I don't own The Matrix franchise, nor do I own the iambic-pentameter-mad-skillz of Bill (where's Ted?) Shakespeare.
A Shakespeare version was suggested by sugar-high pixie. Thanksies.
MATRIX REVOLUTIONS: THE SHAKESPEARE VERSION
Act V Scene V
NEO:
And now stand I on this dark and wet day,
Awaiting my foe to deal me my fate.
Perchance I shall be victor; yet perhaps
The hands of Time hath other plans in mind
Such I will accept as my destiny
The whole of Zion puts their faith in me.
SMITH:
Observe this storm: see, the rain and dark clouds
This world is mine to keep; challenge me not.
I have since seen into the future time
Through the eyes of the once great Oracle
Who, a pity, is now gone. But no - hush!
She lives still. Each thought of hers in my mind
Her powers mine. To use, to own, to see.
Stand down, Anderson, this battle is mine
Throw not your futile strength against my might.
NEO:
You do well to talk, stretching your discourse
Into poor mock'ry of one late William
Sooth, I do the same; but hypocrisy
Is one of the forty-two great virtues.
Put your fists where your tongue is, man, and fight.
Smith sticks his fingers into his mouth.
NEO:
Alas, poor fool. Figuratively, idiot.
They fight. Neo gets in a punch, and Smith falls.
NEO:
lulz noob
Smith gets up, and they continue fighting.
SMITH:
(aside)
Look at all the mes watching us battle!
They continue fighting. Smith punches Neo. Neo punches Smith. They fly up into the dark and stormy sky and have a pretty aerial battle. They land, creating a crater in the ground. Smith punches Neo. Neo falls.
SMITH:
Give up, give up, I say. For what, fight you?
Your efforts are vain, their fruits but little.
Many fight for survival. But I see
That more than self-interest motivates thee.
'Tis love, perhaps? For a woman? A man?
Speak; you are a quiet adversary.
NEO:
Hear this: I fight not for riches or gain
Or any self-fulfilling want of man
I fight not for love. I fight not for hate
There is but one reason that stirs my soul
To this end. I fight because I choose to.
SMITH:
A foolish choice.
NEO:
It ends tonight.
SMITH:
Those words were meant for utt'rance at the start.
Neo ignores him, gets up, and the fight continues in the crater. Smith rises into the air and looks evil.
SMITH:
THIS IS MY WORLD! MY WORLD!
Neo gets blasted back against the crater wall. Smith lands and looks at him.
SMITH:
(aside)
Ah, but what is this, what is this I see?
Marry, mine eyes hath beheld this before.
Anderson, fallen hero lying there
Whilst I enjoy my victory o'er him.
But look! defiance shineth in his eyes
This stubborness, it looketh bad on him.
(to Neo)
This scene I remember. The end is now.
For all things that begin must one day pass.
All life is but a play; your part in it
Now concluded. Fare thee well, Anderson.
Neo inches himself off the ground and gets shakily to his feet. He approaches Smith, looking hungry.
SMITH:
No, fiend. Halt! Your time is up. Move no more.
Why do you yet attempt to come near me?
NEO:
As always, you are right. All that starts, ends.
Smith sticks his hand into Neo. Gooey black stuff comes out and covers him, turning Neo not into a Smithpet, but into just another boring ol' Smith clone thing.
Nothing much very interesting is going to happen now, apart from a lot of exploding people. We can now depart from them, and cut to a cemetery somewhere in England.
One of the graves look recently disturbed, as if someone buried beneath had just done a fair bit of rolling over. Above it, the tombstone marks the spot and gives the name of the deceased: William Shakespeare.
the end.
(...If Keanu ever reads this, he'll come after my head with a sledgehammer. He adores Shakespeare. Alternatively, maybe he'll just ring up Hugo and get together somewhere to do an enactment of this scene... I can dream.)
x x x x
Kenselton Hotel, fourth floor
Static. A beep, and we see a pretty nice view of a wall. A small red dot, followed by the letters 'REC', adorn the upper-right hand corner of the screen.
"Awright!" says the teenage cameraman-cum-narrator, an unidentified Keanu-spawn who may or may not be Stereo Teen #1. Not that it matters, because we won't be seeing much of him apart from what gets in the way of the camera.
"Welcome to the fourth floor of Kenselton Hotel. It starts out over there, see -"
The camera swings to show us one end of the corridor.
"-the stairs are that way, and there are more stairs that way." The camera swings around in a nausea-inducing manner. "If you go up the stairs to the eighth floor, you can find some really great rum."
The camera settles somewhat, and moves along the corridor with the cameraman. Left turn. A hand appears and pushes open the first door on that side of the corridor. We enter the room.
"That's Bob." The camera focuses on Bob Arctor, sitting on the bed and staring blankly off into space. "He doesn't say anything much. So we put him in here. Everyone else complains about the noise from the stairwell."
We leave the room. The door closes, and the camera turns to the one next to it.
"And that's Julian in there. He's our resident doctor, but most of the time he's asleep. He's probably just pretending 'cause he's sick of people pestering him for first aid. Sometimes the rum raids get nasty, see. And..."
A door opens, and out come Neo, Ted and Alex, fresh from the previous chapter, the latter two still munching on popcorn.
(Neo doesn't get any popcorn. That's what you get from trying to hack into Keanu Reeves' bank account - you don't get any popcorn.)
"Hey, popcorn! Can I have s..."
The camera pans down slightly and then goes blank. When the picture comes back on a second later, the amount of popcorn in the bowl is significantly less than before.
"Okay, where was I..."
John Constantine stalks past carrying the deactivated lightsaber in his left hand and looking generally mad at the world. He gives the camera the finger as he passes, not turning his head.
The camera points towards another door.
"That's where we lock up the crazy ones: Barksdale, Griffin, the Shakespeare guys... There was a lot of noise in there this morning; sounded like gunshots, but it's awfully quiet in there now. Let's go take a look..."
A hand appears and unlocks the door. It pushes the door open.
For a moment we see an empty room... then suddenly loud noises erupt, the camera gets knocked around, yells and screams are heard, AND THE SCREEN GOES BLANK.
end of transmission.
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