Petunia should be here by now, Lily thought, looking up at the clock. She clutched her mother's hand. There was still some warmth in her. She wasn't gone. Not yet. She was only resting for the moment.
Lily called Petunia after their mother had the accident. She'd fallen down the stairs at home. She broke a leg, among other more minor injuries. At the hospital they also diagnosed her with a chest infection and gave her some antibiotics. After a few days it was clear that something wasn't right. She couldn't breathe and she seemed… wrong… off.
Another trip to the hospital and they had looked at her again. She had the flu, swine flu in particular and she had pneumonia. It wasn't good. Petunia was flying out but her flight had been delayed. Lily didn't want her to not be here. She didn't really want to see her sister but she wanted her to be there… before…
The doctors were doing what they could but things had gotten too bad too quickly. If only they'd known faster. If only Lily'd known faster…
She knew her mother would never allow her to blame herself for what had happened. But she'd been there. She'd had concerns.
I just need to lay down, honey.
Mom, you seem weak. We should go back to the-
I'm not going back to the doctor. I just need some rest.
Lily wondered what she could have done. Should she have forced her? She's a grown up, for God's sake. These questions plagued her every waking hour, even though the answers didn't matter. They didn't change the reality. She wasn't going to make it.
It felt so stupid. So random. Her mother wasn't that old, barely middle aged in fact. She wasn't exactly in perfect physical condition but she wasn't especially unhealthy either. This was the sort of thing that happened to other people. Other people suffer tragedies. One parent dying before she was even twenty that was just a fluke but two? That was nature taking a stab at Lily Evans, seeing what she was made of.
Dammit, you're acting as if she's already gone. Show some respect, Lily.
Lily wiped a tear from her eye on her shirt sleeve. She wished Remus was there. She could ask him to come and he would but she knew he would be miserable and Remus wouldn't try to impose on his own. Sev had offered but she promised she would visit him later. Petunia hated Sev and the last thing she wanted was a scene when…
Stop it, Lily. She's not gone yet…
Her girlfriends were both out of town, on vacation. It was spring and people did things like that. They both offered to return but Lily couldn't bear it. This was her pain to carry.
The sound of heels clomping on the floor startled Lily and she turned around to find Petunia's long, thin form behind her, covered in a long, brown leather jacket. Her face was a mixture of discomfort and shock. She looked like she was trying very hard not to cry. On top of her blonde hair sat a small hat that she quickly removed and sat down with her purse on a chair.
"Tuney…" Lily said and stood up.
"Lily," Petunia said, her eyes fixed on their mother and not her.
Lily wrapped her arms around her sister and squeezed her, finding Petunia cold and stiff. Petunia instead lightly tapped Lily's shoulders, as if they were nothing more than casual acquaintances or distant cousins.
"How is Vernon?" Lily asked.
"Fine," Petunia said coldly then went and sat down where Lily had been sitting.
Lily frowned and pulled another chair over to her bedside.
"How long?" Petunia stated.
"They don't know. She's been fighting but… She's getting weak," Lily said.
Petunia cast Lily a dark gaze. It was accusatory. She didn't need to say what she was thinking. She probably would with time. Maybe she wouldn't say anything yet. She would wait until after the funeral before sending Lily long emails about how she let their mother die. She would call her a sinner and a pervert but she would make it all seem like she was being so nice. She was only trying to help her see the light. Lily only needed to start going to church and be a good completely heterosexual Christian and stop smoking so much pot.
Petunia turned her gaze away at last, Lily' face probably having revealed that the message had gotten across. Lily pulled out her phone, looking at her last conversation with Remus. She could ask him to come but she would feel so bad. She sighed and started typing.
Lily was in the waiting Remus when Remus arrived. He knew as soon as he saw her. Her face was red and puffy, just like it had been when…
"Remus," Lily said and started to sob, her arms reaching out to him as he dashed over and quickly held her tightly.
She felt so heavy, her weight surrendering to his strength as grief poured forth. Remus felt tangled up in knots, wanting to cry with her but not wanting to lay that responsibility at her feet. He could cry for her grief later, in private without giving her any sort of strange guilt.
As the day continued Lily never fully stopped crying. There were brief interludes, including several involving her sister, Petunia but the crying always resumed before long.
Losing both of one's parents at such a young age seemed a cruel fate. Lily didn't deserve it though Remus supposed no one really did. These things happened. Sometimes they happened to terrible people and sometimes they happened to someone like Lily whose smile was so bright it rivaled the sun.
