Focus, Jocelyn, just focus.
That's what she told herself as she stood side by side with Reese the very next day after they made love and she kicked him out of her apartment.
This isn't the time to think about last night, she thought as they opened fire on a gang of smugglers and she shot one in the chest. If she blocked out the last few months, it really would have been just like old times. Back when they trusted each other, depended on each other, and in many ways needed each other. Now she didn't feel like she knew just who she was standing next to.
At the end of it all, when the arrests were made and statements taken, he asked to see her. She knew he wanted to talk about last night. She didn't know if she could look at him right now, much less talk, but she agreed to meet him anyway.
He sat across from her in Lyric Café fidgeting with his napkin, ordering her a cup of coffee and looking at her with imploring eyes.
"How are you?" He asked.
She didn't answer his question, but she was sure her expression was telling. She watched as he looked away, closing his eyes slowly. His eyelashes swept over his cheek bones as he started to explain.
"You left me, and…"
"You kicked me out." She interrupted and he paused mid sentence.
"I pushed you away, you started dating Thompson and I….I made a mistake."
She took a deep breath, amazed because he thought it was that simple. She shook her head at him, but he continued.
"I don't love her. It didn't mean anything to me….." His voice was barely above a whisper, gravelly and he sounded like he was searching for the right thing to say. There were tears in his eyes and she listened as he spoke. A huge part of her believed that he was being honest, that he did in fact love her, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
"You know it's funny. You think that because she meant nothing to you and all you two shared was sex that it somehow makes it an easier pill to swallow. But it doesn't John. It still hurts, in fact I feel even worse now than I did before."
"Joss…."
"If you had a problem with me dating Martin, why didn't you come to me?"
"I couldn't. I was still…."
"You were still afraid." She finished for him. She hated the look on his face. She hated that he was pleading with his eyes. She hated the resolute line of his mouth. She hated that even now after finding out about Zoe, she still loved him. "What you should have done was come to me instead of looking for someone else. Instead of fighting for what you wanted, you took the easy way out. I wanted to work it out even after you pushed me out of your life. For months I waited. You never came. I wanted you, John. I loved you. But now…."
"Please, just…let me make it up to you. Tell me what I can do."
He slid his hand across the table, gripping her hand.
"I don't think there's anything you can do. It's over, John." She felt his grip on her hand getting tighter. "I'm leaving with Martin tomorrow morning."
"No, Joss. Don't."
"I think it's time we cut all our ties, John. Professionally and with…..'whatever this is'…."
His cell phone rang interrupting whatever he was just about to say. He was pissed as he answered it. "I'll be right there, Finch."
"You gotta go. And so do I. I hope you're happy with Zoe…..or…..I have to go." She got out of the booth, but he held onto her hand.
"Let me go, John. It's been enough. I can't do this anymore. I won't."
He stood up next to her and looked at her with the most determined gaze. His voice was soft but unwavering. "I don't want you to go away with Thompson. But I'll be here when you get back. I meant what I said when I told you I'd do whatever it takes, however long it takes. I meant that. I still want you and I'm not giving you up."
O0o0o0o
What had he done? Reese thought as he watched Carter walk out the café. The tender, loving way she used to look at him was replaced with a cold gaze, and she looked as if she was still reeling from his confession last night. He remembered her face when he answered her question.
Did you sleep with her?
He was desperate to regain her trust, but he wondered how possible it was after she pushed him away right after they'd made love.
Reese had felt helpless when he saw the tears coming down her cheeks and realized he'd hurt her more deeply than he imagined or ever intended. The pain on her face cut him deep, and deeper still as she hadn't allowed him to console her.
How could he fix this? She was pushing him away, retreating into herself and she wanted nothing to do with him. Despite the fact that they'd made love, his words, his intentions, nothing mattered now because all she could think about was him and Zoe.
He wished he could make her see that she was the only woman he loved, the only woman he desired, the only woman he couldn't live without. He couldn't imagine what she was feeling. But the pain and hurt on her face last night mirrored his own inner turmoil. He was dying inside too.
He put on his clothes, got back into his suit and left as she asked. He didn't want to go, but there was nothing more he could do. He swore under his breath as he got into the car and hit the steering wheel hard with his hand. Hindsight was truly 20/20. His nights spent with Zoe, a good escape at the time, were more examples of his bad judgment and not thinking of the consequences of his actions.
How could he fix this?
He knew as far as what had happened with Zoe, he couldn't change the past. He couldn't erase it no matter how much he wanted to. The only thing he could try to do is win back her trust and her faith in him.
