A/N: Now that I've completed Secrets, I can devote my time to the prequel. Better late than never?
I light the thin white cylinder and inhale deeply. At first I cough and sputter grossly for a few moments, but then I exhale and I feel... calm. Smoking is reassuring, and I'm really not sure why. I'm in the last car of the train, and I'm standing on the outside part, resting on the banister. I don't see her when she shows up, but three or four pulls later, Johanna's next to me. "Wanna share?' She asks, as I hand the lit cigarette to her. She inhales deeply and sighs, handing it back to me. "I didn't know you smoked."
"I don't." I tell her, laughing. "Well, I guess now I do. I just started... I like it, I think."
Johanna shakes her head at me and lets out a small chuckle. Her expression quickly turns somber. She doesn't say anything for the next few minutes until I finish smoking and flick the butt onto the train tracks behind us. "Finnick, can we talk?" She asks. I nod. "I'm really scared for when we get to the Capitol. I don't want to start doing this... I mean, I'm a virgin, even though I don't act like it. I had a boyfriend for a few years, but we broke it off recently. We almost had sex but I didn't really want to. Your first time is supposed to be special or whatever. And now I'm gonna be fucking some middle-aged man who happened to be the top bidder for my virginity." She says it with annoyance, but I can tell she's hurt and scared.
I put my arm around her, holding her shaking body. It's actually really cold out here. "Hey, it's gonna be okay. I mean, it doesn't have to count if you don't it want it to. And besides, you can have sex before then."
Johanna raises an eyebrow at me. "We're gonna be there in less than a week. Who the hell would I-" She trails off, realizing what I mean. She punches my arm lightly.
"Shut the hell up Finn." She ruffles my hair a little so I know she's not mad at me or anything.
She takes a deep breath, and rubs her eyes, making black streaks from her makeup smudge all over her cheeks. I laugh a little and she realizes what she just did and starts laughing too. "I'm gonna get cleaned up and then I'm going to bed. I'll see you there I guess." She walks away, swaying her hips as she leaves. I know that she knows I'm looking at her.
The districts fly by. In only two days, we go through Districts 2 and 1. The scenery changes, but the people really don't. Except for the fact that they respect Johanna instead of loathing her. The next thing I know, we're out of 7 and only a day away from the Capitol. Johanna gave me a pack of cigarettes from her house so I don't have to keep stealing Natalie's. I don't know why more people smoke. It's relaxing, and while it's very addicting, there's only a tiny chance of lung sickness. Then I remember, most people aren't rolling around in money outside of the Capitol. Have I really gotten that jaded that I've forgotten about the poverty all around me? Sometimes it's really hard to not hate myself.
When Johanna slips into my bed, it takes me a few minutes to realize she's not wearing any clothes, except for a thin lacy pair of panties. All I can see is her silhouette in the moonlight coming in from the window. "Jo..." I trail off. I was joking when I offered taking her virginity. She's my really good friend, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't attracted to her, but I didn't want it to be like this. "Are you sure about this? I really care about you."
She bites down on her bottom lip, brown hair in a messy bun. "Show me then."
Before I can stop myself, I kiss Johanna hard. I want this to mean something to her. I wish this was something more than a fuck. I want it to be, but she just would rather screw me than some rich old man. Not that I blame her, but it hurts. She doesn't know how this kind of breaks my heart. I'm getting what I wanted, but I wish it happened differently. I should just try to make this as good as I can for her. Her hands twist in my hair and I wrap my arms around her waist so tightly I'm afraid I'll crush her. I have to remind myself that even though she's tiny, she's not fragile.
Johanna pulls me on top of her, our lips never parting. She finally pulls away from me, gasping for air. "Clothes." She tells me. She's naked and I'm fully clothed. She takes off my shirt and I pull off my boxers, throwing them in some corner of the room. It doesn't really matter where. As soon as our clothes are off, her lips are back on mine. I leave a trail of kisses down her jaw to her collarbone, making sure to not leave a hickey. I trail down to her breasts, which are on the small side, but still very nice. I suck on each of her nipples until they're hard. She moans quietly and bites down on her lip. "Finnick," she gasps, whispering.
"Yes?" I ask her, smugly.
"Just do it already." She breathes heavily.
"Do what?" I ask innocently. Johanna looks like she's about to kill me though, so I slip a finger through her folds. She's soaked. I stand up and she groans in protest, but it's just to grab a condom. I roll it on, and ask her one more time. "Are you sure about this? We really don't have to if you don't want to. I mean-" She cuts me off with a kiss, and I push slowly into her. She's so incredibly tight. She yelps out in pain as I push all the way in, and I stop, resting my weight on my elbows.
After a moment, she exhales and looks up at me. "Keep going." Jo tells me, and I kiss her again. I try to keep a slow pace - it hurts for girls their first time, but it's getting more difficult. I speed up a bit, and my thrusts become more sporadic. She clenches down around me, her face contorting into the most beautiful 'o', and I lose it, her name on my lips. After I slow down my breath, I roll off her, and throw out the condom.
Johanna sits up, and wipes the sweat off her brow. She crosses her arms, covering herself, and stands up to put on her underwear. "Are you okay?" I ask her.
She nods. "Yeah. Thanks Finnick. I'm glad I can trust you enough to be like this with you." She throws on my shirt. "I think I'm gonna sleep in my own room tonight." I nod. As she's leaving, she turns around. "You know that didn't mean anything, right?"
"Right." I say, faking a smile. My heart sinks into my stomach. I throw on my boxers and crawl into bed, feeling like shit. I wanted it to mean something. I yawn and throw my blanket over my head. It reminds me of something Juliette once said to me. We all want things, but most of the time you won't get what you want. That's life.
