A/N: Word of advice, everyone. Don't make promises you can't keep. Though, technically I suppose I didn't promise anything, I nonetheless feel guilty about such long delays between chapters, especially after saying I'd try to get back to regular updating. Oh well, it is what it is. I'm not going to make the same mistake this time. All I'm going to say is this: there will be a chapter 5, and I will post it when I finish it. It might be a couple days, it might be a week, it might be two. Time will tell. Anyhow, here's chapter 4.

DISCLAIMER/LEGAL MUMBO-JUMBO: I do not own The Last of Us, it is Naughty Dog's property.

CHAPTER 4

DOUBT

"Are you sure you're fine waiting here by yourself?" Maria asked.

"Yes, I'm sure," Ellie said with no small hint of annoyance.

Maria looked at her skeptically, but finally conceded. "Alright. If I see Joel on the way back, I'll let him know you're waiting for him."

"Thanks."

Maria turned and walked down the path back toward the street, passing through the gap in the picket fence and heading toward her and Tommy's house. Ellie leaned against the beam of the porch, watching Maria until she disappeared from sight.

Their walk hadn't been unpleasant by any means. She got to meet a couple of kids her age, but none of them really interested her that much. Most of them had been living either in quarantine zones or in Tommy's town for the majority of their lives. They hadn't been on the road for a year, seeing the things she had seen, doing the things she had done. They were still sheltered. Still retained some sense of innocence. They were still kids.

Ellie kept her eyes on the street, waiting to see Joel come into view. After realizing she had no idea how long it would be until he returned, she decided to take advantage of the chair sitting on the porch. She pulled the chair forward so she could put her feet up on the railing while she sat.

The sun was careening toward the horizon as the late hours of the afternoon transitioned into evening. Ellie reached down to check and clean her switchblade, a habit she had taken to whenever she was bored, but was reminded she had left it on the windowsill in the extra room upstairs. She let air buzz through her lips in equal parts frustration and boredom.

Rising to her feet, she scanned the porch, looking for something to occupy her wandering mind. Thoughts and suspicions about Joel and what he had told her on the ridge over Jackson had their way of seeping into her idle ruminations, so she went out of her way to keep herself occupied. She stepped out onto the lawn and headed to the backyard.

From the various items scattered across the lawn, she could gather that their house had once belonged to a family. There was a picnic table in the backyard, a rusted grill, and a dilapidated jungle gym. Ellie marveled at the jungle gym, imagining what it was like to just play on one in a quiet backyard, with no Infected or hunters to worry about. She came close to climbing onto it to find out, but brushed the thought away.

Something small in the corner of the backyard caught her eye, and she sauntered over to it. It was a plot of dirt, marked by a small, weathered wooden cross with the name "Cosmo" carved into it. It must have been a grave for a pet. A dog, maybe. Ellie had always enjoyed animals, and had secretly wanted a puppy her whole life, but it was a luxury no one could afford. Perhaps now that they had settled down, it would become a possibility.

Ellie sat down cross-legged in front of the grave and stared at it for awhile. It reminded her of the one she and Joel had stumbled across outside Tommy's dam, which, in turn, reminded her of the ones she had insisted they dig for Henry and Sam. Sam's death was another contributor to Ellie's reluctance to connect with any of the children in town. The last two kids her age she had befriended died in front of her and, fair or not, the idea of that happening again had left her shut off to others her age.

Beyond that, Joel had taught her, amongst a myriad of other things, that you can't trust anyone. Ellie was beginning to wonder if even Joel himself was subject to that rule, especially after his patchwork story about Salt Lake City. Too much of it didn't make sense. Why did she wake up in a "hospital gown," still groggy as the "drugs were wearing off?" How were there supposedly "dozens of people" just like her? Marlene had made it quite clear that Ellie was the only case she was aware of. Could dozens of people really have come out of the woodwork in just a year?

Ellie snapped back to the present to realize she had risen and begun pacing. She kicked herself for letting her mind doubt Joel. He wouldn't lie to her, not about something like that. And even if he did lie, he must have had a damn good reason for doing so. She turned toward the house and went inside, absentmindedly heading upstairs. She headed towards her room, but hesitated at the door of the unused bedroom. Walking over to it, she peered her head in. The switchblade was still right where she had left it. Satisfied, she headed back to her room and plopped down on the mattress. There she lay, head propped up against the wall, staring at the ceiling while waiting for Joel to return.

She blew a few stray strands of hair out of her face and dragged her backpack up next to her. Her hands rummaged around for a few seconds until they found the secret compartment. The familiar tattered paper greeted her fingertips as they reached inside the compartment, and she pulled out the spattered letter. Her fingers passed over the bloody imprints left by someone else's fingers stained on the top of the page. It was a mystery who they belonged to. Were they her mother's? Marlene's?

Her eyes pored over the words that she'd read hundreds of times. Life is worth living! Ellie read over the words again and again, as if the repetition in her head would make her believe it. Find your purpose and fight for it. Ellie blinked and read over the sentence again, struck by the words. They were so similar to something Joel had said before entering Jackson. No matter what, you keep findin' something to fight for. Ellie looked up from the letter and stared blankly at the opposite wall. She had brushed Joel off when he had said that on the ridge, but now, the juxtaposition of his words with those penned by her mother forced her to revisit what he had said.