He shook his head at how much the tables had turned. She had asked him over and repeatedly to trust her all during their relationship. He told her that he did, but in truth, he didn't trust her enough to love him when he felt he didn't deserve it. Now he was the one who needed her trust. He needed her to trust that despite everything he still loved her and always would.
He wanted her to know that her heart could be safe with him.
O0o0o0o
Finch watched Reese as he sat next to him, arms crossed as he showed him the photos of the house that Carter had wanted to buy. Over the last few days he'd asked him to acquire it from the person who bought it out from under her just a few short weeks ago. Reese had been determined to get it back for her no matter the cost. He hadn't seen him so single minded about something in a long time.
"It's done as you requested. I've already spoken to the bank manager. They're drawing up the papers as we speak. She'll get the house she wanted for a fraction of the cost it was before."
"And the mortgage payments?" Asked Reese staring at Finch.
"Significantly decreased. They should call her sometime today or tomorrow."
"Thank you, Finch." Reese got up and started to walk out, putting on his coat.
"Mr. Reese….." He called after him and he stopped mid stride.
"Don't you think she's going to suspect something?"
"I've considered that, yes. But…it's your job to make sure she doesn't find out anything." He watched as Reese left the room, his steps down the staircase echoing in the library. He hoped the plan didn't backfire.
O0o0o0o
Getting the house had been the first step, Reese thought. Even though he'd thought about it before they'd slept together, it was something he knew she needed. Though the owner was reluctant, they'd persuaded him to sell it.
He knew she'd be furious if she found out, but he felt it was the right thing to do. She deserved it after everything she'd been through and so did Taylor.
And now she was going away with Thompson. It ate at him, the thought of her in another man's arms. This is how she must have felt after finding out about Zoe. If she felt half as bad as he did, he wished somehow he could make up for it. He wanted to see her.
She said they were through, but he wasn't going to accept it. He couldn't. He needed her, he wanted her and the fierce desire to be with her is what compelled him to call her again and again.
His calls went unanswered however, and he grew very familiar with the sound of her voicemail.
O0o0o0o
Martin watched as Carter sent another call to voicemail and put her phone back on the table. That had been four calls so far. All she'd done was check the caller ID but she didn't answer. Whoever it was, she was obviously avoiding them. She took another forkful of the salmon on her plate and pretended that nothing was out of the ordinary, but he knew otherwise. She'd been withdrawn all evening. She was pleasant, engaged him in conversation, but something was wrong.
"Is everything okay, Jocelyn?"
She nodded her head between mouthfuls and waved her hand dismissively.
"Everything's fine." She said.
"You're nervous about the trip aren't you? Don't be. We're going to have a great time. I've got it all planned. I have meetings for a few hours, but the driver can take you around if you want to go do some shopping. We can have an early dinner and there's a Mural art show over on Vine's Street we can check out after. You won't be bored."
"Sounds like fun." She said and grinned and he reached over holding her hand.
"I'm so glad you're coming with me." He said tracing his fingers along her palm. She gazed down at his hands on hers and she looked pensive for a moment before looking up at him with a smile.
"I am too."
O0o0o0o
Reese was in a foul mood. He woke up feeling especially angry and realized by his second coffee of the morning that it was because Carter was travelling with Thompson today. In fact their plane would have landed by now, he thought looking at his watch and they'd already be in Philadelphia.
He wondered if they'd go straight to the hotel, what their plans were for the day. He pretended to concentrate and focus; there was a new number after all. But he was more than distracted.
He called Zoe, waiting impatiently as the phone rang and when she picked up he was annoyed with himself for calling. They met at a small diner nearby and she looked amused as she sat across from him.
"John, what a surprise. I didn't expect to see you so soon. How did things work out for you the other night?" She asked with a twinkle in her eye.
"I need some information Zoe."
"Hmmmm…..avoiding my question. That leads me to believe things didn't go well for you at all. Lover's tiff?"
"Zoe…."
"You want something from me, what do I get in return?" She asked and ran her finger along his hand on the table.
"The chance to help out a friend."
"We're friends are we? Is that what you'd call us?"
He was silent for a moment and let out a sigh. He wished there were some lines he never crossed with her. But truthfully he was frustrated with himself; she had nothing to do with his foul mood or the situation he was in. He'd created it all himself.
"Fine. What do you need to know?" she withdrew her hand and sipped on her coffee.
"Thompson. What's his story? How long have you known him?"
"He's a client. I work for his law firm from time to time."
"And…..?"
