Footsteps woke James up. It was the sound of bare feet moving across hardwood flooring. James opened his eyes, sunlight filling his vision. He groaned and looked around. For a moment he was disoriented, unable to remember where he was. He'd gone to a party last night. Nice house on the beach. There had been lots of drinking and smoking pot.
James looked down at himself. He seemed to have misplaced his clothes at some point. Hot tub. Yeah, everyone got naked in the hot tub. And some got naked out of the hot tub too.
Footsteps approached him. Suddenly a tall, thin pale but tanned woman with short, spiky bleached blonde hair stood above him, also naked. She had piercings in unconventional places. She looked sort of athletic.
"You awake?" she asked.
"I guess. Do I know you?" James asked, trying to stand himself up.
"No. You were at my party last night. Everyone left this morning but… I don't know. You seemed so peaceful on the floor," she said and walked away.
"Have you seen my clothes?" James asked as he pulled to his feet.
"Any clothes that were lying around got taken. You got robbed, dude," she said.
James wanted to sarcastically ask if her clothes had also been stolen but he didn't want to offend her.
"So uh… I'm James," he said, looking around to see if she was wrong about the clothes.
This place was nice. Nicer than he realized the night before. All the furnishings were made out of real wood. Things were polished and shiny. She had many shelves of unusual knick-knacks and a fair amount of books. She had significantly sized flatscreen TV. At the moment she was tidying up. She straightened up cushions and wiped off countertops.
"Petrova," she said, walking over and offering a hand.
"Petrova Porskoff," she added.
"Pleased to meet you, Petrova. Is there a bathroom around?" James asked.
"No. Just piss off the back porch," Petrova said with a smirk.
James looked shocked for half a second but relaxed once she laughed. She pointed him in the direction of the bathroom and he shuffled off. At the very least he was glad he had his glasses.
Upon leaving the bathroom Petrova was standing in the living room holding a bundle out to him.
"If you want some clothes. I mean I'm a nudist so it doesn't bother me but I guess you might want to be able to leave here," Petrova said.
James took the clothes from her. It was a plain white tee and and a pair of shorts that barely fit him.
"That's the best I can do. None of my shirts are really designed for such… broad shoulders. Shorts were an ex-girlfriend's," Petrova said as she walked into her kitchen.
"It's… fine. Have you seen my phone?" James asked, suddenly panicking.
Petrova reached over to the kitchen bar and shook his phone in her hand. James went over and grabbed, saying, "Thanks."
"No problem," she replied.
The phone was dead, of course. James remembered something else: he hadn't driven there.
"Shit. I'm going to have to walk home," James said.
"Yikes. Some friends you've got," Petrova said with a snicker.
"Yeah, except not really. They aren't friends. Just some guys I play soccer with. They said there was a party off the beach and I didn't ask questions," James said.
He supposed those guys were all at school right now. James got another sinking feeling.
"Fuck. School! It's Monday!" James screeched.
"It's one in the afternoon, friend. I'm pretty sure you've missed it," Petrova commented as she fried some eggs.
"Ugh. I don't think I'm going to get as many credits as I should have this year," James said.
"What's your major?" Petrova asked.
"Software development. I want to be a game designer. I thought it would be a good background to have," James said, leaning against the doorway of the kitchen, trying very much not to admire her well-toned bottom.
"Dude, if you want to be a game designer why are you even in this town? Are you a townie?" she asked.
"No. I… God, it's stupid…" James said.
Petrova laughed.
"You tell me your stupid story and I'll tell you at least five of mine," Petrova said, turning and winking at him.
"There was a girl…" James said and cringed.
"Isn't there always?"
"I suppose. And my best friend'd had a hard time with his parents. I thought it would be good for him to have a change of scenery," James said.
"Portland is a change of scenery. Or Seattle. Actually, have you been to Olympia? I wanna move back to Olympia…"
"I've been to Seattle… as a kid. It's been a while. No, I've never been to Olympia. I don't know. I just… it seemed like the right decision at the time."
"Eggs?" Petrova said as she plopped them onto a plate.
Toast popped out of her toaster, startling James.
"Sure," James said.
"Hope you like runny yolks," Petrova said.
"It's all good to me. Thanks," James said.
Petrova placed the toast on the plate and gestured at the stick of butter and butter knife behind her.
"So, is it still the right decision?" Petrova asked.
"I don't know. I do like it here. I like being close to the ocean," James said.