The next morning is awkward. Johanna has a very obvious limp when she walks into breakfast. Her wince when she sits down proves it could only be caused by one thing. Honestly, it makes me feel a little smug, and Grant winks at me. I nurse a cup of coffee. It's actually pretty good with milk and a few sugar cubes. Johanna talks to me like nothing has happened, and there's nothing between us. It's better than having it be awkward, but I wish she acknowledged how I feel about her. I'm not going a particularly good job of hiding it. Jo's dragged away from the table by her prep team, leaving Blight, Grant, Natalie and I by ourselves. After a moment of silence, Grant laughs a little and puts his fork down. "So, Finnick. How was it?"
Natalie groans and rolls her eyes. Blight high-fives me from across the table. "Have you met me? I'm kind of fantastic in bed." I say in a cocky tone, so they know I'm joking (but really, I am that good - practice makes perfect). I sigh, knowing that they can see right through me, to the hurt in my eyes. I really need to stop being so emotional. "She said it didn't mean anything. She was right. Besides, we're both consenting adults. What's the problem?"
"Oh Finnick. What are we gonna do with you?" Natalie asks, rubbing her eyes.
"Sell my body to highest bidder?" I suggest. It's a joke, but it's true. Blight throws a pastry at me. I catch it with one hand and take a bite.
Soon enough, the train goes through the tunnel, and we're in the Capitol, coming to a gentle, but quick stop. We all go back to our rooms to grab our bags, and leave the train behind Johanna. Luckily, all the press flocks to her, and virtually leaves us alone. Blight and Johanna are escorted to the training center, but Grant shows me to my new apartment in the center of the Capitol, down the street from where I mentor during the Games. I'll be staying here whenever I feel like it, really, but mostly when I have clients during times outside of the Victory Tour or Games. Also, if I come back for the Games when I'm not mentoring, I can stay here. I doubt I'll be here by my own accord.
It's a large apartment, with floor to ceiling windows. All the furniture is sleek and modern. There's a huge kitchen and dining/ living area, and a bathroom with even more settings than the one in the training center. My bedroom is gigantic, and it has a separate bathroom off it with a shower and a hot tub. It's kind of awesome. There's also a list of all the other victors who live in the building, with their apartment and phone number. There's some blank spaces for me to add people who I befriend in the Capitol. As if.
The closets are stocked with clothes, the linen cabinets with the finest silk sheets and softest towels, and the kitchen with food. A Capitol worker will come here every Monday afternoon to clean. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the apartment. The physical city that is the Capitol is lovely, and the technology is amazing, but I hate the government and how the people here live so large while the rest of us are starving and overworked. Maybe, if I didn't have a conscience, I would live here. Sadly, I don't think I can. I hate what I have to do here. But that's a no-brainer. "Do you like it?" Grant asks, leaning on one of the white walls nonchalantly."
"The apartment's beautiful." I respond, and then quietly add, "The fact that I'm here - not so much."
"I can agree with one on that one." Grant sighs, running a hand through his hair. He's so energetic and full of life... but I know that this place is killing him. His eyes look so tired, and there's bags under them that weren't there a few weeks ago. He looks so much older than he did even a month ago. I wish I knew what he was thinking, so maybe I could understand him a little more. I shake my head at the idea of that - I don't think I really want to know. "Go settle in, chill for a little. The car is coming around five to pick you up. They'll call when they're downstairs. I'm gonna get settled in and find Nat. Call if you need me." He looks like he's going to say something else, but instead just walks out and gently closes the door behind him. I collapse on the modern-looking couch. It seems pretty stiff looking, but it's more comfortable than the softest bed I've ever slept in. And I've spent a lot of time in the bedroom. I notice all the remotes. Everything is controlled by them, even the shades on the windows.
I click buttons that open and close blinds. There's remotes that can dim the lights and change the colors. I can call for a type of food, and it will be delivered to my room - as if what's here isn't enough.
I walk into my en suite bathroom, and just stare at my reflection in the mirror, for I don't even know how long. I snap out of it, and splash warm water on my face. I brush my teeth, and after, I wash my hands, again. I check the modern clock on the wall - it's four thirty. Shit. I put on something nice to wear, comb my hair, and put on deodorant and cologne. Time to get going. I try to calm down my racing heart. Take a deep breath, Finnick. It's just a job. Think of dad. Adrienne, Dalhia, Annie. The little kids back home. Johanna. She can get hurt too. You gotta keep your shit together. What other choice do you have? The doorbell rings. I stand up straight, and muss up my hair. It's show time.
The first woman wasn't that bad, and the second was tolerable. The worst, was the third. I don't even wanna think about that. Not pleasant, by a large margin. She wasn't unattractive, or rude, but there was a picture of her husband framed next to her bed, and her two children were playing in the room next door. I feel disgusting. The car service offers to pick me up, but I decline. I walk around, looking into the bars and shops on the way back to the training center. About halfway there, a car pulls up next to me and stops. The door swings open, and Johanna is in there. I climb in.
"Are you okay?" I ask her. Her hair is a mess, her eye makeup is smudged beyond belief, and I see bruises forming on her wrists. It's a stupid question. She says nothing, but chokes out a sob. I put my arms around her, and she nuzzles her head into my chest, quietly crying. I stroke her back awkwardly. I'm terrible and comforting people. I can't tell her things are going to be alright - they're not. I lift her chin up with my thumb and look her in the eyes. "We're gonna get through this. I promise."