The inky midnight sky filled with galaxies stretched out before Loki, ending when it kissed the dark sloshing waves of the ocean that laid on either side of the glittering bridge he walked on his way to the Bifrost. He did his best to keep his head up and mighty, like the prince he was. But a heaviness filled in his chest and a pinching persisted behind the bridge of his nose. So as he continued down the walkway, on foot as he liked to do often, he let his chin drop, his shoulders slouch forward under the weight. He wore a simple green, closer fitting tunic, worn leather trousers on his legs and his customary dress jacket, leather flaps falling with his movements and the silent wind.
He had put effort into his appearance today, for it was the day that Jane had passed into Valhalla from the realm of Midgard. It was the day Loki had begun to find it difficult to force his body out of his room every morning. It was the day something in his heart dropped out, leaving an agonizing emptiness in the pit of it.
See, Jane left suddenly. She didn't say much, and the words she did use were for the purpose of shaming and honouring the two brothers into being incapable of following Jane, of making sure she was safe.
Leave, she had told him, forget me. Leave me be. Loki turned around hastily from where he stood on his balcony, looking at Jane, who stood in the middle of his bedroom dressed in her casual robes that shone a delicate red and blue, encasing her beautiful frame perfectly. The golden sunlight that soaked the room brought out her every feature, making the room a warm golden mass. The hue hugged her every imperfect perfection. But he could not take her beauty in, like he had every time he looked at her. Because she was rigid and cold, as though she had not spent almost every waking moment in his arms.
What? He had snapped unpleasantly, her words leaving a strange, winded feeling in his gut.
She drew herself up more so and stared him down. Him, the man she loved. Him, the warm frost giant who stood there now with his casual clothes on, unguarded. Him, with a deep and passionate love in his eyes. Him: Loki. The man- the god- that she had to push away.
I am leaving. Let me. Do not follow me, do not search for me. No one will tell you of my whereabouts, so don't bother asking. She stared forward blankly at him and she closed her eyes, bracing herself. For your own sake, Loki: you do not love me.
He advanced on her, striding into the room and straight in front of her, reaching out in an attempt to hold her, but she backed away. He stood there, eyes wide and mouth open, his hands outstretched absently.
No. He whispered. I cannot do that, Jane. I love you. There was nothing she could do but shake her head.
Goodbye.
And he broke. The god of mischief let love break him, and now here he stood, blubbering and begging. Because he let himself love. How stupid, was all he could think, to believe that I could have the luxury of love. So, so, so stupid. But he had loved, and he had to now hurt.
"Jane." Loki whispered, the tears racing down his face and slapping the ground. "Please. You can't do this to me. You just… can't. Just… just come back here. Please, we can… we can sort this out. I'm begging you." On the last few words, his voice broke in anguish, and he could watch the pain flit across her strong, perfect face, a film coating her distant, beautiful brown eyes.
She reached out to his extended hands, placing her fingertips on his familiarly. A weak smile fell on her lips and she looked with great sadness at him, an obvious love in her eyes.
"I know." She said bluntly, shaking her head. "But I can't."
"You can. Always. There's always a way. Trust me, I know. I was lost, desperately, for the longest time. I didn't know who I was, what I was doing, why. And then, you came and… everything changed. You- you're the greatest thing that ever happened to me. You must know this." He twisted his hand so his fingers tips slipped from Jane's and fell into perfect place between her fingers, using the old new-found grip to draw her in closer. He settled to have her close to him, hands pressed against his lightly clothed chest. He watched her with a ravage intensity, so it was difficult to miss her chewing on her words and attempting to free herself from the bonds that his hands were. So she looked deep into his eyes and let him watch any expression leak from them and become nothing more than empty.
"Of course, Loki. You are to me, as well. And I cannot thank you enough." Her every syllable was robotic and distant, as though she could not bring herself to care for the cold man turned warm lover in front of her. The lover she created. But with every movement of her rounded pink lips, it was clear that every word was forced and practiced. Refusing to look away from his eyes, she began to slip hers fingers out of his grasp, easing out of his loving grip.
But he did not let her. He snatched her back and held her close, his hands travelling fast up from her wrists to grasp her head with quiet, delicate rage.
"No, you don't understand. There is nothing in this world- not here, not in the nine realms, not even Valhalla- which is capable of repaying you. You… you let me love you. Which, if the past is any evidence, is a very bad thing to do." He said it with a small chuckle, reminiscently sad. "But I cannot, ever, say how much I needed you, still and just… just how much you mean to me, Jane. I am unable even to form it into words." Loki shook against his will, whether it was with rage or pain, he did not know. But his shoulders shook and despite his tears, he could see Jane perfectly. So he could watch as Jane removed herself lithely from his grasp and raised her chin, cold brown eyes staring back into his glittering emerald ones. His fingers curved around her face, touching her delicately, his gaze unwavering and fierce.
"I think it would be easier if you left it that way. You owe me nothing, nor I you. Revert back to how you were, before you let me in. I am nothing to you." The rehearsed nature of her words was so bitterly obvious, making it a pill impossible to swallow.
It was as if she had thrown a ton brick straight into Loki's chest. He was winded. Every detail around him was enhanced and seemed to be suddenly thrown out of proportion, as though the stopping of time somehow resulted in the worldly features being thrown out of whack.
