Seven of Nine's quarters, safe and secluded on the holodeck, echoed with the soothing sounds of classical music as the notes came chanting from the elegant piano in the corner, accompanied as always by the reassuringly regular pacing beat of the metronome placed atop the instrument. The player herself did not have her full attention on the music however. She knew this particular piece by heart and therefore let her eyes follow the changing expressions of her companion rather than the unchanging notes of the sheet music in front of her. She'd always played for the sake of the music itself, never having had the chance to witness its effect on others, the Doctor's first concern was always on instruction rather than appreciation, but it was different now. Chakotay's face altered with every note, bringing a new facet of attractiveness to his face each time, and she couldn't help but feel relieved that she'd allowed herself the pleasure of playing for him. If you're going to let yourself feel for a hologram, she berated herself mentally for an instant, you may as well hone your skills while you're with it. This dark thought made her chest tighten for a moment, the self-criticism made worse by the fact that somehow the thought sounded in her mind like a disappointed Captain Janeway, but she quickly distracted herself by refocusing on the music, seeking out the beat of the metronome to guide her until she'd finished. She noted with relief and affection that the Chakotay hologram hadn't noticed her tiny pause and was gazing at her, mesmerised, as her hands slid from the keys onto her lap. "What did you think?" she asked softly, studying him intently.
Chakotay's answer was expressed in the delightedly surprised grin he gave her, but he spoke anyway, "You were amazing." He told her with honest warmth, laughing in wonderment, "I was expecting "Chopsticks"; I had no idea you this good!" He raised a teasing eyebrow, "I'm surprised the Doctor hasn't already secured you for one of his monthly recitals."
Seven smirked even through her flattered blush, "He has suggested it to me more than once." She admitted.
"Well maybe you should take him up on it, I'd certainly be there." Chakotay replied with a sincere smile.
"Perhaps I will consider the matter again." Seven conceded as she shifted on the piano's seat to offer him more room. "It's your turn."
Chakotay sighed regretfully, "Unfortunately, I don't play." He told her apologetically, "But I'd love to hear you play again." He paused to flick through the music books Seven had arranged around the piano and quickly found what he was looking for, showing her the page, "This is one of my favourites."
The reminder that she could programme him to play as many instruments as she liked flashed through the more detached areas of Seven's mind, but she dismissed the idea with a shudder. Instead she obligingly took the book from him and set it open in front of her, smiling when she recognised it as one she also liked a great deal. "As you wish." She agreed easily, restarting the metronome with a flick of her hand before letting her fingers begin their dance over the keys. She was just beginning to relax into it, her ears savouring the sounds, when Chakotay laid a hand lightly over one of hers. She stopped immediately, shooting him a bemused look, "Is something wrong?"
His face softened when he heard the apprehension in her tone. "No...but I want to hear you play the music." He shook his head slightly as further confusion clouded her features, deepening her frown, and closed the small gap between them, taking both of her hands firmly in hers. "Your technique is flawless, but you're not playing." He tried to explain before elaborating with a soft sigh as she stared at him uncomprehendingly, pointing to the metronome in front of them. "You're not letting your emotions into the music. Remember when you used to deny yourself your emotions?" Seven flinched and looked down unhappily; he had no idea how true that still was… He squeezed her hands supportively as he continued, "The metronome gives you a sense of order, but it also stops you from truly accessing your emotions." Seven swallowed as she nodded slowly, she found that she couldn't really deny his conclusions. "Okay then." He murmured softly, lifting her chin up with one hand as he set the now silent metronome aside with the other.
Seven took that as a request to try again but found that her hands were shaking as they returned to the piano. "Yes…" She whispered apprehensively, gulping hard as she plunged back into the music.
"What are you feeling?" Chakotay pressed emphatically beside her.
Seven cringed as she hit a wrong note. In her haste she seemed to have lost all control of speed or volume, it was barely recognisable as the same tune. "My tempo is erratic…" She muttered in reply through gritted teeth.
"Not what you're thinking, what you're feeling!" Chakotay corrected, exasperation creeping into his tone, "Don't worry about the notes, just play and tell me what you feel."
Seven took a deep breath, her hands now ramming into the keys in an extremely unprofessional manner. She was surprised by how frightened this request left her and panic at being so out of control choked her for a moment before she began to answer, "I feel…apprehension, anxiety…fear…" Suddenly something inside her snapped and she stopped playing with a very unmelodic clang. "I can't." She whispered brokenly, drawing back from the piano as if it would bite her.
"Yes, you can." Chakotay reassured her resolutely as he took hold of her shoulders firmly, rubbing rhythmical circles into her tense muscles with his thumbs as he looked directly into her gaze. "It doesn't have to be perfect!"
Seven stiffened as she felt hot tears burn in her eyes and blinked furiously to hold them back. His words didn't bring the intended comfort; they were just as hollow as the man holding her tightly. The pursuit of perfection was the closest equivalent to a religion within the Collective, and although the Voyager crew did not place such a quasi-religious significance on it, she knew it was expected. What else did she have to offer the crew except her perfectionism? They relied on her to strive for it as no one else could in their long, dangerous journey to the Alpha Quadrant, to offer solutions and explanations. That was her value to the crew, only this hologram didn't need that…
A violent jolt shoved these relentless thoughts aside. Her Chakotay hologram reacted first, "What was that?"
Seven hurriedly stood up, but before she could react further the Captain's overwrought, irate voice assaulted her over the comm. system, "Seven of Nine, report to Astrometrics, now!"