"He's as clean as they come, John. But I'm sure you already know that. In the six years that I've known him he honestly doesn't have that much dirty laundry."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm insulted you'd ask. Martin's as clean as they come. If you're looking at painting him as some evil villain to impress your…this won't do it."
O0o0o
Zoe was amazed. She had thought that it was impossible for anyone to penetrate the thick wall Reese had erected around himself. He seemed broken beyond repair. In fact she told him herself that she didn't think there was any woman who would be able to fix him. She realized now she was wrong.
And she'd underestimated the Detective. She'd watched her and John and the ease and familiarity in which they spoke when she'd had to spend those awful days with him in the suburbs. Little did she know back then that the detective had been working her way underneath John's very skin. And she was stuck there, embedded like a tattoo. She wasn't going anywhere.
He played it cool, she thought, but underneath, in his eyes she could see he was worried. He wouldn't ask her about Martin if he wasn't. He was literally grasping at straws.
He paid for their drinks and he left and she silently wished him luck.
She didn't have time for love. Not when there was power and influence and oh so much fun to be had. But if John was in love, then she hoped he'd be successful in holding on to it.
She finished her coffee, slipped out of the booth and walked out into the New York street.
O0o0o0o
"Not a bad move, John." The laugh lines around the old man's eyes appeared and he smiled wide. "Are you sure that's the one you want to make?"
"I think so, Han." Said Reese smiling back at him and waited for him to make a move in return. He hadn't stopped by to play Xiangqi with his old friend in a long time. And even though he had a new number, he needed to stop for just a moment.
"You seem distracted. Something on your mind?"
Reese smiled again. The man may be blind, but he had no problem seeing things at all. Maybe it's why he wandered here today.
"What do you do, Han when you finally know what you want, but it's not so easy to get it anymore?"
"Well this is something new." Said Han moving another piece on the board. "I've never heard you talk about a woman the whole time I've known you. She must be something special."
"Who mentioned a woman?"
"Why you did, John."
Reese watched as Mr. Han moved a chess piece off the board. He was winning.
**"There's an old Chinese fairy tale that takes place during the Tang Dynasty about a young man who travelled to the capital for a test. But he ended up….falling in love instead. He met this young woman under a peach blossom tree. Her clothes were plain, but she had beautiful dark hair, dark round eyes and…..she smiled at him. She noticed he looked sad and she asked him if he needed help."
Reese squinted his eyes at Mr. Han, wondering if his old friend was pulling his leg. But how could he have been? He never mentioned Carter to him once or what she said to him the first time they met.
He moved another piece on the board and listened as Han continued.
"He was speechless of course, why would a girl of such beauty be interested in helping him? He was a stranger, yes, but when he asked her for some water, she happily obliged. Over and over he took from her, and she asked nothing in return. In the end, he couldn't ask for what he really wanted and he left, even though he felt deeply for her. It wasn't until sometime later that he realized he loved her and wanted to be with her. So, he travelled back to the town, looking for her, only to find that she had left and married another man. Unfortunately for him, it was too late."
Han moved the last piece on the board into the winning position. "Have you heard the story before?" He asked quietly, leaning on the back of the bench.
"It's vaguely familiar." He admitted. "Are you telling me that I'm too late?"
"I'm only sharing an old children's tale with you, my friend. I thought you'd find interesting. But unless the woman is married, it's not yet too late for you."
O0o0o0o
Carter stood in front of the bathroom mirror in the suite Martin had booked for them. Her heels were off, jewelry on the vanity and she put her clutch next to them. She looked at her lips, the colour from them now faded, her hair, though curled was now slightly tousled from Martin running his fingers through it and she put a hand to her chest.
Her heart was beating; fast. She was nervous.
They got into Philadelphia shortly after noon and the car Martin had hired was waiting for them as expected. They were booked at an all suite hotel on City Avenue and it looked expensive to say the least. It had an amazing view of the city, a separate living room area, dining room area and its own kitchen. The bed was massive and when she looked at it, she realized she'd be sharing one with him for the first time since they'd started dating.
He went to his meetings and she'd been left on her own. She went downtown and did some sightseeing, a little shopping and had herself a nice light lunch.
Around 5pm they went for dinner and afterwards the art show as he'd promised. They took a short walk afterwards before the car dropped them off at the hotel. He'd been sweet and she enjoyed his company. Everything about him was entirely perfect. The way he touched her, kissed her, he treated her almost like she was a porcelain doll.
She knew there was no going back. Not anymore. He wanted her.
And Reese had been sleeping with Zoe.
