DISCLAIMER: I own nothing. Not one scrap of Doctor Who.
A/N: Well, I really have finished another chapter. Actually I planned this to be the last for this part. But then I redecided and now I will add an epilogue to it. But not right now, it's still just halfway finished. But for now this chapter is finished. And I hope it will answer some questions. But for now go and read. And, by the by, for those who are interested, why it sometimes takes that longbetween updates, please take a look at the A/N at the end of this chapter.
Chapter 13 – Follow Through
So, since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
You to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
- Follow Through – Gavin DeGraw -
They had entered the Torchwood Tower with ease and reached the roof shortly after.
Shadow walked a bit around the roof and then indicated for River to sit down on the edge of the roof, which she did. Shadow sat down behind her, encircled her with her arms and laid her chin on River's shoulder. River hummed contently, which brought a genuine smile on Shadow's features.
"Do you know which way we're facing?" Shadow broke the silence after a while.
"No. Which?" River turned her head a bit.
"East. And it's just before dawn." Shadow looked out over the area. The sky was absolutely clear and in a greyish color but lighting already. "I want to show you what I do after every night that I had to fight and use my darker side to get something."
"Really? What is it?" River asked, though at the same time knew she wouldn't get an answer. But she treasured that Shadow was showing her these little things that were quite private for her.
"Patience, my dear. Patience is a virtue, after all." They shared a smile.
"But who wants to be so full of virtue?" River replied jokingly.
"Alright alright. But look, here it comes." Shadow pointed at the horizon in front of them.
The first rays of sunlight were appearing and shortly after the sun started her journey across the sky, bathing it in several different shades of rose and pink. Shadow took a deep breath, closed her eyes and released it in a sigh.
"It's absolutely breathtaking. Thank you for showing me." River said slightly emotional.
"My pleasure." Shadow hugged her a bit more tightly. "You are important to me after all. Very important. And that's why I want you to have this." Shadow drew her old scanner from her pocket.
"But that's your scanner. You'll need this." River tried to object.
"Yes, it is. But it's my old one." To show it, she took out her other one. "See? They're slightly different. My old one doesn't have a touch screen and a few less functions. But essentially it's the same. I think it might be of use to you. More than to me anyway."
"Well, that's very kind of you. Thank you." River took the scanner from Shadow. "And what's it's main function?"
"Here, let me show you." Shadow pointed to a switch. "Here you turn it on." Once turned on the screen showed a few options, 'Information', 'Communication', 'Data Modification' and 'Settings'. "These are the main functions. 'Settings' is pretty self-explanatory. You can change the color of the writing and the brightness of the screen and stuff like that. 'Communication' means you can use it like a walkie-talkie or a phone. Also there is an instant messaging option with which you can connect to almost every instant messenger."
"Almost every?" River asked in between.
"Yeah, at the time I build that one, I hadn't every IM protocol. I think I still haven't but mine has an adapting software that tries to decipher protocols and stuff to enable communication." Shadow explained.
"And the other two options?"
"'Information' is where you can get information about anything and everything. It connects to available sources, on Earth usually the internet and from there even protected databases. That function is courtesy of Torchwood. Jack gave me the program and I tweaked it a little so that it can understand other source forms. And finally we have 'Data Modification'. That's where you'll find the options 'Hacking' and 'Lock picking'. 'Hacking' is when you need to access a computer system that is not connected to a centralized database. And 'Lock picking' means you can connect this scanner with the right cable to external locking systems like retina scanners, code locks or hand scanners. Everything that is an electronic lock."
"Wow, that's actually a lot this little thing is capable of. What's the base technology?" River wondered.
"A PDA. And a few other parts. All put together and then made compatible." Shadow tried not to go into detail about how she assembled the scanner. "And my new one is based on a smartphone. Hence the touchscreen."
"Alright. I'll use it wisely. And no one will ever know where I got it." After that a companionable silence fell on them again.
River sighed after a while. She felt something wasn't quite right with Shadow and supposed it was something big. So she asked to take the burden off Shadow to begin telling her. "Why did you bring me here?"
"To say goodbye." Shadow exhaled. "Well...actually I don't want to say goodbye. Don't get me wrong. But we will have to part ways."
"Why?!" River exclaimed.