"Me too," Petrova said.
James ceased chatting to eat his eggs and toast. This was all sort of strange and surreal. A woman he didn't know was casually standing around naked and making small talk with him while she served him eggs. And he… sort of was enjoying himself.
Petrova finished another set of eggs and toast and gestured at James to follow her into the dining room, which looked out over the water, access to the beach via stairs.
"So this is your place? It's nice," James said.
"Yeah. Thanks. The mortgage is killer," Petrova said, taking a big bite of buttered toast.
"What do you… umm… do?" James asked.
"Whatever I want," Petrova said with a wink making James laugh.
"Fair enough," James said, mopping the last of his egg yolk up with a bit of toast.
"No, I'm an orthodontist," Petrova said.
"Really?" James asked, not expecting that.
"What? I feel like I should be offended. Do I not look like an orthodontist?" Petrova asked with a raised eyebrow.
"You don't look old enough to be an orthodontist," James said.
"Oh well, I can't be offended if you're gonna flatter me. Now I don't want to tell you how old I am. You'll run screaming," Petrova said with a soft chuckle.
"No, I won't. You seem cool regardless of how old you are," James said with a grin.
"OK. I'm twenty-four," Petrova said with a sigh.
"I mean that's about what I thought but… that's not old. And also too young to be an orthodontist… Actually you can't be any younger than-"
"I'm thirty," Petrova cut him off.
"Oh. Well, you don't look it," James said.
"Thanks. You look… nineteen," Petrova said.
"I am," James said.
"You can still see the baby fat in your cheeks. Past the awkward stage of life and into adulthood," Petrova said.
James tugged on his cheeks. They didn't feel fat to him. Petrova laughed and shook her head.
"So… you live here alone? No girlfriend?" James asked.
"No, just me. I never move boyfriends or girlfriends in and I'm not seeing anyone right now. I'm bi, by the way. To be clear," Petrova said.
"Oh. Sorry. I mean… That's great… I mean… I'll be quiet," James said.
Petrova cackled.
"You're so cute, dude," Petrova said.
"Thanks. I guess," James said, feeling himself blush.
"You can relax. I'm not easily offended," Petrova said.
"Oh. OK. I mean… I hope I'm not offensive," James said.
"So what about you? A cute guy like you must get lots of attention," Petrova said.
"I go on dates but I had a bad breakup a few months ago. I've just been trying to enjoy myself," James said.
"Nothing wrong with having fun and getting laid," Petrova said, scooping up their plates and taking them to the kitchen.
"I've been doing more of the former than the latter," James said, though in truth he hadn't been doing any of the latter.
"That sucks. Sex is important. It's healthy. Good for the body. I read that they tied prostate cancer to not having enough sex," Petrova said.
"Really? I'll… have to look that up," James said, failing to see how the body could know the difference between having sex and masturbating.
"Yeah. It's just… really important for all your systems and hormonal regulation," Petrova said, raising her voice over the sound of running water.
"I mean… I like sex. But I just like to… let it happen. I don't want to be that guy who is just trying to get girls into bed," James said.
"Is there something wrong with wanting to get someone into bed?" Petrova asked.
"I mean… I don't know. I suppose I hadn't thought about it too hard. I just don't think it's OK to pressure a girl into having sex with you or pretending you care about her just to get laid," James said.
"Obviously. But I mean, if sex is what you want I don't think there's anything wrong with being upfront about it," Petrova said, the dishes now in the dry rack.
"Yeah. But like… how can you know you won't make someone uncomfortable? You can't just go up to a girl in a bar and ask if she wants to have sex with you," James said.
"No. Don't do that! That's weird and creepy. But there are certain contexts in which it is OK to raise the subject, especially if you both already know you're looking to get laid," Petrova said, plopping down on her couch.
James followed over and sat down on the opposite end while she pushed her butt against the arm rest, sitting with her arms wrapped around her knees and her head resting on her arms.
"But when? Unless you're like… on Craigslist or a dating site where you can say you're looking for casual sex I don't see how it's appropriate," James said.
"Don't ask strangers for sex. If the situation is formal or business, don't ask for sex. But if you're like… Having an nice conversation with someone good looking. You can just… put out the hook. Just make a casual mention of sex without any sort of implication attached. See if they take the bait. If not, you move on. If they do then you can keep testing the waters. You can't guarantee you won't offend them if you lay out the invitation but you can at least make sure the topic doesn't make them uncomfortable."
