Blaine is on the couch with his guitar when Kurt comes home later that evening. His whole face is set in the frown that means he's been working on something for hours without managing to get it right. Kurt gives him a small smile and kisses his temple on his way to the kitchen, and is totally prepared to spend the rest of the night with a cup of tea and a magazine. He has barely grabbed the kettle when Blaine's guitar strumming dies, and a few seconds later he appears in the kitchen doorway.
"How was lunch?" he asks. He's trying to sound casual, and usually he's a good enough actor to pull it off, but he's too tense today and Kurt sees right through it.
"It was fine," Kurt replies, filling the kettle with water and reaching up for a mug.
"Fine," Blaine repeats.
"Mhm."
Blaine is silent for a couple of seconds, as if he's waiting for Kurt to elaborate. When he doesn't, he says, "Are you seeing him again?"
"Yes. We're going out to get drinks this weekend or next."
"Oh." Blaine fiddles with a loose splinter in the doorframe and Kurt barely catches what he says next. "I don't want you to see him."
Kurt breathes in deeply and tries to stay calm. He knows Blaine is annoyed at something else right now and that he's just looking to pick a petty fight to get an outlet for his frustrations. He's done this before, but not since Kurt asked him to please stop.
"That's really not for you to decide," he says, as lightly as he can muster.
"No. But-" Blaine cuts himself off and avoids looking directly at Kurt.
"But what?" Kurt prompts. They need to get this out now, before it has time to fester and get worse.
"I don't like it. I-" Blaine sighs. "I'm jealous," he says, sounding equal parts embarrassed and annoyed.
"Why?" Kurt asks, even though he knows why. If their roles were reversed, Kurt'd be asked to play Elphaba he'd be so green with jealousy. "Blaine, we're getting married, you-"
"Are we?" Blaine cuts him off, sharply. "Because from where I'm standing, there's a lot of talk about it, but you don't seem to actually want to decide anything." He purses his lips and breathes in through his nose, lets it out slowly. "Sorry. I'm just-" He waves vaguely. "I'm gonna…" He turns around without finishing the sentence, and a couple of seconds later, Kurt hears the door to their study being firmly shut.
The only thing Kurt can think about, even when the kettle clicks, signaling that the water is done, is how he didn't even think about telling Blaine he has no reason to be jealous, because…he has.
x
Kurt and Sebastian don't get a chance to meet up during the weekend, but that doesn't mean they don't talk. There's an almost constant stream of texts between them, mostly design related, but there's also a decent amount of catching up with the past five years between them. Sebastian has a lot of stories to tell about Paris and France, and Kurt doesn't even pretend he's not jealous.
He tries to be discreet about his texting, at least around Blaine, but his fiancé catches on pretty quickly and makes his dislike obvious by sighing loudly every time Kurt gets a text. It's almost a relief when Blaine leaves on Sunday night for his week as a counselor at a summer camp near Washington. Kurt gets to use his phone without being glared at, he can sleep properly at night, and he doesn't have to have a single conversation about the wedding. He still talks to Blaine every day, of course, but they mostly keep the conversations light and talk about their days, Blaine gushing about how awesome the kids are and what he gets to do, and Kurt mostly complaining about how the people he works with are idiots. It's nice, the distance is nice, even though they were apart just a few weeks ago when Kurt was in Lima. Kurt tries to not think too much about that, how he enjoys this, because it doesn't lead to anything good.
x
Kurt and Sebastian do manage to meet up the Friday when Blaine is away, though. Kurt hurries to get home after work and then meets Sebastian outside a bar a few blocks from his house, smiling easily and handing over a stack of magazines on interior design.
"I've put post-its on the things I think would fit, and they're color-coded. There's a reference sheet in the magazine on the top," he says, tapping the top of the stack where it's settled in the crook of Sebastian's arm.
"Thanks," Sebastian says with a warm smile. "Are they all recent or…?"
Kurt gives him an approving look, but shakes his head. "No. But I've also written down notes on where you can find similar stuff to the things that are out of stock these days."
