So this chapter is hella long haha, but I hope you like it! This is just one of the chapters that brings to life the depth of their relationship. So enjoy, and leave me a review/comment please! Love you guys!
Chapter 5
Regina had been going to see this doctor for about a month now. Regina had told the doctor practically everything about her, holding nothing back as the brunette wanted to be out of there as soon as possible. She understood why we had doctors like these, and never once doubted the impact mental illnesses or even grief had on other's lives. She just didn't like talking about her life with a stranger or really anyone really. The last person she opened up to was Emma, and that ended the way she had feared and expected, not the way she had hoped. So she didn't tell the doctor about her blonde lover, instead tried to play out her story without her in it, it became a lot less happy and more depressing. Her life seemed a emptier without the blonde in her story. That girl was her joy for a year, it doesn't seem like much time, but when you find your soul mate, a year can seem like a lifetime.
"Regina, I can tell you're holding something back this isn't the entire story. Now, I can help you, but not if you keep me in the dark," Dr. Cassidy explained.
She fought it. Everything in her instincts was telling her not to open this particular story up. She didn't want anyone to know about the blonde and how Regina had torn her heart out. She wasn't exactly what she was more afraid of, that the doctor would judge her or she'd realized she had never gotten over Emma, and reliving all of these memories would just make it worse. She knew which one was her answer. She knew she had missed the blonde terribly and this whole time she was telling herself it was for the best, and she was right. It was the best decision she could've made for Emma, but it was also the most painful decision she had made for the both of them.
However, she had never heard feedback from anyone else besides Mal who was all more than devastated that they had ended. Mal despised Robin and all she wanted was to see the brunette happy, and she saw that the blonde was her happiness. She had held Regina on those nights when she was missing Emma so badly she couldn't breathe. She soothed her through every night of sleeplessness and feelings of turmoil. She had known that Regina had made the right decision, ultimately setting the blonde free so she could make her own life in this world, without basing it on her, but she still was in disbelief that it had actually happened.
She knew she didn't have to justify her life choices to anyone, nor did she give a damn about what they had to say. She found out a long time ago, that people are going to judge you no matter what, you might as well let them judge you for who you are. So through that thinking process and gritted teeth, he lips began to quiver and her eyes began to water as she simply stated, "I loved her. I loved more than I could've ever realized."
Smiling, assuming he had finally gotten the truth out of her, "Who Regina? Who did you love?"
"Emma Swan."
The day started as any other day. Regina woke up, had breakfast, got ready, and was out the door. The day seemed to go by pretty quickly. It was soon 4th block and as the students filed in and went to their seats, she was waiting for one student in particular. The one student that made her day seem so much brighter, the girl with the coffee and the smile, the girl that could only be known to her as Miss Swan. But as she waited and waiting, the blonde never showed.
Regina started to panic as Emma never misses school, at least not her class. She gave the girls and boys a writing prompt and excused herself to her desk. A voice over the intercom asked for Mrs. Mills. She replied with a yes and they said that Mr. Gold wanted to speak with her. So she excused herself, told her students to behave, and left. She started walking towards the office scared to death. Her feet finally stopped in front of the Dean's door and she twisted the door handle, and made her way inside the office.
"Mrs. Mills please come in and take a seat."
Regina obliged and took a seat next to someone she didn't recognize as they were wearing a heavy jacket and hood over their face.
"Leroy was about to close up gym when he saw her walking around the halls. He was just going to send her to the office for trying to skip, and then he saw her face."
Regina looked confused. She sat there wondering what in the world this had to do with her and who the hell was under that hood. She leaned in towards the girl, asked if she could see what Mr. Gold was talking about. The girl hesitated, and then reluctantly pulled the hood off of her head. Regina gasped as she did in fact recognize the girl. It was Emma. Although now, Emma had what looked like a broken nose, a black eye, and a busted lip. Her face was bruised and her spirit was broken. There was no smile there anymore.
"Emma what the hell?"
"Language Mrs. Mills," Mr. Gold stated.
"I'm sorry I just, Miss. Swan what happened?"
Silence. Emma didn't say a word, but a small tear leaked out of her left eye and it was all Regina could do not to start crying for her.
"Perhaps if we talked alone somewhere," She suggested to Mr. Gold who agreed on spot. If it had anything to do with drama or cat fights or boys, the Dean wanted no part of it. However Regina knew Emma. Emma wouldn't have got caught up in that. So both the women stood up, Regina wrapped an arm around her and they began walking.
Regina took her to the teacher's lounge, it was empty this time of day because either the teachers were done for the day and left, or this was their last class and then they were leaving. Neither one of them speaking until Regina closed the door and locked it.
"Please stop staring," Emma begged her.
"Emma how can I? You've been hurt and I know you, this isn't you.. I can help you I can protect you, but not if you keep me in the dark," Regina replied.
The blonde shook her head for a moment. For a while she didn't say anything. All Regina wanted to do was hug the poor girl and let her know she was okay.
"I came out to my parents," Emma finally said.