"Oh," James said, realization dawning on him.
He realized that he had in fact taken the bait when it was offered but he was curious if she would lay out more.
"Ideally you just want to get a feel for whether they are game. And to be frank, when you've done it enough times you get good at reading people," Petrova said.
"Yeah. I suppose. I guess I'm not good at that," James replied.
"You can learn. With practice. If you want," she said.
"I don't know. I don't… I don't see myself ever just going out and pursuing it for the sake of it but I wouldn't mind… I wouldn't mind… not missing chances," James said, feeling flustered and knowing that if he got an erection right now there would be no hiding it in the tiny shorts.
"So, yeah. I can take you home if you want. Unless you would rather stay and hang out with me," Petrova said.
James's heart pounded. He wondered if this was all really happening.
"I… I think I'd like to stay and hang out with you," James said.
"Jesus," James said, breathing hard and staring up at the ceiling.
"Where?" Petrova asked, tilting her head back and forth as if actually searching for the messiah.
They both laughed. This was different, James thought. He had just had sex… no… that didn't do it justice. He had just gotten fucked. She was nothing like Charity. She was like a hurricane of sexual intensity. It also couldn't be discounted that she was older and had experience.
The only question was what happened now. He barely knew her. What were the expectations? He liked her and wouldn't mind getting to know her better but… this wasn't the intended relationship path.
Luckily Petrova cut right to the chase: "So to be clear, I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I don't know what's in your head but… just to be clear. I mean… I know we talked about this earlier… before. But sometimes guys get weird after."
"OK. That's… fine. I mean… I wouldn't mind hanging out again. You seem cool," James said with a grin.
Petrova laughed.
"You're all right. But yeah we can hang out. I just want to set some clear boundaries. I don't really date. I have really intense relationships that last a few years and then bad breakups follow and I lose my appetite for romance but not my appetite for… well, you know," Petrova said then stretched.
"I can tell," James said, laughing as he realized how sore every part of him, even his cock, was right now.
"Wanna take a run?" Petrova asked.
"Are you serious?" James said.
"I always like to go for a run after sex," Petrova clarified, standing up from the bed.
She did some stretches at the side of the bed while James laid still, feeling baffled. He supposed he couldn't really let himself be upstaged by someone eleven years his senior and he stood up, removing the condom then dashing to the bathroom.
Once he came back she was dressed, wearing grey sweatshorts and a matching sports bra that served as top. James quickly got dressed and they were off running. James didn't know the area all that well. There were lots of nice upper-middle class houses and a few houses that looked quite wealthy indeed.
He wasn't sure where he found the energy needed. His legs felt a bit like jelly. It wasn't easy to keep up with Petrova. Several times he tried to start up conversation but she stayed focused. There was something almost ritualistic to the process. James thought he had never seen anyone more alive than Petrova Porskoff. He bet she slept like a rock, but only after using up every last drop of energy she had.
An hour later they were back at her doorstep, James felt like he could barely stand but Petrova seemed tired but still enduring.
"Shower?" she asked.
"Yes, please," James said.
Petrova had a shower easily large enough for two people. The sort that was made of stone with a showerhead that felt like strong rain. James had never showered with a woman before. He was faintly surprised that Petrova stuck to business and didn't let things get sexy. But still when they stepped out of the shower she smiled at his hard-on.
"Damn, I thought I had drained all the come out of you," she joked as they dried off.
"Guess not," James said.
A short while later, they were back on the bed, breathing hard.
"Another run?" Petrova said.
"What?" James said.
"I'm kidding," Petrova said and they laughed.
The rest of the semester was filled with parties, Petrova and no regrets. James thought it was kind of nice to just hang out with Petrova, sometimes for sex and sometimes just to watch sports together and get high. There was no pressure involved. No stakes or expectations. Petrova was something simple in his life.
He wasn't really surprised to learn he failed to get the number of credits necessary for the year if he wanted to remain on track to get his degree in time. He supposed he would be stuck in this town a little longer than he intended. Sirius hadn't managed it either so neither of them would be holding back the other.
Petrova had urged him to push himself and not just give up at the end of the year the way he had but James felt more and more that enjoying his life to the fullest was the best way to be. He did vow to try harder next year, since there was no point in wasting his parents's money.
"So when do you ever go back to visit your parents? I love San Francisco," Petrova said while they had commercials muted during a tennis match.
"Well, Christmas is important," James said.
"Pfft. I'm Jewish," Petrova pointed out.
