Chapter Thirteen
I wake up as the sun rises with Faith holding me, her front pressed tightly against my back, her hand resting just below my breast, and her warm breath tickling over the back of my neck. I try not to move too much, it's far too early to be awake right now. I move my fingers on my right hand a little, feeling sore as ever, but definitely not broken anymore. I smile to myself at the many benefits of slayer healing; nothing stays broken for too long even if it isn't completely healed in just twenty-four hours.
"What ya doing awake?" Faith mumbles as she tightens her hold on me a little. "Fuckin' way too early, B. Go back to sleep."
"I'm not tired."
"Then would ya quit thinking? My head fuckin' hurts right now."
"Serves you right for drinking like that," I mutter in reply as I turn around slowly so I can look at her. "You drooled on me, didn't you?"
"Possibly," she smirks as she slides her eyes shut and lets out a soft groan. "You got any Advil or anything around here, B?"
"In the bathroom. Do you want me to get you a couple?"
"If ya don't mind," she groans again softly. "B?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for stayin' last night. Didn't have to."
"Well, it is my bed you chose to pass out on last night," I laugh as I slip out from her gently yet tight hold and off the bed. "Give me a few minutes and I'll be right back."
She smiles a little and I can't help but smile right back. I got a funny feeling all hell is about to break loose and as soon as I open my bedroom door I find Satsu standing in the doorway to her room just down the hall. She looks furious and she looks as if she hasn't slept at all. I sigh and make my way down to the main bathroom and grab two Advil's and fill up the small plastic cup that's always on the sink with some cold water. I turn off the tap and catch Satsu's reflection in the mirror and I really am not in the mood to deal with her right now.
"You never came last night," she says softly as I slowly turn around to face her. "Why?"
"Satsu, I-"
"There's something going on between you and Faith, isn't there?"
"There is nothing going on between us."
"Don't lie to me, Buffy. I'm not as stupid as you'd like to believe I am."
"I am not doing this right now," I say with a half laugh as I walk past her and head back to my room with her right behind me. "Please just leave me alone right now, Satsu."
I walk into my room and I don't even look back at her because I know if I do, I'll see the tears I know are streaming down her cheeks right now. I lock the door behind me and take in a few shaky breaths before I make my way over to the bed and sit down next to Faith.
"Had a little lovers spat with Sats?" Faith asks me softly as I hand her the Advil and the glass of water. "Gonna take that as a yes."
"When did everything become so complicated?" I ask, but I'm not really asking her, just thinking out loud. "It wasn't supposed to be so complicated."
"Everything is complicated when ya start playing on the same team, B. Guessing things got all complicated and shit when I showed up 'cause I got my dumb ass evicted."
"Everything got complicated when you walked in on me and Satsu. How come you never..." I trail off realizing I really don't know how to ask her what I want to ask her right now and she lets out a little laugh as she downs the water in the cup and places it on the nightstand.
"How come I what, B? Never told you I wanted a chance with you? You've gone fucking crazy, haven't you?"
"No. I want to know."
"Knowing you, B, you woulda kicked my ass so far outta your life if you ever knew how I felt about you before. At least you would've before you hooked up with Satsu."
"That's not true."
I sigh when she doesn't say anything and I know she's right. I know if she even mentioned that she wanted something more than a friendship with me, in a very sexual way, I would have made sure she had nothing to do with me or anyone else in my life. I sigh again as I move to sit on the other side of the bed and I grab my pillow and place it behind my head as I lean back against the headboard.
"How long?"
"We really talkin' about this?" Faith laughs as she shakes her head slowly. "Damn, you know I don't do this whole talkin' thing too well when I'm hung over."
"You don't do it too well sober either."
"Been a long time," she says softly. "Don't know how long exactly. Don't keep track of these kinds of things."
We both laugh and it feels a little surreal to be talking about this. I feel like a complete asshole too for treating Satsu the way I have been lately. She doesn't deserve this at all and she doesn't deserve having me push her away because I don't want to deal. I sigh as I move down on the bed and lay on my side with my back to Faith. I don't want her to see me cry. Not now.
"What's up, B? You ain't upset 'cause of what I just said, are ya?"
"No," I say, choking back the tears as I keep my back to her. "I was just thinking about Satsu."
"So we were having a heart to heart and now all you can think about is her?" Faith asks, laughing a little as she runs a hand down my arm slowly. "I'm sorry, you know, for coming between you two."
"It's not your fault."
"Kinda feels like it is," she says and I feel her shrug as she casually slips her arm around me and pulls me close to her. "Am I going crazy here, B?"
