I wake up from a terrible nightmare, and it's lucky that my face is buried in my pillow, or I probably would have woken up the whole train. I did what I had to do in order to survive, but killing people is never a good idea, especially when you have a conscience. Johanna has nightmares too, but never about her kills. I look over at the alarm clock on the nightstand and groan. It's a little past six in the morning. It's almost pointless to try and fall back asleep, so I re-pack my bag, and take a couple of the nice looking outfits off the train. They won't notice, and even if they really mind, they won't say anything. Most of the time, I wish people were less scared of me, but sometimes it can be useful.
I sigh, and attempt to smooth down my tangled hair in the mirror, but it's hopeless. I decide on a flashy shirt and plain pants. I probably have more appointments. How am I supposed to save these kids? I don't even spend time with them except for meals and public appearances. At this point, I don't think I can save myself. Then again, the whole point of this is to make my life miserable, so it works. At least I get to see Jo. She's probably one of the only person I can actually see myself with post-Games. Besides Annie, she's my only friend. I mean Blight and the other older victors are nice, but the age gap can be a little awkward. At least they get it, and don't treat me like some object to drooled over, or worse, a killer. I am, but that's not the point. Back in 4, the difference is subtle, but it's still enough to be uncomfortable. I'm one of them now.
Once my bags are packed, I go out into the lounge room, and turn on the television. I flip in between the channels absentmindedly, not really watching anything in particular. When everyone is up we sit down for breakfast. It's not exactly a friendly environment with Natalie on the phone, and me nursing a cup of coffee. I'm not a morning person to begin with, and last night I slept horribly. About halfway through the meal, Natalie hangs up on who I assume was Grant, and tells Mandy and Julian the run-down for the Capitol. Today they'll be having lunch, meeting with their stylists, and then there's Tribute Parade and after that and the super-long President's speech and then a late dinner. There's three days of training, and then the day for Gamemaker evaluations and interviews, and then they're in the arena. Less than a week and they could be as good as dead.
"Hey, what's up with you?" Natalie asks me, pouring herself some more orange juice to the attendant's dismay.
"Oh, you know. Just looking forward to seeing everyone in the Capitol." I retort. "How much longer is it gonna go on?"
Natalie tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear, and sighs. "Twenty years. Give or take."
"What ends in twenty years?" Mandy asks.
"I'm hoping they'll be over me for a little. I can barely step foot in the Capitol without getting girls thrown at me. All the time." I say lightly. "I mean sometimes it's a bit overwhelming."
"Aren't you dating the girl from last year's games? Joanne or something. The hot one." Julian asks.
"Johanna Mason?" I raise an eyebrow at him, "No, we're just friends." I try to crack a smile, but it probably looks more like a grimace.
"Good. She's kind of cute." Julian smirks. "I'd probably hit that."
"If you win." I point out, probably sounding harsh.
"When I win." Julian corrects me, smiling.
"Well, I hope you're as good as you seem to think you are." I say, realizing how vitriolic I sound.
The train pulls into the station before any more awkwardness can ensue, and Ariel escorts them to the Training Center, with Natalie and us trailing closely behind. A few avoxes take their stuff up to the 4th floor and Ariel brings them to their stylists to get 'cleaned up'. An avox hands both of us slips of thick folded paper. They smell overwhelmingly like fake roses, and that can only mean one thing. Natalie and I shoot each other a wary look. Inside mine there's just a few numbers: 10:00, 11:00, 12:00, 1:00. That would mean four appointments today. I groan inwardly. I have about forty-five minutes, so I hop in the shower and change into something less comfortable. In a sick kind of way, I'm thankful that they're not in the evening. That means I have a little time for myself after four o'clock, and maybe with the kids or Jo.
I walk out and Natalie's transformed as well. It's stunning how can she become a completely different person when the time calls for it. I recognize her dress from one of the fashion magazines. It cost five times more than the most expensive home back in 4. It makes me sick so my stomach. "Stop gawking, I'm too old for you." Natalie jokes.
"That didn't stop any of them." I grumble.
"Wow, that attitude is gonna get you places." She sighs, re-applying her lipstick. "We better get going. Good luck, Finnick." I'm going to need it.
Four appointments later, I'm lying in bed with a Gamemaker's wife. "Let me tell you a secret," she purrs, her pink lips the same color as the rest of her somehow glittery skin. "This year, things are going to be different. There's gonna be a volcano! Or that's at least what Seneca told me. He thinks he has a shot at being Head Gamemaker in a few years if he contributes some wild ideas. So they're going with volcano!"
I thank her, and head back to the hotel. The tributes are still with their stylists so I change and order a small lunch. I don't realize I have company until I hear a familiar voice from the elevator. "I brought vodka. I have a feeling we're both gonna need it." Johanna. I stand up and she practically jumps on me, hugging me so tight I almost can't breathe. I forgot that she's so much stronger than she looks. "Did you miss me?"
