Chapter four
DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS!
Wesker appears back in his living room.
Wesker: Well that was a strange dream. Although my dream did inspire me to create a serum that can make me fly!
Just then, a black guy appears, floating in the air.
Ghost of Christmas Present: Yo what up man? I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present!
Wesker: Ugh! Why is this ghost black?
GOCPresent: Excuse you? What did you just say?
Wesker: Look, I'm not exactly um...comfortable around your kind. Can I perhaps have another Ghost of Christmas Present? A non negro one?
GOCPresent: Oh hell no! Oh hell no! You did not just say that!
Wesker: Um, but I did though.
GOCPresent: Why you got a problem with black people? You racist motherfucker!
Wesker: Well first of all you people are very loud. I mean why are you being loud right now?
GOCPresent: Keep pissing me off and I'm gonna stick my foot up your ass!
Wesker: That sounds really painful. Hey! That would be a great way to torture the people I despise! (Gets out notepad and starts writing) Note to self, stick my foot up the ass of enemies. First victim's ass that will feel the pain of my foot...Chris Redfield.
GOCPresent: Don't change the subject! Why are you a fucking racist?
Wesker: I'm a sociopath and a power mad, evil, violent psychopath that wants to destroy the world. I'm not exactly a good guy...so how does it surprise you that I'm racist as well?
GOCPresent: True. Man you got issues. If I wasn't short on cash I would not to be around a racist piece of shit like you. Oh well...gotta do my job. So anyway as I was saying earlier before I was so rudely interrupted...I am the ghost of Christmas present. I am also black and proud so deal with it motherfucker. And I am here to show you what's going on in the present so that you can change your ways.
Wesker: All the social and economic problems that go down in the hood have nothing to do with me.
GOCPresent: Oh so all black people live in the hood huh?
Wesker: No only black Americans do. The other negroes live in Africa, duh!
GOCPresent (Takes a deep breath to control his anger): Keep calm. Keep calm. Okay Wesker, lets go.
GOCPresent and Wesker disappear and then they appear inside the living room of a house. In the living room are Leon with his girlfriend Ada, Chris with his girlfriend Jill, Carlos with his girlfriend Sheva, Josh and Claire. Barry Burton owned the house by the way. But he was currently on vacation with his wife and daughters in sunny Barbados. Barry let the gang live and take care of his house while he was away on vacation.
Wesker: I am in a room with all of my enemies! I must kill them all!
GOCPresent: You can't do anything to them dumbass. You're in ghost form. They can't see you.
Wesker: They can't see me huh? What a great idea! I'll invent a serum that will make me invisible!
GOCPresent: Why don't you invent something to cure your insanity?
Wesker: Why don't you um...um...whatever fuck you!
GOCPresent: Good comeback.
Wesker: What are we doing here with all these annoying assholes anyway? And why are there so many pictures of me?
The gang have a dart board with Wesker's face on it and Chris, Jill and Ada are throwing darts at the board. There is also a piñata with Wesker's face and Sheva and Claire are hitting the piñata. There is a huge picture of Wesker on the wall and Josh, Carlos and Leon are playing 'pin the tail on Wesker."
GOCPresent: Well, you see every year during the holidays, these friends throw a "We hate Wesker Holiday Party."
Josh: (blindfolded and walking towards the huge Wesker picture): Am I close guys?
Leon: Getting warmer! Warmer!
Carlos: Warmer!
Josh pins Wesker's face in the picture and removes his blindfold.
Carlos: You pinned his face! 100 points!
Josh: Woohoo!
Carlos, Josh and Leon give each other high fives.
GOCPresent: (laughs) That is funny!
Wesker: How dare these inferior worms mock me?
GOCPresent: Because they hate you, duh! Maybe if you...I don't know...didn't try and kill them all the time maybe they wouldn't hate you.
Just then the doorbell rings.
Claire (looking through the peek hole): Oh yay! It's Sherry and Jake!
Claire opens the door.
Claire: SHERRY!
Claire and Sherry give each other a big hug.
Sherry: Hi Claire!
Claire: JAKE! Come here, bring it in!
Jake: I've told you a gazillion times that I'm not a hugger!
Claire hugs him.
Jake: *sighs* And she still hugs me anyway. Okay, that's enough hugging.
Jake pats Claire gently on the back and gently pulls her off him.
Sheva: Hi guys! What are you two doing here?
Carlos (puts his arm around Sheva's shoulder): Yeah I thought you were spending Christmas Eve and Christmas day with Wesker.
Jake: We wanted to but my dad was more interested in planning to destroy the world than spend Christmas with us!
Jill: Aw, sorry about that Jake.
Jake: I just wanted us to spend Christmas together for once as a family. But my dad doesn't give a shit about me.
