does TACKLE!
NEO wakes! NEO uses NO SPELL-CHECK!
SMITH's TACKLE turns into a CACKLE!
It's not very effective...
NEO does MEGA-PUNCH!
It's super-effective!
SMITH does TAKEOVER!
NEO starts to turn into a SMITH!
Oh no! Why is this happening?
NEO uses RESIST!
SMITH's attack is foiled!
NEO does COOL SHINY GOLDEN EXPLOSION THING!
It's super effective!
SMITH blows up!
SMITH has fainted!
VIRUS sends out ELROND!
Will ANAKIN MCFLY change Pokemon?
No.
ELROND does POINTY EARS WIGGLE!
NEO is dead and cannot attack!
ELROND uses RULEBOOK!
Oh no, it says that you are not allowed to use dead Pokemon to fight!
Okay, fine, I'll change it.
Go TED!
TED does AIR GUITAR!
ELROND is deafened!
ELROND uses HEARING AID!
Oh no, it won't fit over his Elven ears!
TED uses GUITAR WHACK!
ELROND is paralysed! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!
VIRUS sends out CONSTANTINE!
Will ANAKIN MCFLY change Pokemon?
I said no.
CONSTANTINE uses DRAGON'S BREATH!
It's super effective!
TED does HAPPY SMILE!
CONSTANTINE is traumatised! He may or may not be able to attack the next turn!
TED does SINGING!
CONSTANTINE is deafened!
CONSTANTINE uses HEARING AID!
Oh no, it is of Elven make and won't fit over his human ears!
TED uses TACKLE!
TED's attack missed!
CONSTANTINE does SMOKING!
CONSTANTINE gets LUNG CANCER!
Well, that wasn't too smart of him, was it?
TED uses TIME TRAVEl!
CONSTANTINE is ERASED FROM EXISTENCE!
VIRUS sends out JACK!
JACK does SPEEDING BUS!
It's super effective!
TED is flattened!
Go MOUNTAIN!
MOUNTAIN does SPLEEN RUPTURE!
Oh no, JACK's spleen gets ruptured!
JACK does SCREAM OF AGONY!
It's not very effective...
MOUNTAIN does HARDEN!
MOUNTAIN's defence increased!
JACK does BUS BOMB!
It's super effective!
MOUNTAIN crumbles and faints!
ANAKIN MCFLY does OH-CRAP-I'M-OUT-OF-POKEMON!
ANAKIN MCFLY whited out!
-end-
xxx
The Kenselton Hotel, 4th Floor
It wasn't very long before Neo decided that trying to continue the game wasn't going to be a very good use of time. He took out the Path of Neo disc and kept it, then turned off the X-Box and unplugged it.
Neo carried up the X-Box and left to return it to the supply room at the end of the corridor. He was pinned momentarily against the wall as Will Turner ran out from the stairwell door, hotly pursued by Legolas demanding that Will return his shampoo right now. They disappeared out the stairwell door at the other end of the corridor, and before it closed Neo heard voices floating out of it:
"Here you go, Jack. Rum."
"I believe that that is my shampoo, not some alcoholic beverage!"
"It... it doesn't taste like rum..."
"Yes, but it looks like rum, see?"
Then the door closed fully and Neo heard no more.
The supply room was functionally rectangular-shaped and lit with a warm orange light. Inside was stocked several boxes of food and other supplies. Near the doorway lay a crate of...
"Watch out for the rum," someone advised Neo as he entered the room. "Someone snicked the 8th floor's supply. Want some?"
Neo shook his head, closed the door, and returned the X-Box to the place from whence it came.
There were four others in the room: the one who had warned Neo about the rum, one watching television, one asleep on the couch, and a young fellow sitting on the table and munching on cornflakes.
The rum guy - whom we shall call Tim for ease of reference, although his real name very probably isn't Tim - took another gulp of rum. "Want some rum with that?" he asked the cornflakes guy. "We've got plenty of rum here."
The cornflakes guy looked blankly at him, then went on eating.
"That's the cornflakes guy," Tim informed Neo. "He doesn't talk. Just came in several hours ago. He likes cornflakes," Tom added redundantly.
Neo looked at the cornflakes guy. The cornflakes guy looked back at him questionningly. Neo reached out a hand and slowly pulled the cornflakes bowl towards him. The cornflakes guy watched it for a moment, then something seemed to click in his head. With a yell of anguish, he yanked the bowl out of Neo's hands and held it close to himself, his breaths coming quick and shallow as he stared at Neo with hurt bewilderment in his eyes.
"Don't do that!" Tim said to Neo. "The last time someone tried to take his cornflakes, he cried."
Tears were already starting to form in the eyes of the cornflakes guy. Tim patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. "It's okay," he said. "I won't let anyone do that again."
The cornflakes guy put his head on the table and wept, arms cradled protectively around the cornflakes bowl. Round his wrist the tag read: 206/986/---.
Now I've seen it all, Neo thought, massively weirded out and feeling more than a little uncomfortable.
Loud bangs and shouts came through the wall from the next room.
"What's that noise?" Neo asked.
"Don't mind him," Tim said. "Apparently his name is Hamlet. He started spouting Shakespeare, so they locked him in a closet."
"Whoa."
"You can say that again."
Neo wandered over to the television, which was showing The Return of the King. There is no significance or symbolism whatsoever in that choice of movie; I just asked my brother to name me one, and that's what he gave me.
Neo sat down on the couch and watched the movie for a while. Tim drank more rum. Being filled with alcohol was about the only way he could cope with this place.
Meanwhile on the eighth floor, Jack Sparrow - 136/003/SPA - went into the supply room looking considerably distraught.
"But why is the rum gone!" he asked, an empty Elven shampoo bottle in his hand and bubbles coming out of his mouth.
"The Keanu-spawn stole it," he was duly informed.
TO BE CONTINUED.
Ack my left wrist and arm hurts from typing and feels weird.
As a side note, I don't like Orlando Bloom. That's why I feel sorry for his characters.
To see the cornflakes guy, go to Youtube and typed 'keanu corn flakes' in the search bar. That will give you a very poor quality version of the cornflakes ad. Alternatively, just type in 'keanu' and do some scrolling until you find a better quality one.
Uh, and can you give suggestions as to whom Tim may be, based on what little characterisation there is in this chapter? I haven't watched enough Keanu Reeves films to know of any of his characters who behaves like that.
Review time!
