Hello lovely people! Thank you for all of the amazingness you've continued handing out to me! I appreciate it more than you could ever know, honestly. Please continue reviewing, because they're amazing to read and receive! :)
Oh, and happy new year!
- Hazel
Slowly but surely, Kensi's downward spiral has begun to plateau. For the first couple of days after the funeral she seemed somewhat dazed and confused, and almost aggravated with herself because of it.
Both her birthday and Christmas pass with very little celebration- Deeks is stuck between feeling as if he should be doing something more, and feeling like he's doing too much. Everything is a reminder, or so it seems. He doesn't want to be the one who forces her to relive it all.
So as Deeks drives back towards their house, overthinking everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks, the phone call he receives easily seems to come out nowhere.
"Hello?" He asks, shoving the phone against his ear without even checking the caller ID first.
"Hey dude."
The voice is easily recognizable as Josh. "Oh, er, hey! How are you?"
He chuckles lightly, but it's mostly just an awkward noise to fill the silence. He knows what happened to Kensi, so there's really no point in pretending that their lives haven't changed dramatically.
"I'm good. But… how's Kensi holding up?"
He inhales sharply, uncertain as of how to properly answer the question but sure that he still has to do it regardless.
"She's better. Everyday it gets easier. But I'm not sure how much of it's real, honestly. She could be pretending."
"Not with you."
He drops the steering wheel for half a second, just to wipe his eyes- they're exhausted and so is he.
"Kensi doesn't want to see me hurting. And she knows that if she's hurting… I am too."
"I still don't think she'd lie about it. Don't you guys see each other, like, everyday?"
Deeks opens his mouth and then shuts it again, a smile forming. "We, um… live together."
"You… you live together?"
"Yeah."
"But… actually?"
"Uh-huh."
"Like, in the same house?"
"No, Josh- she lives in the dog kennel out back. Of course she lives in the house."
"With Ray, too?"
"No, we kicked him out. He's living on the street. We bring him blankets and food, when we have time."
A short silence ensues.
"I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're being sarcastic?"
He narrows his eyes, nodding. Josh may be funny, but half the time he also comes off as a complete and utter moron.
"Good guess."
"You're an ass."
"Only on occasion."
"Whatever. I was just calling to see if you and Kensi wanna come to my New years Eve party."
He lifts his eyebrows, contemplating the invitation. "Oh… I'll ask her. I'm not sure if she'll say yes, though."
"Okay. Just tell her I called, and to come if she's up to it."
"Will do. Thanks."
"Of course."
Deeks hangs up the phone, tossing it on the cushion of the passenger seat. Having conversations like that one has become somewhat exhausting over the past couple of weeks. He hates speaking for Kensi, and putting words in her mouth when he isn't sure exactly sure what to tell people.
"She's doing okay," is what he'll say if someone asks. It doesn't really seem like a viable truth, but it's what she keeps on telling him. There doesn't seem to be another option.
He pulls into the driveway, cuts the engine, grabs his newly purchased groceries, hops out of the car and heads into the house before he can overthink Josh's proposition.
"Kens?" Deeks calls out, pushing the door closed behind him.
"In here!"
He follows the sound of her voice and finds himself in the living room. She's lounging on the couch, both feet propped up on the coffee table. He has yet to discover whether today is a bad day or a good day, but judging by the way she smiles as he sits down beside her, Deeks settles on the latter.
"I gotcha something," he says, dropping a paper bag of groceries to the coffee table.
"Whaaaaat is it?"
Kensi leans forward, studying his movements intently.
"Ice cream, for our movie night."
He grins but she doesn't, finding the expression difficult to conjure up.
"What?" He asks, freezing to study her face.
"Nothing."
"Kensi. There's clearly something."
She bites her bottom lip, her forehead wrinkling.
"It... it feels as if you're treating me like a kid. You don't need to baby me."
He cocks his head to one side, shaking it softly.
"I'm not treating you like a kid, Kens."
"That wasn't really a question, more of a statement."
"I just…" Deeks exhales, twisting his mouth over to one side as his gaze drops to the tubs of ice cream. "I just wanna help."