"Again, have a little patience and let me explain." Shadow smiled sadly. "It's not our time to be together. Not yet. You will have to go back to him. To the Doctor. He needs someone that loves him and won't give up to save him when he pushes everyone away in an attempt to be heroic." River twitched in disagreement but Shadow rushed to continue. "I won't vanish completely. Don't worry. I'll be around. Just try to keep me away." She smirked. "But whenever you see a sunrise, wherever you are, remember this one. And remember that I give you my word that I'll be there whenever you need me. And I'll be dropping by whenever I can and it's save for us. Or not, depends on where we'll go." She chuckled slightly.
River leaned her head back on Shadow's shoulder and looked up, contemplating. "Why do you like the sunrise that much?"
Shadow had to smile at this. River seemed to postpone her outburst.
"Some time ago I was in hell. A war I had to take part in. It left its traces on me. But every sunrise marked a new day. Another night I had survived. And it became a habit of mine to watch the sunrise whenever I had to resort to my darker side. It calms me. It tells me that I have made it through another night."
"Which war?" River had indeed decided to tell Shadow how insane she was later. Now she wanted to gather a few more information about her.
"A war I shouldn't even have been a part of. The war. The Last Great Time War."
"But that's supposed to be time locked."
"Yes, it is. And I know how he did it. But that didn't stop Time from sending me there...twice."
"That's why you've been a sniper and a medic. You couldn't risk crossing your own paths."
"Correct. And now that I'm through with this, I have tons of knowledge about Time Lord physiology. Stuff I will probably not need."
"But it might come in handy someday. You never know." They looked at each other and something occurred to Shadow.
"I have an idea. But maybe...nah." River looked at Shadow with a look that clearly said: Not again.
"Alright. I just wanted to ask you, if you maybe want to have a connection to my mind? Something that works with low-level telepathy and comes through to me even if I have my guard and walls firmly in place. Something you can silently call me with and we can communicate over. Even over time and space. But the further we are apart the longer it takes to receive it and the more exhausting it is. But it will definitely reach me and I will always answer your call." Shadow explained.
"I don't think I have inherited a Time Lord's telepathic abilities." River replied unsure.
"Doesn't matter. Anyone can do that. It's just a matter of will. And you have a very strong will." Shadow reassured.
"Well in that case, I think it would erase some complications with communication between us. But how are you gonna do it?"
"Like this." And Shadow laid her forehead against River's temple. First River gasped then moaned and shuddered a bit. And as soon as it started, it was finished.
"Sorry. Should have warned you that it might be a bit intense." Shadow said sheepishly.
"No...no. It's quite alright." River replied a bit spaced out. "Just didn't expect it to be this...intense."
"Like being branded. First it hurts and then it stops. But it will stay with you forever. Anyway..." Shadow took a look at the sky. "...I think we should leave now. Or Sarah Jane might wonder were we are. And I don't really want to lie to her."
"Me neither. She seems like a really nice person."
"She is. After you got past the icy exterior." Shadow got up and helped River up.
They sneaked out the building again and got on the underground back home.
Whilst they were turning into the entrance, Shadow nudged River and established eye contact.
Don't look alarmed but I think Ms Welsh is watching us. Shadow grinned. River looked confused but it dawned on her that Shadow had just used the telepathic connection. It was definitely something special. She concentrated and thought back.
Let her. I don't have a problem with it, if you don't. River shrugged and smiled encouragingly. And that prompted Shadow to step closer and take her hand, intertwining their fingers.
Oh, River Song, the things you make me do. Shadow laughed a little.
They reached the door and before Shadow could open it, it flew open and behind it stood a very stern looking Sarah Jane. Shadow, as well as River, looked caught like a deer in the headlights. And then very contrite.
"And where have you been?" She started in a voice cold as ice, without letting them in.
"We watched the sunrise at Canary Wharf." Shadow spoke in a very small voice, very submissive.
"The whole night?"
"No. But we went out and I showed her a bit around town."
Sarah Jane mustered both very closely and then stepped inside with the words. "Come in. Breakfast's just ready."
River and Shadow looked at each other, the tension leaving their bodies, and then stepped inside.
And indeed in the kitchen the table was set for three people and in the middle stood a big flower bouquet. They took their seats and started breakfast.