Wesker: That's...that's not true.
Sherry: I'm sorry honey. I know you were really looking forward to spending Christmas with Wesker.
Jake: Whatever. You know what? Screw him! I wanna play darts!
Jake gets darts and throws them at the Wesker dart board.
Wesker: He's...he's mocking me as well?
GOCPresent: Well that's because you don't give a shit about him.
Wesker: I do give a shit about him! He's my son!
GOCPresent: Then you need to show him that you care about him. Why don't you focus on spending more time with your son instead of destroying the world?
Wesker: But destroying the world is so much fun.
GOCPresent: Well then Jake is going to keep thinking that you don't care.
Wesker appears back in his living room.
Wesker: Whatever! I don't give a shit what Jake thinks about me! Jake and his whore and his dumb friends can all go to hell!
Just then, the Ghost of Christmas Future appears and she looks just like Miley Cyrus and she's holding a foam finger.
Ghost of Christmas Future: Yeah right! You're lying to yourself! You love Jake.
Wesker: Great. So now I have to talk to a ghost that looks just like Miley Cyrus.
GOCFuture: Honey I don't just look like Miley, I AM Miley. I went to a party and I took too many drugs and I'm currently passed out. This is my spirit form. I'll wake up in a few hours. Then I'll party again! WOOOOOO!
Wesker: So what ghost are you supposed to be?
GOCFuture (touching one of Wesker's metallic torture chairs): Woah! This is so cool yo! What's this? Some kind of sexual kinky shit? I LOVE sexual kinky shit! I love having sex and taking drugs and twerking cuz I ain't Hanna Montana no more!
Wesker: Um, no it's a torture chair.
GOCFuture: Oooo! That is kinky! Can I try it?
Wesker: You didn't answer my question! I said what ghost are you supposed to be? You have the attention span of a fucking squirrel!
GOCFuture: Oh yeah sorry! I'm Miley Cyrus in real life and when I'm unconscious I am the Ghost of Christmas Future! I am going to show you what the future will be like if you go ahead and destroy the world on Christmas day. You ready to see the future?
Wesker: Lets get it over with so I don't have to keep talking to you.
GOCFuture: Lets twerk our way to the future! (She bends down and starts shaking her ass and then glitter appears all over them and they disappear and the reappear to the future).
In the future, Wesker and Miley-I mean, the Ghost of Christmas Future see Future Wesker sitting down on a throne on a parade float. Jill and Chris are pulling the parade float.
Future Wesker: This ride isn't going fast enough! Pull it faster! (Wesker hits them with a whip)
Jill and Chris: Yes King Wesker!
Wesker: Jill and Chris being whipped and humiliated by me! This is a dream come true!
GOCFuture: They're so lucky...I've always wanted to be whipped. That is so hot.
Wesker: You have issues. And if I'm saying that you have issues then you really need to reevaluate your life.
People in the crowd: ALL HAIL KING WESKER OUR MASTER!
Future Wesker: Yes that's right! I am your master! MUHAHAHAHA!
Just then, Jake runs in the middle of the road and stands there.
Future Wesker: Jake? Why are you interrupting my parade?
Jake: I told you not to destroy the world on Christmas day but you ignored me! Now everybody has been brainwashed by you! And you imprisoned Sherry!
Future Wesker: Sorry but she's really annoying!
Jake: Ugh! I never want to see you ever again Wesker! I HATE YOU! You might have taken over the world and gained all these minions, but you have lost your son! Fuck you Wesker! Have a nice life!
Future Wesker: Jake? Jake wait!
Jake runs away.
Future Wesker: Jake...
Wesker: Jake? No...
GOCFuture: Oh shit! I told my daddy that I hated him yesterday! He was all like, "Miley, why you always gotta act like a slut? What happened to ma little girl?" And I was all like, "Well Daddy I'm a grown woman now and I can do whatever I want with ma body!" And he was all like, "I'm ashamed of you!" And I was like "I hate you!" Then I went out to party, took Molly, passed out and here I am.
Wesker: You probably need to stop taking drugs because I don't think your brain is properly working anymore. What the fuck? What are you doing?
GOCFuture (licking a stop sign): Does this turn you on? This is hot right? I'm hot right?
Wesker: ...
GOCFuture (still licking the stop sign)
Wesker: Can I go home now?
Back at Wesker's living room
GOCFuture: Wow that was one hell of a trip to the future huh? Now we're back at your place, you wanna have sex?
Just then Ghost of Christmas Future starts disappearing
GOCFuture: Oh man I'm waking up! I don't want to wake up yet! I wanna have sex with you! You're so sexy in an evil kind of way!
Ghost of Christmas Future disappears.
Wesker: And I thought I was fucked up in the head. Anyway I can't live in a future where Jake hates me! I must do something!