Sebastian lets out a low, impressed whistle. "Wow. Thank you, really. I don't know what I'd do without this."
"Have an ugly home," Kurt replies easily, dodging away when Sebastian tries to nudge his shoulder. "Should we go inside? I haven't eaten yet, and I need something if we're really gonna be drinking," he says, nodding towards the bar.
"And Blaine approves of this?" Sebastian says as they make their way to a table. He's joking, Kurt knows, but the implications are still annoying.
"He's not home," Kurt mutters. Not that it would've mattered if he was, because honestly, Kurt doesn't have a say in Blaine's drinking and outing habits, so Blaine really doesn't get to have a say in Kurt's habits.
"Oh. Everything okay?" Sebastian asks, looking up to flag down a waitress.
Kurt shrugs. "Yeah, I guess. He's at camp, so it's not-It's fine."
"Okay," Sebastian says, sounding wary, then looks up at the waiter who has appeared at the table. "Two… uh…" He falters and looks over at Kurt, probably realizing that they've never done this before. He doesn't know what Kurt drinks. It's a thing they never really covered while they were together, and they certainly haven't covered it since. Drinking habits is not exactly something you bring up in a casual text. It's a relatively intimate piece of detail, and this, just this one glance, makes Kurt painfully aware of just how much they've missed out on during their years apart.
"I'll have a glass of white wi—you know what, fuck it," Kurt says. "I'll have a Long Island Iced Tea." There's a beat of silence. "And a plate of fries," he adds, mindful of his almost empty stomach. The waiter nods, then looks expectantly at Sebastian.
"I'll have a beer," he says.
"What kind?"
"What do you have?"
The waiter sighs and shifts. "This week we have three kinds from a local microbrewery, otherwise we have-"
"Dear lord, give me one of those," Sebastian says, sounding equal parts horrified and excited.
Lifting an eyebrow, the waiter asks "Which one?"
Sebastian squints at him. "The darkest?"
"Coming right up," the waiter says, and he couldn't sound less excited about coming back with their drinks.
"Microbrewery, huh?" Kurt says when the waiter has left, and Sebastian gives him a look.
"Yeah," he says shortly. "So, camp?"
"Yeah. He's going to be a music teacher. So this is like...a practice run, or something."
"That's nice," Sebastian says. Kurt nods. It does. It is. "Have you gotten anywhere with the wedding plans?"
Kurt sighs and slumps down in his seat. "No."
Sebastian raises an eyebrow. "What happened to Kurt 'I want to be married before thirty, not necessarily to you, but, I mean-' Hummel?" he asks. "I mean, if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but...I don't know. I'm here if you do want to talk."
"It's not-You make it sound like I'm-" Kurt lets out a frustrated sigh and slumps even further down. "I love Blaine," he says. "I do, I really, really do, but-"
It's weird, opening himself up to Sebastian like this. He hasn't even told Rachel any of this, and here he is, about to spill his guts to his ex-boyfriend before having had a single drop of alcohol.
"But…" Sebastian prompts, gently.
"But I'm just-Your wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, right? That's what it's about, that's what everyone's saying. You're marrying the love of your life, it's all about you, all about love, everything is amazing. The happiest day of your life."
"Yes…?" Sebastian says when Kurt falls silent and doesn't continue. "Is there a problem with that?"
Kurt looks at him. "Why would I want to have the happiest day of my life before I'm twenty-five?"
Sebastian stares back at him. "Kurt, are you getting cold feet? Are you-It's been your dream to get married since you were, like, three years old. And now you don't want to do it?"
"I do! I-At least I think I do? I mean, I love Blaine. Why wouldn't I want to marry him?"
"Well, don't ask me; I've never even met the guy!"
"God, I wasn't-Ugh. Never mind. It's-probably just the distance. Everything will be fine when he comes back."
"Sure it will," Sebastian says, sounding about as sincere as their waiter sounded excited. Who, speak of the devil, comes back to their table just as Sebastian is talking. He puts their drinks down before them, Kurt's plate of fries in the middle, then leaves without even asking if they want anything else.
