Chapter 3: Keeping Us Apart...From The Grave

Previously: "No, listen." He said. Can I come in?"

We sat in my living room for at least ten minutes before he started talking. Then he finally said, "You don't understand what it's like. One minute loving and defending you to the end and the next I suddenly want to kill you. It's gotten much better since Boggs died but I still can't trust myself."
"Peeta..." I began.
"No! I could've killed you the other night! I could've! All the times I've been protecting you and I could've had one misstep in memory in my dream and you could've been dead. By my own hands! The very ones you shouldn't be afraid of. I could've killed you, Katniss. And I could never live if you died, especially if I did it. That's what I keep coming back to. That's why I can't stay."
"Peeta." I took his hand in mine." I'm not afraid of you. Maybe I should be but I'm not. That was the best sleep I've had in a long time and you didn't hurt me. Not at all."

"Well I might be able to guarantee you full time sleeping if you fall asleep with me again if you know what I mean."
"Funny," I muttered. "I do, but you won't. Well get through this together. You didn't have any nightmares with me did you?"
He shook his head.
"Last night?"
He nodded, vigorously.
"There. Your solution is right here."
"Katniss… My nightmares were all about killing you. If I stay here, that could very well happen."
"Peeta, don't worry. I'll be ok. I'm the girl on fire remember? "I said with a wink and he smiled.

"Well, I hope that's enough," he said as he took my hand and led me to what was now becoming our room.
That's how it was for awhile. We only slept in the same bed. And not because we loved each other, but because we needed each other. We would go our separate ways during the day. He would go back to his own house nearby which he had turned into somewhat of a shop where he would sell his paintings and bakery items. And I would hunt. Then we could come together around dinner time, him with some bread and me with what I caught or traded. We would eat together, discussing our day. And then we would add a new entry to our memory book. We would decide who to add and Peeta would paint while I thought of words to write and then we would head up to bed. And we would repeat that routine every day. That's all our relationship was for awhile. Healing. It was what we needed.
One day on my way back from hunting, I saw him a long way off, just sitting. As I got closer, I realized he was sitting next to my sister's grave. I found it odd because we had made similar ones for his parents' outside of his house. I never saw him even glance at those stones, but now he was sitting, mourning my sister, a girl he barely knew? I went to sit next to him and I could feel him shaking slightly and I realized that maybe this wasn't about Prim; maybe this was about how the Capitol changed him. How a tiny piece of him would always want to kill me. This thought broke my heart for the millionth time in these past two years. We have been through so much together, good, bad, and worse, but I only remember seeing him like this once. The night on the roof, before we left for our first Hunger Games together. I shed a tear at that memory from so long ago. He must have been looking at me because just as it began to leave my eye, I felt soft, gentle hands wipe it away. I looked at him and he smiled a small smile, as if he knew just what I had been thinking about, when he was someone who would always love me. I stood up and pulled him with me, not wanting us to remain in sadness. And at spur of the moment I decided to try something I hadn't in a long time. I kissed him. Immediately I felt what I felt in the clock arena again but I knew I shouldn't kiss him again, even though my entire body longed for another one, longed for just another second more with his lips on mine, in pure bliss. But I knew I shouldn't. As I pulled away, I saw him, eyes closed, seemingly trying to savor every last bit of that kiss. I then led him back in the house where we continued our nightly routine.
As we were working on our memory book, something happened. Something I hadn't seen since we were in 13. Something I thought had just about stopped. We were laughing about something when all of a sudden he stopped and all the light in his eyes went out. He was staring into space angrily and I knew this meant he was back to his old place, ready to kill me. I should have been scared, but all I wanted to do was pull him out of it so all I could think to do was kiss him passionately. It worked. Soon enough he was kissing back. He pulled away quickly though.
"What happened," I asked. My mind was still reeling from the second kiss of the day. Even though this one was business, doesn't mean I didn't want more. I struggled to stay on topic. "I didn't know those were still happening."
"They usually only happen when I'm at my house. I've been able to contain it to then but now. .. "He said sadly. "That means I can't stay here anymore."
I looked at him. "Of course you can! We need each other! Remember the one night you didn't spend here? At least for me it was awful."
"That was almost a month ago. Surely the nightmares will be gone."
"Peeta, the Quarter Quell was a year after the Hunger Games and we still had nightmares."
"That's because we were in danger. We aren't here. Well besides when you are with me."
"Peeta." I took his hand. "I am far from danger with you. You protect me from danger. Besides I know what to do if that ever happens. I get to kiss you." I said slightly seductively.
He let go of my hand. "What if that stops working?"
I took his face and made him look me in the eyes. "You won't hurt me."
"I wish I could believe that." He said as he got up and walked out of my house. I began to cry. Each step we take makes us take four more back and I hate it. And I hate being alone in this enormous house. It makes me feel even more alone than I already am. Just then I knew what to do. Or, better, I knew who would know what to do. Even though it was late, I decided to go see Haymitch.

Hope you love it!