"That makes two of us." Chakotay's heartfelt admission made Seven lift her eyes to his face once more, searching it for pity, for a hint that the words were a mere concession to her feelings rather than a reflection of his. The painful honesty she saw in the deep dark orbs of his eyes confounded her expectations however and she felt a lump of potent longing and grief build up in her throat again. Under the more obvious, elemental emotions that mirrored her own, regret, confusion and fear; empathy and understanding somehow managed to shine out from behind all that darkness as he looked at her. Witnessing that, clear as day, made her heart thud poignantly. She'd always been drawn to real empathy and true understanding towards her. It was so rare, made the sympathy she was often shown in the light of her 'tragic' life seem shallow and meaningless. As such, it had always reached her more than even affection. At the moment she saw all three in Chakotay's intense gaze. She daren't search deeper, beyond affection, right now, her heart might burst. Seven felt her hands twitch in her lap, tempted to grasp his. In fact, in that moment she desperately wanted to let herself sink into his arms, bury her face into the crook of his neck and just stay there, taking advantage of that sheltering comfort while she tried to come up for air from these waves of emotion that were drowning her. She knew that he'd let her, but that was beside the point. To do so would prolong the poison of this situation if her conflicted mind did eventually decide it would be better to shut him out. She still found herself breathing a sigh of relief when, true to his word, he didn't move away, didn't abandon her to deal with this.
Chakotay registered that relief, and felt one knot in his chest slacken, but another quickly replaced it when Seven didn't respond, again completely introverted. In other circumstances it might've fascinated him; the way so many emotions seemed to burn across her face at once before she stiffened, as if the Collective were giving her a mental command, and her face would be still for a few seconds before one glance at him would make her unravel and the cycle would start again. He'd vowed that, beyond giving his explanation, baring his soul to her in many respects, he wouldn't interfere with what she was going through. Her forgiveness, if he'd earned it, had to be given freely. It was a torturous trial though, another layer of punishment, to just watch her fighting with herself like this. Everything in him wanted to gather her up in his arms, hold the pieces of her he'd wilfully shattered together, then wipe tonight from her memory and his, make it irrelevant.
A quaking breath left Seven's throat as she weakly swiped a few strands of her hair out of her face, her lips pressing together until they were grey and bloodless. "I…" She found herself starting to say, although she had no idea how she wished to continue. She winced as she saw the twin feelings of hope and fear flood into Chakotay's familiar features, one brightening his face, the other plunging it into darker shadow. A jolt ran through them both as the reprieve of Sickbay's doors opening reached their senses.
"Seven, how…" The Doctor began, the false ring of his cheerful voice halting abruptly as he saw that not one but two people awaited him within his domain. "Oh." He murmured, a ghost of a smile playing across his lips, relief and a measure of satisfaction revealing themselves in that momentary expression even as his ageless face suddenly appeared a decade older. "I'm sorry for interrupting…"
Seven's vulnerable, withdrawn figure took an 180 degree turn at his voice, showing erect dignity in every fibre of her being as she gazed stoically past both Chakotay and the Doctor. "How are Ensign Kim and Crewman Delaney?" she asked politely, her voice hoarse but barely catching.
The Doctor gave an awkward chuckle as Chakotay gave a start of surprise. "Oh, I managed to patch them up again this time, don't worry. I did warn them to perhaps keep their impromptu dates on the more sedate end of the adrenaline spectrum for at least a few days though, maybe dinner instead of cliff-diving…" His fists clenched at his misstep as both Seven and Chakotay painfully averted their eyes for a split second at the mention of 'dinner'. "You know…" He started slowly as he absorbed the scene, they'd obviously made some much needed progress together, "I need to stay here to file an injury report for the Captain, but this deck's Observation Lounge should be empty at this time of night if you want to keep talking." He suggested softly, studying the shell-shocked, lost faces of the couple knowingly. He regarded Seven fondly as her reserve began to splinter away, shrinking in on herself again as she met Chakotay's equally huge, conflicted eyes. "I think you'll be okay out of here now Seven." He murmured kindly, the only guidance he could fairly give in the right direction, "Just keep the monitor on this time, okay?"
Seven replied with a jerky nod, as if she were a puppet on a string. "Okay." She echoed numbly, immediately starting to slide herself off the biobed, but her shaking knees buckled slightly as she asked her feet to take her weight and Chakotay had to catch her before she slumped to the floor.
Guilt stabbed the Doctor right in the heart of his emotional circuitry. Maybe he was pushing her onto the path of reconciliation too quickly… "I wasn't dismissing you Seven, if you still feel unwell…"
"No." Seven cut him off sharply through gritted teeth, unsettled by the familiar heat Chakotay's saving touch had sent surging through her. Bracing herself against the biobed, her hands clawing around the edge for support, she added in a low tone, "I'll be fine."
