Chapter 2

doushite naite iru no?
(Why Am I Crying?)

Shigure took Akiten's pearl white hand in his big, paper-rough one. She was a little over a foot shorter than him and almost as thin as her dead mother. She was so scrawny, he was surprised that she could keep herself upright. From what he could see behind her thick mass of black hair, she looked like she was 9 years old rather than 13. Her hair was almost as long as she was tall and filled with knots. It appeared as though she had never had a haircut, or a decent brushing in years. Her grey eyes were exceptionally large and framed with long, thick, black lashes.

"Hello Akiten-chan, I'm Shigure, but I guess… this means you can call me… Otou-san." It sounded weird to Shigure to tell this small strange child to call him father. He certainly didn't feel like a father.

"Will you really take care of me now?" she asked, lowering her gaze to the floor.

Shigure nodded and, with her hand still in his, led her out of the room. They met Hatori in his office as he was finishing up one of his files on his computer. Shigure nodded to Hatori; a mutual message was shared between the two friends without a word being uttered. Akito's suffering had finally come to an end. Hatori picked up his phone and started making a series of phone calls to the Juunishi members as well as making preparations for Akito's funeral. Shigure turned to Akiten and asked her to gather her things; he would be back in roughly half an hour to take her home. Akiten nodded mutely and entered the dark room, which Shigure had always believed was abandoned, that had belonged to her for several years without anyone knowing it. Shigure told Hatori where he was off to, and left the main house without a further word said.

X

Shigure knocked on the door and was greeted by a maid. "Ah! Shigure-sensei, I'll let Mistress know that you're here to see her." She bowed low before hurrying off.

Shigure entered the spacious house on the Honke (Sohma Estate) and took his shoes off in the doorway. He let himself into the living room where he stood looking around at the decorations. Things hadn't changed since he was last there when he was 26. The walls were the same pale shade of golden yellow. Kanji scrolls decorated with pheasants sitting in tall grasses and cattails by lakeshores hung stiffly on the walls. A simple, though elegant, couch sat to one side between two ceiling-to-floor long scrolls describing the tale of the Juunishi. He suddenly shuddered involuntarily when an unwanted memory entered his mind.

Soon, she entered wearing an elegant kimono in a lush red colour with black and gold embroidery. Her long, flowing hair that was once black as ebony was now streaked with silver from age. She smirked at him as she approached him assertively, fanning herself gently with her little frilly fan. "My, my, my," she teased, "if it isn't the famous novelist Shigure-sama. I haven't seen you in a while." She stepped so close to him, he could feel her breath on his neck. He swallowed forcefully. She touched him gingerly on the stomach and remarked, "My, I think you've put on a bit of weight since the last time you came here to see me…"

Shigure stepped away from her, shooting her a sharp glare. "I'm 37 years old and have been living on take-out for the past 7 years; what did you expect to happen to me, Ren?"

Ren, Akito's mother, giggled like she was a teenager and advanced on him again, forcing him into a position he would rather not be in against the wall. "Well, I would have expected more from you, being a Scorpio and all… and a dog no less! And experts say that sex is the best way to stay in shape. You disappoint me Shigure-sensei."

Sensei? What's she getting at? It was okay for kids and other people his age to call him that, but not this older woman. The way she called him teacher sent shivers up his spine. He stepped away from her again and she followed. "Well, it's not exactly easy being cursed and all…"

"I completely agree, but still, I would have figured that you would have found a way around that little problem. You did with me after al-"

"THAT WAS 11 YEARS AGO!" Shigure interrupted aggressively. He did not want to be reminded of the atrocity he did to Akito. He could never forgive himself for hurting Akito the way he did.

She stopped in her tracks and regarded him closely with narrowed eyes. "You're pushing me away? After we use to get along so well?"