"What's his problem?" Kurt mutters, taking a sip of his drink and wincing at the strength of it. He grabs a couple of fries and watches Sebastian looking suspiciously at his beer bottle.
"I repeat, 'microbrewery?'" Kurt says, glad for the chance to change the subject. Sebastian takes a sip and his reaction is not even a wince, is a full-scale grimace.
"Jesus christ, what did they do at that place?" he says, turning the bottle to read the whole label. "Ugh, there's supposed to be something other than hops in it." He puts the bottle down and wipes his mouth, then sneaks a couple of fries from the plate. Kurt reaches for the bottle, taking a sip. He completely understands Sebastian's reaction and takes a big gulp of his own drink to swallow down the taste of the-thing.
"This trend has gone way, way too far," he says, pushing the bottle back to Sebastian.
"Yeah," Sebastian agrees, then takes another drink. "Ew."
"You gonna finish it?" Kurt asks, incredulous.
"Yes! Don't knock it 'til you try it, and all that. Maybe it gets better." He looks dubious as he says it, though.
"Mm," Kurt agrees, absentmindedly. Maybe it does get better. Maybe he and Blaine will get better. Sebastian seems to pick up on his track of mind, because he puts his bottle down and dons a serious expression again.
"Kurt…I'm not saying you should listen to me, because I don't know Blaine at all, and I barely know you anymore, but.. maybe you're just not ready?"
"Not ready for what? Marriage? You said it yourself, I've been talking about it since I could speak." Kurt pointedly avoids the part about Sebastian barely knowing him, because no matter how true it might be, it hurts. He doesn't want to be someone Sebastian barely knows, he wants to be the one Sebastian knows the best.
"Yeah, but…things don't always turn out the way you think they will," Sebastian says, avoiding Kurt's eyes as he says it. "There's nothing wrong with waiting," he adds.
"Waiting for what, though?" Kurt asks. "We live together. We love each other."
"Well," Sebastian says, and then he hesitates, looking unsure if he should say the rest of the sentence. "Maybe you're just not right for each other, then."
Kurt looks at him for several seconds, but Sebastian doesn't budge. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this conversation," he sighs and reaches for his drink, but he doesn't miss Sebastian's brief, sad smile.
"You shouldn't have to be drunk at all."
x
On Saturday, Kurt wakes up with a hangover and stomach that's not all too keen on cooperating. He doesn't know when exactly he came home last night, but he knows it was late, and that he had a lot to drink during the night.
He makes his way into the kitchen, pours a glass of water and makes some toast, swallows a couple of painkillers, then sits down heavily at the kitchen table. A wedding magazine is on top of the pile at the end of the table, no doubt purposely planted there by Blaine. Kurt has been ignoring it all week, but now he grabs it and starts to flip through it. He needs to distract himself somehow, he might as well start to plan this thing.
While the coffee maker is working, Kurt walks around the apartment and collects a bunch of relevant magazines and his computer, dumping it all on the coffee table. He grabs a blank notebook, too, and a pack of pencils.
The coffee helps a bit with the headache, but it doesn't completely remove the pounding against Kurt's temples. Somehow, he's fine with that. It feels like an appropriate punishment for the thoughts he's having, the thoughts that are the reason he's even sitting here, drawing up designs for wedding suits and googling possible venues. It's fucked up in so many ways and Kurt shouldn't think about it, really, but he can't make his mind shut up.
He still has feelings for Sebastian. That's not news, exactly, and the feelings are still undefined and fuzzy around the edges, he doesn't know what he's feeling, just that he still feels something. Logically, Kurt knows he'll always feel something for Sebastian, because it's inevitable. But he's also pretty sure that he shouldn't be feeling like this for Sebastian while he's engaged to Blaine. It's-he's not in love with Sebastian, but there's something more than just plain platonic friendly affection, too.