By the time they had made it back to the apartment Lily seemed thoroughly drained. Remus made her soup and a cup of tea. Lily was a coffee drinker but he thought she could use a little comfort from some chamomile. He had anticipated advising her against getting stoned but she declared her own lack of interest in getting high.
"I could get high and make it go away but it would just come back. I can't let the pain chase me around," Lily said as she sipped her tea.
Remus only nodded. He had done a lot of nodding and replying in the affirmative that day. He felt foolish and inadequate for the task. He had no personal experience in grief. Remus wondered if life would be better if you spent your childhood preparing for the reality of death.
Good morning, class. Today's topic is 'Everyone you've ever known or ever will know is going to die.'
No, perhaps not like that. Don't rub their faces in it. Don't traumatize them. But don't hide it either. Use stories about grief to teach them how to handle grief.
Remus recalled the death of a teacher he'd considered quite cruel in Junior High. He was mean to the students. Not many liked him. But when he died they cried. Remus hadn't understood. He didn't want to celebrate his death but he didn't feel especially sad either. It was more strange than anything else.
The same couldn't be said for his feelings about Lily's mom. He liked Lily's mom. He'd liked her dad too. His death had been difficult as well. Somehow this was worse, though. Her father's passing seemed like it was barely last week.
Remus sat with Lily until midnight. She finally dismissed him. He told her that she should get some sleep but she declined. She had too much on her mind. Remus gave her a hug and departed for his room. In the dark and quiet of his bedroom he finally cried. He cried for Lily. He cried for her mom. And he cried a little bit for himself.
At a half hour past midnight someone knocked on the door. Lily knew it was Severus before she even answered. He stood there looking aggrieved and despondent. Lily invited him in.
"How are you?" Severus asked as he gave her a hug, whatever resentment he might be feeling for her never having called him seeming to evaporate.
"All right. I've been better," Lily answered honestly, still feeling hollow.
She wanted to say that it was late and she wanted to be alone. She had sent Remus away because she knew he would stick by her rather than take care of himself. There was no sense in dragging him down with her. But here was Severus, stepping in to take his place almost as if on cue.
"Sit down, if you like," Lily said.
Severus nodded and sat down on the couch. Lily plopped down and scooted over to him, laying her head on his shoulder. She could allow herself this comfort. She could let herself be vulnerable to him right now. Severus put an arm around her and squeezed her tightly. Lily exhaled with relief and closed her eyes. She could rest her eyes for just a moment.
Lily awoke in bed and looked at her clock. It was almost one in the afternoon.
"Fuck," Lily groaned, then stretched and yawned.
She didn't remember coming to bed. The last thing she recalled was laying next to Severus on the couch. She slid out of bed and wandered out of her bedroom. Severus was lying on the couch, scrolling through his phone. Dammit, she should've let Remus know Severus was there.
"Hey, Sev," Lily said.
"Hey," Severus said, giving her a smile.
"I don't remember what happened last night," she said, hoping Sev would fill her in.
"I let you sleep on my shoulder for awhile then I eventually nudged you awake and suggested you go to bed," Severus said.
"Oh. Thanks," Lily said and went to the bathroom.
She decided to take a shower, hoping the water would make her feel more prepared for the day. When she came out of the bathroom, wrapped in only a towel, she could smell food emanating from the kitchen. She glanced inside to see Severus at the stove.
"Thought you might like some breakfast. I've never made vegan pancakes but it didn't seem hard," Severus said.
"Aww thanks. Have you seen Remus, by the way?" Lily asked.
Severus frowned.
"He left earlier. Said he needed a walk to clear his head," Severus said.
Lily suspected Remus wouldn't come home until after she let him know Severus was gone. It wasn't convenient having two of her best friends not really get along. She hoped someday she would be able to remedy that.
"OK. I'm gonna get dressed," Lily said and dashed off to her bedroom.
While getting dressed she took the time to respond to texts. There would be a lot of arrangements to be made over the next few days. Petunia was doing her best to shut Lily out of the process. In a way, Lily didn't want to make any of these decisions but she also didn't want to be shut out.
She also texted Remus who just repeated that he wanted to go for a spring walk, reminding her that it was good for him to get out of the house. Lily wanted to give him some sort of promise that Severus would leave before long but she didn't want to make a promise that might not be kept.
Severus served the vegan pancakes with strawberries. He'd done well for his first time. Whatever else he might be, Severus Snape wasn't a bad cook.
"Thanks, Sev. That was delicious," Lily said, rubbing her now full belly.
