We are the dark.
We are the dark, John.
What was normal? John thought. Was it the life of a bachelor? Being able to afford a good place, pay your bills, sleep with anyone you want and do whatever you want? Was that normal?
Or was normal being in a relationship, getting married and having children?
Was it being closed off emotionally from everyone and everything? Was it your ability to stop a man's heart with just the right blow? Being able to shoot him at just the right angle so he didn't bleed to death before you questioned him? It was what he was used to. It was how he'd survived for so long.
What was normal? He didn't know anymore.
We are the dark, John. We are the dark.
TWO WEEKS AFTER THANKSGIVING
"Now they've only got us by 5 points."
Reese and Taylor looked in the direction of Daniel Miller and his father, who was standing, with arms crossed staring right back at them.
"Don't let them intimidate you. Look at me."
He said and spun Taylor round to look at him. He leaned down, putting his hand on his shoulders. "Now you can do this. Just remember what I told you, okay?"
"Yeah, I remember. Yeah."
"Come on you're up."
They were doing archery now, the last competing event of the Father Son Retreat that Taylor's class was having. They had driven two hours out of New York City to Fallow Falls Retreat. A large complex with countless acres of land, perfect for the sports and games they had planned for the day and it had been eventful.
So far the only real competition Taylor and Reese had had was the Millers. They were in the final rounds of events, down by five measly points and with one more shot, they could win. He sensed that Taylor really wanted to win, badly.
"One more shot. Get in your stance. Relax you arm, bring your shoulder down just a little more. That's great. Okay now pull back and see it before you do it."
He watched the determination on the boy's face. His concentration, his focus, he was ready.
"Okay, I can see you're ready. Just release it." They both watched as the arrow sailed through the air smoothly, like a blade cutting it, parting it softly as it made its way to its target. He stood in the back of Taylor as they watched with his hands on the boy's shoulder.
They watched together, everyone silent until the point of the arrow landed directly in the middle hitting the target soundly with a loud thud.
Everyone erupted into applause and screams. Taylor jumped to his feet, punching his fist into the air and Reese couldn't help but smile. He'd done it.
His grin was wide and his laughter reminded Reese of his mother. He watched as his friends crowded him, slapping him on the back, shaking his hand. This was his moment and he earned it.
The Millers came over congratulating them, shaking Reese's hand and Daniel traded laughs with Taylor. When everyone started to file out for the small awards ceremony, Taylor turned to him gratitude on his face.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"No really. Thank you."
Reese nodded at him and the boy impulsively hugged him. He was taken aback by the sudden display of affection. It reminded him of what he never had with his father. The images and memories conjured up hit him painfully and he slowly put his arms around Taylor, as tears stung his eyes.
"You did well." It's all he could manage to say.
Carter sat at home listening to her son as he gushed about the whole day and spending time with Reese. They were on the drive home and close to the city now. On and on he went and she felt tears come to her eyes as he told her how they both ended up winning the whole day of games and he had a ribbon and a pin to prove it.
His initial admiration for John after being rescued from Elias' men turned into genuine fondness and affection after the first time John had dinner with them and especially after today. She was glad they had a good time. She spoke briefly to John who said he was looking forward to seeing her later. Taylor was sleeping at her mom's tonight and they would have the house to themselves.
She had only mentioned the retreat in passing to him, but then he ended up questioning her about it. She was surprised he was interested and when he said he'd go on the field trip with him, she was skeptical. She didn't know if she could believe her ears. He showed up early that morning intent on keeping his promise to go with Taylor. She seen them both off, but she had no idea how much her son would end up enjoying himself.
She sat in the living room in front of the TV waiting for him. He called to say he was outside and she swung the door open to let him in.
With a grin on his face he waved the ribbon around in his hand.
"What does this say?" He said looking at it. "Number One." He said holding up his pointy finger.
"Let me see it." She said reaching for it but he held it out of her reach, dangling it right above her head.
"What'd you want to see, this?" she rolled her eyes smiling trying her best to snatch it out of his grasp, but of course he had a significant height advantage on her. She couldn't get it. Just when she was about to give up, he put it within her grasp but instead of letting her hold it, he kissed her instead. She wrapped her arms around him feeling so good in his arms.