The Doctor nodded solemnly, more focused on Chakotay's reaction. The other man's Adam's apple moved convulsively up and down his throat as he watched Seven, staying respectfully away from her but with his arms instinctively held open, again primed to catch the weakened woman if she as much as wavered mid step. The Doctor felt himself relax and let a little more hope in as he observed this attentiveness. They were still in tune with each other somehow, walking in step even as they moved to leave in a broody, uncertain silence. It was a bittersweet moment for him. He was happy to sense that they may well get over this turmoil, but he felt the loss of letting the possibility of Seven's heart go, she'd already given it away, whether they actually resolved their issues or not.
Chakotay couldn't help but be glad that Deck 3's Observation Lounge was only a few doors away from Sickbay. He'd never had more awkward minutes with Seven of Nine, pregnant with unspoken tensions, not even when she'd been rapt to the Collective's whim and he'd been her avowed adversary. Something had always sparked in the air between them, hatred and distrust initially, unease later, wit and then attraction recently. It was as if something had died, as if they'd both given up in some fundamental way, withdrawn from each other after their confessions. He understood what Seven had meant earlier, when she'd said she was tired, that this was too complex; he too felt drained of everything. He wondered why she'd agreed to talk to him more, the thought that she'd conceded just because the Doctor told her to made him uncomfortable, forcing her wounds to bleed further for his sake was really the last thing he wanted…
"Commander?" He flinched at her use of his rank, although he was relieved to hear that her voice struck a more normal, less strained timbre. He realised why as he turned to meet her gaze, he'd unthinkingly walked past the door to their destination. Under normal circumstances, Seven might've laughed at such an oversight, or at least arched a questioning brow in amusement, but now she was just studying him with an unreadable expression.
"Sorry." He muttered in reply, following her in as the doors slowly slid open. This Observation Lounge was identical to all the others, a panoramic strip of big windows showing off a stretch of Delta Quadrant stars, a big corner sofa pressed against the main window, a couple of tables and some smaller chairs sprinkled around to take advantage of the four food replicators in the room. There was a one such lounge on each deck, designed to be a quiet space for crewmembers to take duty breaks when they didn't have time to return to their quarters or visit the Mess Hall. The Doctor had been right, since the night shift was in full swing and Deck 3 was never a hive of activity anyway, the room was empty. A few strips of mood lighting and the glow of the stars were the only sources of light for the room and neither he nor Seven made move to alter it as they entered, the shadowy, silent atmosphere suited their moods. Seven's leaden frame only regained some of its characteristic grace as she sank into the corner of the expansive sofa, her shoes slipping off her feet as she neatly snapped her legs under her, her arms coiling tight around her slim waist as she stared out at the nameless stars rather than at him. Chakotay rubbed his eyes tiredly, his heart clenching as he took in her defensive posture and was again struck by her beauty. The starlight, to his eyes at least, made her skin glimmer like polished alabaster. Paired with the silver of her implants and the golden sheen of her flowing hair it made her look even more ethereal. He made a simple gesture towards the replicator, "Do you want something to drink?" Seeing the violet shadows under her eyes tempted him to just replicate her espresso and push it on her, she looked in need of the caffeine boost, but he knew that she detested coffee just as devoutly as the Captain worshipped at its altar.
Seven straightened guiltily at the kindness in his voice, as ever there wasn't a hint of a patronising note in his way of speaking to her. It shouldn't be like this, tonight should've driven them apart, driven him away from her, but here he was asking about her beverage preferences. She wasn't even sure why she'd agreed to keep talking, she wasn't sure she could say anymore, but she had the distinct feeling that if she didn't try to get it off her chest now she'd be weighed down with it forever, that they may never speak like this again. She found herself training her gaze on the implants snaking up her arm, distracting herself with the odd little details, as she answered, "Hot chocolate please." The words were barely audible, but she knew he'd heard her when he started slightly in surprise. Before, she knew, he would've thrown her a questioning smirk at that, or gone one better and flashed her that mesmerising smile, just for the sake of knowing why she'd said such a thing, but now he merely cleared his throat, his back still to her. With a small sigh, Seven answered his unspoken question, "Naomi Wildman introduced me to it, it's an occasional treat when I babysit her."
Chakotay smiled at the thought, his mood lifting at the endearing image her words conjured in his mind. "Two hot chocolates." He ordered swiftly, snatching up the two mugs as soon as they appeared. "This is one of the delicacies my ancestors introduced to the world." He told her, trying to keep the tone light, but falling short as he carefully handed her the mug so that their fingers didn't touch. "I don't think I've drunk any of this since the last time my Mom kept me home from school." He murmured distractedly to himself.