He glared at her, his eyes developing a dog-like ferocity in their depths. Yes, they use to get along. Very well in fact. Their relationship only made Akito all the crueler with her undeniable jealousy. Ren had a different way of showing her love to the Juunishi––a more sensual way. "What happened back then was a mistake-"

"An act of revenge on Akito for sleeping with Kureno," she shot back with equal force. "Don't think I didn't know what was going on with you and her!"

"But a mistake all the sa-"

"Face it Shigure!" she hissed, her eyes merely slits with anger. "You're a dog! You'll chase after anything remotely pretty on two legs… maybe even four!"

A low growl could be heard creeping up from deep within his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to calm the rage building within him. "I'm not here for your games," he replied coldly. "I'm here to tell you that Akito is dead and that she has left Akiten in my care."

Her eyes narrowed as she stepped away from him. "You think it's that easy, huh? Raising a child is never easy––especially that bastard child." She turned her back to him. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself into with her. You'll come crawling back, begging for me to take her off your hands, just you wait and see."

Shigure wanted to slap her, but stopped; he didn't want to sink so low as to hit an old woman, even if she did deserve it. He stormed away from her, slipped his feet into his shoes at the doorway and left before he might do something he would later regret.

X

Akiten walked out of her room with a small suitcase Hatori had given her. Hatori was waiting for her and took her suitcase for her. He looked down at her tenderly, unable to think of any comforting words to say to her. Instead, he asked the frail child, "So you're all ready then?"

She nodded, her frown hidden behind her thick black locks, as he walked her and her suitcase to the door. "Do you have a pair of dark sunglasses and something to cover my head with?"

Hatori knew what it was she was referring to and nodded his head before going off to search for a pair of sunglasses. Akiten waited in the entryway for her father to return. This was the first time she had ever met him. She had always been told that her father's name was Shigure and that he was the dog of the Chinese Zodiac, but that was all she knew. She had no knowledge of what he looked like or how he acted. She could only hope that he wasn't worse than Mistress or desert her like her own mother had. Soon her father returned, a little haggard compared to when he left. He rubbed his face and she could sense that he was trying to calm his anger down.

Shigure looked down at Akiten when he felt calmer and smiled reassuringly. "Ready?"

She nodded, giving him a small smile, and bent down to pick up her small suitcase.

Shigure stopped her quickly. "Let me get that," he told her as he grabbed the handle and lifted it up off the ground. He tilted his head to one side before asking her, "Are you sure you got everything?"

She nodded again before glancing away quickly. Shigure was suddenly wracked with guilt. It was obvious that she didn't have much if her practically empty suitcase contained everything she owned. What was her childhood like? He had no idea what she must have been through because just an hour ago, he didn't even know he had a daughter. He was nervous in a sense that he wasn't sure what it was a father did. His stomach fluttered in a way he couldn't understand, and for the first time, he felt afraid to get close to her.

Before more could be shared between father and daughter, Hatori returned with a dark pair of sunglasses and a black scarf. He handed them to Akiten, who in turn put the sunglasses on her face and wrapped the scarf around her head.

What's with the getup? Shigure thought to himself, but thought it better not to ask. He'll find out later when he felt more comfortable.

Akiten turned to her father and told him she was ready to go now. Shigure took her suitcase and carried it out the front door. Once his back was turned, Shigure didn't see the hug Akiten and Hatori shared in their farewell.

X

Shigure opened the door to Akiten's new room. The only thing in the room, other than the thin layer of dust covering everything, was the pink fluffy bed that had once belonged to Honda Tohru when she was living there with Shigure and his younger cousins. Man, did he ever miss her home-cooked food! She was always so diligent with her housework too; there was never a speck of dust on anything while she was there. Those were the cleanest years of his life.

"This will be your room. It has the best bed. The other rooms are…" Shigure sighed with a chuckle, "well, they're a little cluttered."