Seven felt her mind freeze in horror for a split second as she thought of the minefield. "I'm on my way Captain!" she almost shouted in reply, casting a pained glance back at the confused looking hologram before hastily commanding, "Computer, deactivate programme!" The effect was instantaneous, the worried face of the Chakotay hologram evaporated along with the room and her human appearance. She winced upon seeing her wide blue eyes staring back at her, one capped with her familiar optical implant, from the reflective surface of the holodeck walls but as she became aware of the wail of the red alert siren she forgot other, irrelevant, concerns and transported herself to Astrometrics.
Even with the help of the transporter, as she arrived in Astrometrics, Seven's gut twisted sickeningly with the thought that she might be too late. Glaring frantically at the console in front of her, she tried to sort out what was happening. The sensors were in uproar, unable to accurately pinpoint the danger while being bombarded by data she'd neglected to block out earlier. "Got any coordinates for me Seven?" Tom asked down the comm. line, his normally confident voice marred with desperation.
"Yes!" Seven replied hurriedly, her mind gripping hold of the first set of coherent coordinates the sensors gave out. "Starboard 879.01 mark…" She stopped with a gasp as she finished her promised medications and realised her error, "No, Starboard 657.09 mark 2." She corrected breathlessly.
The ship gave a hard lurch as Tom obeyed, and by the lack of explosion Seven gathered that they must've missed the mine. "Thanks Seven." Tom told her with gratitude that made Seven grimace as she looked up at the readings on the viewscreen. She'd barely avoided the destruction of the entire ship! If she hadn't been so negligent in her duties, so distracted by her attempts at a "personal life", she could have given the crew fair warning as she'd promised… The guilt that had been gradually seeping into her with each new holographic experiment briefly overwhelmed her along with relief for their escape and she lurched forward, bending over the console as her breath left her in short gasps. Her hair, still loose from the holodeck, hung over her troubled face like a curtain before the beep of her comm. badge made her straighten up hurriedly.
"Seven, report to my Ready Room." The Captain ordered sharply.
Seven bowed her head even though the Captain couldn't see her. "Yes Captain." She agreed submissively.
She walked onto the Bridge, having restored her usual appearance, to find her crewmates either openly staring at her or surreptitiously avoiding her gaze altogether. The one main exception to this rule, disconcertingly, was Commander Chakotay, who looked at her levelly in understanding as he stepped out of the Ready Room before rapidly turning his attention to the viewscreen. If she'd been more confident of her ability to read him, she would've thought she saw sympathy in his face too, his Adam's apple moving up and down as he swallowed unhappily, but she dismissed the idea as she entered the Ready Room. He was the last person who owed her empathy after what she'd done!
The Captain stopped her intemperate pacing as soon as she locked eyes with Seven. "Well, do you want to explain what just happened?" she asked without greeting her, her quiet tone deceptive.
Seven bit the inside of her mouth as she struggled, given the turmoil she was experiencing, to stand her ground in the face of the imminent interrogation. Normally she could withstand any questions about her conduct with relatively unruffled ease, she was generally certain of the rightness, or at least the inevitability, of any course of action she took. The Captain frequently didn't agree with her analysis of course, but she could still defend her convictions calmly. This case was different, she was very aware of her wrongdoing, and how close Voyager had come to destruction. "The sensor modifications…took longer than I anticipated." She said quietly, knowing the Captain expected some sort of explanation, whether completely true or not.
The Captain's eyebrow arched menacingly, her eyes narrow. "They might have proceeded more quickly if you'd stayed at your post." She remarked coldly, her voice dripping with condemnation.
Seven flinched as the pointed, but justified, comment hit home but her self-defensive mechanisms still kicked in out of habit. "I did not realise I was confined to Astrometrics." She retorted.
The Captain stared at her as if she didn't know who she was. "You were on duty."
The judgemental anger didn't hit Seven as hard as the obvious disappointment in those words, which cracked her fragile façade of composure. "Yes…" She admitted with genuine remorse, "I was…distracted and was deeply negligent of my duties, endangering the ship in the process." She forced herself to meet Janeway's eyes, "It will not happen again Captain."
The Captain's demeanour softened a fraction, the obvious sincerity in Seven's apology mollifying her slightly. "Sit down Seven."
Seven gave the Captain a startled look. The older woman knew she rarely sat in formal situations, preferring, perhaps by some flight complex, to stand, but Janeway again indicated the chair on the other side of her desk so Seven obediently sat down across from her. "I presume this distraction is on the holodecks, since you've logged…" The Captain paused to glance at a PADD, "17 hours in the last three days alone." She leaned back in her chair with an uptight sigh, "Mind telling me what you're doing with all that time?"
Seven's hands clenched in her lap. "I've been conducting…research."
The Captain's lips pursed, "It must be fascinating, what does it involve exactly?"
"I've been…working on a way to significantly increase the warp engine's capacity." Seven explained. It wasn't a lie exactly, she had been pursuing such research intermittently for years.
"Sounds promising." The Captain conceded, although Seven could tell she'd seen through the deception as she shifted irritably. "I'd love to see your ideas sometime Seven, but you can't neglect your duties either."
"I know Captain, I don't intend to." Seven murmured.
"Good, dismissed." The Captain told her quietly, waiting until her protégé had turned to leave before adding, "We all make mistakes Seven, remember that."
Seven flinched guiltily but didn't respond. She was hurt by the judgement in the Captain's tone but remained silent as she left as quickly as her legs would carry her.
A/n: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! :D