….whatever it takes….however long it takes…..because I love you….
His words played over and over in her head. She leaned against the wall, her hands moving down her stomach as she remembered his mouth moving over her, his tongue circling her clit. His lips on hers, his movement inside her…she wanted him. She missed him and she wondered what she was doing here with someone else.
There was a knock on the door and she turned her head in the direction of it, hearing Martin's voice.
"Jocelyn, you didn't fall asleep in there did you?" She heard his nervous laughter and opened the door, smiling at him.
"I definitely didn't." She said sliding her arms around his neck and her tongue into his mouth.
O0o0o0o
It wasn't until after midnight that Reese stumbled underneath the covers and finally tried to get some sleep. Carter had consumed his thoughts all day. He tried to drown them out finally with liquor and was half asleep before his head touched the pillow.
His sleep wasn't peaceful though and he was wakened a few hours later by the shrill noise of his cell phone. Besides his game of Xiangqi with Mr. Han and his brief meeting with Zoe, the day had been very busy. He wanted to rest and didn't want to be bothered. He assumed it was Finch.
"Finch unless you or Bear are in mortal danger right now, I'm sure this can wait." He spoke groggily once he finally picked up.
He didn't hear a response, but he heard the unmistakable sound of breathing on the other end. Someone was there. He heard breathing. And he heard what sounded like…crying.
"Who….?" He pulled the phone from his ear and when he looked at the number he realized it was Carter.
"Joss?" She still wouldn't answer and he sat upright in bed. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"
All he could hear was her sniffling on the other end. He was worried. "Are you hurt? Has he hurt you? Joss, talk to me."
"John…..I…."
"Did he hurt you, Joss? Because if he did…"
"No…..he…..he hasn't. I just….."
"Whatever it is, you can tell me." He tried to talk to her soothingly, wondering what Thompson did to her to make her so upset. Why was she so far away where he couldn't get to her? "Talk to me, please." He got up from the bed pacing the room.
"I can't…..I don't even know why I'm calling. I guess I just needed to hear your voice."
Reese knew something was wrong. He didn't know what and she wouldn't, or couldn't say what it was.
"Whatever it is, Joss, whatever happened, just come home to me. I'm here and I'm waiting for you. Just come home."
"I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry…."
"No Joss, don't hang up."
But it was too late. She was already gone. He tried calling her back, but it was no use, her voicemail was the last sound in his ears as he lay back on the bed.
O0o0o0o
Martin looked around the suite as he woke up in the middle of the night but there was no sight of Carter in the room. He walked out by the glass doors and saw her sitting outside on the balcony in one of the plush chairs with her head hung down. He threw a shirt on and walked outside. Her head snapped up as he came toward her and he sat down beside her.
"What are you doing out here, Jocelyn?"
He noticed her cheeks were wet and her cell phone was in her hand.
"Who were you calling?" he asked, but he really didn't want to know the answer. Whoever it was, it wasn't him and he had to finally face the fact that after all this time, she still wasn't ready. He knew she cared about him a whole lot, but her heart was still elsewhere. Her pain was still fresh, raw, and she was far from over the breakup she'd had months ago. Despite knowing all that, he couldn't help but feel a little used. She was willing to have sex with him to try to forget whoever this guy was.
"Do I even need to ask?" He asked feeling a little angry. It was probably the same person whose phone calls she had been avoiding recently. It probably wasn't as over as she pretended it was. It couldn't have been. He'd never had a woman freeze up and start to cry when he touched her. Not only was it a blow to his ego, but it was a blow to his heart since he genuinely had started to fall for her.
"I'm sorry Martin. Really I am and I don't even know how I can make up for this."
"You can start by coming back inside. It's a little chilly out here for you. Don't worry, you can take the bed; I'll sleep on the couch." He got up holding his hand out to her. "Come on."
O0o0o0o
Carter realized he was mad and he had every right to be. He was angry, he was hurt and he probably felt like a fool right now. eventually she got up and took his hand as he led her back inside and just as he promised he went to sleep on the couch while she lie in bed.
She was able to sleep a little and when she woke up the next morning, Martin wasn't there. He left a note saying that he had an early meeting and would be back to pick her up when it was time to leave.
They rode to the airport in awkward silence and he scarcely spoke to her on the flight back to New York. She tried to speak to him on the ride from JFK to her place, but he only answered her as briefly as possible. He got out to help her with her luggage and carried them up the steps to her front door.
Even though he was angry he remained a gentleman.
"Martin, I really am sorry."
