Like a child on Christmas, Dean couldn't close his eyes, excitement rolling through his body. It wasn't official, but he had a friend. He had an outlet, an ear to listen and a voice to entertain. Sam tried, but it wasn't the same. He had someone who didn't know him, his life, his past and his present. All they knew was what Dean told them, and it comforted him to know that.
He finally fell asleep, curled up comfortably.
His sleep wasn't much better, but he woke up without a nightmare for the first time in months and it almost shocked him. It certainly shocked Sam when he walked out on his own, no fighting or arguing about it.
"You're up."
"I am."
"Nightmare?" Sam had a newspaper open on his lap, one hand holding on to an edge with a cup of coffee in the other. He took a sip out of it, watching Dean amble in to the kitchen.
"Not this time."
His eyes widened. "Really?"
"Really, Sammy. Still tired, though."
"You can sleep more if you want, Dean."
Dean sent him a look. "It's after nine. Time to wake up." He smirked when Sam's eyes narrowed, realizing he was being mocked.
"Time to wake up," he mimicked back, and Dean's smirk turned in to a grin as he poured himself a cup of coffee, moving back to the room where Sam was.
He plopped in to a chair, taking a sip of the bitter concoction. He shook his head, enjoying the jolt. "That's good joe, Sammy."
Sam's lips quirked up. "You're sure chipper."
"It's a good morning."
Sam looked his brother over, taking in his relaxed demeanor and his closed eyes, the cup of coffee pressed to his lips though he wasn't drinking. He couldn't believe that something he'd done was working, even just in the slightest, to help Dean.
"It sure is."
His mood didn't last long, however.
Dean had left to go shower after his coffee, and catching sight of his marred and imperfect reflection in the slowly fogging mirror brought him out of his happier mood and back down in to what he'd been at before.
Sam caught note when he stormed out of the steamy room after about ten minutes, immediately returning to his room where he slammed the door, but not before muttering "Make sure I'm awake by six." to him.
And when he finally got up to see exactly what had happened, he caught sight of the freshly cracked mirror with a shard or two missing toward the center of the fracture, and knew exactly what had happened.
It didn't stop him from waking Dean at six, who was his usually grumpy self. He didn't fight it, however, just grumbling to himself, kicking Sam out on his way to the bathroom. Nothing was broken when he emerged, so Sam counted that as a win.
He was back on his computer when he was done. It was about 15 minutes before their agreed time, but Dean figured he could log in early.
He wasn't expecting a message.
cassienov Dean? Is that you?
His eyes widened.
iamdean It's me
iamdean How long have you been in here?
cassienov A while. I was hoping you'd show up early.
iamdean I wish I would have known. I could have been on sooner
cassienov It's perfectly okay
iamdean Good :)
cassienov :)You're actually capitalizing today.
Dean grinned.
iamdean am i?
cassienov Dean.
iamdean Sorry.
cassienov It's okay.
cassienov So, what did you do today?
iamdean Nothing, really. I drank some great coffee.
cassienov Is that all?
iamdean And I broke a mirror.
It was a few minutes before Castiel responded, which made him nervous.
cassienov Why'd you do that?
He swallowed, fingers hovering over the black keys, almost unsure of what to type.
iamdean I didn't like what I saw.
cassienov Do you not like how you look?
iamdean Not anymore.
Why was he sharing this? He thought to himself, wanting to just delete this part of their conversation. This isn't where he wanted it to go. Not yet.
cassienov Why not? I bet you're handsome.
Dean scoffed at the prospect.
iamdean Hardly.
cassienov What do you look like?
Dean didn't know how to respond. His fingers ached to, but his mind screamed at him no, and he was frozen, unable to move.
cassienov I'm sorry. Maybe it was too soon to ask.
cassienov Would you like to see what I look like?
iamdean If you're okay with sharing.
It was a few minutes, but Dean was sent a photo.
cassienov [photo]
He was handsome. More so, even than that. Dean was instantly attracted to him, his eyes, and his gentle smile, and how ruffled his hair was in an unnaturally natural way. He swallowed, fingers hovering above the keys once more.
iamdean You're very attractive
cassienov Thank you.
cassienov I'm sure you're much better.
iamdean Not even close.
cassienov And how would I know?
iamdean I enjoy talking to you.
iamdean Please don't ruin it.
cassienov I'm sorry.
Dean felt a wave of relief flood through him, and he felt his muscles relax as he slumped back in his chair.
But he felt bad. Castiel had been willing to share himself so fast and Dean couldn't even muster up the courage to say why he felt so bad about himself. The other man deserved something.
iamdean For the record, I have dark blond hair, and green eyes, and some weird freckles, and a nose.
cassienov I'm glad to know you can breathe without the use of your mouth.
iamdean Haha.
cassienov For the record, you still sound incredibly handsome to me.
iamdean If you insist.
iamdean So, what have you done today?