Whether or not Sebastian feels the same, Kurt has no idea. They've been apart for too long, have changed too much for Kurt to be able to read him, but it doesn't really matter. Kurt has complicated, more-than-platonic feelings for someone who is not his fiancé, and he needs to make them go away. So he throws himself into wedding plans.
That is how Blaine finds him when he comes home late on Sunday evening. Kurt has barely left the couch, but he has eaten something and he laid down to take a nap somewhere around really late or very early. He's running on too much coffee and not enough sleep, and he jumps when Blaine lays a hand on his neck.
"Hey," Blaine says, and he sounds tired and worried. "What are you doing?"
"Planning." Kurt tugs Blaine down so he can give him a kiss, then grabs one of the magazines. "Look," he says, flipping to one of the post-its. "I figured, if we do like this, we can-"
"Kurt," Blaine says, cutting him off and grabbing the magazine to close it and put it back on the couch. "It's eleven pm. Let's talk about it tomorrow, okay?"
"Yeah, I just-"
"No, come on, I haven't slept properly in a week, I need to go to bed." He takes Kurt by the hand and pulls him up, and Kurt goes with him, reluctantly.
The exhaustion hits Kurt hard when they're standing hip to hip in the bathroom, though, brushing their teeth, and he barely has enough energy to pull the covers up over his stomach.
"I've missed you," Blaine says, crawling into the bed and curling up with his arm around Kurt's waist and his head on Kurt's chest. "Missed this."
"Mm," Kurt hums, not at all agreeing, but lifts a heavy arm to tangle his fingers in Blaine's curls. Maybe it gets better.
x
The following week is weird and hard. Kurt throws himself into the wedding planning as much as he can, but as he tries to inquire Blaine about his preferences on everything from food to flowers, Blaine is growing more and more distant.
At the same time, Kurt has tried to cut off all contact with Sebastian. He tells himself it's just temporary, that he just needs to get back on track with Blaine, needs to find the right place with him again. Hopefully his-feelings for Sebastian will be gone by then, but if not, he'll deal with it when the time comes. He doesn't reply to Sebastian's texts anymore, and it takes a couple of days, but eventually Sebastian gets the hint and stops texting him.
Kurt can't seem to stop himself from wanting Sebastian to keep texting him, though, and he doesn't even realize how bad it's become until he's sitting on the couch with Blaine one night, watching a movie, when Blaine says, "Are you expecting a call or something?"
Kurt jerks and looks over at him. "No. Why? Should I be?"
Blaine shrugs. "I don't know. But you keep looking at your phone every thirty seconds, and I've lost count on how many times you've checked if the sound is still on."
"Do I?" Kurt says, genuinely surprised, and glances down at his phone where it's laying beside him on the couch. As he does it, the motion feels familiar, and he realizes that Blaine is right. "I'm sorry, I didn't even realize," he says, and turns off the sound and shoves the phone under a pillow. He gives Blaine a quick smile, then turns his attention back to the TV.
It takes him two minutes to realize how much he'd looked at his phone before, because now he gets painfully aware that he can't look. It's stupid, it's so, so stupid, because he's not even expecting Sebastian to text him. He's read at the last text in his inbox, Fine. Call me when you get your shit together. Or don't, whatever, more times than he can count, and it was sent three days ago. He aches to reply, to tell Sebastian everything, and have Sebastian tell him what to do in return, but he can't. He needs to fix this thing with Blaine, and it won't work if Sebastian is involved, not even as some kind of moral support.
x
The thing is, it's hard to fix things with Blaine when Blaine doesn't seem to want the same thing. Kurt feels as if their roles are reversed, with him being completely wrapped up in planning, and Blaine answering his questions with hums or shrugs.
"Did you see Sebastian when I was away?" he asks over dinner one night.
"Yes. We had drinks. I told you we would, didn't I? Because I could've sworn I-"
"Kurt, it's okay. I was just asking. I know you said."
"Oh. Okay."
"Did anything-I don't think you did anything, but-did anything happen? Because that's him you've been not-talking too, right?"
"Nothing happened," Kurt says sharply. "But yes, it's him."
