Chapter 5: Baby don't hurt me, no more.

Previously: "Does this mean you'll stay," I ask once I reach him. Even in the darkness his bright beautiful blue eyes shine.
"I can't leave you." He said honestly. "No matter how hard I try. I'm selfish."
"No, not you." I smile and take his hand and lead him to our room. The two of us change and we climb into bed exhausted. But not before he plants a kiss on my lips. I fall asleep dreaming if that kiss.
We wake up well rested. As he begins to leave for his shop I decide to go with him to help just in case he goes to his bad place.
It's a slow day in his shop. A few cakes and breads get sold and a few orders for paintings come in but not much more. So he decides to paint me.

He has me sit in a chair across from him. It felt like I was sitting there for hours and I quickly started to get bored. But I could tell that Peeta was in some painting trance. He doesn't even notice when I make strange faces at him. I must have had my eyes crossed with my tongue sticking out for a good five minutes. Maybe longer.

I was beginning to think the painting would come out like that when he chuckled softly. "Sit still, Katniss", he mutters and I oblige for another hour. I begin to get sleepy so I let my eyes drift off for what only felt like a second but I jolt awake suddenly with a start at the sound of something crashing to the ground and not long after the feeling of it landing in my leg. I open my eyes and they go immediately to my leg. Peeta's easel is on it then I look over at Peeta. I can see him gripping his chair and starring far into the distance, eyes bloodshot. I knew immediately what this was. It was another memory from the hijack. I slowly got up and gently pulled the easel off me. I didn't want to ruin the painting and though I was curious as to what it looked like, I knew what was more important right now.
"Katniss," he said finally as I crawled to his chair. His voice sounded far off and guarded. "You want to kill me. Real or not real?"
"Not real." I said forcefully and quite quickly.
"You killed Rue."
"Not real," I choked out sadly. I couldn't believe he thought I did that. Then again, this wasn't him.
"You killed my family."
"Not real."
The last question sounded hopeful. "Snow is dead."
"Real and he can't hurt us anymore." I knew then that it was safe at least to reach up and touch his hand to slowly bring him back to me. At first he gripped my hand very tightly as if he was going to squeeze it off but he finally looked at me which loosened his grip.
"Sorry." He said embarrassed.
"No worries." I said standing up slowly. Obviously poor word choice since he clearly was worried. My legs give out at first but Peeta quickly caught me. We decide to close up shop for the day and head over to my place to eat and sleep off this strange day.
Except neither of us could sleep. As far as I could tell Peeta was bracing himself for another attack and even though I wasn't afraid of him, I just kept thinking about everything. How less than two years ago I had everything but nothing at the same time. I had Prim and my mom, even though I didn't trust her to even hold my hand, in that tiny house and Gale to hunt with. And then I took Prim's place in the hunger games and I officially met Peeta. Then he announced he loved me and joined a team ready to kill me, all within 24 hours of each other. He did it all for me. He would've eaten the berries even if I hadn't. He would've drowned in the clock arena to save me. And for all his trouble he got left behind and sent to the Capitol to get his mind rearranged. Even if he would've wanted it that way, it shouldn't have happened. But who do I blame? Haymitch? I already did that. And it got me nowhere. But if I can't do that what can I do? I can't really set him straight. He's about as normal as he's gonna get. So I guess all I can do is love him. Wait, love? Do I love him? I thought for a minute. What have I done for him? Almost nothing. I saved his life in the first Hunger Games but he saved mine a million times over from the tracker jackers and then in the cave. He helped me get sponsors. Because let's face it if I wasn't kissing someone, I wasn't getting them. Then he saved me from my nightmares right before Quarter Quell and during the Victory Tour and the entire Quarter Quell wad about him saving my life as much as it was about me saving his. But still, I owe him more than a debt I couldn't pay off in a hundred lifetimes. But maybe it wasn't about that anymore with him. I stopped being concerned about debts to him long ago. Was that because I knew I could never pay him back or because I knew we would always save each other, no matter what? Probably both. But none of this means I have to love him. Except I do love him. I know that because if he wasn't here right now I couldn't survive. He keeps me sane. After everything he is the one thing that hasn't changed, well much. And even if nothing ever comes of this I will love him and need him until the day I die.
I had finally figured out how I felt for Peeta and it only took two years! Crazy. But maybe I've loved him since he helped me. I've never liked taking help from anyone but that night it was different. Maybe because I truly needed it but also maybe because there was no pity or expectations that came with the bread. No it was pure giving. I had to tell Peeta. But as I began to roll over I thought but what if he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe after all the years of pining over me and getting almost ignored except when cameras were on turned him off of me. Maybe he doesn't love me because he knows the real me from the hijack. Maybe all this is just a way for us to cope, not necessarily anything love related. Maybe I'm all he's got left, like Haymitch said, and he doesn't want to ruin our friendship. All these new thoughts made me pull up tighter on my blanket and stay right where I was. I can't admit my feelings to him only to be denied. Then I would end up alone. After all, he's all I have left too.
The next morning I felt very awkward. Very unsure of how to act and also very embarrassed. I showered early while Peeta slept and then I left to hunt, only leaving a short note. When I returned at dusk, later than usual he was sitting on my porch.

Sorry It took so long! Hope you guys like it! Did you see the new trailer? I'm sooo obsessed! Can't wait for Catching Fire!