Derek, trying to ignore the throbbing in his temples, walked up to the coffee cart, hoping the caffeine would put him out of his misery and push him to focus. He could feel the warm liquid travel down his throat and into the pit of his stomach. He grabbed a muffin and headed for the elevator. He remembered the moments shared with Meredith, their passionate kisses, awkward moments, silent rides with Addison between them. All he wanted was to see that honey-blond hair amidst the people but he knew she wouldn't be there. That was their thing. The elevator. But not today. Never again.

The hallway on the surgical floor was busy as usual with the frantic Interns, irritated nurses, and stressed out residents. He quietly walked towards the OR board eating the remains of his muffin hearing Dr. Yang yelling out numbers with a group of interns sprinting after her, barely able to keep up. He laughed thinking about his days as an intern, just glad he didn't have someone like Bailey or Yang. He didn't have any surgeries scheduled until afternoon so he kept himself busy with post-op checkups and neuro consults.

A couple of hours later, he headed to an on-call room to take a nap until his surgery was scheduled. He slipped off his shoes and threw his lab coat over the foot of the bed. He laid back onto the somewhat comfortable mattress and covered himself up. He still wasn't having much luck getting rid of his hangover, his head was still pounding and he felt horrible. He relaxed a little, and thought about other things, blocking out the pain. He slowly closed his eyes drifting off into his past.

"Derek where are we!!" Meredith yelled, stumbling blindly and laughing the whole way. She wondered what this big surprise was...

"Hold on Meri, we almost there i promise" he replied guiding a blindfolded Meredith up a dirt path through the woods. He knew she didn't have a clue what was going on, but that only excited him even more. He couldn't wait to see her reaction, hoping it would be a good one. "Ok, are you ready?"

"Yes Derek, please!" she squealed, excitement radiating from her body. He slowly pulled off the blindfold and watched as she took in the beautiful green valley full of luscious trees and wildlife. "Derek this is breathtaking...but what is it?" she asked with a confused look on her face.

"Its the view from the back porch of our new house Meri..." He said waiting for her reaction. She stood still for all of 5 seconds taking in what he just said until her face lit up and she tackled him to the ground kissing him all over. "Woah, slow down, slow down...what do you think" he asked with a smile on his face.

"Oh Derek its perfect, I love it!" she replied crashing her lips to his. They shared a perfect passion-filled moment. Derek pulled his hands up and gently placed them on either side of Meredith's face, the smell of lavender engulfing his senses. He nibbled on her bottom lip, hearing a faint moan escape from her perfect lips. "I love you Derek Shepherd" Meredith whispered to him feeling all her emotions swelling in her chest.

"I love you too."

Derek returned to reality to the sound of his pager blaring. He missed her so much. He wished he could take it all back. His mistakes. His lies. He was only with Rose for the comfort of the relationship. He didn't realize it until recently but he was more infatuated with the idea of something more. Its not that he didn't love Meredith, its just that he rushed into a marriage with her and didn't know if he was ready to settle down again. He was scared Meredith would hurt him like Addison did. He knew in his heart that she wouldn't but his mind just didn't agree. He knew that Rose was ready for commitment and he never had doubts about her, but Meredith was so unpredictable. What if she stopped loving him? He was scared of being alone. But now that he lost Mer, he wanted her even more. Forever. He wanted to raise children with her and now its all gone. He was empty. A shell of the man he once was.

He looked at his watch. 3:10. He was late for his surgery. "Shit! Could this day get any worse?" Derek cursed to himself grabbing his lab coat and sprinting out the door towards OR #2.

-------------------------------------------------

Why did she keep doing this to herself. Why was this so hard. Just get over it. He doesn't want you anymore. Pull yourself together. Breathe in. Breathe out. It hurts. It hurts to breathe. Keep Breathing. Do it for Delia, she needs you. Don't give up.

Meredith's eyes fluttered awake to bright light. She rolls over engulfing herself in the sheets. Breathe in. Breathe out. She doesn't remember getting in bed. Cristina and Iz must have put her in here last night. They do that a lot. Take care of her.

Meredith drifted in and out of consciousness for the next couple of hours until Izzie quietly entered the room. Her heart broke every time Meredith did this to herself. Get drunk in the bathtub and pass out, the night ending with Cris and I putting her into bed. Meredith is like my sister, I wish I could fix it this time.

"Mer, sweetie?" Izzie said softly. "Mer, time to get up. Delia needs mommy" she said a little louder. Meredith began to stir under her sheets until she slowly pulled them down off her face and was staring back at Izzie.

"Bathtub again Iz?" Meredith asked with a concerned look on her face. She was dreading hearing Izzie's answer.

"Yes Meredith. You finished the whole bottle this time. You cant keep doing this to yourself, ok? We are worried about you." Izzie proclaimed. "What if you slipped under the water and drowned and no one knew. What about Delia? You can't risk leaving her all alone."

"I know Iz. I'm just sad. I want this to stop hurting but it just wont. I want him back so bad. Is that horrible?" Meredith said, tears threatening her emerald eyes.

"No honey, your only human. He is the father of your child you know. What if he tries to get Delia?" Izzie asked with a frightened look on her face.

"I've been wondering when he was gonna ask me to come spend time with her, but i guess he really doesn't care." said Meredith, longingly, secretly wishing he would show up again. That's all she wanted. To see him, smell him, take all of him in. She missed making love to him during a rainstorm. Why couldn't it just go back to the way it was before. Before Rose. Before Addison. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Meredith loaded Delia into her car seat in the back of the Jeep and jumped in the front. She put the diaper bag in the front seat and flipped on her radio and took off. Maybe a day of rest, relaxation and shopping was what she needed. She pulled into the parking lot of Pacific Place. She loved going here. It was a huge shopping center in downtown Seattle. She walked around for a while, eventually ending up in Barnes and Noble. She looked through the many rows and rows of books to pass the time. She missed work. It used to take her mind off of everything but now she had to keep herself busy 24/7 just to be remotely ok. She turned the corner with Delia's stroller running into someone and nearly knocking them over.

"OH MY GOSH! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you." Meredith explained as the dark-haired woman gathered her books off of the ground.

"Its Ok..." replied the woman, standing up to meet the eyes of Meredith.

"Rose. I"m sorry, I'll just be going" an angry Meredith exclaimed. Rose was the last person she wanted to be talking to today.

"Meredith, wait please? Just give me one minute..." Rose said with a pained look on her face.

"What do you want?" said an annoyed Meredith.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. He's miserable. I know its because of you. He misses..." said Rose only to be interrupted mid sentence by Meredith.

"I hardly think that this is any of your concern Rose. You broke up my marriage. You stole Delia's father. Distracted him from me and her. She is all alone, just like me while you're off gallivanting with Mcdreamy." Meredith snapped back at Rose. "You knew good and well that he was married and you still let it go on. If you were the bigger person you wouldn't have been near my husband. Just leave me the hell alone." Finished Meredith pushing Delia the opposite direction and out the door.

She pulled out her cell entering in Izzies number for a text as she walked back to her car, her day of shopping ruined already.

emrgcy grls nght tnght.

tell cris nd lex. Im a wrek.

-mer

She loaded Delia back into the car and pulled out her buzzing cell.

u ok? wut happnd.

-iz

Meredith sighed. She quickly went to work on the phone's keypad.

ran into Rose. literaly. mall.

pissed off. tequila tnght?

-mer

Meredith responded. She missed her Tequila. But then again, tequila's what got her in this whole mess in the first place...

ya sure. i'll be hme as soon as poss.

-iz

Meredith read before she pulled out from the spot and drove back home. Maybe tonight would be just what she needed.