"No problem. I just didn't think you should have to do it yourself after…" Severus trailed off.
It was times like this that justified why Lily continued to be Severus's friend even if he occasionally could be a bit too judgmental and superior. He was always there when she needed him.
"Sev…" Lily said, reaching across the table and placing her hands on his very pale ones.
"Yes?" Severus said with interest.
"I… I just wanted you to know… how much I value you… value your friendship. I'm sorry if I… keep you at arm's length sometimes. I know you say you don't have feelings for me but… I've just never wanted to lead you on or hurt you, you know?" Lily said, feeling her heart swell with compassion.
"Yeah. I mean… there's no denying that you are attractive. I would have to be blind or a fool not to feel some attraction," Severus said with a smile.
Therein lied the rub: Lily did feel some physical attraction to Severus. She had a desire to experience physical intimacy with him. She loved him as a friend but not romantically. Romance was poorly defined, she knew. There was no objective definition of romance but by her definition she didn't feel whatever it was towards Severus. And moreover she suspected that Sev would never be fully comfortable with who she was. That was a deal breaker if true.
"Thanks. You're not so bad yourself," Lily said, saying the words before she realized what has about to happen.
Severus almost seemed surprised.
"Really? You're not just messing with me?"
"Why would I do that?" Lily asked with a frown.
"I don't know. I guess… Well, let's say that people haven't always…"
Severus looked down. Lily's heart poured out for Severus. He'd had a hard time. He grew up in an abusive household. It was another part of why she cut him so much slack even if he could be an asshole. If she'd gone through what he had she thought she might be an asshole too, though she supposed there was no way of knowing. Mary would've pointed out that her home life had been terrible and she didn't come out like Severus at which point Lily would've changed the subject.
"You're cute and that's the truth. I don't care what other people have said," Lily said honestly.
Severus smiled and looked up. It was perhaps the most genuine smile she had ever seen on him. Severus avoided vulnerability, probably another product of how he grew up.
"Severus… do you want to come around here and kiss me?" Lily asked.
She knew that she was the vulnerable one right now and she knew that he knew it too. But surely it was OK if they both knew.
Severus answered by swiftly getting to his feet and coming around to her. Lily leaned up into his mouth, her lips gliding over his soft ones with ease. She made a pleased giggle and kissed him again, her body fluttering to life as her heart pounded.
"Let's-" she started as she stood up, his mouth still trying to find hers as they backed up into the living room.
Lily fell back against the couch and gestured up at him towards herself. Severus climbed on top of her, his mouth hungrily finding hers again. Severus was a surprisingly adept kisser. He kissed her with passion and desire. The sort of kisses that made her want do the very sorts of things she hoped they were about to do.
She knew he'd had girlfriends in the past, however briefly, and she supposed he must've got some practice in. He wasn't nervous or fumbling like other teenage boys she'd fooled around with. He was intense but careful. He was on top of her without pressing his weight down, the hardness of his erection poking the roundness of her soft belly through his jeans.
He wasn't moving faster than he should be. She'd made out with her fair share of guys and a lot of them had a tendency to spend more time fondling her chest than she felt was warranted. Severus's attention was on kissing her, his hands on her shoulders, drawing her up to his mouth.
A quiet war waged in the back of her mind, all of her fears about Severus trying to reach the surface. But she wanted this. She wanted the intimacy. She wanted the friction. She wanted to feel desired if only long enough to mask the hollow pain inside of her. Her girlfriends were both planning on making it back for the funeral that weekend and, after all, how often had she fantasized about what sort of lover Severus would be?
"Sev… can you promise me… Will you promise me that if we do this you won't expect anything from me?" Lily asked, placing her hands on the side of his thin, angular face with affection as he looked down at her.
"Of course. I swear," Sev said, crossing his heart with a finger.
"OK. Let's go the bedroom," Lily said.
Severus slid off and rushed over to her bedroom, waiting for her to open the door and let him in. She turned the blinds up so that light could come in without anyone walking by and seeing what they were doing. Lily wasn't ashamed so much as she didn't want to offend anyone who might not want to see.
Lily tossed her tee-shirt off and Severus's dark eyes explored her chest, looking away when she smiled at him.
"It's OK. You can look. We're about to bone," Lily said with a laugh, pulling off her shorts.
"I'm sure you're used to guys staring at them," Severus said.
"I'm used to pretty much everyone staring at them," Lily countered and stepped over to Sev.