And like that it was dropped, and they were back on their way in a conversation, Castiel talking about his day, and a book he was reading. The topic was brought to the war, and Dean mentioned his time served, leaving out the most important and defining part for him, but he figured Castiel could do without the gore and horrifying mental image of his now warped face and body, scarring whatever feelings he could potentially be developing in the day that they'd known each other.
And it went on that way for days, days turning in to weeks. They talked, and talked, unable to control themselves, hold back the desire for each other's company despite never actually physically communicating, their entire relationship stored in digital files and in memories kept for a perhaps soon-to-be important date.
It was their first contact for the day.
cassienov I'd like to talk to you, Dean.
Dean cocked his head at the message.
iamdean About what?
cassienov About anything. I just want to talk to you.
iamdean Do we not already do that?
cassienov No, I mean, physically.
Dean stilled.
iamdean I can't meet you. Not in person.
cassienov Do you know what skype is?
Dean googled it, but quit at the mention of 'video'.
iamdean I can't do that. You can't see me. You can't.
He knew he sounded desperate, and slightly terrifying, like some sociopathic blood-covered serial killer, and he himself wondered what he was truly hiding from Castiel for a minute, but shrugged it off and went on with keeping himself hidden for now. He pressed his thumb over the tape across the camera, making sure it was still on solidly.
cassienov They have a phone part. It's just voice, Dean.
cassienov I want to hear you talk. Your voice
iamdean Isn't that what phones are for?
cassienov Do you really want some person you've never personally met to have your phone number?
iamdean You have a point.
iamdean I'll get skype.
He was terrified as he clicked download on the site, the loading bar filling quickly, the application opening on its own after he got Sam to install it for him. He signed up and logged in, finding Castiel's contact.
He waited for him to make the first move.
It was a few minutes, but his laptop began to ring, a bubble popping up to alert him of a call.
He tapped accept.
"Hello?"
"Dean?"
The voice on the other end was deep, much deeper than he anticipated, and as clear as Dean could have imagined it to be over the internet.
"Castiel?"
The other man's voice sounded softer, relaxed. "Dean. Hello."
"Hi."
"You even sound attractive." Dean let out half of a shy laugh, and Castiel cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, that was forward of me."
"It's alright. Your voice isn't too bad itself. Deeper than I thought it'd be."
"I get that a lot."
"I mean, aren't you only twenty-two?"
"I get that a lot, too."
Dean rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of what to do with his body. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
They were quiet, unsure of how to continue. It was so new to be doing this, actually speaking.
Dean swallowed, huffing out a laugh. "It's nice to know that you're real. Like, an actual man."
"I feel the same. I was worried you were pretending, at least for a little bit."
"I am."
"You're real, aren't you?"
"I guess."
"Then you're not pretending. Unless you're a twelve-year old with a very deep voice." Dean laughed, and he could practically feel the other's smile when he continued. "Your laugh is sweet."
Dean smiled. "I haven't heard yours."
"It's not very nice."
"I wouldn't know that, would I?"
The other man chuckled. It was deep, and Dean figured his actual laugh would be much louder. "I guess not."
"Maybe I'll hear it later."
And he did. They talked for hours, Dean wandering around his room, flopping on his bed and the floor, feeling like a teenager on the phone with his crush, which essentially, he was.
"It's infectious," Castiel said between his laughs.
"What is?"
"Your laugh."
"Mine?" Dean asked, smiling for longer than he had in a long time.
"Yours."
"Are you flirting with me, Castiel?"
"Only if you want me to be."
Dean grinned. "I do."
There was a pause.
"Dean, I have class soon."
His face fell. "So, you have to go?"
"I do."
"Maybe we can talk later?"
"You know that I'll be on. We can just talk on skype now. It's like private chatting."
"Was our other one not?"
"Not technically. Just no one ever joined us. Except that one porn guy."
"Oh. I thought that was you sharing a video you liked." Castiel laughed, and Dean shrugged. "I guess I can use this."
"Okay. I'll talk to you later then, alright?"
"Alright."
He could hear his smile. "Bye."
"Bye, Castiel."
They continued talking, day in and day out. It took a noticeable effect on Dean, brightening his normally damp and dark mood, and Sam noticed completely. Dean was out of his room more, and though he usually just popped back in, he'd actually talk to Sam now, a conversation rather than snarky remarks and grumbles.
He enjoyed this Dean. He was more like his old self, and he rarely even seemed to remark on his scars anymore, at least not verbally, and it definitely showed in how he acted.