"Why?" Blaine asks. When Kurt just looks at him, he adds, "Why aren't you talking to him? If nothing happened, then why-"
"I just don't want to," Kurt says, cutting him off. "What's the point?"
Blaine frowns at him. "Because you said you wanted to be friends again? I mean, I'm not gonna force you to talk to him, I was just wondering. It seemed a bit sudden."
"I just don't want to," Kurt repeats, and to his relief, Blaine leaves it at that. Kurt is pretty sure the explanation I can't talk to him because I'm trying to get over my feelings for him and fall back in love with you would've gotten him kicked out of the apartment.
x
After that, Blaine gets into the wedding planning a bit more. He indulges Kurt in fabric choices and cake recipes, and while they're still undecided about spring or fall, they do manage to make some decisions.
They spend a whole night discussing possible honeymoon locations, and it isn't until they're in bed, loose and sleepy from their orgasms, that it hits Kurt.
"We should go to Tokyo," he says, almost sitting up with the surge of energy from this idea. It's brilliant, how didn't he think of it before?
"Tokyo?" Blaine says, utterly confused. "Why should we go there?"
Kurt looks at him. "You've always wanted to go there?"
Blaine frowns. "No? I don't want to go to Tokyo? Or, I mean, it would definitely be cool, but it's not like I dream about it?"
Kurt stares at him for a few seconds before it hits him. He's so ashamed that he blushes and averts his gaze from Blaine's, lies down and tries to calm down his beating heart. "I guess I must've dreamed it, then," he mumbles, pulling Blaine close so he doesn't have to see his face.
Blaine doesn't reply.
x
The Sunday two weeks past The Weekend and Blaine's coming home, Kurt gives himself a break from the planning. While Blaine cleans up from their breakfast, Kurt settles on the couch with a book, prepared to spend at least a couple of hours losing himself in another world.
It lasts for about ten minutes, then Blaine comes out from the kitchen and settles on the couch beside him. Kurt gives him a cursory glance, and sees that he's angled towards Kurt, looking like he's bracing himself.
"We need to talk," he says, when he sees that Kurt has noticed him. He sounds dead serious, and Kurt has a nagging suspicion about where this conversation is heading.
"Okay," he says, marking his place in the book and putting it down.
Blaine takes a deep breath. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Yeah. But you don't-" Blaine cuts himself off and sighs. "God, this is the hardest thing I've ever-" He drags a hand through his hair and swallows heavily. He's choking up, Kurt can tell. "I love you, Kurt, so much, but-" He fiddles with the ring on his finger. "I'd really, really like to blame this on Sebastian, but..."
Kurt desperately wants to cut him off, force him to just say what he wants to say, but he can't. He has to let Blaine talk, but he doesn't want to hear it. It's inevitable, Kurt knows that, but he still doesn't want to hear it.
"This has been going on for a while," Blaine continues. "But I really think that-" He blinks, and the tears start falling down his cheeks.
"Blaine," Kurt says, reaching over and grabbing his hand. He's not surprised to find he sounds as choked up as Blaine does.
"I love you, but I don't think we should get married."
Kurt is crying now, too, but he doesn't object. "I love you," he repeats instead. Blaine nods, wiping his tears even though he's still crying.
"I know. I know, but it's not enough. I wish it was, I really do, but-Kurt, since you met Sebastian a few weeks ago, you've been-"
"But you just said it wasn't-"
"It isn't. Not just. But can you honestly say you don't have any feelings for him?"
"Blaine, that doesn't matter," Kurt tries, but they both know his heart isn't in it.
"It does. A year ago it wouldn't have mattered, we would've made it through, but now..." Blaine trails off, and Kurt doesn't know what to say. Blaine is right, Kurt can't object, but it hurts too much to agree.
"I don't want to do this," Kurt says, trying to keep his breathing under control.
"Me neither," Blaine says, clutching Kurt's hand hard. "But you need an honest chance with Sebastian."
"No, I don't," Kurt whimpers, because right now, that's so very far from what he wants.