"I got an early delivery this morning." Sarah Jane started, pointing to the flowers.
"Yeah? They're really nice." Shadow supplied.
"Yes, they are. Thank you." Sarah Jane directed at Shadow.
"My pleasure."
"So...what are you doing when you're not in prison, River?" Sarah Jane then asked.
"Well...I had just gotten my doctorate in archaeology, before..." River trailed off.
"Oh, that's new information. So it's actually Doctor River Song." Shadow interjected, knowing that it was hard for River to speak about what she had had to do.
"Yes, it is. Got a problem with it?" River defended.
"No. But I might call you Doctor from now on."
"Don't you dare!" River shot a threatening look at Shadow.
"What are you gonna do to stop me?" Shadow challenged.
"You'll find out."
Just then Sarah Jane couldn't hold in the laughter anymore. She found it hilarious. Both looked at her with confusion clearly written on their faces.
"You two are a match made in heaven and hell. Completely hilarious. It's like listening to an old married couple bickering." Sarah Jane finally said after she had calmed down enough.
"You are actually the second person to say that." Shadow put forward.
"Maybe they're right and we really behave like an old married couple." River worriedly looked at Shadow.
"You think?" Shadow had her forehead in creases. River shrugged in response.
"And how old are you?" Sarah Jane didn't want that the two broke her kitchenware whilst clearing the table. The tension already rose again.
"Well...I'm not so sure. With the different ways of measuring a year and all. But I think I'm about 30 to 35 years old, all in all."
"So you're quite young actually." Sarah Jane said.
"Compared to the Doctor, yes, I am." River smiled.
"But what really interests me is what your sentence is. You are in a high security prison, where only high profile criminals are send that have very long sentences, like 400 or 500 life sentences. How many did they give you?" Shadow inquired.
"12,000 consecutive." River deadpanned.
"That's...that's a lot." Shadow was a bit stunned. "And how about a possibility to apply for probation?"
"Not that I know. But maybe I'll try that in a few years. And in a few decades I might be able to even try to earn my pardon."
"But only with good conduct. And I don't really think breaking out is good conduct." Shadow said jokingly.
"Maybe not. But this is only my second escape." River then added under her breath. "In the first week."
"Beg your pardon?" Sarah Jane had heard it. "Your second escape. And you're only imprisoned for a week?"
"5 days to be exact." River's sassy side came through.
"Well, maybe next week will be better." Shadow interfered before Sarah Jane could get excited about it.
I don't think so. The Doctor said he'd be back next week. River thought at Shadow.
But that might very well be next month with his timing. Shadow thought back.
Sarah Jane narrowed her eyes. "What are you two doing?"
"Nothing." They answered in unison.
"Tell me..." She warned.
"We have a telepathic connection now. My idea. Saves time and energy. And we can communicate through time and space." Shadow explained.
"And you're using it for dirty conversations."
"No." Shadow tried to convince her with success. For the moment.
"At least something."
"We don't always need to be dirty. We can be very not dirty when we want to. Don't underestimate us." Shadow mocked.
"I never underestimate what I see with my own eyes and know what it is. Therefore...you cannot not be dirty in conversations. And when it's not with words, it's with looks. Don't you underestimate me. I know how it feels. And I think it's wonderful that you two found each other and it doesn't matter how complicated your situation might be, you will brave it when you just stick together." And with that, Sarah Jane packed her breakfast stuff together and brought it to the sink. Turning around she asked the other women. "And what do you plan on doing today?"
"I think sleeping is a good option. Don't you think?" Shadow replied.
"Yes. Sleeping would be good. I'm a bit tired." River agreed.
"Fine then. But don't make a ruckus. I'll be in the attic and work on an article. At least until the kids come." Sarah Jane made to go but turned around in the doorway again. "Oh, and could you be bothered to wash the dishes?"
"Of course. We'll do it. See you later." Shadow nodded and Sarah Jane could be heard ascending the stairs moments later.
A few minutes later, they finished breakfast, washed the dishes and went to Shadow's room.
Shadow gave River a shirt and they went to bed. Both sleeping for a change cuddled up into each others arms.
When they woke up again, it was early afternoon. They laid in bed together absolutely relaxed and calm. Contend with looking into each others eyes.