"You have no idea." I admit, breathing deeply when she lets go of me. "How are you? You stink, Jo."
"Rude. You smell too, whore." She teases, sitting down on the abstract chairs next to me. I finish eating and don't object when she eats off my plate. An avox shows up to offer her food and she just shoos them off. "How am I? Well everything sucks, but that's nothing out of the ordinary. I don't have any family, the only guy back home I have is going to his death, and I'm nothing more than a Capitol whore. You know, the usual." She pours two glasses of liquor, and clicks her glass to mine.
"To our wasted youth." I half-smile, drinking the whole glass in a single breath.
"Well that's healthy. Jeez." Johanna sighs, letting her hair down. I think she's growing it out. I can't help but trail my eyes down her body. She looks really good. Healthier since the last time I saw her. "Keep it in your pants, Odair."
We shift to the couch and Johanna puts on some stupid movie. She feels the need to critique every single second of it, and usually I would find that annoying but because it's Johanna, I think it's funny. About halfway in, there's some big fight scene and she keep mentioning how nobody uses a knife like that and I just groan, "Shut up, Jo."
"Make me." She gives me that enigmatic smile, and I can't tell if she's serious or what so I just say fuck it and my lips are crashing into hers. It's not sweet or cute or romantic or anything like that at all. It's just tongue and teeth and want and need and everything that I don't think we'll ever be able to put into words. I lose track of time and everything else important seems to fade away.
"Yeah, you're totally just friends." Someone calls out. Oh shit. I look over, it's already five o'clock.
"Whoops." Johanna smirks, winking at me. She's so not sorry. "I'll see you later, Finn." She walks away, and her hips are moving more than they would naturally.
I turn around, and an uncomfortable Ariel is with Julian and Mandy. Julian has this smug little grin on his face that I really want to wipe off with a smack. "So, how was styling?"
"Boring. We have a half an hour of downtime before the tribute parade." Mandy flops down on a chair.
"Did you color your hair?" I ask. It looks lighter.
"Yeah." She smiles. "Hey, where's Natalie?"
"She's meeting with potential sponsors." I lie. Well, it's partially true. "She should be back soon."
As if on cue, Natalie walks in. "Hey, guys. Finn, can you bring them down? These shoes are killing me." I wonder what happened. She looks like she's about to burst into tears any second now.
"Of course." I give her a half-smile.
"Oh, and Finnick? You might wanna cover that up." She points to the hickey that's forming on my neck. Mandy giggles and I button up the top button on my shirt and throw on a tie.
I bring the two of them down where they change into their costumes. They're both wearing blue multi-colored bodysuits. I think the stylist was going for fish themed. It's stupid, but I tell them they look great. When they get on the horses, I go to stand with the other mentors. I strike up a conversation with Blight, ignoring the uncomfortable stares I get from Enobaria. She looks like she wants to eat me. Johanna's changed and looks really good. Not that she ever looks bad. "Meet me on the roof at ten." She whispers dramatically, and kisses me on the cheek when she knows Enobaria is looking. I smile and go back to talking to Blight.
An older victor – he must be in his mid-thirties introduces himself as Haymitch. He doesn't look the guy who I remember seeing in all those recaps winning the Quarter Quell but then again, he's totally wasted. We don't have time to talk though, because the parade starts. Nobody really stands out this year, except for the District 1 tributes that are draped in pink fur coats with tons of jewels. They look ridiculous. But there's something about the District 1 boy that scares me. I remember that he's the volunteer. He didn't volunteer to protect someone else; he volunteered to win. I have the feeling that he's definitely a threat. I wonder if I was that intimidating.
There's a sharp pain in my stomach. Sure, some of the tributes have gotten knives or tridents or arrows to the stomach, but that pain is nothing compared to the pain of inflicting that pain on someone else. They're dead in what? Maybe five or ten minutes at the most. I live with the flashbacks and the nightmares and the guilt for the rest of my life.
These kids have no idea what they're getting themselves into.
After the parade, we go upstairs for a 'small' dinner. Julian, who I know comes from one of the wealthier families in Four, seems overwhelmed. They try to cater to the districts in their own weird way, so we have a lemon garlic fish in a sweet butter sauce, herb potatoes (an odd tasting vegetable grown around District Seven), and string beans. Natalie, Ariel and I split a bottle of wine, and I let Julian sneak a couple sips. He's older than me anyways; it feels weird that I have power over him. Sometimes I forget I'm still only sixteen years old after all of this.
After they clear the table, Ariel goes home, and I find a deck of cards and try to get everyone to play. Nobody's really up for it, so I figure it's a good time to talk to Natalie. She's lying on her bed, cigarette between her lips, and mascara everywhere. "Aren't you supposed to do that outside or something?" I ask, closing the door behind me.
"What are they gonna do?" Natalie shrugs, coughing. I shoot her a concerned look and she half-smiles, the curves of her lips barely turning upwards. She does have a point. "So what's up?"