Secretly, Shigure had always kept better care of this room in case its old occupant mysteriously returned after she had mysteriously disappeared without a trace. He smiled sadly at the old memory as Akiten walked inside it and looked around. It was still cloudy outside, which made the room look a little on the grey and lonely side. Shigure thought it was odd that she still kept the thick sunglasses on and her head wrapped in the scarf. She turned to him after she finished surveying the room after a few seconds.

"Do you have another room without a window?"

Shigure blinked at her odd, unexpected question. "Another room? Well yes, but all of the rooms have a window. There isn't a room in the house without a window. Why are you so concerned about a window? And why don't you take off that scarf and those sunglasses?" He felt as though she was trying to hide something and it made him somewhat uneasy.

Obediently, she began to unravel the scarf from her head and took the sunglasses from her eyes. She let her hair hang down in clumps in front of her face when she looked up to speak to him. "Let me ask you something, Shigure; have you ever been locked in a small room for days at a time without food or water and not a single stream of light to break through the darkness?"

Shigure was too stunned to speak. He wasn't expecting her to say anything like that, but then, there were a lot of things happening that were unexpected.

"I thought not," she said, lowering her gaze. She put the sunglasses back on. "When your eyes have become as accustomed to darkness as mine have, any little bit of exposure to light hurts them. There's nothing I can do except to take light exposure in small doses until my eyes become used to it."

Shigure's only response was to swallow the large lump that had formed in his throat. He excused himself, telling her that he was going to order some food for lunch. He left Akiten in the room and walked with his hand over his mouth to the bathroom. He felt ill. If what she had told him was true… what in the world had she been through? He was lucky enough to have a decent childhood with his parents that his stomach clenched up at the thought of his daughter suffering. Was this what a 'normal' parent felt when they worried about their child? He tried to compose himself. He splashed some cool water on his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror. He suddenly felt older than he really was.

What kind of a father are you? He asked himself silently. You're pathetic.

X

Akiten was surrounded by darkness again. She sighed contently. This was how she liked it. She enjoyed her solitude in the dark. There was no one to yell at her, or call her names; no one to hit her or beat her out cold. Yes, there was a certain peace and calm she found in the dark.

Akiten's ears perked up when she thought she heard something. It sounded like the voice of a little girl crying. Akiten rose to her feet from her sitting position on the ground and stepped forward in search of the crier.

"Is anyone there?" she asked into the darkness.

There was no answer other than the steady sound of sobbing. She found herself running through the darkness now, pushing her way through the blackness that surrounded her. Her acute eyes searched for the crying child. She thought she was getting closer as the wailing became louder, but she still could not see the child.

"Where are you?" she questioned.

Still no answer other than the crying in the darkness.

Akiten looked around in all directions for the person weeping, but there didn't seem to be anything around her in the darkness; nothing but empty space. Where was she?

"I must be dreaming," she said out loud to herself.

She knew her eyes were sharp in the dark and could pick out anything that was around her. However, since there seemed to be nothing around her, she could only come to the conclusion that she was dreaming.

"Yes, you are dreaming."

Akiten spun around when she heard a person speak to her from behind in a cold, hollow voice. She saw her mother emerge from the darkness. Akito was ghastly white, and was dressed in a white yukata. Everything about her was pale with almost a translucent quality. Akiten began to shake all over as if she were freezing to death. She couldn't stop shaking as Akito walked slowly closer to her.

"And just like dreams can haunt you in your sleep," Akito declared with a sneer, "I can haunt you."

Akiten stepped back, but it was futile. Akito still advanced closer and closer to her. She could hear herself screaming and she realized the child who had been wailing was her own subconscious self within her dream. Akiten stared at her with terror as Akito stopped three feet away and pulled a screaming baby from behind her back. She clutched the baby's feet in her hand and held it upside down as it cried helplessly. From her other hand behind her back, she withdrew a sharp knife and held it against the baby's throat.

With tears burning down her cheeks, Akiten screamed louder, begging with Akito not to do it. "Don't kill her!"