"Okay, came out where like what do you mean I don't understand."
Emma smiled and briefly laughed at the brunette who was still sitting over there looking confused.
"Came out of the closet Regina, I'm bisexual."
"Oh..oh wow…That was incredibly brave Emma, what happened after that?"
"This. This is what happened," Emma barely choked out as she pointed to her face.
"WHAT you mean they beat you for being yourself?"
"Not my mom, she just yelled, but my dad, he did this"
"I don't understand where was Killian? Where was August?"
"They were at a basketball game and then stayed the night over at a buddy's house. They don't know anything about this. They don't know that he beat me and they don't know they kicked me out of the house."
"They did what? Emma why didn't you call me?"
"I didn't have your number…I didn't think that would be okay, one of your students calling in the middle of the night because her parents thought hell was going to freeze over because their daughter likes girls."
"Emma, I will always be here for you. Day or night, now where are you staying at now?"
"My car."
"What?"
"Regina I don't have money for a place right now, I am just staying in my car until I can get on my feet. I'll be fine really."
Regina was not listening. By the time Emma had looked up, Regina had already gotten into her purse and dug out her checkbook."
"What the hell are you doing?"
"What the hell does it look like I'm doing Swan I'm writing you a check."
"No you're not Mrs. Mills I'm not your responsibility."
"That's true, but the people that chose to put you in their care aren't living up to their end of the bargain of loving you and protecting you, so I am. And so help me, you will let me if you don't want either one of them to get a broken nose."
Emma stood frozen. She had never seen her this upset before. It wasn't exactly anger either, it was pure rage. She was protective and Emma thought that was sweet. No one had ever really protected her before. Her brothers did, but mainly from guys, they had never threatened to punch someone for her before. She was about to get lost in her thoughts when she heard the sound of the check getting ripped out of the checkbook and handed to her.
"THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS ARE YOU INSANE?" Emma asked while trying to hand it back to the brunette.
"No but YOU ARE if you think you're not keeping it!"
"Regina I can't. This is too much, I can't pay all of this back."
"No, you can't pay any of it back. I owe you like 20 coffees anyway. Say we call it even."
"That would be about 80 bucks…not 3000."
"Inflation darling."
"Even with inflation and taxes, I don't think a coffee is going to cost $150."
"So I suck at math," Regina smiled but then got serious, "This will probably cover three months worth of rent, food, and utilities. If you need anything else just call me, I wrote my number down on the backside of the check."
"Regina, how can I even begin to thank you? I don't even know what I did to deserve this, but thank you so much, you have no idea. Just, thank you."
"You don't have to deserve something to be treated like a decent human being. You deserve love and happiness and everything good in the world. I may not can give it all to you, but I'm here to help in anyway I can."
Emma couldn't hold it back any longer and lunged forward to hug the woman. Regina hugged her back and they just sat there as the blonde began to sob. She had never had a best friend before, but if she knew anything about them, this would be the definition. Regina was so heartless and dropped everything to help her. This entire time people were calling Emma a worthless cause. That's all she'd heard all her life. That she would never make it on her own and couldn't achieve anything because of her background. All these thoughts were eating at her until she couldn't take it anymore and whispered in the older woman's hair, "Please, please tell me I'm not a lost cause."
"Emma Swan, you are anything but a lost cause. You are bright and creative. You are so intelligent you could surpass any test. You are my cause of laughter every time I see you. You are going to achieve anything you put your mind to, I have no doubt of that. Your background has absolutely effect on your future and where you're going to go."
With that, Regina let go of Emma, stood up, then helped the blonde to her feet.
"Now, let's go, you're staying with me tonight"
Emma smiled and was about to thank Regina again when she turned, looked at Emma and said, "Oh, and Miss Swan,"
"Yes Regina?"
"If someone EVER hurts you again, and I have to find out by Mr. Gold, I'm kicking your ass."
Emma busted out laughing and began following her out the door, "Yes ma'am."
The two of them carried their belongings to Regina's car, and they rode together back to the Mills Mansion, as Emma had heard it referred as. On the way over there, the two played games and talked and laughed. Most importantly,, Emma caught the glances the teacher was giving her, looking her up and down, not in a lustful way, more as someone would do to their lover when they were sick. She was looking to see if she was truly alright and if she needed to do anything. As Emma felt her eyes graze over her, she just wanted her to relax and know she was fine now, and also have the woman watch where she was going. Without thinking, without hesitating, Emma grabbed the older woman's hand, placed it over her heart and said, "Look see, it still works, I'm fine."
Regina smiled, almost looking embarrassed that she had been caught studying the woman. Emma gently sat her hand back down, but when she tried to let go, Regina turned their hands over and intertwined her fingers. She didn't know what had come over her, but she knew at that moment, this was more than a friendship. She cared for Emma more than just her student, more than anyone she had cared for in her life. Emma glanced down at their hands, then back up at Regina, who refused to look at her for fear or rejection. Regina just kept facing forward watching where she was going. As Emma sat back in her seat, relaxing and taking a deep breath, feeling safe. Something she had not felt in a long time.