"What?" he gasped, a venom filling his veins. "Revert back to how I used to be? Are you mad, Jane? You are everything to me! Please, tell me you are joking, for I could certainly use a laugh. Let it be a joke. Please, tell me it is." He stared at her briefly before a heat filled him up to his eyes, searching for any form of responsiveness from the woman he loved so. But… nothing. And he snapped. "TELL ME!" he screamed, the harsh sound bouncing off the walls. "Are you mad, woman? Have you lost your mind?! Do you not remember the monster I was before you found me? You know what I am capable of! You know the blood on my hands, or should I remind you? It didn't seem to matter before, so I am mighty curious as to why it might now!"
A pity flitted behind her eyes and she shook her head again, as if trying to deny she ever knew anything.
Loki's chest heaved.
"It doesn't."
"Then what is it? Is it because of Thor? That oaf? Because I can deal with that. I can deal with losing him. But not you. Not you."
She faltered obviously over the question, her lips attempting to form words but not a sound came past them.
"Loki, I have to go."
But his hands refused to move, grasping her face steadily, angrily. But all of sudden, her words were snapping through the air and biting Loki's ears.
"Loki, if you love me, you will let me go. You will let me, go: you will not come after me, you will not ask of my whereabouts, you will not come to find me, you will forget about me, understand? If you love me, you will forget about me."
Loki's hands dropped immediately from her face as if stung and hung limply at his sides, his brow knitting together and eyes glazed over, mouth gaping. He could not speak, simply watching brokenly as she gave him one last hard stare before sweeping out of the room, the breathy fabric whispering as the door eased closed behind her, leaving Loki to fall to his knees and scream.
The birds outside chirped, the leaves on the green and gold trees rustled peacefully and the ocean breathed quietly in the distance as the sinking sun painted Asgard a perfect red gold. The realm continued to go on, it never stopped it beauty. But for Loki, all that was over. His life no longer held the shimmer that made his world beautiful, the birds no longer sang and a forever agony took its place.
"What do you need, Prince Loki?" Heimdall called absently, facing the open golden mouth of the Bifrost. It looked out upon the beauty of the realms and several galaxies that lay glimmering and winking in front of them.
Loki strolled up behind Heimdall, his hands behind his back, chin up. He had found his strength just outside the round gold structure, so he presented nicely now in his semi-formal wear, his worn leather jacket shining handsomely in the soft colour of the Bifrost.
"Just visiting, Heimdall." He replied, the sarcasm in his voice just hardly masked. Heimdall gave a small chuckle as he turned his head slightly to face Loki, who was standing beside the AEsir now.
"You never just visit, Loki."
Loki flashed an insincere smile up at Heimdall.
"You got me." he said, throwing his hands up in mock surrender. Heimdall reverted to his usual serious state and continued to stare forwards at the expanse of stars in front of him.
"You have not come to visit me in a long time."
Loki sighed
"You are right."
"I still remember this day all those years ago." Heimdall said as if it were a casual thought. Loki flinched, immediately knowing what he was talking of. "She had demanded my utmost secrecy, but I could not watch her fade without either of you knowing."
"And I know Thor thanks your choice most thoroughly. She meant a lot to that oaf." Loki responded bitterly, looking out at the galaxies like Heimdall, though he could see none of it.
"Yes, I do imagine she did. Though maybe not nearly as much as she did to you, Loki." Loki's head snapped around and stared openly at the gate keeper.
"I'm sorry?" he snapped.
"I have been watching the child that she died giving birth to, and though he did seem the most ordinary child, he exuded a likeness to you. For a while I had supposed that perhaps the child was purely of Midgard, but that was before, about three years ago and around the time you stopped visiting, that the child did something… bizarre." Heimdall said al of it casually, as though what he said was general knowledge.
"What are you proposing Heimdall?" Loki asked, narrowing his eyes with anticipation.
"It is quietly known through the upper ranks of Asgard that the affections of Jane was sought after by more than just Thor. And the abruptness of her leave from both this realm and that of the living was and is a mystery to us all, as well as her bizarre pregnancy. But I believe that, knowing the woman was not a disloyal being and one of great honour, and was in great distress when leaving by way of this portal," Loki glanced up at him, questioning "that she did not leave willingly."
"Heimdall, I am in no mood for riddles. Please, tell me what it is you know."
"Alright. The child, at first glance, is nothing beyond the realm of Midgard. But as I have watched the boy grow into his adolescence, it became clear. He is not one completely of Midgard. AEsir blood runs through his veins quite noticeably." Loki clenched his teeth. "But upon no closer inspection, he is clearly that of, none other than, frost giant blood."
Silence. The world froze around Loki as he took in Heimdalls words and he did not show the ringing in his ears or the choking feeling in his throat. He stood there, pale lips parted in shock, eyes wide and dry, until he slowly turned to face the galaxies. They all stood out anew to him now, details precise and outlandish.
"Loki, I know what that woman was to you, and you to her." Heimdall said softly.
"What are you telling me Heimdall." Loki choked out dully.
"I am telling you, my prince, that Jane was very much loyal: to you. Loki, the child known as Hamish, is of yours and Jane's blood. In short, you have a son. A son who is extraordinarily fluent in AEsir magic, your characteristics and Jane's love."