And Dean was happy. He finally had a friend who accepted him regardless of his scars (let alone even knowing about them) and actually have feelings for him, in a way at least slightly above platonic.
It was all he could ever ask for.
-x-x-x-
It was February.
cassienov You seem upset, Dean.
iamdean It's nothing.
It wasn't nothing. It was the day before Valentines Day, and he'd never felt quite so alone. He'd spent the last two deployed, and before that, he could go out and get any girl or boy he damn well pleased, take them out and then take them home for the night, but not now.
cassienov It obviously is.
cassienov Please tell me.
iamdean It's stupid
iamdean I really don't want to talk about it.
cassienov I think that we should.
He wasn't going to drop it.
iamdean I'm… lonely.
cassienov You have me.
iamdean Physically lonely.
iamdean I have nobody this Valentines. I want… I don't know.
cassienov To be touched, and held, and kissed, and loved?
Dean shook his head, but he was right.
iamdean Pretty much.
cassienov I'd hold you, Dean.
cassienov I'd kiss you too.
cassienov I'd love you right, even if it's just for the day.
Dean was biting the inside of his lip.
iamdean What…
iamdean What would you do to me?
cassienov I'd romance you. I'd take you out to dinner, and hold your hand as we walked back to my place, where I'd keep it dark and light candles or the fireplace, just to set the mood.
cassienov Whichever one you'd like more.
cassienov And I'd kiss you, Dean.
cassienov It'd start with touches. I'd run my fingers over your arm, or over your thigh, and when you'd warmed up to me, I'd kiss you.
cassienov I'd let you touch me how you wanted, and guide me where you needed. Listen to your wants, and your desires.
cassienov I'd give you a night to remember, Dean. And hopefully, many more after that.
Dean had been watching each message pop up, his fingers fiddling aimlessly with his shirt sleeve. He didn't deserve what Castiel was saying to him. No one would do that with him now. He wasn't lovable, not like that.
iamdean That's a lie.
There was ringing from his speakers a minute later, and he picked up.
"No it's not."
Dean shook his head. "Why would you do that to me?"
"Wouldn't you want that?"
"I don't deserve it."
"And why not?"
"Because…" He didn't know what to say. He knew why he didn't deserve it, but he didn't want to scare Castiel away. He didn't want to lose him before he even had him. "Because I'm fucked up," he put simply. "Because no one could ever love me, or care for me, like that."
"I could."
"Please stop."
They both fell silent, and Dean felt lost, hopelessly floating away from everything with his body but his mind sinking down. He wanted it. He wanted it so bad. But he knew he couldn't have it, and he never would.
"I… I'm sorry, Dean. I can go."
"Please don't."
"Then what do you want from me?"
"Tell me why I deserve it?"
"Because you're nice, Dean. And sweet, and an amazing story teller. Because you play music for me when I can't sleep, or talk to me aimlessly until I do. Because you are genuinely curious about how I feel, and how my day went. You care so much. It'd be impossible for someone like you to not deserve all of the basic things life and love have to offer."
Dean felt like crying. He wasn't going to, oh no, but he felt like it. Pressure was building behind his eyes, and he felt like throwing up. He'd tricked him. He'd tricked someone as nice as Castiel in to believing that he was something good, something normal, something deserving of love. He was fucked up, more physically than mentally, but still a bit in each way.
He shook his head, wanting to speak, but he couldn't.
"Dean?"
His voice was quiet. "Cas…"
He could hear the gentle smile in the other's voice, and it calmed him a minute degree. "I like it. That nickname."
"…I'm glad…"
It was a few minutes before Castiel replied, but it wasn't awkward. "I have a question for you, Dean."
"Okay."
He received a ping from their chat, and he went to check it.
cassienov [picture]
Dean opened it.
Castiel was sitting in the middle of a frame of hearts he'd clearly added after he'd taken the picture, a large construction paper heart formed out of multiple pieces of paper taped together in front of his body, a gentle smile with slightly crooked lips and soft eyes gracing his sharp facial features.
The heart had the words "Will you be my Valentine?" scrawled across it in permanent marker.
Dean let out a laugh that sounded more like a broken sob. He nodded to himself. "Yes. Yes, but only if you'll be mine."
"I wouldn't want to be anybody else's."
They didn't get off the phone all night, staying up as late as either one of them could manage.
"I don't want to hang up," Castiel said at about 4am.
"Then don't."
"But I need to sleep."
"Then sleep."
"I don't think I could, not if I hung up on you."
"Would it be better if I stayed on?"
Dean was laying on his bed, his laptop dragged as close to him as it could go while still being on a solid surface. He hoped Castiel was doing the same.