"I know you are, Jocelyn. Really I do, but…..maybe it's time we take a break. I think we both have some thinking to do. Call me when you're ready to talk. Really talk."
She watched as he drove off, his car disappearing down the street and she went inside. She cut her phone back on and saw she had numerous missed calls. One of them was from Taylor. The others were all unknown numbers.
O0o0o0o
Carter had been back from Philadelphia for two days, but she still wasn't taking his calls. Reese had been worried after the phone call he got from her in the middle of the night, but when he followed her, she appeared normal, everything looked fine and she quickly got back to her routine with Taylor and her work.
He overheard a phone call to her sister one night and she sounded a little lost, confused even. She talked to Donna about the trip and the fact that she hadn't been able to sleep with Thompson.
"I was going to. We fumbled around, he kissed me, he touched me, but I froze up. I couldn't do it."
"What the hell happened?" Her sister asked.
"I just couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking about ….."
"Not the guy who you were seeing last year, the one who broke your heart?" He winced at her words. "I thought he was old news."
He listened as she fell silent and he could hear the smirk in her voice when she finally spoke.
"I thought he was too."
He shut off the audio then, allowing the rest of her conversation with her sister to remain private.
A smile was on his face at the fact that she admitted that she was still his.
O0o0o0o
Carter sat opposite David Andrews at First Plymouth Bank and couldn't believe her ears. The terms of the sale and mortgage of the house she wanted were even better than the first time she'd tried to buy it. The purchase price was less and so was the mortgage and interest rate. It was literally too good to be true.
She asked why the terms had changed so drastically. All Andrews would tell her was that the owner was desperate to get rid of it and was leaving the state in the next few weeks. He wouldn't reveal the name of the seller, but when he slipped out of his office for a few minutes she went around his desk, scanning the papers quickly for a name. She had to know who it was. There it was in bold letters and she quickly wrote it down along with a number.
She signed the papers, feeling a mixture of excitement, happiness, curiosity and skepticism. This house was the first really good thing to happen for her in a really long time. She was excited to share the news with Taylor.
A week later the name nagged at her. She went to the address she'd managed to dig up, but the place was empty. She kept leaving messages on the voice service, but so far her calls hadn't been returned. When she hit a brick wall, she decided to call Finch and she asked him to meet her at the Queensbridge Park.
He showed up as requested with Bear in tow. She bent down, petting him behind his ears.
"Hello, Bear. Haven't seen you in a long time. How are you, boy?" He barked, putting a paw on her shoulder and she gave him a hug.
"Thanks for meeting me, Finch."
"What can I do for you, Detective?"
"I got something for you." She said and handed him a piece of paper with the name on it.
"Arthur Bellenger."
She watched as he took it slowly from her hand. "I need you to find out who this guy is and how I can find him."
"May I ask what your interest is in this man, Detective?"
"He's the elusive seller of this house I'm interested in…..I just want to meet him, ask him some questions."
She watched him turn his head from her, a conflicted look on his face. He closed his eyes and turned back to her, and she knew.
"Don't tell me you're Arthur Bellenger."
He nodded slightly a sheepish look on his face. She didn't know whether to be angry or grateful. It was a horrible intrusion, but it was also a great gesture.
"How on earth did you even know about the house?"
"John brought it to my attention. He wanted you to have it." He took a treat out of his pocket and handed it to Bear. "Detective….."
"Finch, I'm sure there are a lot of things that you hear. That you must have heard over the last few months…."
"Yes I am aware of how things have changed between the two of you."
"Then you know why….I can't accept this house, no matter how badly I want it."
"Detective, John has lost a lot of people he's cared about over the years. He lamented not being able to save Jessica as you know, or his sister. It took him a long time to be able to care about somebody again, to believe that he was worth being cared about again."
"Finch…."
"He does care about you. When we got information that your life was in danger last year, he stopped at nothing to make sure that you were safe. Even then when you were chasing him, he….saw something in you. And over time you became important to him. He knew that you really wanted that house. And he wouldn't stop…. until you had it."
00o0o0o
"We need to talk."
The four most terrifying words to a man's ears, Reese thought. But hearing them come out of Carter's mouth were the best ones he'd heard in a while. It was shortly after 7am when he walked into Lyric Café and he sat down in the chair opposite her.
This time there was no cold coffee, she was finishing off the last drop as he settled into his chair. She was dressed in a dark suit, her hair spilled over her shoulders and her lips were stained with a splash of colour. He thought she looked beautiful in the morning light.
She put down her coffee cup and sat up straight in her chair. "Thanks for coming."