"Are you sure this is okay?"
"Miss Swan, I already told you it was okay. In fact, I already told you that I already told you it was okay."
"Okay but how do I know you're really okay with this and not just being a good person?"
"Miss Swan, do I seem like the type of person who hides her personal feelings?"
"Uh, yes."
"Okay, that's fair."
:But do I keep my feelings from you, Miss Swan."
"Not from what I've seen."
"Exactly, so you should know that it's more than okay for you to be here."
Regina handed her a glass of her famous apple cider and motioned for the living room. They both took their glasses and made their way down the hall, sat down on the couch, and put their glass on the end table beside them.
"So, where's your husband?"
"He's a truck driver, I rarely see him. He'll be back next Tuesday."
"So you're by yourself a lot then?"
"Believe it or not Miss Swan, you're not the only one who knows what lonely feels like."
Emma didn't know what to say. She was never married, really she didn't think of herself as the marrying type, so she wasn't sure if that was a normal routine for spouses. To take off and leave the other one behind, sure she understood that he had to work, and she could respect him for that. However, Regina seemed okay with the absence, as if she was either used to it or it just didn't matter to her anymore. She doesn't understand how anyone could spend any time apart from this woman. Her hair, her smile, her body, her heart: just some of the reasons to make someone stay. It's rare you find someone with all her qualities and them still be a decent human. But Regina, she was a beautiful creature. One that didn't deserve to be home alone on a Friday night.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Don't be, it's alright."
They smiled slightly at each other, both reaching for the apple cider and tasting it. What Regina wasn't telling her, was that, she's still lonely when Robin was there. Emma didn't know about Regina's past, how she had gotten here, and why she had gotten married. To Emma, it probably seems as though it was convenient and if she was honest with herself, it was. She had gotten pregnant, and instead of raising the child by herself or even by co-parenting, she wanted her child with a mother and father, so they got married. Long story short, she lost her child, but she still was married. They were never the same after that. Regina cared deeply for Robin, but was never in love with him. She never wanted to call just to see how his day was going, never wondered if he was thinking about her, in fact, she didn't mind spending time away from him while he was gone, she actually encouraged it. She wasn't as much as a bitch as she sounded, she made her mistakes and she owned up to them, but they weren't soul mates. Robin doesn't know her most secret desires; he doesn't know she would like to travel around the world, he doesn't know she almost wants to learn a new language, he didn't know her, not anymore.
"Thank you again, for everything you did for me. I don't think I'll ever be able to show you how much I appreciate it. I know I don't deserve it, but seriously, thank you."
Regina looked at her like she was a lost puppy. She was confused about how someone so beautiful and talented could ever think that she didn't deserve something. She couldn't comprehend someone not wanting Emma simply because she was being honest with herself. She wasn't sure when it happened. She wasn't sure why she did it, but she found herself putting her hand on the blonde's thigh, and when Emma looked up all she could say was, "Emma, What I did was nothing compared to the happiness you deserve. I hope one day you find it."
Emma smiled and blushed slightly. As Regina moved her hand, she handed Emma the remote to her television and instructed her to choose whatever she wished. Emma settled on a popular show, one that wasn't too immature, but also had some good story plots and humor. She hated she was trying to impress her teacher. She hated that she wanted to kiss her even though she was married. She hated all these feelings inside her, feelings she had never had before.
The doctor looked genuinely shocked. He had figured by just they way she had talked about her marriage, that she had never truly loved him. There was no emotion behind her eyes or voice. He didn't expect her to have loved a woman, but he didn't judge. He questioned the age difference and what they meant to her, Regina had simply stated that they never noticed they were different when they were together. He began to question so many things about the blonde and herself. Asking about her background, where she came from, how they met, and how they ended.
Regina began answering the questions, which surprised her because this was truly her personal story, and as painful and bumpy as it was, it was also raw. Besides Mal, no one else had ever known about the girl. Not that she was embarrassed of her, she would wear her face on a t-shirt if that would've been acceptable. The point was, this girl was her first. Her first girl on girl experience, her first teacher/student relationship, Emma Swan was Regina's first true love, and what ever came along with that.
"So, you think you made a mistake by letting her go?"
"No, I think that was the best decision I could've made for her. I don't regret giving her her best chance."
"Then what do you regret?"
"Not being her best chance. Not being the woman, the lover, the person she needed me to be."
"It sounds like you always had her best interest at heart, what makes you think you weren't enough?"
"Sometimes I wonder if I truly let her go to protect her or protect myself."
"What do you mean by that, were you scared someone would find out?"
"You would think that, but no, I didn't care who knew, I was afraid it would end, terrified. I knew I would be this broken shell of a woman without her, much like I am now."
"Do you think it was worth it? The relationship?"
"I never truly loved anyone, until Emma. I never knew someone could be so infatuated with someone until I was without her. I didn't know you could feel intimacy just by being close to someone you loved, so yes, knowing her, loving her, it was all worth it."
