Chapter three

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS!

GOCP and Wesker disappear and then appear in the cold, snowy European country of Edonia. They fly into a strip joint where they see Wesker and another man.

Wesker: Did we really have to meet at a strip joint? Do you have any idea how many germs are in this filthy place?

Man: Hey if we're going to conduct business, I wanted it to be somewhere fun.

Wesker: Whatever. Are the virus samples ready yet?

Man: Almost. The samples will be ready-oh yeah girl! Take it off! Take it all off!

Wesker: PAY ATTENTION!

Man: Sorry-um, tomorrow. But I brought a data sheet showing the progress of the virus. Now, lets discuss how much I'll get paid.

Wesker: If the samples are the real thing, you'll get $10,000.

Man: Only $10,000? Come on! That's not enough. These samples are worth way more!

A hot stripper woman comes up to the man and puts her arm around his shoulder.

Man: Hold on one second Wesker.

Man brings out lots of money from his wallet and sticks it on the side of the stripper's thong.

Man: There you go baby. (He smacks her ass).

Stripper: Thanks baby. (She walks away).

Man: Damn, yeah girl, shake that ass. Meow. Anyway as I was saying...yeah I need more than 10,000. Times are rough and I'm short on cash.

Wesker: I can't imagine why.

Man: I don't know why either. Hold on! That's my favorite stripper!

Man goes to the stage and throws money on the stripper, then he sits down with Wesker.

Man: Couldn't you bump up the price a bit? $20,000?

Wesker: 11,000.

Man: Sold!

Wesker: (to himself) What an idiot. (Out loud) Well, nice doing business with you. I'll see you tomorrow. I trust you'll have the samples by then.

Man: Come on Wesker, leaving so soon? Come on, you work way too hard! Just relax. Besides I haven't seen you in months. Grab a beer and enjoy the women!

Wesker: I really should get going. Planning world domination waits for no one.

Man: You're always making plans for world domination. Just relax for once. (He hands Wesker a beer). Come on.

Wesker reluctantly takes the beer.

Wesker: Fine. I'll only have one.

10 beers later...

Wesker (humping the stripper pole): WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Wesker was dancing and grinding with strippers and he also did a breakdance in the middle of the dance floor.

GOCP smiles at Wesker

Wesker: Oh shut up.

GOCP: I didn't say anything.

Wesker: You didn't have to say anything. I know what you're thinking.

The next morning...

Wesker (groggily wakes up): Ugh...what the fuck happened last night?

Just then, a beautiful woman emerges from the sheets. She places her head on Wesker's chest and wraps her arms around his waist.

Beautiful Edonian woman: Good morning.

Wesker: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!

Wesker jumps out of bed. He sees that he's naked. He can't find his clothes. He panics, gets a table lamp and uses the table lamp to cover his private area.

Wesker: WHAT THE FUCK? Why am I naked? Why are you naked?

Beautiful Edonian woman: What do you think lover boy?

Wesker: Oh shit...did we...?

Beautiful Edonian woman: Oh yes we did. That was the best sex I have had in long time. And by a long time I mean a week ago! You are such an animal!

Wesker: Shit, yeah I'm starting to remember now. Fuck I drank way too much last night. What was your name again?

Beautiful Edonian woman: Milla Muller.

GOCP: Oh so that's your baby mama. Wow she is hot!

Wesker: Well, she was a stripper so...Anyway Edonia was such an unpleasant experience! I got drunk, had sex with a slut, and I thought I would leave that day but the virus samples were still not ready.

GOCP: Hold up, lets go forward I wanna see what happened!

Later that week...

Milla: Albert! Guess what? I am with child! Your child!

Wesker: We only had sex once!

Milla: I told you, you were such an animal! You are a good lover and a good baby maker! Oh Albert I am so happy! You will take me to America! We will get married and live in a nice house with our baby yes?

Wesker: Yeah...um, kind of don't have time for that. I'm trying to destroy the world and all that shit.

Milla: Oh no you don't! You are not leaving me! I knew this would happen! Father!

Milla's father appears out of nowhere.

Milla's father: Now look you listen to me Albert! You are not going to shame my daughter! You will marry her today and take of her and this baby! Understand?

Wesker's communicator beeps.

Wesker: Um, excuse me for a second. (Talks to the communicator) The samples are ready? Finally! (Wesker puts off the communicator)

Wesker: Hey, I'll be right back. I just need to um...get my suit for the wedding. Yes.

Wesker runs out. He drove to get the samples and then he flew a helicopter out of Edonia.

Nighttime. Crickets are chirping. Milla and her father are still waiting.

Milla's father: Um yeah...I don't think he's coming back.

GOCP: You are such an asshole.

Wesker: Well Jake and I communicate now! Geez.

GOCP: I have to say Albert, Scrooge was pretty fucked up but you are even more fucked up than he was. Anyway was this journey through your past a life changer for you?

Wesker: No not really.

GOCP: *Sigh* Well I tried. Maybe the Ghost of Christmas Present will help you change your ways. I'm gonna change out of this stupid leotard now. My balls need to breathe!

GOCP disappears.