She thought of Taylor and the pure joy in his voice and thought that John didn't really have to do what he did. He didn't even do it for Taylor. He did it for her.
"What's the matter? He said when he looked at her.
"I just…thank you…..for this." She said grabbing the ribbon out of his hand. "It means a lot to me….to my son…..and…" she didn't get to finish. He kissed her again and they got lost in each other.
They stumbled against the wall and his hands travelled over her body, touching the spots she liked. They undressed each other, leaving pieces of clothing through the hallway in their hurry to get to the bedroom.
When they finally tumbled onto the bed together, she felt as if it was the first time. They were back in his apartment making love, exploring each other just as they had after the ball. She got on top of him running her lips over his chest, letting her tongue slide over his flesh and she kissed him over and over. She drew his nipples into her mouth, sucked on his neck and felt his fingers trail over her back.
She could feel his stomach flutter underneath her touch as she ran her hand over it. She looked at his face, his eyes hooded, he seemed so vulnerable. She took him in her hands and slowly lowered herself onto him. She bent her head towards his, pressed her lips on his and slid her tongue into his mouth.
His hands moved over her butt as she rode him, pushing him deeper and deeper inside. His hands connected with hers, and he locked fingers with her, pulling her down to meet his kiss again.
Their moans mingled together, heavy breathing, his words whispered against her ear. He bit down on her neck when she finally found her release and he joined her but seconds later.
"Joss…" he was grabbing at her, her back, her neck, her face and she held onto him as he pulled her closer. They held onto each other, and she felt so close to him in that moment.
"Joss….." He was calling her name again.
"I love you, John." She said kissing him hard. "I love you so much."
O0o0o0o
"I saw your little exchange with your girlfriend at the airport. It was sweet, really." Kara said coldly as she handed Reese photos of he and Jessica talking right before he boarded his flight. He knew that he was watched from time to time, but he hadn't known he was being watched that day. It didn't matter, things with Jessica had been over for years and it was the first time he'd seen her in a while.
Still he couldn't deny the pain and cowardice he felt when she wanted him to ask her to wait. He couldn't quite forget the pain of uttering those words after she'd gone.
"What'd you talk about? Did you get all caught up?"
"Do you have something you want to say Kara? Just say it and get it over with."
"Just wanted to remind you of who you are and who you'll never be."
"I remember just fine, Kara. You never let me forget it."
Remember who you are, John.
Reese' eyes opened wide in the dark. He'd had another nightmare. Carter was still asleep beside him, he was glad he hadn't disturbed her. He got up out of bed slowly and walked into the kitchen to get himself a drink of water.
He was sinking. He didn't know why, but he was sinking. He thought of Morgan. He hadn't through of her in years.
He couldn't save her. Just like Jessica.
He couldn't save her.
He went back into the bedroom where Carter was sleeping.
She loved him.
He stood over the bed watching her.
She loved him. It should be enough.
The touch on her arm caused Carter to wake up. Reese was sitting on the bed to her left, his fingers running up and down her arm. He touched her face softly, gripped her arms and she knew something was wrong.
She was about to ask what it was when he kissed her hard. He wanted something, he needed something. She sensed that he was afraid of something. But she didn't know what. She just knew that he needed her, now.
He kissed her again, bruising her lips with his own. His hands on her skin were urgent, his mouth on her body was demanding. He parted her legs and pounded into her with force. He held onto her so tightly trying to expel whatever it was that was haunting him right now. His fingers dug into her shoulders, her waist. He seemed desperate.
All she could do was hold onto him as he moved within her. He was rough, she thought and she felt his thrusts matched the turmoil he was feeling.
She cupped his face in her hands and tried to get him to focus on her.
"John. I'm here, John." He was still on top of her, still inside her. "Whatever it is, I won't let it hurt you." She kissed him then and the groan that left his throat was one of pain mixed with relief. "I'm here."
He buried his face in her neck, slowing his pace just a little and she knew they'd connected again.
When he came she held him tight, rubbed his back and kept telling him it was okay. She cupped his face again and noticed her palms were wet. He was crying.
She held him tighter and he didn't say a word. She kept rubbing his back, touching his face, touching him everywhere so he would know he wasn't alone.
"I'm here." She repeated again and again. "I'm here."