"Fair enough. But it's more about… the family traditions than the religion thing," James said.
"That makes sense. I'm not really close to my family. It's not that we don't get along. I just think… We're different people," Petrova said with a slight frown.
"They really aren't into orthodontics?" James joked.
Petrova chuckled and shook her head.
"Nah. They're just… They like folk rock and I like dance, hip-hop, and electronica. They don't like sports. They don't watch movies. Ever. Actually, they don't own a TV. But it's not like… they don't care that I'm bi or anything. They've met all my girlfriends. Hell, they've gotten along with most of my girlfriends better than they do me," Petrova said with a shrug.
"My parents were older when they had me. Almost middle-aged. They're kind of… very serious people. But so kind. When Sirius ran away… They did everything they could for him, even accepting him as their own. I always feel like I've never been a good enough son. I've never taken school as seriously as I should. Nothing's changed. I know I must be a disappointment. But that's not what they say. My mother tells me what a good man I'm becoming. And maybe I am growing up. But I wish I could be… I wish I could be better… for them," James said, wiping his eyes which were feeling a little damp.
"That's bullshit. I mean, it's nice to want to please your parents, but you should want to be better for you. Because ultimately you are the one who has to live your life. You're young. You have plenty of years to have fun and enjoy your life ahead of you," Petrova said.
"But you-"
"I'll admit I did my fair share of partying at your age. But you know me. I can't settle and relax. But my point wasn't to shame you or make comparisons. I'm just saying… Be the best you that you can be for yourself. The ones who love you will just be happy to see you succeed," Petrova said.
"You're probably right," James said.
"Only one way to find out," Petrova said with a wink, unmuting the French Open which was now back from commercial.
"Ah! Shit!" Peter shouted, having just been killed in Mass Effect 3.
James was sitting next to him on the couch absorbed into his 3DS on which he was playing Paper Mario: Sticker Star. Peter was playing the male Commander Shepard but James personally preferred the female Shepard.
"What difficulty are you on?" James asked, only briefly glancing up.
"Insanity. It's not easy," Peter said.
"It's funny. After beating Mass Effect 3, I never felt like replaying it," James said.
"Have you played the extended cut?" Peter asked.
"Nah. And I wasn't bothered by the ending. It was a little disappointing but I wasn't really that shocked. Maybe they'll do better next time," James said.
"They need you, right?" Peter said, popping James on the arm, making him smile.
"Hey," Sirius said, coming behind them and leaning over the back of the couch.
"Hey, man. What's up?" James asked.
"Nothing. Just seeing what you guys were up to," Sirius said.
Sirius had seemed a lot better since hitting rock bottom back in February. Perhaps, it was the summer or perhaps the heart needed time to heal. He still wasn't doing any photography but at least his mood seemed better.
"Playing video games," James said.
"Well, obviously. Oh shit, Peter," Sirius said.
"Fuck!" Peter almost squeaked as Commander Shepard's life was snuffed out once more.
"So you're not hanging out with Petrova tonight?" Sirius asked, coming around the couch and sitting down next to James.
"Nah," James said.
"So are you two dating or what?" Peter asked.
"We're friends," James replied.
"But… you're boning her," Peter said.
James frowned at Peter.
"You can have sex with someone you aren't romantically interested in," James countered.
"That sounds like bullshit. Maybe. Like a one-night stand. But if you keep going back, that's a girlfriend," Peter said.
"No it isn't," James said.
"Then how is it different?" Peter asked.
"I'll admit I'm curious. I mean… You know how I feel about the whole business. I don't even really get it. I don't understand what romance is even supposed to be," Sirius admitted.
"On my first date with Charity I felt… I felt like my stomach was literally filled with butterflies. And I didn't even think anything was going to happen. I didn't realize it was a big deal until I just… felt it. I didn't even care about having sex with her. I just wanted… She just felt… Special. And I wanted to feel special to her too. It's hard to explain if you've never felt it," James said.
"It's different for me. I think they go hand in hand and I think anyone who thinks they don't isn't being honest with themselves. You can't tell me you didn't have any dirty thoughts about Charity from the moment you met her," Peter said.
James paused Paper Mario and set his 3DS in his lap.
"Sure. I had thoughts. But that wasn't what was driving me. The butterflies were in the driver's seat not my dick," James said, feeling a little irritated.
"So you're letting your dick drive with Petrova?" Peter said.
