That Night At the Inn

Arguments

Kagome was stunned into silence for a moment.

She knew that InuYasha would feel bad, would even probably feel somehow responsible for what had happened, but she never would've thought he would believe he actually raped her.

"What?" she gasped in disbelief.

"I know, I'm sorry isn't-"

"Stop," Kagome commanded and he did. That he listened like that was another bad sign that he was feeling incredibly guilty. "InuYasha. You. Didn't. Rape. Me." she said it slowly and purposefully to make sure he got the message.

"But-"

"No 'buts'!" Kagome cut him off again and he looked at her in surprise, she had said it with a little bit of anger. "InuYasha, that was consensual sex. It was drunk sex but consensual."

InuYasha blushed a bit at the easy way she said it, without a hint of hesitation. "Kagome, it wasn't." he insisted. "That inn keeper...I should have been more aware. If I had been, we wouldn't have..."

"I know," Kagome said, her anger calming back down, "but we did. And, believe me, it was consensual. Don't think it was rape."

"But it was." InuYasha repeated, determined to make it his fault. "You weren't in your right mind, you were drunk off of that demon sake and I took advantage of that."

"Okay, fine." Kagome crossed her arms. "But if you're going to say that you raped me, you have to admit that I raped you back!"

"What?" he looked confused. "You can't rape me, you're a girl."

"You were just as drunk as me," Kagome proclaimed, feeling a bit proud of the loophole she found. "I took just as much advantage of you as you did me. The only way I'll let you admit that you raped me is if you admit that I raped you as well."

InuYasha's jaw had gone slack in surprise and confusion. The idea that a girl raped a man was foreign to him. There were people in modern times who didn't think men could be raped so Kagome wasn't surprised he was surprised by her ultimatum. And she was sure his pride would never let him admit that he was raped so he wouldn't be allowed to think he raped her.

"It just...doesn't work like that!" he finally said.

"Accept it, it was consensual rape or it was consensual sex, pick one." Kagome retorted. She had to nip that rape thought in the bud fast or she knew it would come back to bite her in the ass.

And as long as he believed he forced her, he wouldn't touch her again. Which was exactly what she didn't want to happen.

"Kagome..." InuYasha's mouth moved but no sound was coming out.

That was good. He couldn't find away around that logic of hers, which was right anyway.

"I don't regret what happened." Kagome continued, smiling a bit. "Yes, we were drunk, but I don't wish any of it away. I'm happy that it happened."

InuYasha looked away, blushing furiously. Truth of the matter was, he had enjoyed it as well.

Kagome approached him and grabbed his hands, pulling them out of his sleeves and holding them in her own. "That demon alcohol didn't affect my memory. When the innkeeper died, it all just vanished from my system leaving my memory in tact. I remember every bit of it."

InuYasha nodded to show that he did as well.

"Do you remember what I said to you?" she asked. "Before we...you know. Remember what I told you?"

He played back the events in his mind, paying attention to before they had mated.

"You said..." he trailed off not sure he could voice it.

"I said, 'I lub you'." Kagome giggled. "I was drunk, enunciation wasn't really my top concern."

"So..." he just couldn't speak the words. Speaking those words would give birth to a hope that was already quickly growing in his chest. And if he was wrong and that hope was crushed, it would hurt too much.

"I meant, 'I love you'," Kagome clarified and he looked her dead in her eyes, his golden eyes smoldering with unspoken emotions. "And it wasn't the alcohol talking, at least not completely. I do love you InuYasha. I love you so much it hurts. And that night was incredible to me because I love you so much."

InuYasha wasn't sure what to say. Of course he knew what she felt for him, why else would she stand by him despite the pain he caused her if it wasn't love? And he knew what he felt for her in return. But there was one problem, one problem that the demon sake had made him forget but kept him from giving himself to Kagome.

"Kikyo," he murmured. That one word made Kagome's face fall and caused her to look away. "I owe her my life. I can't...I just...can't..."

"I know," Kagome said, smiling back at him understandingly. "I know that one day you're going to give your life to her. I know that, but..." she paused. "While you're still alive, while you're still with me, can't we pretend? Can't we just pretend that you're mine alone?"

InuYasha's heart hurt.

He loved both girls, he did. It wasn't a matter of who he loved more and it wasn't even a matter of choosing. Logic and his soul both called for Kagome.

But his honor, the only thing he had that was really his and only his, wouldn't let him. Kikyo had given her life for him, he owed her the same in return and he had already given her his word. Isn't that why he had pushed Kagome away in the first place, to keep from hurting her because of that very love she had for him?

But when she came back, when Kagome asked to stay beside him, it had lifted him up. He would do anything for her, he knew that. But he was afraid giving in to her now, giving her what she was asking for, giving her what he dearly wanted to give, would hurt her badly eventually.

"Let me think," he finally said because she was expecting an answer. "I need to think."

"I know," Kagome stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his gently, for a just a moment, before pulling back. "Take your time. I'm not going anywhere."

He nodded and gave her a half-smile of thanks.

Kagome caressed one cheek before turning and beginning the walk back to camp, her heart lighter and heavier at the same time.