Seven suddenly wanted to know more of that story, to ask him to delve deeper into the memory, but the words wouldn't come. Instead she took a long slip of the bittersweet, tart liquid, letting the heat and sugar infuse a little energy into her sapped reserves. She forced herself to savour it, to take her time, as she watched Chakotay over the rim of the mug. He hadn't sat down, in fact he looked like he would've been more comfortable pacing as he hovered in the middle of the room, his own mug clutched tight in hand but untouched. "What are we supposed to do now?" she asked him abruptly, grimacing as her voice cracked with despair. When he didn't supply an answer, she offered one. "Should we…could we…" She swallowed, "…re-establish our professional boundaries?"
The entirety of Chakotay's imposing, powerful figure shuddered, his healthy, tanned face turning an ashen shade of grey as he stared at her as if she'd just shot him on high stun. "What, like going back to being Crewman and Commander?" he forced out. For the first time that night Seven heard not only incredulity but bitterness as well as anger and hurt in his deep voice. Something passionate flared in his eyes but then he seemed to rein himself in as his whole body slumped. "Is…Is that what you want?" he asked seriously.
Seven began to blink rapidly, turning away from him as she felt tears form. "I couldn't do that before, after the hologram…" She admitted faintly, self-hatred edging back into her voice, "My inability to let go of…certain feelings regarding is the root of this whole situation…"
Chakotay suddenly moved from where he stood to perch on the other end of the sofa, turning to meet her gaze intensely as he ran a stressed hand through his hair, "Seven, no one ever asked you to let go of any feelings, that was that damned failsafe. I've spent all night begging you not to dismiss your feelings for me, whatever I've done…"
Seven's heavy lids blinked closed, her face lacquered with tears as she set her jaw. "If I hadn't indulged in those fantasies I would still be functional now and you would be ignorant of me!" she choked out, "If I hadn't piqued your pity or curiosity or whatever it was when you watched me you wouldn't…"
Chakotay grasped her hands, "Seven, I told you it wasn't pity. I tried to explain my stupid actions to you before and I know it doesn't make sense because you wouldn't think of doing that to someone, but you need to realise that I didn't fall for the woman in the holodecks, but for you as you are right now. I don't think of the dates with the hologram when I think of you, I think of us spending an hour laughing as we teased Neelix, our time on Ledosia, our dance at the party…" Desperately, he took the chance of grasping her hands in his, "I fell in love with you long after the holo-programme was deleted, I stopped caring about that beyond how it would affect you if you found out…"
Seven stared at him uncomprehendingly, although he could see that, this time, his declaration of love had sunk in. "How can you not care?" she whispered, "I simulated you, my commanding officer, neglecting my work, just because…because I was lonely and socially dysfunctional. I indulged in vanity and self-deception by erasing my implants!" she cried out in bottled up frustration, "And even after all that, I still kept an emotional suppressant in place because I was too weak-willed to face reality…" Her voice broke again, "How can all that make me less than repulsive to you?"
Chakotay had to remind himself to breathe after hearing this, his heart felt like it was shattering. Yes, she blamed him partially, her self-esteem had been destroyed by what he'd done, but the vast majority of her distraught rage was directed at herself. "Seven, you didn't do anything wrong, whatever that failsafe and my actions have made you feel. You were just exploring things the Collective denied you before, that this crew have denied you in a lot of ways. I wasn't offended by you choosing me, no man would be I promise you." As she bowed her head in denial, he allowed himself to cup her face in both hands, "As for being lonely, that just makes you human, like me, like all of us. You've helped me with that, more than you know." He gave her an encouraging look as she searched his face, his finger brushing the implant under her ear as he swallowed back a frustrated cry, "You could never be repulsive Seven, you're a beautiful woman and your heart is pure. You've never purposefully hurt anyone as an individual…" His lips twisted bitterly, "There are so few people in this universe that's true of, if you only knew how much pain I've caused those around me over the years you'd turn your back on me and never look back…"
"No." Seven interrupted softly, moving her face out of her grip to stare him down. "You hurt me…" She confided seriously, taking several deep breaths as her gaze lowered, "…but I still…I still love you."
There was enough genuine fear, the threat of rejection still stalked her mind, scarred into her face as she whispered that to strike Chakotay complete speechless and it was all he could do to lean forward and take her tenderly into her arms, going with her as she slumped to lie down on the sofa with a breathless sob. She pressed herself tight between the sofa and the warmth of his body, her head coming to rest tentatively on his shoulder as he brought his legs up to form a protective barrier for her. Gingerly, his arm went around her still shaking frame, though the tears she shed were stubbornly silent. He bent his head to brush his lips on her crown of hair, soon tilting her face up to his so he could place a gentle, almost chaste, kiss on her forehead. "We're going to be okay Seven, we'll be fine now…" He whispered to her thickly, as soothingly as he could given how overcome he was.
Seven didn't verbally respond, instead shifting to lay her head squarely on his chest as she nodded, able to feel his answering unshed sob of relief and gratitude as she did so.
A/n: PLEASE REVIEW! :D