"So, I was seeing Seneca Crane's wife. He's one of the newer Gamemakers."
"Please tell me you're getting somewhere with this. Otherwise I really don't want to hear about this." Natalie cringes slightly, scrunching her nose.
"No, seriously. This is important. She mentioned something about a volcano in the arena." I tell her, lowering my voice to a whisper.
"Oh," her eyes visibly widen. "That's a really big deal." She stubs out her cigarette, and springs out of bed, her dress half falling off. She doesn't really seem to care. Natalie walks around pacing, looking for something she can't seem. She pulls out a pen and the pad of paper on her nightstand, and starts drawing some type of diagram. "Okay, so volcanoes are basically mountains, except they're found in different areas. They're usually on the coast, so there might be water near by, or sometimes, they're on an island. There's usually rocky terrain, and not that many trees. It could be snowy, but there aren't that many food sources to choose from besides maybe crops if they're lucky."
"What does that mean?" I ask, confused and slightly awestruck. I didn't know that she knew so much.
"Most of the deaths are gonna be in the first three days, and of natural causes. You know, dehydration, starvation, exertion, et cetera. Being a Career won't mean jack unless they can get their hands on water." She explains, sighing. "So, that means the odds aren't in their favor. For all we know, it could be someone from 12. They're so used to starving, they could probably win by lasting a week without food."
"12? You've got to be kidding me - maybe someone from 8 or 9. Not ten or eleven or twelve. They'd have to be something really special."
"Hey, you never know. Nobody thought Haymitch was anything special."
"Point." I look at the clock; it's a few minutes to ten. I tell Natalie I'm hanging out with Jo, and tell Mandy and Julian they should head to bed in order to be well rested for training tomorrow morning. Once I'm sure that no one's looking, I walk into the emergency-only stairwell, taking the steps two at a time. I'm slightly out of breath by the time I get there, so I take a few seconds to get my heart rate back to normal before walking outside. Johanna's sitting there with the same bottle of vodka, and a few blankets and pillows.
"I was beginning to worry I was getting stood up." Johanna jokes, patting the spot next to her. "How are you?"
"I've been better." I sigh, taking a long sip from the bottle. I wince slightly when it burns my throat. I don't think I'll ever get used to that. "And you?"
"I feel like I should be spending time with him. You know, he's kind of the last person I have left. But I think I've made my peace with it. I'm not saying I'm okay with it, cause I'm not. But I realized, what's the point? They're gonna kill everyone I love, so I might as well not get attached."
"That's one way to look at it." I shrug. Something tells me I shouldn't feel bad about my problems when Jo's seem so much worse. I don't really have anything to say.
"You know what they say about us right? I'm the cold-hearted lying bitch and you're the cocky unobtainable asshole."
"I'd say that sums it up pretty well. But between you and me, I'm very obtainable." I smirk, whispering in her ear. I must have drunken more than I thought.
"Prove it." She whispers, looking up at me, and biting her lip. I don't really get to, because she fists her hands in my sweater and crashes her lips into mine. This seems to be a thing we do a lot. Not that I mind, at all. It feels… real. Whatever we have, love or lust or some combination of it; it's the only thing in my life that is real and tangible at this point.
I'm not really sure when it happens, but she's on top of me, and I hit my head on the concrete floor and we both laugh for a second but her neck is sucking on my pulse point and – holy shit that feels good. I take her lips back in mine. Our tongues battle for dominance, and it takes a while, since neither of us are bottoms in any sense, but I end up winning, of course. She trails her hand down to unzip my pants, and every part of my body wants this, but I can't. I pull away and she looks confused. "Jo, I can't."
"Can't, or won't?" She asks, sounding almost hurt. She thinks I don't want to.
"You deserve better than this, Jo. It's not that I don't want you, cause god that's the not the case, but I'm so… broken. Go downstairs, take your boyfriend or whatever he is, and bring him home. He can make you happy."
"Is that all you see yourself as? Damaged goods?" Johanna sits up, concern in her voice.
"I haven't gotten a full night's sleep in two years, I'm a killer, my own family is terrified of me, and I'm periodically sold to the highest bidder. On top of that, I can't even bear to look myself in the eyes in the mirror. That has to be the definition of damaged goods." I grumble.
"Okay. I am so keeping you away from liquor for a couple days. Hon, you really need to work on your self-esteem. I'm not saying it's easy, but you need to fake it 'till you make it here. They see you as some type of sex god, and yet you practically cry your way through it. We're too young and this isn't fair but what the hell can you possibly do about it? Crying about it doesn't solve anything. Turn into what they want you to, and we can let it be a cautionary tale for all the would-be volunteers."
"Is that supposed to be a pep talk?" I crack a small smile.
"Shut up, and help me carry these downstairs."
A/N: Sorry that updates aren't as frequent as I'd like them to be.
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