THREE DAYS LATER
"You ever considered maybe his cousin had something to do with it?" Carter walked over to Fusco's desk, handing him the file he asked her to take a look at. "Something's off with his supposed trip to Boston. It doesn't coincide with the dates he gave in his initial statement."
"Thanks a lot Carter." He said and picked up the phone.
She was on her way to pick up something from the filing room when she heard her name called. She spun round and saw a delivery guy walking in her direction.
"Are you Detective Carter?"
"Yes I am." She said and he held out a box to her. It was a little weighty.
"Delivery for you. Sign here, please." She signed at the bottom of the delivery form and took the small box to her desk. Opening it slowly she wondered who it was from. She moved the protective foam from the box and unwrapped the tissue paper.
Inside the box was a crystal jasmine with lavender petals, green leaves and pearls at the centre. The logo on the box said Swarovski. It was beautiful, she thought and she opened the card that came with it. There were only two words written in the middle;
I'm sorry
She knew it was from Reese. It was an apology. It was his way of compensating for the other night. She was worried. She didn't want to admit it, but she was worried. Something was going on that he didn't want to talk about.
She was worried.
O0o0o
It was dark by the pier and the moon was especially huge tonight, she thought. She stood with her hands resting on the railing and heard footsteps in the back of her.
She tightened her coat and stuck her hands in her pockets not looking at him as he stood beside her.
"It was really beautiful, the jasmine." She said.
He nodded.
They stared out at the water together, not speaking, but their stillness said so much. The minutes ticked away slowly.
"You have to trust me, John."
She waited in silence again. Waiting for him to say something, anything.
"I do." He said, finally.
ONE WEEK LATER
The calm before the storm.
The calm before the storm, she thought.
That's what it was.
Right before everything started to fracture. There was a noticeable change in him. Gone were the calls right before bedtime, the wake up calls in the mornings. The nightmares came more frequently and his moods swings were giving her whiplash. He wasn't mean, he wasn't angry, but he'd become distant. Their time together was sporadic and she never knew what his temperament would be when she saw him.
She confronted him about it, but he said he was fine.
"You're not fine, John. Something's going on, you won't let me in."
"Joss….."
"You said you trusted me. Prove it. Let. Me. In." He stared at her, and she was frustrated with yet another one of his stoic expressions.
"I'm leaving." She walked away, her hand on the door, but he closed the distance quickly, stopping her.
"Joss…..please….there's….you have to understand….I just ….don't go. Please."
"I want to stay, but you're not even here with me. We're in the room together and I feel like I'm the only one here. How long is this gonna go on? I can ride out anything with you, but you have to let me in."
She stood there pleading, but he was still unable to answer her. She turned around again to leave when she felt his mouth on her neck, his hands on her back. She was angry, she was tired of him pushing her away, but her desire for him was stronger than ever.
"John, no…."
He wouldn't let up; his hands were undoing the buttons of her shirt, the clasp of her bra.
"John…please…..we need to talk." But how could she when his lips were pressed against her stomach, when he started to kiss her through her panties? How could she find words when she could barely breathe with his tongue kissing her where her thighs met?
He took her against the door, with her legs around his back and her fingers in his hair. His eyes pierced into hers, his cheek was pressed to hers. She heard his incoherent words in her ear, mutterings she couldn't understand, comprehend. His pressing need was pouring out in every movement, sliding over her, tangling them together. Her fingers dug into his back and they came hard together.
He lifted her over to the bed, where he made love to her again, well into the night. She lay on her side sometime after he'd fallen asleep wondering just how she would get through to him. The shell he'd built around him was so hard to penetrate.
But she loved him. She had to try.
Reese stumbled out of bed early in the morning. Carter was still asleep. He walked to the bathroom seeing their discarded clothes on the floor. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he glimpsed a green toothbrush out of the corner of his eye.
It belonged to Carter.
How long had it been there? He thought. How long had it been there? There was jasmine shower gel in the shower stall and when he stalked into his closet he saw a few of her clothes hanging up littered with his own.
He felt as if his head was spinning. He slid to the ground, slumped against the door, the darkness and fear gripping him.
"John….." He heard the concern in her voice as she knelt down beside him. "Are you okay? Talk to me."
He knew. It was clear as day.
"I can't….I can't do this anymore."