"Do you know that there is a light golden glow in your eyes?" River asked quietly.
"No, I didn't. But I guess that has to do with my heritage." Shadow smiled.
"And what is your heritage? Apart from the Doctor."
"The Bad Wolf." The glow got a bit more intense for a moment.
"I..." River frowned. "I've actually heard of that. But nothing substantial. Only a floating line that is consistent through the ages."
"A floating line?" Shadow raised an eyebrow.
"'When the Storm is facing death, the Wolf will come and save it.' Sometimes it's used as a warning, sometimes as a prayer and even at other times it's said to be a prophecy. I don't know what it means, actually. But from what I gathered it has something to do with the Doctor."
Shadow chuckled. "Of course it has. He's the Oncoming Storm, after all. But the line refers to the year 200,100 when the Daleks take Earth and almost destroy the whole population. The Doctor was on a space station in the orbit at that time and uncovered their plot. That battle had lots of casualties, by the way. Anyway, when there was no way out but a Delta Wave to destroy the whole Dalek fleet, he sent my mother home in the TARDIS, never to return for him. She didn't take it that easily. She ripped open the TARDIS console and looked into the heart of the TARDIS. She became the Bad Wolf and saved the Doctor. And incidentally wiped out the entire Dalek race with a wave of her hand and brought Jack back to life, for good. She would've died but he took the vortex energy from her and released it back into the TARDIS. But it killed him. And then he became the regeneration that conceived me."
River laid there, staring into space for a few moments before speaking again. "So, the Bad Wolf is the heart of the TARDIS?"
"No, the Bad Wolf is a goddess-like entity that has control over time, life and matter. Seeing everything there was, is and ever could be. It just used the TARDIS to hide away until its moment came." Shadow explained.
"But if the Bad Wolf is a goddess-like entity and your mother became the Bad Wolf that would mean you're a descendent of it. And that would make you really powerful."
"Hmm...but my mother doesn't have the powers anymore and the Wolf left her."
"But if it could see everything, don't you think it saw the separation of your parents and tried everything in it's power to keep them together or reunite them? Don't forget that time is a tricky construct and we have to be damn careful if we change something." River tried to reason.
"Maybe." Shadow thought hard. "Maybe it...no." She shook her head.
"What? Maybe it what?" River thought she knew what Shadow tried to figure out, but also knew that sometimes it's hard to see the tree for the woods.
"Maybe it remained in her. As a remnant." Shadow spoke her eyes not really focused on anything.
"And?" River pushed a little.
"And...maybe it...went into me." She hesitated a moment. "And the voice in my head is actually the Bad Wolf." Shadow looked up, looking out of the window. "But why?"
To guide you. To protect you. To lead you to reunite with both your parents. Because only you can reunite them when the time comes. Shadow felt a warmth that might be the equivalent of a smile.
But I'm just a girl with a tragic background. I'm nothing special. She tried to deny the truth.
Ask River if you're nothing special. You might find she has a very different opinion on that. And don't you think that everything happens for a reason and you two are meant to be?
But you said, I'd have to send her away again. And now I know why I have to do it. So, how can we be meant for each other?
Think. It's not your time, yet. And I will give you this little hint to the future of you two. Your time will come when your lives will end but not your story. And Shadow felt the presence disappear again.
When she broke out of her haze again, River looked at her questioningly.
"Just had a nice chat." Shadow replied to the unspoken question.
"You actually have conversations with it?" River asked disbelievingly.
"Yep. But they usually raise more questions than answers are given." Shadow snorted.
"About what did you talk?"
"Us. You and me." Shadow simply stated.
"Oh, what did it say?" River was intrigued.
"'Your time will come when your lives will end but not your story.' Don't ask me what it means."
"That's interesting. Nothing straight forward but something to work with." River shrugged.
"Something to make you think." Shadow added before they fell silent.
After a while, Shadow looked at River with a serious yet playful expression and smirked.
"You know what I think I'll do?" She stated nonchalantly.
"No." River asked narrowing her eyes in curiosity. "What?"
"I think I'm going to take a shower in the bathroom across the hall." Shadow whispered, a promising and somewhat lecherous smile playing on her lips. That said, Shadow got up gracefully and went for the door. Before opening it, she turned around, winked at River and then quickly left the room.