She grabbed the bottom of his tee-shirt and quickly pulled it off. She kissed his cheek then down to his neck, letting him feel her warm breath as her lips hovered and she kissed down to his chest that was only faintly covered in dark hairs. Her tongue flicked at one of his pale pink nipples and he shuddered.
"Are you nervous now?" Lily asked, noticing he was breathing hard and unmoving.
"No. I'm just… I want you so much I'm afraid to let go," Severus said.
"Heh. That's all right," Lily said and leaned into his mouth, her hands sliding up and down his back, pulling him in close.
She pulled away and spoke softly in his ear: "So what do you want to do to me?"
Severus seemed frozen.
"Too overwhelmed? Well, I'll tell you what I'd like to do. I'd like to wrap my lips around your hard cock," Lily said, fondling him between his legs.
"Oh," Sev said as she squeezed.
Lily dropped to her knees, quickly unzipping and unbuttoning him, sliding his underwear down then wrapping her hand around his cock. She was surprised to see how bright red it seemed. She slowly stroked it, twisting her wrist in a smooth motion.
"Is that good?" Lily asked as the circle of her fingers glided up and down the head.
"Yes!" Severus moaned.
Lily wrapped her lips around the head and began to suck hard, hoping to impress him with how deep she could take him without gagging. Sev's breath was ragged as she sucked him. She got a special thrill from getting such reactions from Severus given how cool and collected he normally was. She wanted to hear him squeal before they were done.
"Lily you'll-" Severus started and she pulled her mouth off as his cock twitched.
"Whew," Severus said.
"Am I that good?" she asked sticking her tongue out.
"Yeah," he admitted.
Lily hopped on her bed, gesturing at him to come hither. Severus pulled his jeans off and approached the bed. Lily spread her legs before him, her fingers sliding over her vulva, feeling her own wet heat. Two fingers dragged over her clit and she moaned. Severus seemed transfixed as if he was watching the most interesting thing that had ever happened to anyone ever.
"Will you go down on me? Please," Lily said, her hips rocking slightly as her fingers continued to slide over her flesh.
"Yes," Severus breathed and dropped onto the bed.
He immediately dove between her thighs to her surprise. His tongue lapped at her hole, worrying her for almost a moment that he was finding her clitoris elusive, no matter how swollen it was at the moment.
"You taste so good," Severus said as he then flicked his tongue over her clit, making her shake and moan.
Her fears were quickly assuaged as Severus lapped at her clit like it was the only thing in the world that mattered. He had little trouble bringing her to a rather potent climax. He offered another but she'd had enough of the empty ache inside of her.
"Fuck me," she said as Severus kissed her, her own tartness all over his mouth.
"I don't want to hurt you," Severus said.
"There's lube and I'm pretty horny right now. I wouldn't worry," Lily said.
"Yeah, I guess… I just mean…" Severus said glancing between his legs.
Severus seemed to be implying that he had an expectation that she would be intimidated by his size but personally she thought he seemed quite average. It wasn't really something she was worried about either way but she decided to move on and get out a condom and the lube. Both were applied in short order.
Severus took it slow which she appreciated but at the moment she was just ready to go.
"It's OK. Really. Just fuck me," Lily said
Severus still looked skeptical but he pushed, sliding all the way in as Lily moaned. She kissed him as he slowly thrust. His thrusts were long and deep, giving her the pleasure of the relief that came from being stretched and filled in repeated vivid detail. His face was intense and enthralled. He was disappearing in the moment, lost in eroticism.
"Oh, that's good Sev. Just like that," Lily said, biting her bottom lip.
Severus arched his back, lifting his head up in apparent ecstasy. Whatever she had thought fucking Severus would be like it wasn't this. She let out soft moans with every deep thrust. It felt so good and she could feel orgasmic tension rising again, an unusual feat considering she wasn't even touching herself.
Just as she was about to ask him to speed up he started to do so. She could no longer resist and reached between her thighs to lightly stroke her clit with her fingertips. Severus looked down at her with a mixture of love, lust and longing as he continued to increase the speed, providing her with the friction she desperately wanted.
"God, Sev. You're gonna make me come again… Can you come with me?" Lily asked, seeing how intense and erotically on edge he appeared.
He nodded.
"Fuck me hard," she begged and Severus started to slam into her as her fingers rapidly flicked over her clit.
"Shit. Oh shit. Oh. Ohhhhh," Lily moaned.
Severus's mouth slowly widened as his thrusts became fast but inconsistent. He almost looked like he was going to cry as he squealed in pleasure, calling out her name as they climaxed together.