Ellie replayed the scene in her head. She could feel the soft breeze on her skin, and picture the overcast sky above them, the houses lining the valley of Jackson framed behind Joel.

"I struggled for a long time with survivin'... and…" Joel's hand unconsciously reached for the broken watch, rubbing his fingers over the cracked face. "No matter what…" he was struggling with the words, "... you keep findin' something to fight for." Ellie sighed in frustration. "Now I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but it's-"

"Swear to me…"

Ellie stared at the far wall of the bedroom. What was her purpose? What was she fighting for, now that this chance of redemption with the Fireflies had been extinguished? What about Joel? What was he fighting for?

"Ellie?"

Her eyes left the far wall and moved to the doorway to find Joel peering around the partially-open door. She had been so deep in thought she hadn't even heard him enter the house.

"You're back," she remarked.

"Yeah. You hungry?"

As if on cue, her stomach grumbled. She looked down at it and back at Joel. "Apparently."

He chuckled. "Hey, what's that you got there?"

Ellie's eyes fell to the letter in her hands. "Oh, it's…" she hesitated. She wasn't sure if she wanted to let Joel into this part of her life. "It's a letter."

"From who?"

"My mother."

A look of surprise crossed Joel's face. "Serious?"

Ellie nodded. "Mmm-hmm. She must have written it right before she died. It was given to me in a package along with her switchblade."

Joel studied her for a moment. Before he could say anything, Ellie folded up the letter and placed it in her backpack.

She popped up off of the bed. "Well… you were saying something about food?"

"Yeah. C'mon."

"Sho…" Ellie murmured through a mouthful of stew. "How wash the walk to shee the gatesh and outposhtsh with Tommy?"

Joel looked at her with a smirk. "How 'bout you swallow your food before you talk, hm?"

Ellie looked up at him and teasingly showed him a mouthful of masticated stew.

"Cute. It was alright," he replied tersely.

"Alright? You two get to catch up a bit, at least?"

Joel's gaze suddenly left the room and focused on something miles away. Before Ellie could comment, his attention returned. "Yeah."

Ellie didn't pick up on his demeanor, picking up some more stew with her spoon. "Must have been nice, catching up with dear old brother, huh?"

"Sure," Joel nodded and, succumbing to the pressure of guilt on his mind, quickly changed the subject. "How was your walk with Maria?"

Ellie shrugged and shoveled the spoonful of stew into her mouth. After making sure to chew and swallow the bite, she replied, "It was alright."

"Alright?" Joel asked, mirroring Ellie's tone from moments before, conjuring an eye-roll from his companion. "Did you meet any kids your age?"

She nodded. "Yeah, there were a few. None nearly as badass as me, though," she said proudly.

"I reckon you're right about that."

They sat together eating their stew silently for a few minutes. Ellie eventually broke the silence. "Hey Joel? Do you think… I mean, if the situation arises… if it's even a possibility, that… we could… get a puppy?" she asked timidly.

Joel ran a hand over his beard. "A puppy, hmmm? Well, I reckon we'd have to find one first. Domesticated dogs are pretty hard to find these days. Tommy had one at the dam, though… I suppose I could ask around…"

Ellie was ecstatic at the fact that he hadn't immediately shot down the idea. "Really?"

"Sure, why not? A dog might be nice to have around. If we get him young we can train him to be a guard dog for our house."

Ellie sprung up from her seat and started tugging at Joel's arm. "Fuck this! Let's go, right now! C'mon, let's go! Let's go find a puppy!"

He paused for a moment and soaked in this moment, seeing Ellie truly being the kid the world had obscured. Finally, he brushed her off his sleeve. "Slow down, kiddo, what's the rush? I'll ask Tommy if he has any puppy connections tomorrow. It's gettin' dark out."

She relented and sulked back to her seat. "Fiiine."

Joel was amused at her behavior. If he was being honest with himself, he had missed it. He hadn't seen these kinds of theatrics since Sarah. He stood up and took their plates to the sink. "Lookin' forward to havin' runnin' water again," he said.

"I'm looking forward to experiencing indoor plumbing."

Joel smiled. "C'mon. What say you read me one of them comics you're so fond of. Try to explain to me what all the fuss is about."

Joel gently slid the comic out from under Ellie's head. She hadn't quite made it through the third comic of the night before sleep took her, and Joel watched her drift off mid-sentence, quite entertained by it. He gingerly lifted her head to slip her pillow underneath it and brushed the rebellious lock of hair behind her ear once again.

"Night, baby girl," he whispered.

He eased himself down on the other side of the mattress, trying not to disturb her. It was becoming quite clear to him that Ellie's bedroom likely wouldn't be getting much use for awhile. He was okay with that, comforted by her presence and the knowledge that she was safe.

Joel stared out the window, waiting for sleep to come. The stars over Wyoming shone bright in the clear night air. The distant lights gave him a moment of pause, as he reflected on the scale of everything and on his place in it all. What might be the most valuable asset in the entire universe was curled up asleep next to him. He couldn't hold back the wave of guilt that broke over him. He fought it with every fiber of his being, but ultimately, his energy gave out as sleep plunged him into another dream.

AFTERMATH: PART II CONTINUES

WITH CHAPTER 5