She smiles. "With rocky road?"
"I thought it was worth a shot."
Kensi sighs, leaning her head on his chest as Deeks lowers himself back onto the couch. She winds both arms around his waist, and feels him soften beside her.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
She chuckles. It seems like such a silly question.
"For… everything."
"Everything?"
"You're just… you're you. And that's pretty great."
"Yeah?"
She nods, the happiness in her voice receding the more comfortable she gets.
"Yeah."
He tugs her close, sensing the change and feeling a need to acknowledge it. This has just been Kensi lately- happy then sad, without much of a time lapse in between.
"I love you."
She chuckles lightly, pushing her face into his tee shirt to muffle the sound.
"What's funny?"
"You've just been saying that a lot lately."
"Is that… okay?"
The uncertainty with which he speaks makes her heart flutter.
"Of course. It'll always be okay."
He smiles, feeling pleased with himself. "Okay, good."
She nods. "Yeah. Good."
Finally, something good. Something that feels right.
"Josh called while I was driving home," he says, catching Kensi before her mind can wander too far away.
"What did he have to say? Does he miss me?"
"Actually… yes. He wants us to come to his New Years Eve party."
She's silent, and Deeks takes her hesitation as a rather immediate answer. "We don't have to go, and I told him we'd think about it-"
"I'm not saying no," Kensi says, pulling away from him and immediately missing the warmth. "We should go."
His eyes widen, both eyebrows thoroughly furrowing. "Really?"
"Yeah." She shrugs, nearly sheepish but trying damn hard to play it off. "I'm… okay. Or at least I-I should be. It's about time, really."
Deeks turns his head on it's side, shooting her a sincere and almost warning glance. "Kens."
"Look, Deeks-"
She stands up in a feat of desperation. Kensi doesn't want this- the moping around, the pitiful looks, the trepidation.
"-stopping living my life isn't gonna get us anywhere. You know that, and so do I."
He swallows, knocking his head back and forth a few times. "Well…"
"Deeks!" She exclaims, exasperated not really at him but more so at herself. Still, he gets the brunt of it.
"Winter break is almost over, and we're gonna have to go back to school, and I need to be-be normal by then, so we should just go. I don't wanna have to explain myself, I really don't. I don't wanna talk about it, I don't want the questions, I just want to be okay, and-"
"Whoa, Kensi," he begins, shooting up straight and opening his palms to her. "What are you saying, here? It's been a couple of weeks, sure. But that's nothing, not really. You can't expect yourself to-to just…"
He stammers and trails off as tears well up in her eyes. Kensi shakes her head defiantly though, pushing them back. She won't allow them to take over. Not again.
She absolutely despises the loss of control. It feels as if she's drowning, like some unidentified source is trying to pull her beneath the surface.
Deeks clenches his jaw, blinking slowly. "Come here," he says, motioning at the couch.
Kensi sucks in air, narrowing her eyes and folding her arms. She wants to be tough, unbroken, and stable, but discovers that it's a obstacle. One that she just can't seem to overcome.
"What are you…?"
He lowers his voice down to a whisper, replicating the motion again. "Come here, Kens. Please."
She finds the glimmering hint of sadness in his eyes something impossible to ignore, and does as instructed- falling right back into his arms as if she'd never left in the first place.
"It's okay to not be okay," he murmurs, brushing some hair away from her eyes. "Nobody is expecting that from you. I promise."
Her fingers tighten around the fabric of his tee shirt, gripping it tightly as if he's about to slip away from her. Kensi knows he's not, but no matter what the real truth might be she feels more secure when he's close. His power over her is inevitable.
"But… I don't want to be, ya know…"
"Human?"
She sighs, finding some definite truthfulness in his words.
"Yeah. I guess that's it."
He strokes her hair, hoping Kensi might take comfort in the small gesture. She does.
"Your allowed to be human, Kens."
She nods against his chest, but still presents him with a question.
"Do you promise?"
Deeks kisses the top of her head, wondering if he's been doing it too much lately but not bothering to care if he has.
"I promise."