"Yes. That's good. Come with me," she moaned as Severus's face twisted, as hips shaking as she clamped down on his twitching cock.
"Ohhh fuck!" Severus moaned through gritted teeth.
They resisted relaxing and letting go of the moment for as long as they could, Severus still thrusting until his cock was finally too soft to remain inside. At least they let go, Severus collapsing next to her while she basked in euphoria.
Lily slowly came back to reality. Her mind began to race over the things that needed to be done. She could feel the pain creeping back in. She checked her phone. There were angry texts from Petunia who seemed bothered that Lily wasn't trying to interfere with her attempts to take control of the whole process. And just like that she began to cry.
"Lily?" Severus said, confused.
"I'm sorry," she said through sobs.
The floodgates had opened and she couldn't stop. Severus didn't seem to know what to do. He looked uncomfortable, like he would rather be somewhere else.
"I… I don't understand. Everything was fine," Severus said.
"This isn't about you, Sev. My mom died," Lily reminded him.
"I'm sorry. Maybe I should go…" Severus said.
"No. You're fine. I just need to cry."
Severus went quiet and let her cry. She could already tell something had changed but she wasn't sure what. All the other things she was feeling were in the way of that sort of clarity of thought.
Eventually the tears subsided and she lay there quietly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The front door opened. Remus was home.
"I guess I should go," Severus said.
"Why? I'm not kicking you out," Lily said.
"We're just friends. Feels sort of weird hanging around after…" Severus said.
Lily frowned.
"We've cuddled before. I mean usually we're clothed but… I mean… if you want to go you are free too. But you don't have to," Lily said.
Dammit, she thought. She could see it all over his face. Disappointment and regret.
"What's up? You look bothered. Talk to me," Lily said, not wanting him to leave with anything unresolved.
"It's nothing," Severus said, sliding out of bed and looking for his clothes.
He was reverting back to his coolness, wanting to hide whatever it was. But suddenly he turned around, looking angry.
"No, that's a lie. It's not nothing. I… I don't understand. I thought… I thought we shared something there," Severus said, pointing at the bed.
"We did. We shared a really special moment. It was good. It was fun. It was… comforting," Lily said.
"But did you feel something?" Severus urged.
"I felt a lot of things. I always feel lot of things when I have sex, especially with someone I care about," Lily said.
Severus turned his nose up, his nostrils flaring.
"Was it like it is when you are with… them?" Severus said, refusing to actually mention her girlfriends directly even though the implication was clear.
"Sex is different with everybody. I like having sex with friends. I think it's better when you have a close relationship with someone. And it's always different," Lily said, refusing to tell him things that weren't his business.
Away in the kitchen she heard the refrigerator door close. Severus flinched then tossed his head back and asked with disgust, "Have you been with him?"
Lily sighed.
"It's none of your business who I've slept with, Sev," Lily said, feeling herself becoming angry.
She had never had sex with Remus and as far she knew he was mostly into guys anyhow. But she wasn't going to give Severus information just because he asked for it.
"Don't you think people who have sex with you have a right to know something like that?" Severus asked.
Lily sat up, pulling her blanket over her nudity, suddenly feeling less comfortable and more exposed.
"What are you talking about?" Lily asked, knowing damn well what he was talking about but wanting to see if he would admit to it.
As it happened he wasn't willing to admit it and just sneered instead. Lily sighed and shook her head.
"Why are you being like this, Sev? This isn't you! This is ridiculous," Lily said.
"Is it ridiculous? Is it so ridiculous to not want to be used?" Severus said.
"I… was not using you. Don't you dare turn this around on me," Lily said, reaching out of the bed for her tee-shirt and sliding it on.
"Of course you were. I knew what you were doing," Severus said, pulling on his jeans.
"Oh really? Well, fucking enlighten me, Sev. What was I doing?" Lily said as she pulled her shorts back on.
"You just needed someone to help you stop hurting. You used me. I was just here. You know how I feel about you and you used me anyway," Severus said.
There was truth to the idea that she had wanted comfort but the rest of his accusation was bullshit. Sure, perhaps she was in denial about his feelings but he had put up a good effort to hide them.
"I… I asked you if you would expect anything. You promised," Lily sneered.
"And you believed that? You knew better. You're not stupid, Lily," Severus said.
"I cannot believe you. You lied to me," Lily said, feeling tears coming on.