River's mouth fell open. She couldn't believe it. Did Shadow really just imply…? But who was she to look a gift horse in the mouth? Hence, River jumped at the chance, stood up and hurried over the hall and into the bathroom.
The water was already running, flooding the room with a hot and steamy atmosphere, when she silently closed the door behind her. Quickly shedding her clothes, River sneaked over to the shower curtain.
Drawing it a bit aside she then moved in behind Shadow, swiftly placing her hands at each side of the other, thereby effectively pinning Shadow against the wall. "You are evil." River whispered huskily into Shadow's ear, nibbling at her ear lobe for emphasis.
"Thank you. I know." Shadow smirked again.
"And you are going to pay." River promised ominously, ghosting her hands over Shadow's body, eliciting a quiet moan in response.
Letting her hands wander a lazy path all across Shadow's enticing body, River let her mouth drop from Shadow's ear to her neck, her tongue caressing another sensitive spot she had found earlier. Slightly biting into it, River took turns with soothing her efforts on Shadow, and then kept repeating the process.
Meanwhile River's hands, too, were driving Shadow into sweet oblivion; working her full breasts in a manner that could only be described as effective and experienced.
Shadow writhed and bucked in pleasure but whenever she came near her release, River would decrease her ministrations to cruelly pull her from the edge. That torturous game went on for quite some time until Shadow couldn't take it anymore, desperately craving for release.
"Please." She begged, panting heavily. "I can't... Just, please."
"All you had to do was ask." River whispered smugly. Promptly letting her hands drop to Shadow's nether regions and in no time allowed her to fall over the edge. Which she did quite vocally; a sound of gleeful bliss echoing from the damp walls of the bath room as River caught her when Shadow's legs refused to hold her.
Coming down from her high, Shadow turned around and looked at River. "Now who's the evil one?" She asked, a lopsided grin adorning her face.
"You only got what you deserved." River replied innocently, returning the grin.
"Well, in that case." A devilish look crept on Shadow's features. "I probably should thank you in some way." And she grabbed River and reversed their positions, which wasn't easy to do since it was quite slippery in the shower and it would not do good if they fell and injured themselves. And it would be quite embarrassing, too.
As soon as Shadow had River pinned against the wall, she started to snog her senseless, to begin with.
When they finally left the bathroom, it was almost time for the afternoon tea.
On Shadow's bed were River's clothes from the day before, freshly cleaned.
"Sarah Jane must've washed them." Shadow's gaze wandered to the hem of the shirt. "And seemingly stitched up the bottom."
"At least I won't run around like I was attacked by a rabid dog." River threw in.
Shadow looked to the floor. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." River laid a hand on Shadow's shoulder. "You did what you thought was right. Although I could complain about your methods, they were working."
They got dressed and then went down to the kitchen. And with a cup of tea each they ascended the stairs again, this time heading for the attic.
Inside sat Sarah Jane at her desk and the kids sat around on the steps, doing their homework.
"What did I say about making a ruckus?" Looking up, Sarah Jane admonished, then turned around.
River and Shadow looked at each other and the said in unison. "Sorry."
"Just make sure to not repeat it when there are people around that are not of age." A giggle could be heard from the direction of Clyde, prompting Shadow to send a death glare in his direction that effectively shut him up and frightened him a bit.
River stepped close to Shadow and whispered in her ear. "Don't kill the boy." And over their connection she added. Let me do it. That prompted a predatory grin from Shadow and consequently she stepped aside to let River pass.
River advanced on Clyde smoothly as if she were a cat stalking its prey, which in some sense he was. Shadow noticed Sarah Jane get queasy at her desk because she didn't know what the two had planned. Shadow stepped over and laid a hand on her shoulder conveying that everything was alright and there was no threat.
River meanwhile had reached Clyde and looked down. Rani, a few feet away, remained silent but subconsciously made herself a bit smaller. Clyde sensed that he was in deep trouble right now. He didn't really know this River before him but knew she had to be something if Shadow was so fond of her. And the thought alone frightened him. But now that River was directly in front of him and establishing contact on eye level with that grin of hers, he was ready to run away. He was really scared shitless.