"No! We're friends! We hang out. We shoot the shit. I do a lot of the same shit with her that I do with you guys. Except she's more interested in sports than you too," James said.
"You don't fuck us either," Peter groaned.
"Jealous?" James said.
"Fuck off, man," Peter said, laughing hard.
"I've never felt butterflies. Sounds distressing," Sirius said.
"It's hard for me to imagine anyone not wanting to have sex. I always want to have sex. Even if I'm sleeping," Peter said.
Sirius shrugged.
"It's not that I don't… get turned on or anything. I just… I can't imagine being that comfortable with someone. I understand like… thinking someone is hot. Like just because I think Lee Pace is hot doesn't mean I'd want to fuck Lee Pace. I don't know Lee Pace," Sirius said.
"Who is Lee Pace?" Peter asked.
"He was on Pushing Daisies. He's gonna be in The Hobbit," Sirius said.
James privately admitted that Lee Pace was good looking enough for a guy but didn't want any accusatory comments from Peter.
"The girl in that was cute," Peter said.
"Which one?" Sirius said.
"Both of them," Peter said.
"So, Peter… would you really like… if say Scarlett Johansson just knocked on the door right now and wanted to have sex with you, would you do it?" Sirius asked.
"Hell yes, I would. Why wouldn't I? How could I live with myself if I didn't," Peter said.
"James?" Sirius added.
"Me? I don't know. I don't think she's my type. Maybe if we could hang out and it felt like there was chemistry. I think to be honest, I would be freaked out if a celebrity ever randomly knocked on my door. But no. I don't think I would have sex with her in that situation," James said.
"But isn't that basically what happened with Petrova?" Peter replied.
"No! We talked for a while. And even once it was obvious where things were going we didn't just rush into it. Once she asked me if I wanted to stay and hang out… I mean we must've talked for nearly an hour before anything happened after that. We talked it over," James said.
"I mean… I know I sound like some sort of pig," Peter said.
"Oink," Sirius mocked.
"But honestly, it's not that I'm a horndog just trying to get laid. It's just that I really want both. I want a girlfriend and I want sex. I don't think there's anything wrong with that," Peter said.
"There's nothing wrong with just wanting to get laid. I think it's about honesty. Don't tell a girl you love her to get her into bed," James said.
"I would never do that. Shit!"
Peter died again in Mass Effect. He set his controller aside and took a drink of his Mountain Dew.
"I should hope not," Sirius said.
"I think most people just want their needs met. Love and sex are basic needs," Peter said.
"I don't agree. I don't think my life is any less rich for lack of romance or sex," Sirius said.
Peter just huffed and started playing his game again.
"Do you feel like you need them, James?" Sirius asked.
"Hmm…"
James leaned back in thought. He remembered the good times with Charity. Snuggling together on the couch. Going on walks and holding hands. Staying up all night to text each other. Making love and vaguely talking of plans for the future. That feeling that she was slowly becoming a part of him and he of her. He felt a tug at his heart and he banished the thoughts.
"I don't know if I need it. But I do think… I'm drawn to it. Even though I'm afraid of another heartbreak. Petrova was saying how she lives in this cycle of intense relationships then long periods of single life after big heartbreaks. I think maybe she's a stronger person than me. I can't imagine ever feeling the pain I felt after Charity again," James said, wiping a stray tear from the corner of his eye.
Sirius gently rubbed James's arm and gave him a supportive smile.
"As for me… I guess never say never but I don't think I need it. I'll admit the prospect of heartbreak doesn't make it any more appealing," Sirius said.
James's phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket and answered.
"Hello?" James asked.
"This is James Potter?" the voice on the other end said.
"Yeah. Who is this?" James replied.
"Edward M. Johnson. Your mother and father's attorney," he said.
James felt suddenly anxious. He'd met Mr. Johnson a few times but they'd had few personal interactions.
"Oh, right. What's up?" James said.
"I… have some bad news, James. Your mother and father have passed away," Johnson said.
"What are you talking about? I just spoke to my mom last night," James said.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Potter. I really am," Johnson said and then proceeded to explain how a gas leak in the old home that they lived in had resulted in their deaths from suffocation over night.
"They probably didn't suffer much at all," Johnson finished.
"Everything all right, James?" Sirius asked.
Peter swore again, dying in the game for the umpteenth time.
"No," James said.
"Excuse me?" Johnson said.
James turned to Sirius.
