Unfinished Thoughts - Chapter 4

I made it to Jackie's house in record time. It didn't worry that I might be pulled over; I could always use compulsion as my get out of jail free card. I knew I shouldn't rely on spirit, that I should avoid it unless it was necessary, but I couldn't help it. Without the drinks and without the pills, spirit was all I had. I'd give it up entirely if I could have Sydney back, and I wouldn't even miss it that much. But without her… I needed spirit. It was the only advantage I had in this battle I was getting ready to fight.

Marcus, Jackie and all her cats were waiting for me in the living room. I had been here a lot since Sydney was taken, but it still felt weird not having her walking around talking about magic and spells; I stood still for about ten seconds, holding my breath, waiting for her to come out of Jackie's office, her face pale, asking for orange juice…

"Adrian."

Marcus' voice brought me back to the present. I opened my eyes and put my old smile on, even though I knew it didn't reach my eyes. Sydney needed me. I could do this.

"I see you brushed your hair. Looks slightly less horrible than usual," I said, knowing I shouldn't antagonize him but not being able to resist anyway. Old habits die hard.

"I'd have put some gel on it if you had left any available for anyone else," he answered without missing a beat. I felt the muscles on my face stretching a bit more, my smile wanting to spread. This was familiar banter and I thought that if I could just close my eyes, I would hear Sydney's exasperated sigh, her voice telling us to get back to business…

"Here you go," Ms. Terwilliger – or Jackie, as she insisted on having me call her – said, touching my shoulder, and handing me a cup of tea as manner of greeting.

"Thank you, Jackie. Herbal tea or magic potion?" I asked, not sure what to do with it. I never cared much for hot drinks.

"Chai latte," she answered. "Not spiked, obviously. How are you holding up?"

I didn't sip the tea and I didn't answer her question. It was rhetorical anyway; she knew how I was holding up, they all knew. Even though Sydney and I had never confided in anyone apart from Jill, it was obvious now that something had been going on. It was even more obvious to Jackie, who had unknowingly helped us cover some of our secret meetings.

"You found Carly?" I asked Marcus, who had not gotten up from his seat yet. I didn't even bother sitting down; if his information were sound, I'd have to leave soon.

"Yeah. I got a tip from one of my inside sources saying she's in Idaho. No tips on either Sydney or Zoe, though. I don't think any of my sources are well-connected enough to have access to that kind of intelligence."

"Where in Idaho?"

"What are you planning on doing?" he asked cautiously, even as he propped his feet up Jackie's coffee table.

"That is none of your business. Where in Idaho?"

He eyed me suspiciously, trying to decide whether or not I was trustworthy. Apparently my good looks weren't enough to land me in Marcus' good graces.

"You know that whatever it is I'm planning is to get her back," I said calmly. "You owe it to her to do whatever you can to find her, after all she did for you."

"She didn't do it for me, mate, make no mistake. If it were up to me, she'd have left the Alchemists and broken her tattoo the moment she found herself doubting them. If it were up to me, she'd be safe now."

I shot from my seat and towards him, holding his shirt collar in my hand. He was too stunned to react.

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't say that to myself every minute of every day? You think I don't know it's my fault?"

As I voiced the thoughts that had been on my head since Sydney had been taken, my voice broke down and I released Marcus. It was true, all of it. It was my fault. She would have been safe if I had left her alone, if I had never declared myself, if…

"Here," Jackie said, touching my shoulder and offering me tea for the second time. This time, I drank it, letting the hot liquid burn my throat. I deserved it. I deserved it all because Sydney was suffering because of me.

"Let's try and have a civilized conversation, shall we? Adrian, get back to your seat."

I resisted the urge to bark a "yes ma'am" to her, but remained where I was, gulping down my tea and staring at her defiantly. Marcus decided seating down probably was a tactical disadvantage and stood up, facing me. None of us said anything.

"Alright," Jackie went on after an uncomfortable silence. "What both of you seem to be forgetting in this scenario is the very person who brought us together and whom we're trying to help. Sydney is not a helpless damsel in distress that needs to be kept safe," she nodded at Marcus, "nor is she someone who would allow choices to be made for her," she said, looking at me. "Sydney is a brilliant, resourceful young woman who made her own decisions knowing the risks she was taking. Finger pointing who's to blame for what happened won't help you now, and most certainly won't help Sydney."

She sat back down on her chair, looking pointedly at both of us. Marcus was the first one to acknowledge Jackie was right, sitting down on the couch. I followed suit, knowing it was up to me to keep my emotions in check. I needed Marcus. Sydney needed Marcus.

"This one time last year," I started, "Sydney was summoned by the Alchemists to Virginia, apparently to bring them up to speed on how things were going here," I said carefully, making sure I didn't mention Jill or the mission. "It turns out they wanted her to see that other Alchemist guy, Keith, who was being held for working with a Moroi."

"Yeah," Marcus chimed in, "re-education. That's what they call it."

I clenched my fists, trying to stay focused.

"They asked her to give them her opinion about him. They wanted to know if she thought he was really being too friendly with vampires."

"That's common procedure, from what I hear," Marcus said. "They would want to be very thorough."

"So it's safe to assume that at some point they will ask Zoe and her son-of-a-bitch of a father to come and see her, right?"

Marcus opened his mouth, and closed it again immediately. I could almost see his brain working, trying to connect where my line of thought would lead me. I went for the overkill.

"I've been visiting Jared Sage's dreams."

"You what?"

"Look, right now we have no clue where she is. He's gonna have to go see her eventually, probably more than once. Isn't he one of the higher-ups in your society?" I didn't give him time to answer. "So I'm making sure he's afraid of falling asleep, I'm making sure he knows I can make his life hell." I looked up at Marcus, who stared at me incredulously, and Jackie who had something else entirely in her eyes: it seemed like a mix of fear and… respect?

"You're haunting him?" Marcus asked.

"Yes," I said simply.

"And how is that going to help Sydney? Seems to me this will only make him want to increase security around her."

"Maybe," I said. "But it will also make him more likely to make mistakes. And it's leaving him a bit paranoid, which I enjoy."

"I feel like you're going somewhere with this, Adrian," Jackie chimed in.

"Maybe Carly can help us. I need to find out where he is, where Zoe is. One of them is going to lead us straight to Sydney."

"And then what?" Marcus asked.

"Then we bring her back. I haven't figured out how yet, but I know that the only to find where they're hiding her is through the Alchemists. We've tried magic, we've tried dreams, we've tried the Queen and none of it worked." I was beginning to get worked up again, but I couldn't stop, I needed Marcus to tell me where in Idaho Carly was. "I can't just sit still and do nothing anymore. Who knows what they're doing to her? Who knows how they're blocking her from magic and spirit dreams? Right now they're probably trying to break her, to destroy everything that she holds dear, to destroy everything that she is, and I can't sit still doing nothing. If there's even the slightest chance that following her asshole of a father will help me find her, then I have to do it. I have to do everything I can!"

Nobody spoke for what seemed like hours. They were probably trying to decide whether or not I was on the verge of madness, while I was calming myself down, thinking of how the sun made Sydney's hair shine brightly and of all the things I would do to her once we got her out of wherever she was.

"Seems like there's only one thing you boys can do now," Jackie said. "Idaho is far, and it will take you at least half a day to get there. How soon can you leave?