Akiten didn't know if the child was a girl or not, but it just came out that way. She couldn't bear to watch Akito murder a defenseless child, but she couldn't turn away either. She was frozen except for her own screams and falling tears.

"This is what I should have done with you!" Akito shrieked. Her eyes turned bright red as she slashed the baby's throat and dropped it to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

…

Akiten woke up screaming and clawing at her surroundings. She was enclosed in darkness and wasn't sure if she was really awake or still dreaming. She clawed at the walls around her, screeching and screeching at the top of her lungs. Her sharp nails dug into the wooden walls around her as she tried frantically to dig her way out of her cage like a rat. She could feel a hot liquid on her cheeks and wiped frantically at the baby's blood that was pouring down her face. The baby's skin fell off its body and clung to her bloody cheeks. Akiten clawed at the skin between swipes at her cage, still screaming in terror.

Suddenly, Shigure broke the pitch-blackness and pulled her from her box and into the moonlit hallway. She felt him trying desperately to pin her down to the ground so she could calm down without hurting herself. She cried fearfully and scratched his arms with her nails as she tried to escape from his hold. As far as she could tell, it wasn't Shigure gripping her, but Akito trying to kill her like she killed the baby.

Shigure didn't know what to do. She was freaking out to the point where she was hurting him and herself. Fighting with her, he yelled over the shrieks, "Akiten! It's me, Shigure! Calm down!"

She stopped screaming and struggling and opened her eyes. She saw her father pinning her down in the hallway and instinctively she tried to fling him away, but she wasn't strong enough. She gave up to her heavy sobs and crying, "Gomen! Gomen!"

Shigure relaxed and released her shoulders that he'd been gripping. He couldn't see her face, so he moved the tangled mess of hair that clung to her moist cheeks, and found her cheeks all scratched up with small smears of blood mixing with her salty tears. The liquid she thought was blood was really her own tears, and the baby's skin was really her hair sticking to her face. She covered her eyes as she cried pitifully. He didn't know what to do. He looked at the box she had been sleeping in and asked Akiten in a puzzled, gasping voice (as he was still worried and had worn himself out with her struggles), "What were you doing sleeping in the hall closet?"

Suddenly, she flung her arms around his waist, still sobbing uncontrollably. Shocked and surprised, Shigure didn't know what to do when he didn't transform into a dog. Was she a member of the Juunishi too? "Dammit!" he muttered softly to himself, pulling her tightly against his chest. There was so much he didn't know about her.

Akiten, thinking he was mad at her, only began to cry harder and louder. "I'm sorry! I couldn't sleep with the moonlight streaming in through my window! I-I needed a small, dark, enclosed space! I felt safe there! I thought I was safe there!"

She was referring to Akito haunting her dreams, but Shigure didn't understand. He didn't press her though. He just stroked her hair gently and told her "Everything will be okay" in a soft voice. He couldn't understand her distress, and the more he held her and listened to her sobs, the more his heart hurt.

"I'm sorry I was ever born! I'm sorry I ruined Akito's life! I'm sorry I'm such a terrible, worthless child! I'm sorry for screwing everything up! I'm just plain sorry for everything because it's all my fault!" Akiten continued to wail until her voice was hoarse and her nose was plugged up to the point where she had to stop crying and yelling because she needed her mouth to breathe. Slowly, she fell silent as she cried herself asleep against him in his arms.

Shigure, who had tears of his own running down his cheeks, looked down at his daughter powerlessly. What was a pitiful old man like him suppose to do? He didn't know what to do. He wasn't father material. He didn't know how to be a father. He was so pathetic, just like Akito.

He carried her back into her room and tucked her gently into bed without waking her. He kneeled down beside her and watched her sleep, wiping her bloodied tears away on the comforter.

What kind of a father am I?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: If it's getting too dramatic/depressing for you, be assured that the next chapter has a lot of humour! (due to Shigure's inner 'child' coming out at last, and Ayame showing up XD). We'll see how that goes!