"Why would you say that?"
"All I want to do is be close to you right now. Ain't never felt like this with anyone else before."
I'm going to go out on a limb and say her hangover is quickly disappearing as I feel her lips against the back of my neck. I close my eyes, only wanting to get lost in this little moment that's happening between us and shut out the rest of the world along with the rest of my thoughts. I can't hold back the soft moan that escapes past my lips as she nips at my shoulder lightly. With the way she's kissing, licking and nibbling her way over my shoulder and neck, it's setting my entire body on fire. I press back into her as her fingers trail over the waistband of my shorts and it takes all I have in me not to stop her when I know I should right about now.
I don't know when I've become such a...slut. All I can ever think about around Faith now is fucking her, her fucking me, taking me to the edge and beyond like I know she can now. I turn my head and see her smile as our lips barely touch. I feel her hot breath over my lips as I move to my back and reach for her head, pulling her in for a deep kiss that is full of fiery passion I've grown to accept will always be between us from here on out. The guilt I'm feeling over Satsu makes me stop suddenly and I look at Faith for a moment, unable to find any words to say at first.
"We have to stop this," I whisper, feeling pain much worse than the guilt ripping through me. "I can't do this again, Faith."
"But your body wants it," she whispers back, but she doesn't press for more as she moves away from me and gets up from the bed. "Whatever, B. Was good while it lasted. I guess it's better for you to do the right thing right now, huh?"
"I don't even know what the right thing is," I say honestly as I watch her walk over to the window, grabbing her cigarettes on the way. "Why couldn't all of this have happened before this situation with Falken?"
"You think it would've made it easier to deal?" Faith asks as she lights a cigarette and sits down on the windowsill. "This sitch with Falken was long overdue, B. We just got lucky for those few months. Can't expect the luck to hold out, not when you live the life we gotta live."
I sigh as I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of the rest of the house as they wake up to start their day. I lick over my lips slowly, tasting Faith and wishing I didn't try to do the right thing and stop things from happening between us. It isn't just my body that's aching for her, every bit of my heart and soul is aching for her as well. I know I'm putting myself through hell I don't need, but I can't help it with everything that's been happening lately.
"I can't handle this."
"Handle what, B?"
"Feeling this way for you!" I burst out as I sit up slowly on the bed. "You and me? It wasn't supposed to happen and it isn't supposed to feel so goddamn right!"
"Buffy-"
"Why do you make me feel this way, Faith? That's all I want to know is why," I say, not letting her speak and I breathe out heavily as she flicks her cigarette out the window and makes her way back over to the bed. "All these years we've been here and we've never tried to be friends and now...now we're..."
"Fuckin' hot for each other?" Faith offers softly and she smiles a little, not a smug smile, just a smile. "Was bound to happen eventually if you ask me. I know why it feels so right, B."
"Why?"
"It's 'cause this is what we've been fighting for years, even back in the day when we first met."
"When did you get so wise and understanding? I don't even understand this!"
"B?" Faith laughs as she sits on the bed next to me. "Calm down, you're freaking out."
"I just can't deal with this with you and with things with Satsu when I know all our focus should be on Falken right now."
"We'll work it out, B. We'll get the asshole and we'll figure this shit out between us too."
I sigh and nod my head, trying to trust her words since there's nothing else for me to trust, not even myself. We share one last kiss, keeping it chaste, before we make our way downstairs to the living room to join the others. I'm not surprised to find the house completely full with the few teams of Slayers that had come in sometime last night. Giles is busy briefing them, catching them up on the situation with Falken and I barely look at any of them as I make my way into the kitchen to get myself a much needed cup of coffee.
Willow is the only one in the kitchen and she's sitting alone at the table, flipping through one of the many books stacked up on the table while she sips her coffee. I get myself a cup and join her at the table, sighing out heavily as she closes the book at looks at me with her world-famous resolve face.
"So, I heard you and Faith slept together last night."
"We didn't do anything," I say quietly as I hold the mug with both hands. "God, Will. Everything is so completely...confusing lately."
"Tell me about it. When I found out about you and Satsu, I really didn't see that coming and then I find out about you and Faith and hello major brain complex. I can't even imagine how you feel right now. You do know I am always here to talk," she says with a smile as her resolve face completely disappears. "Satsu is really upset this morning. She and Kennedy are out back right now, talking."
"It's all my fault," I reply and I let out a soft sigh as I raise the mug to my lips and take a tentative sip. "I told her I was going to come to her room last night and I never did. I stayed with Faith instead."
"You need to make a choice, Buffy."