"Everything isn't all right. My mom and dad are dead," James said, then quickly covered his mouth as his eyes filled with hot tears, the reality of the situation barreling forward.
"What?"
"Oh god, James."
James wasn't sure what Peter had said or what Sirius had said. Johnson was still talking but James couldn't focus.
"I'll call you back," James said.
"All right. We have a lot to talk about when you're ready," Johnson said.
They said goodbye and hung up. James felt his chest heaving. His cheeks were wet and he kept a hand clamped to his mouth. He looked at Sirius. He was crying too. That put him over the edge, his sobs finally erupting.
And just like that, he felt two pairs of arms around him, holding him tightly as he wept. He felt just like he did when he was five and got lost at the mall. A nice woman had stayed with him while they tried to locate his parents.
We'll find your mommy and daddy, I promise.
The words echoed in his mind. He had never been so scared or cried as hard as he had that day, at least until now. He felt so afraid and so very lost. He sobbed like a child. Hands rubbed him. Possibly Peter or possibly Sirius or perhaps both. He pulled his arms around them, urging them closer. He knew they might be afraid to suffocate him but it was OK right now. He was a lost scared child and he just needed to feel safe until…
Petrova called the following morning, wanting to see if he felt going to the gym with her.
"I'm sorry, Petrova. I'm not feeling well," James said.
"No, it's cool. I'm sorry you're not feeling well," she said.
"It's… my parents died," James said, wondering when it would stop feeling like saying those words was killing them over and over again.
"Oh my god. James… that's terrible," Petrova said.
"Yeah. Funeral in San Francisco this Sunday," James said.
James wanted to see if Petrova wanted to come along but he didn't want to seem out of line per their relationship. But as it stood right now she was a good friend and he desperately wanted to be surrounded with friends.
"Do you want me to come? I don't mean to impose but… I had a friend who died in High School. She got hit by a drunk driver. I remember how hard it was. It was good to not be alone… to just have my other friends there and… sharing our grief," Petrova said.
"That would be nice," James said, feeling relieved he didn't have to ask her.
"I can help pay for a hotel," Petrova offered.
"That's OK. My parents place has enough rooms for us all and a few cousins," James said.
"When are you planning on going down there? I'm off work Friday," Petrova said.
"We're going down Friday morning. I'm not sure when I'm coming back. I know Sirius and Peter won't leave my side. You might have to drive yourself down there and back if you don't want to miss work," James said.
"That's not a problem. I'm just happy to help," Petrova said.
"It's big," Petrova said, her voice echoing.
"That's what she said," Peter whispered.
"I heard that," Petrova said.
"Shut up, Pete," Sirius said.
"It was my great-grandparents house. Passed down to my dad after his parents died. And now it's mine I guess," James said.
His parents had left him most everything, though they rightly assumed he wouldn't want control of the family business. Otherwise most of the their holdings and property would go to him, to determine what to do with.
"You gonna move back down here and leave me and Sirius up in Oregon?" Peter asked while James opened blinds where he could.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. There's going to be a lot to take care of. I might have to spend more time down here. Especially when it comes time to sell the house," James said.
"You're going to sell your family home?" Petrova said, sounding sad.
"I'm thinking about it. I don't really need a place this big. The taxes would just eat through all the money they left me. I'm not sure San Francisco is my future. I'm more drawn to Portland or Seattle," James said.
"Fair enough," Petrova said.
James felt that at any moment the thin ice that was protecting him from his emotions would crack. He never had been much of a skater. He sighed and rejoined the others in front of the stairs.
"Sirius can have his old room. I'm taking my parents room. Peter and Petrova can take whatever other rooms you want," James said.
They walked up the stairs. Petrova ultimately chose his old room while Peter took one of the spares. While the others settled in, James wandered into his parents room. He'd already had their normal cleaners clean the bedding and he'd had a new mattress brought in. Otherwise everything was as his parents left it.
Both had books left on their end tables. His mother had copies of the New Revised Standard Edition of the Bible and The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco. His father had political non-fiction only. All the President's Men, The Audacity of Hope, The Shock Doctrine and The Autobiography of Malcolm X, all of them with bookmarks in various places. It was very like his father to read four different books simultaneously.
James checked to make sure none of them were library books. It would be easy to miss things like that. He wouldn't want to get a bill for a million dollars when he was eighty-five all because he never returned his father's library book.
James tapped the top of the books. He would donate the books to the library.
"Dad, won't be finishing them," he said to no one.