Then she let her gaze drop to the floor and when she looked up a second later there was a deadly look in her eyes. For a few seconds everyone in the room held their breath. And then River pushed herself a bit forward with a "Boo!".
Clyde literally jumped backwards and landed in front of Mr Smith.
Shadow broke out in laughter, heavily leaning on Sarah Jane's desk for support, joined by River. Even Rani could be heard giggling a bit. Clyde just looked incredulous.
"I knew you're good but that was just...bloody brilliant." Shadow said after she had finally calmed down a bit again. River just shrugged whilst walking back to Shadow's side.
"I don't know what was so funny. She almost killed me." Clyde tried to get a bit of compassion.
"Nah. She wouldn't have killed you. But that should've taught you a lesson. Never mess with assassins. And definitely not with sociopathic psychopaths." Shadow advised.
River stood next to Shadow, one arm loosely draped over her lower back. They emitted an aura of unity. One front, taking on whatever the universe might throw in their direction.
Sarah Jane smiled. She knew these two probably didn't even realize what they had. She stood up and stretched a bit and then asked. "So, any plans for today, now that you're well rested?"
A look of sadness crossed Shadow's face for the fraction of a second. "Well, the weather's nice. Maybe we'll sit in the garden and talk a bit." And after a moment of thought she added. "And don't be disturbed, if it should become a bit louder."
"Alright." Sarah Jane nodded.
River and Shadow went outside then. The three persons left in the attic looked at each other.
"What was that last bit supposed to mean?" Asked Rani.
Sarah Jane sighed heavily. "They have to come to an understanding, I'm afraid. And I don't think it will come as easily as it should."
Clyde raised his brows questioningly. "And that shall explain it how?"
"We just have to wait and see, I believe."
Outside, the two young women had made themselves comfortable on the bench.
A silence enveloping them that they knew couldn't last. One of them had to breach the subject eventually.
River knew that Shadow was unwilling to do it because she feared rejection. And although River also knew that Shadow had no reason to think so, she could understand why she thought so.
So River decided to take it upon herself.
"So...about earlier..." She dragged out. Shadow closed her eyes and grimaced a little.
"What about it?" Shadow tried to be nonchalant.
"You know I don't agree to what you said. I think it's a very stupid idea actually."
"Well, I'm known for my stupid ideas." Shadow tried to joke, unsuccessfully. River just glared at her.
"Would you just be serious for a moment, please."
"Sorry. Alright." Shadow nodded. "You know it can't be changed. It's fixed."
"Nonsense. It's not fixed." River deflected.
"Yes, it is. The problem is, whilst it seems that it is not fixed, and looking at one single timeline it actually might not be fixed, there are too many timelines involved in this matter that we could just change it. Remember what happened when you refused to kill the Doctor?"
"Would it really be that bad?" River doubted.
"I don't know. But I won't risk it. And if that means I have to suffer a bit, I will take that."
"You would voluntarily suffer? Are you some kind of masochist? Don't you think you did enough for the universe to be granted some happiness? Just once?" River's voice steadily rose in volume.
"I am granted happiness." Shadow replied flatly.
"When!?"
"Right now." Shadow smiled.
"And you want to send me away. Why not keep what you have?"
"Because..." Shadow looked for the right words. "Because it doesn't matter what I want." Upon earning a disbelieving look, she clarified. "Not right now, anyway. Maybe in the future. Someday. I don't know. Time is really a pain in the ass sometimes."
"Just sometimes?" River interjected. "Right now it's always."
"Yeah. But that doesn't change what we have to do. We have to part ways nevertheless."
"But I don't want to!" River jumped up, yelling. Shadow knew this was it, the outburst that was coming a long way. Anyhow, she tried to keep calm.
"Do you think I want to? I don't. Like I said, you're the only one of your kind in the whole time-space quadrant and I find you. You're special to me. I really don't want to lose you. But you have to go back. And I will have to remain here. There is no alternative."
"There has to be. Because what if I don't leave? What if I refuse to go? Will you drag me back?" Shadow knew that River's raised voice could probably heard in the entire neighborhood, but she didn't care.
"If I have to."
"What!?" River looked as if she was ready to literally slap some sense into Shadow. "You can't be serious." She shook her head in desperation.
"Unfortunately I am." Shadow immediately recognized the breaking storm in River's eyes.