"Maybe. It'd be better if you were here."
"Someday, Cas. I promise."
"I'm holding you to that."
"I'd hope you would." He took a deep breath. "Cas, lay down on your bed."
"I already am."
He felt a surge of success roll through him at being right. "Okay. Now, pretend I'm there. Imagine I'm laying in your bed. Your head is on my chest as you lay beside me, and you rise and fall with each breath I take. I'm holding one of your hands, my other one is in your hair, gently stroking it."
"That sounds so nice."
"Are you imagining it? I'm putting effort in to thinking this up."
"It'd be hard not to."
"Okay. Now keep imagining it, Cas. Try to relax yourself. I'll sing to you."
"You'll sing to me?"
"Only if you promise to try and sleep."
"I promise."
"Okay." Dean took a deep breath, steadying himself, allowing Castiel to fall into a more relaxed state. He hoped he was doing that.
It was quiet, and he laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I… I don't know what to sing to you."
"Anything, Dean. Just sing. Please."
He cleared his throat. "I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing / Watch you smile while you are sleeping / while you're far away, and dreaming."
Castiel laughed quietly, and Dean grinned. "Hey, you need to be trying to sleep."
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry."
Dean smiled fondly, giving Castiel another moment to relax before continuing. "I could spend my life, in this sweet surrender / I could stay lost in this moment forever / Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure…"
He paused, waiting for any sort of response from Castiel. He heard some shuffling, so he continued. "Don't want to close my eyes / I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe / and I don't want to miss a thing / Cause even when I dream of you / the sweetest dream will never do / I'd still miss you babe / and I don't want to miss a thing."
"You have such a nice voice."
"Goddamn it, Cas."
"I'm sorry!" he laughed. "I'll try for real this time. I promise."
Dean was weary, but he really didn't care. He swallowed, preparing to continue. "Lying close to you / feeling your heart beating / And I'm wondering what you're dreaming /wondering if it's me you're seeing / Then I kiss your eyes / and thank God we're together / I just want to stay with you in this moment forever…
"I don't want to close my eyes / I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe / and I don't want to miss a thing / Cause even when I dream of you / the sweetest dream will never do / I'd still miss you babe, and I don't want to miss a thing."
He'd been picturing it in his mind as he sang the song. Laying with Castiel in his bed, holding him close. Loving him. It was the best thing he'd ever imagined and he wanted it more than anything.
He paused, wanting to talk to Castiel again, but he didn't hear a response. He figured he could continue anyway, even if just for himself.
"I don't want to miss one smile / I don't want to miss one kiss / I just want to be with you / right here with you / just like this / I just want to hold you close / feel your heart so close to mine / and just stay here in this moment for all the rest of time…"
It was true.
"I don't want to close my eyes / I don't want to fall asleep cause I'd miss you babe / and I don't want to miss a thing / Cause even when I dream of you / the sweetest dream will never do / I'd still miss you babe / and I don't want to miss a thing…"
He fell quiet, and he didn't hear anything from the other end. "Cas?" he asked quietly, hopefully not too loud to wake him up if he had actually fallen asleep.
"Yeah?"
Dean sighed, though he wasn't entirely disappointed that he was still awake. "Why aren't you asleep?"
"Because it's hard."
"Was my song not relaxing enough?"
"No, no. It was so nice, Dean. It's just… It's making me want you."
"I want you, too."
"I want you here," he said. Dean could hear him shuffling around on his sheets. "I… I just really want you here."
"I wish I could hold you," Dean said, rolling on his side to face his laptop. "I'm so lonely." He felt embarrassed about his confession, but he knew Castiel wouldn't care, that he probably felt the same. "But you make it better. Thank you, Cas."
"No," Castiel said. "Thank you, Dean." It was quiet between them for a minute. Castiel laughed. "It's so dumb."
"What?"
"That I'm falling for a man I've never seen before."
Dean grimaced, his throat tightening to the point where it hurt, a strain starting under his jaw and working up to his ear, the pressure building behind his eyes again. He didn't deserve Castiel, and he felt awful that he was dragging him into the feelings built off of false pretenses. He knew he was wasting his time, and he also knew that he'd find out just how much of a waste it had been when he finally sees his face, and his body, and all of the fucked up things he had contained and hidden from him behind the screen of a laptop.
"You should stop that."
"I don't want to."
Dean's eyes watered. "I don't want you to either," he admitted.
"Then I won't." He could hear Castiel shifting around. "Will you sing to me again? I promise I'll try to sleep."
"Of course. Uhh, before you fall asleep… Uhh, goodnight, Valentine."
There was a pause where he assumed Castiel was smiling. "Goodnight, Valentine."