He blinked as tears fell from his eyes. James turned and closed the bedroom door. In silence he fell to his knees at the side of their bed and prayed for the first time in a long time.
Petrova opened the door as soon as James knocked. She had chosen to spend the night in his old bedroom. She was wearing the shirt and shorts she had given him to wear on the day they first met. They fit her marginally better.
"Hey," she said.
"Hey. What's up?" James asked.
"I'm watching True Blood. It was on. Apparently new season starts this weekend," Petrova said.
"I've never seen it. I gather that it's really violent and sexy," James said.
"So far. It's kind of ridiculous but there's not much else is on," Petrova said.
James sat down on his old bed next to her.
"I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you coming down here, Petrova. You never even met my parents," James said.
Petrova shot him a small smile.
"It's not a problem. I take my friendships very seriously. A few years ago I flew to Germany to attend the wedding of an old college friend. I hadn't seen her in years and we had barely spoken in all that time. I didn't know her fiancé. But I went because I take bonds seriously. If we ever lose touch, it doesn't matter. If you ever need me I'll be there," Petrova said placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Thanks. You mind if I sit here for a little while?" James asked.
"It's your room, dude," she said with a grin.
It was nice to chat with Petrova while they both half paid attention to HBO. By the time midnight rolled around Petrova finally turned the TV off.
"Enough of that," she said.
"Yeah. Vampires, man," James said.
"They suck," Petrova said then chuckled at her own joke.
"That's the first time anyone has ever made that joke," James said.
"Probably. So umm.. Listen. If you want… you're welcome to umm… I guess I'm trying to say that if you were looking for a certain sort of physical comfort I would be amenable," she said.
"Nah. I don't think that's the sort of comfort I need. Thanks for the offer, though. Goodnight, Petrova," James said.
"Goodnight, James," she said with a warm smile.
James wandered downstairs, wanting a snack before bed. There was already a light down there. He heard soft sounds. Crying. He slowly walked in there to find Sirius crying at the kitchen sink.
"Hey, James," Sirius said as James came behind him and wrapped arms around his shoulders.
"Hey, buddy," James said.
"I'm sorry. This is stupid. I don't mean to take away from your pain," Sirius said through choked sobs.
"You're not taking anything away from me. You were like a son to them, even over such a short time. You have every right to grieve," James said.
"OK," Sirius said, letting out a series of hard sobs.
"Just let it out, buddy. Let it all out," James said, knowing that it was advice he could use himself.
The rest of the weekend played out in a blur as relatives arrived and the funeral took place. James delivered a eulogy having written it in tears Saturday night. He didn't even try to keep himself together. What was the use of keeping a strong image? Why was it strong not to cry? Crying made him feel better. It gave a path for his emotions to take instead of burying themselves deep and filling him with pain. He thought crying was strength, not weakness.
No matter how much he cried the pain would never truly go away. James thought a lot about the last year. Moving to the Southwestern Oregon coast, Sirius's brother dying, his entire relationship with Charity, all the partying, his burgeoning friendship with Petrova, failing to get as many credits this year as he should have. He thought of his future and everything he wanted to do with his life.
Petrova was seated in his parents living room, quietly reading something on her Kindle. Sirius and Peter were visiting Sirius's cousin Andromeda and her family who had also attended the funeral at James's invitation. James went and sat down next to her and she set the Kindle aside.
"Hey," James said.
"Hey," Petrova echoed.
"I think it's time to straighten my life out. I'm going to take a year off school," James said.
"Really? That's… not what I expected you to say," Petrova said, making a confused face.
"I need to make sure I don't halfass taking care of my parents's estate. I mean I'm not moving back down here. But I want to not have to split my focus. If I don't have to worry about school I can come down here and handle things. I could hire people to do everything for me but… I want to do as much as I can myself. I think I need to," James said resolutely.
"I mean, you could still take some courses," Petrova suggested.
"Nah. I'd rather get a part time job or something. Something to keep me busy so I don't have to sit around all the time. Build some of my own savings. I think I'm done with partying too. Maybe just for very special occasions," James said.
"That's fair. Moderation is good," Petrova said.
"I guess aside from partying my weed and alcohol intake is pretty moderate though. I'm sure getting stoned every now and then isn't going to ruin me," James said.
"Probably not," Petrova replied.
"So a year off. Then fall of next year I'll start back up with a clear mind, some of my own money and a desire to be the best me that I can be," James said, feeling better already.
