I is for Immaculate Conception

"You aren't serious," Kurt's eyebrows rose almost to his forehead, and his mouth dropped open as he stared at her, an almost comical expression somewhere between surprise and intense amusement stricken across his features. "You're completely making this up. The irony is much too extreme for you to be telling the truth."

"Believe me, I was telling myself the same damn thing," Santana rolled her eyes as she slumped back against the cushions of their living room couch, putting one foot up on the coffee table and ignoring the pointed stare Kurt gave it in his unspoken request for her to move it back to the floor. "You think I WANTED to do it?"

"Actually, yes. I think you would have thought it was hysterical and orchestrated any way you possibly could to make it happen…you didn't go Tonya Harding on the original girl to set it in motion, did you?" Kurt appeared to be seriously considering this possibility as he narrowed his eyes slightly at her, and Rachel gasped, her eyes even wider than his as she shook her head at him.

"Kurt! What a thing to say! Of course she didn't…right?" she had to ask for confirmation, which Santana gave someone begrudgingly, rolling her eyes again with a loud, exasperated sigh.

"No, she was klutzy enough all on her own. She tripped over the manger an hour before the thing was supposed to start and broke her arm, I wasn't even in the room. If I wanted her laid up in a traction I would have used a more exciting method, like making the ceiling collapse on her or something just when they get to the part about how holy and pure she is. Now that would be hysterical, an unspoken smiting from God plotted in."

"So you're really serious," Kurt confirmed, his lips twitching badly as he suppressed laughter. "You actually…"

"She said she did, didn't she?" Rachel interrupted him; unlike Kurt, she didn't seem to think that Santana's story was a surprise at all. "I don't understand why you think it is so amusing, Kurt. Santana is a skilled performer, as we both saw in West Side Story, and she's a very attractive girl, she would undoubtedly very much look the part of a holy figure such as that. And her voice is amazing, I bet she brought the entire place to tears singing "Silent Night" a capello as she described. And if she had no role and only the one song to sing, there would be little to memorize given that she had never been part of rehearsal, it only makes sense that they would have chosen her, I would have done the same."

"Rachel…let's review," Kurt said slowly, somewhat disbelievingly. "The very conservative Catholic church…the ones who are basically against the existence and personal lives of literally every single person who ever joined the Glee club…recruited SANTANA LOPEZ to play the role of the virgin Mary. Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus. Widely regarded by those who believe in all of that as the most pure and holy woman of all time. Recruited SANTANA LOPEZ."

"It's just playing a part, Kurt…what's so strange about that?" Rachel still appeared not to appreciate this irony. "I have played many characters who certainly were not much like me in behaviors or even appearance, that is all part of being an actress of skill, you simply have to look within yourself to discover who the character is-"

"We know who the character is, Rachel, because everyone's been talking about how perfect she is for 2000 years," Santana snickered, reaching to affectionately pat Rachel's arm nevertheless. Although she couldn't have said so, she did appreciate that Rachel seemed to see absolutely nothing strange or funny about her playing the role of a holy woman; it said a lot to her about how well Rachel regarded her now, or at least her talent. "But let's review. Me: lesbian. Me: Slept with half the boys in our graduating class. Me: Has not been to church without being dragged for about 2 years. Me: Got wasted off your special eggnog two days before Christmas to the point I couldn't get up to go to bed. Me: Literally watched my abuela and several other relatives get a frozen look of horror and on their faces and start crossing themselves and even going so far as to walk out the second they saw me walking down the aisle in a blue robe carrying an ugly baby doll. Me: Ex stripper. Virgin Mary, Mother of Jesus Christ: title says it all. Let's just say I'm shocked it didn't turn into a group stoning."

"But Santana, none of that matters," Rachel insisted, her tone as earnest as her expression as she turned fully towards her roommate, making sure she was looking her in the eye. "None of that really has anything to do with anything…those things are just things you do. Not who you are."

And when Santana thought about it, looking back at her, she wasn't sure she quite believed there was a difference, at least enough of one to justify her playing the Virgin Mary even for one night, but she had to appreciate that Rachel thought so. And when she looked over at Kurt, even he no longer seemed to have a smart comment.

She wanted to thank her, to let her know that what she said meant something to her, that she appreciated it. That she appreciated her. But instead she just smiled, lightly nudged her shoulder into Rachel's, and what came out instead was more typical commentary.

"You're just saying that 'cause you hope I'll put in a word for you to be head angel next year or something, hoping we'll refrain from mentioning all the irony of that."

"Well, I would certainly fit the part better than either you or Kurt," was Rachel's prompt response, even as she nudged Santana back and gave her a playful smile. "It's one thing to give you a robe; a halo would simply be too much."