"Oh, really? Because I think you just want to get rid of me, is that it? Am I not good enough? Or to old? What's your problem? Because I don't really care about Time anymore. And I'm done with sacrificing my whole happiness for it." River stood a few feet away, arms crossed, looking heartbroken and determined at the same time. "Or do you just not care for me and my feelings?" She finally added in a whisper.
Shadow had listened to all of it with a bowed head. She knew she probably deserved to be yelled at. She knew that a week more or two that River stayed wouldn't hurt. But in the end they would hurt them even more.
She got up and slowly walked over to River and tentatively laid her hands on River's crossed arms, trying to catch her eyes.
"I don't have any problem with you. You're not too old for me. Hell, I'm barely younger than you. And I most definitely don't want to get rid of you. If I could, I would never let you out of my sight again." Shadow sighed. "You know...there was also another reason why I left."
"There was? Which?" River knew she couldn't stay mad at Shadow for long when she looked this distraught.
"This." Shadow simply stated. "I didn't want to cause more pain than I had to. It took all my strength to leave. When I stood at the door, ready to leave, I almost didn't because I already..." Shadow couldn't say it. "Well, anyway, I knew it would probably hurt you that I left but in the end I thought it better when we didn't get attached to each other for it would hurt like hell to part again. And that we had to part again, I knew even before we escaped Stormcage." A little bitter laugh escaped Shadow.
"But I didn't let you go. And I really couldn't have, even if I wanted." River admitted.
"Yeah. And now look where it has brought us. We're struggling against each other for what is right. But I think we both know the answer. It just is a matter of stubbornness that we don't want to accept it."
"So you think I'm stubborn?" River looked incredulous.
"Well, I'm stubborn too, but I don't rage against the inevitable. It's too much of an effort." Shadow smiled.
"The inevitable?" River sighed heavily. "But what about us? What happens to us after we part?"
"I already told you that I won't vanish completely. I couldn't, even if I tried. I will come visit every now and again."
"But it's still not fair. Why does the universe or Time or whatever being is in charge here plot against us? Why not grant us some peace and joy?"
"Although you probably won't like the answer, I'm going to give it to you anyhow. There are too many timelines involved in this situation. Yours, mine, the Doctor's, my mother's, your parents'. If we would stay together, all these timelines would have to be rewritten. And in these timelines are fixed points that can't be rewritten and these would be affected, consequently leading to the breaking of Time because suddenly the requirements for the fixed point to happen aren't there anymore. True, Time has the tendency to try and patch up things that change to preserve the unchangeable events, but here it's too direct, too abrupt for Time to gloss over these things." Shadow moved back to the bench, sitting down.
"I still don't like it." River grudgingly admitted and sat down next to Shadow.
"I don't either. But what can we do? Getting upset won't help the situation." Shadow shrugged.
"Probably not. But still you haven't answered my question completely. What about us? What will we do after we part ways?" River knew it was risky to push Shadow now but she wanted a straight answer.
"You go back to Stormcage and I stay here. We will live as if we didn't know each other. As if we had never met. You go back to him and be the one that won't let him die. He doesn't need to know every reason why he shouldn't die. You love him?"
"Yes, I do. But what does that matter?" River gave a straight, honest answer, although she had a few nagging doubts that Shadow might get jealous.
"It matters." Upon seeing the slightly worried look in River's eyes she assured her. "Don't worry. I won't get jealous and it doesn't bother me. Everybody loves the Doctor. The only differrence is that most get afraid when he gets angry and desperate and slips into the darker side of his personality."
River looked relieved. "I don't."
"And that's another reason why I need you to stay with him. He tends to get lost in the darkness when he is alone for too long. I need you to stay with him in the times he has no one and to encourage him to take someone up again that stays with him."
"You know that that sounds as if you want to shove me aside?" River stated the obvious, at least it seemed so to her.
"I definitely don't want to shove you aside. But, you see, when we are apart and each of us has something to do. A long term goal. Then we won't lose ourselves completely in memories."
"And what will you do?" River raised an eyebrow.
"I'll remain here. Fight and protect these people here. And stay out of sight when the Doctor should decide to drop by." River furrowed her brows.
"Why do you call him 'the Doctor' and not dad or something?"