"Yes, you do. And if-If it doesn't work out, with Sebastian, then maybe-But you need to try."
"Blaine, this is insane, we can't just...break it off."
"Yes, we can. Kurt, if we're meant to be, then-it'll work out, sooner or later. But if not, we shouldn't-we shouldn't force it."
"But we have to work for it, things don't just work out in a relationship, Blaine, come on."
Kurt doesn't even know why he's forcing this. He agrees with Blaine, but it still feels so wrong to break off an engagement. It feels like a failure, a big, massive failure, and Kurt doesn't know how to deal with this. He's been entertaining the thought, sure, but to actually break off the engagement-it's not something he's ever seen himself doing.
"We have worked for it," Blaine says, reaching up to wipe away Kurt's tears. "We have, baby."
Kurt drags in a shaky breath to steady himself, but it has the opposite effect and he starts to sob instead. By instinct, Blaine grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him close, hugging him hard and crying, too. Kurt is sobbing into his shoulder and he has no idea how long they sit like that, desperately clutching to each other and crying.
"I still love you," Kurt says when they finally separate. His voice is rough and his eyes are hurting, and he feels as crappy as Blaine looks.
"I know. I love you, too."
They're silent for a whole, wiping their eyes and sniffling. "So, what do we do now?" Kurt asks.
"I don't know."
"I should leave, probably."
"You don't have to do that."
"I know. But I need to. A couple of days, at least."
"Okay. Just-don't feel like you have to, because-"
"I know," Kurt says, squeezing Blaine's knee reassuringly. "I know." He leans in and presses a soft kiss to Blaine's cheek, then stands up. "I'm gonna...go pack a bag."
x
At first, Kurt thinks about going over to Rachel's, but he reconsiders that pretty quickly when he realizes the interrogation he'll be put through. Without really thinking about where he's heading, he ends up at the bus station. He stands there, staring at the departures table, and realizes he wants to go home. He can't take the bus, it takes forever, but he knows he has enough money to fly. He takes up his phone and looks up flights, then takes off to the right airport.
He's almost in a trance all through buying a ticket, security check, and then wandering around the airport waiting for his boarding time. He should probably call someone, call his dad at least, tell him he's coming home, but he can't bring himself to do it. He doesn't want to explain, doesn't want to say it out loud, because if he does, it will become real. Logically, he already knows it's real, he's in the airport, but-it still doesn't feel real. Kurt looks down at his hands, and starts when he realizes he's still wearing his ring. The ring that he doesn't even like god damn it, but taking it off feels weird. Wrong. He still does it. He slides it off, turns it around in his hand, then puts it in his pocket. It's over. It's really over. He's not engaged anymore.
x
He thinks about calling his dad in the airport while he's waiting for a cab, but he still can't bring himself to do it. A little surprise has never hurt anyone. He thinks it again when he's in the cab, the driver thankfully silent, but still-he can't.
At the last minute, Kurt changes his mind. "Turn right here, please," he says, leaning forward. "I don't know the exact address, but I know the way."
x
Kurt is not sure about this, at all, but it's the only place he can think of. The only place where he won't get judged, where he won't get asked two billion questions, the only place he'll be able to relax.
He takes a deep breath, and knocks on the door.
x
It takes a while, Kurt knocks another time, but eventually, Sebastian opens the door. He's dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt that has a hole on the chest, his hair is a mess and he's wearing glasses.
"Kurt," he says, staring at him. "What are you doing here?"
"I didn't know you wore glasses," Kurt blurts out, because it's the first thing he can think of.
Sebastian raises an eyebrow. "I do. They help me see. Which is why I'm pretty sure you're standing on my porch, after ignoring me for two weeks."
"I'm sorry, I just-didn't know where else to go. Blaine and I..." Kurt holds up his hand, now ring-less. He can't say the words, he just presses his lips together and hopes Sebastian gets it.
"Oh." He does.
"I'll go somewhere else if you don't want to-I know I have no right to assume anything, but-"
"I'm leaving," Sebastian says, cutting him off. "For Paris. In three days."