"I know, Will. I just don't know what the right one is right now."
"Oh," she says and her eyes open wide. "Oh! You are so falling in love with Faith, aren't you?"
"No! Who said anything about love?"
"It's been a long time since I've seen that look in your eyes, Buffy. Look," she says as she leans towards me a little. "It's okay if you're falling in love with her. It sort of makes sense that you'd fall for her instead of Satsu."
"How does it make sense, Will? I've been with Satsu for three years and I've never had these kinds of feelings for her no matter how hard I've tried to. I feel like my heart is betraying me right now and I really don't know what I'm going to do to make everything right. With this situation with Falken, I know I can't figure it out right now. It has to wait."
"Who says it has to wait, Buffy? Love doesn't wait for anyone or anything, it just happens and it always happens when you least expect it to. Take it from me, I know," she says with a soft, understanding smile. "Let me ask you something. When you're around Faith, what do you feel?"
"It feels right and wrong at the same time. Wrong because I'm with Satsu and I know I shouldn't...I shouldn't be with Faith too. Why does it feel so right, Will? That's what I don't understand."
"Feels right because you're falling in love with her," Willow says softly and she reaches out and hugs me a little. "It's okay to fall in love with her, Buffy. I know she's probably just as scared as you are and I know she's feeling things for you she won't readily admit, not even to herself. This is Faith we're talking about here, don't forget that."
"She's going to end up breaking my heart, Will. She'll never be able to give me what I want and what I need from her. She's...she's Faith. She doesn't do relationships. We all know she doesn't. It's stupid for me to believe maybe she'll change and she'll be able to give me everything I want and need from her. I have to stop believing in forever and take what I can right here and now."
"Believing in forever is what makes you you, Buffy," she says and I just laugh as I shake my head. "You are a true romantic at heart and you believe in most things the rest of the world has given up on. There's nothing wrong with it either, Buff. You can't always think about Slayer stuff, even if we are in the middle of trying to fight a big bad. It's not wrong to want to feel something real, something deep despite what's going on in the rest of your life. Sometimes you need to feel something else to make yourself stronger for the real problems life hands you."
She's right on so many levels and she knows it too. Sometimes the things that Willow says to me shock me and yet at the same time, it doesn't. She's been through her fair share in life, just as we all have. I look down at my once-broken hand and flex my fingers around the mug, feeling just slight discomfort as I do. I have a lot to think about right now even though it seems like everything is against me trying to do just that. Willow just flashes a soft smile my way before she opens the book in front of her again and continues reading. I sit back in the chair and listen to the others in the living room as Giles continues to brief them on all that we know about Falken, about Vivienne, and about the Hell city underground where we know Falken's army is growing bigger with every day that passes.
Satsu doesn't even look at me when she and Kennedy come inside a little while later. I know that look she has on her face, a look of pure anger that's rare when it comes to her. It makes me feel even guiltier for putting her through this and I know I need to talk to her and come clean about what's going on between Faith and me. I don't though, I just watch her walk out of the kitchen to join the others in the living room, and Kennedy gives me a disapproving look as she sits down at the table with Willow and I.
"Hey B?" Faith says as she walks into the kitchen and I turn to her, unable to keep the small smile from curling over my lips as she looks over at me. "We're all heading out for a run. You coming with?"
"No, I think I'll just stay here."
"Suit yourself. When you can't outrun the vamps in Falken's army, don't expect me to save your ass," she says with a laugh and a wink before she walks back out of the kitchen.
Kennedy just shoots me a look as she gets up to join Faith and the others and I only roll my eyes as I finish off my coffee and practically run out of the house to catch up with them. in total, there are about twenty-five girls on our front lawn and I don't even want to think about what the neighbours are thinking seeing so many of us out here.
Faith has taken the lead, instructing the girls to stay close and keep up as she takes off down the street. I look over at Satsu, who is doing everything she can to keep her distance from me as she stretches out and jogs to catch up with the others. I let out a deep breath and look over at Kennedy, who is waiting for me, and I start up in a slow jog with her at my side.
We eventually catch up with the others and after an hour of running through the quiet streets in our neighbourhood, Faith comes to a stop at a small park, void of any other human beings despite it being such a beautiful day. A couple of the girls collapse on the grass, panting heavily as they try to catch their breath. I find a shady spot under a tree and I look over at Faith as she and Kennedy stand across the small field at the park and I see Faith's eyes roaming over to meet with mine every couple of minutes. If I don't have any hope in defeating Falken, at least I have a tiny glimmer of hope of figuring things out with Faith.