"Spare me. You knew what you were doing. Of course, the truth is that you do have feelings for me. That's why this upsets you. You know that I know how you feel just as I knew that you were using me. But something changed… we made love, Lily. I know you felt it," Severus said, almost like he was begging her to admit he was right.
"No. Nothing changed for me except I've learned what an asshole you can be," Lily said.
"Me? I'm an asshole?" Severus replied, seeming repulsed by the accusation.
"Yes. You had sex with me, knowing I was vulnerable because my mother just fucking died, you lied when you said you wouldn't expect anything from me and now you are trying to tell me how I feel. Dammit, Sev, I love you… as a friend. Nothing more. I' m sorry if that hurts but you need to hear it. I'm just not interested in you that way," Lily said.
Severus looked hurt for half a second but his face twisted into rage.
"Of course, not. How silly of me. Lily Evans is too special and unique to want to do anything normal, like fall in love with a man, get married and have a family. She doesn't want to have a real job or a real relationship. She just wants to screw and play around and let gross old perverts jack off to her on the internet for money. You can't bear the thought of being normal and fitting into society," Severus said, his voice cold and almost growling.
Hot tears fell from Lily's eyes.
"You sound like Petunia. No… I take that back. You sound worse than Petunia. Get out," Lily said through gritted teeth.
Severus seemed shocked and wounded.
"What are you doing? Get out!" Lily said, stepping forward, fully prepared to make him get out if need be.
"If that's how it's going to be," Severus said and turned then left the bedroom.
Lily followed him out into the living room and watched him put on his shoes then leave. As soon as she locked the door she collapsed to the floor in tears.
"Lily," Remus said, instantly at her side, unsure where he had come from.
Remus didn't ask any questions. He just held her again. She wasn't ready for that inevitable conversation where she admitted to him and her girlfriends that they were right about Severus. And besides she was still hoping it was just a bad dream. If she waited he would call and apologize. She was sure of it.
Three weeks passed without so much as a peep from Severus Snape. He didn't even show up at the funeral, which probably hurt more than anything else. After everything… all the years… Everything they'd been through. Did it really all come down to Severus not getting what he wanted when he wanted it?
She decided to call him. She was surprised when he quickly picked up.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey. How are you?" Lily asked.
"All right. You?" Severus replied.
"OK. I guess," Lily said.
Silence followed for a moment. She was hoping he would finally burst out with an apology.
"You didn't come to the funeral," Lily stated.
"I'm sorry. I had to work," Severus said.
Lily wasn't sure if she believed that but she didn't press him on it.
"So… Are we still friends?" Lily asked.
"I guess," Severus replied, seeming preoccupied or disinterested in the topic.
"You guess? After everything? I've known you since we were kids, Sev," Lily said.
Lily wished she didn't want to give Severus another chance but the thought of not having him in her life hurt and she was afraid of feeling that. What if the wound never healed?
"Maybe everything wasn't what I thought it was. Maybe I just hoped you'd grow up and see what was in front of you," Severus said.
Lily inaudibly sighed and shook her head.
"Are you really saying that if you can't be my boyfriend you don't want to be my friend?" Lily said, not knowing why she didn't just tell him to fuck off and hang up.
Why wouldn't he just take it back? He couldn't meant these things.
"The truth is that I'm too good for you," Severus said.
"You don't really believe that," Lily said.
There was silence and to her surprise he said, "No. I don't. But maybe I should. Maybe I should exercise a little more self-worth rather than chasing after someone who would rather have her head in the clouds than keep her feet on the ground."
Lily felt exhausted by the pain and anger she was feeling. It took all of her restraint not to just tell him to go fuck himself.
"Sev. I think… I think you're going to regret this. I know you're… feeling a lot of things right now. But don't burn this bridge. We've been friends for so long. Maybe we should just… take a break. Let things cool off."
Another pause for silence.
"Sure," he finally said.
"Maybe we'll touch base around the fourth of July?" Lily suggested.
"OK," Sev said.
"Good. That's good. OK. I… guess I'll talk to you then… then," Lily said.
"OK," Sev repeated and hung up.
In her heart, Lily knew it was over. She knew when the fourth of July came around that she would have to contact him, not the other way around. She felt so guilty that she couldn't let him go. He had been such an intrinsic part of her life for so long. Losing Severus was like losing a part of herself. It wasn't a perfect part of herself but it still felt irreplaceable.
Remus, Mary and Dorcas would be pleased by this turn of events but none of them would say so. Lily set her phone down and decided to have a lie down. She had done far too much mourning lately.