"I don't know. I guess I just haven't such a connection to him, yet. I know who he is and what he is to me; but I don't see him as that. Maybe when the time is there and he knows who I am, I can establish the emotional connection and call him that."
"But you call your mother 'mother'." River contemplated.
"Well...three years, although I can't remember them, are quite some time to get a connection to a person, especially if it is your mother."
"Three years?" River hadn't expected that. She knew that Shadow had been abducted but that she had been already that old, she didn't expect.
"Sorry. Probably should've told you." Shadow looked sheepishly.
"No, it's alright." River reassured, laying a hand on Shadow's shoulder.
"Anyway...where were we?" Shadow pushed the memories back and focused on the present. "Right. What we're going to do." She drew a breath. "I will be here. But you know, my mission to preserve the timelines lets me roam across space and time. And I will be there whenever you need me."
"And why can't we spend some time away from all this and then return to our places?" River tried to grasp at straws. She still didn't quite accept it.
Shadow lept up. "We're going round in circles, dammit!" She sighed frustratedly. River just looked at her and gave her time.
"It would hurt even more, if we grew even more attached to each other." As if we could. Shadow turned around, drawing a hand through her hair. "Although it might seem like I don't care about your feelings, I care about them more than you think. And that's exactly why I do this here. And anyway, the earlier we part, the earlier we see each other again. And the time we will be apart will be hell for me, too."
"Then why are you not saying 'to hell with all this' and let somebody else care for the timelines?" River tried to push Shadow in a certain direction. She knew that Shadow danced around something and she wanted to know what it was.
"Again with the circles." Shadow exasperately shook her head. "Because I'm the only one with the knowledge to keep them intact. I know what had happened and I'm the only one who can set up some requirements that are needed. Sometimes he barely escaped certain death and usually I was the one responsibe for his survival. Like on Krop Tor."
"Krop Tor?" River asked, she had never heard of that planet.
"Doesn't matter. It's a story for another time." She smiled affectionately at River.
"I just hope there will be another time." River sighed defeatedly. That let Shadow bristle her feathers a bit. She didn't know why though.
"There definitely will be another time. Don't give up now just because you lost the fight. The war isn't over yet." Shadow said sternly.
"I'm not giving up. I'm just facing the facts that there might not be another time when we'll be together like this. You seem to care about me but I don't know if that will be enough."
"It is enough. It's even more than enough." Shadow stood up and started pacing in front of River. "I don't just simply care for you. I..." She trailed of again.
"You what?" River pushed.
"You know." Shadow gesticulated helplessly.
"No. I don't. You've got to tell me." And a bit further along.
"I... I..." She groaned in frustration. "Why is this so hard?"
"Why is what so hard?" By now River had pretty much a clear idea as to what Shadow tried to say. But she didn't leave it, she knew that Shadow would feel better when she had gotten it out.
"Damn. I was never good with this." Now it was Shadow's turn to sigh defeatedly. She decided to just jump the fence. "I love you. No, I don't just love you. I'm absolutely and irrevocably in love with you. You hold power over me that you can't even fathom." Shadow's 'I-don't-care'-mask was firmly in place but behind her eyes laid the fear of rejection clearly written for River.
She got up and walked over, enveloping Shadow in a firm embrace.
"I'm not going anywhere. I will stay with you." River felt Shadow stiffen, ready to argue again that they had to part. "Although we might be parted by time and space. I will be in your mind and with your soul like a ghost following you."
Shadow let herself fall into the reassuring embrace again. "What did I do to deserve you?" She whispered.
"You're you. And that's all that I ask of you. Stay true to who and what you are. Never change that." River smiled, drew back and looked deeply into Shadow's eyes. "For I am indeed absolutely in love with you, too. I would not survive it if you'd stop fighting for what you believe in."
They looked at each other for a moment and then nodded.
"Now, how do you plan on me getting back to Stormcage?" River spoke up.
"Oh, I've got a few ideas." Shadow smirked.
A/N: Now, why does it take so long with the updates? Because currently I'm doing a volunteer service with a christian community. And my working hours are from morning till evening. I don't really have much time apart from weekends and evenings. But when you want to know what I get up to when I'm working, please take a look at my tumblr: wolfthatroamsshadows. tumblr. com (delete spaces).