XXXXXXXXX

The group reached Keade's village only three days later. Predictably, Kagome asked InuYasha to be able to go home for a few days. He didn't look at her as he nodded his consent, not bothering to fight her on the matter.

He had gone back to not looking at her, again. He had been jumping between avoiding the sight of her and staring ever since they had talked.

Other than that, they didn't mention it at all. Sango had given her curious glances and hinted that she wanted to know, but Kagome just couldn't bring herself to tell her. She wanted to keep it between her and InuYasha until something was decided.

So she went home, giving him all the space she could.

Besides, losing her virginity was a big step for her. She needed some time as well. Time to get all the annoyances involved with sex done and over with.

InuYasha watched her go, his face carefully blank but his heart in turmoil.

How could he say 'no' to her? How could he say 'yes'?

When you owed everything to one woman, how could you possibly look to another? Even if it was, as Kagome said, just pretend.

But that was the problem; it wouldn't be just 'pretend'. He couldn't pretend to love a girl he actually loved. It would be too hard, especially when the girl in question loved him back. There would be no happy end in that, he knew it. Nothing good could possibly come from a tryst with her when they both knew that he would break her heart someday.

Then again, they both knew that he would have to break her heart someday. So wouldn't it be better to love while they could and be thankful for the time they had? That would certainly be better than to be forced to stare at each other each day, knowing what could be and what could never be.

But wouldn't being together, really together, mean it would hurt more when it finally ended?

How InuYasha wished his life was less complicated.

There were half-demons that spent their entire lives alone, especially after a parent or both parents died. InuYasha had considered himself blessed to meet one woman to love him. That there were two women that loved him was so completely unbelievable and almost unfair. There were normal people who went their entire lives without really falling in love, and he got the opportunity to do it twice.

But it was worse than that.

Kikyo didn't love him anymore and, quite honestly, he didn't love her anymore either. What bound them together was a commitment that was, literally, as important as life and death. There was too much pain between them to ever really love each other as they had before and trust had never been something they shared.

But Kagome? Kagome he loved. She was more precious than air to him. He needed her to live now. However, he had nothing that bound them together, certainly nothing as important as the oath that bound him to Kikyo. It was the only reason that he could turn from her to fulfill his duty to Kikyo. And because he had nothing to bind him to her, she could still move on after he was gone.

Above all, he wanted Kagome to be happy. Certainly not with any wolves, because she could definitely do better than that. And absolutely no human Hobo's because she attracted danger like dead-meat attracted flies. She needed someone strong to protect her. But he wanted her to be happy, especially after he had died for Kikyo like he promised to do.

And wouldn't joining together just hurt her more?

And despite all the reasoning and logic that ran amuck in his head, his body and heart still wanted it, wanted her.

He wanted to hold her again, hold her sober this time. He wanted to repeat what they had done before, but end it properly and not run like he had the first time. He wanted to prove how much he loved her even if he couldn't say it out loud, couldn't voice it.

Even if it was just for a short time, he wanted to be hers and hers alone. He wanted, even if it was just pretend, to hold her, to be hers, to have her be his. He wanted everything she wanted.

And if he wanted it so much, didn't that mean she wanted it more because she had no Kikyo in her past to hold her back? How could he not give her what she wanted so dearly?

How could he give it?

How could he not?

She was only gone two days, but he spent both of them thinking to himself in his favorite tree outside of Keade's hut.

Yes, no, yes, no.

The same thoughts and arguments ran around and round in his head.

He repeated arguments, he countered them again. He made a decision, he changed his mind. He did it again and again. Back and forth and back and forth.

Sango and Miroku inquired to his health, both of them genuinely worried about him. He assured them both he was fine, he wasn't hungry, he would come inside soon, no really, he was fine.

Shippo had started to nag him about something, but he wasn't listening because he was mid-argument with himself at that point and he had drowned out everything else.

By the time he left his thoughts, the kit had gone back to play or go inside and color. He wasn't really paying attention.

Villagers passed, waving in greeting and calling out to him. He waved back absently, not really paying attention to them either. After a while, they started worrying too, but he didn't pay them any mind.

He was too busy thinking, re-thinking, deciding, regretting, and deciding again.

He didn't come back to himself completely until he smelled a familiar, beautiful scent suddenly appear in the forest.

He lifted his head and looked into the trees.

After a few minutes, Kagome came into view, her backpack re-filled, a small smile on her face.

She still smelled like him despite the fact that she had surely bathed in her time. He liked that, he liked it a lot. And now that she had convinced him it wasn't, in fact, rape, he liked it even more than he had before.

And how could he deny himself something he so dearly wanted?

She reached the base of the tree and smiled up at him. "I'm back," she called.

"Welcome back," InuYasha replied quietly, his face not giving away anything.

Kagome smiled and walked inside.

They didn't need to say a word.

Have you come to a decision?

No, not yet.

Take your time.

That he was so comfortable with her that they could have an entire conversation without saying a word was a wonder to him. Yet, strangely, not a surprise. It didn't shock him at all to know that he was so familiar with her.

But it didn't make deciding any easier.

Inu's having a tough time huh? I wonder what he decides... hmmm?