Chapter three
I wake up the next day with a terrible hangover. At least it feels like a hangover. My tongue feels like it is clothed in wool and my head is pounding worse than it did last night. I try to lay still , yet the incredible pain makes me thrash around. I don't want to open my eyes because I just know that the harsh shards of daylight will be extremely painful. When my eyes finally do flutter open , my ceiling is the first thing I see. After a moment I realise that it's not my ceiling - it was very familiar but it isn't my bedroom ceiling.
I sit up ever so slowly and look around to get my bearings. It is my bedroom alright, but it is the bedroom that I had when I lived downstairs! Cautiously optimistic, I look around for more clues. Oh my God! The Supremes sampler! Despite my pounding head, I rush over to the garbage where I had shoved my designs for the Supremes costumes after I had tried to get the Glee guys wear for the "guys verses girls" contest. At the time I had been so angry and hurt by the boys' snub that I shoved it into the garbage (after salvaging some more expensive material swatches of course!).
I quickly try to figure out when that was and I realise that I had trashed the lot the day before the kiss! I had to know for sure so I rush over to my old closet to look through my shirts. I squeal with delight when I find my midnight blue Hugo Boss shirt. I love that shirt and it is still here! I know that it was ruined beyond repair by a slushy the day after the kiss.
Stupid me, my phone! I smack my head with my hand then curse out loud 'cause I momentarily forgot my head ache and now I've made it worse. I grab phone and check that, YES the date is correct and this is the day! Can I be dreaming? No, I can't be dreaming because who has an excruciating headache in a dream? But what if I'm only dreaming it hurts? I grab a bottle of my favourite skin care lotion and inhale deeply taking in the lovely apricot and almond aroma. I don't think people are able to smell stuff in their dreams! I'm positive now. I'm positive I am living over the day I want to and right now, Dave is alive and well! I dive into my closet excitedly and start planning what to wear. I'm beside myself with excitement and quickly prepare myself for what will be an eventful day.
It is really weird being back at school and watching all the drama between the Glee kids being played out again. Luckily my earlier self was organised and I had a class schedule up on my locker door so my present self can check the order of my classes. Repeating classes again will be interesting and I'm looking forward to appearing super smart since I have already sat through the lessons once already. It will be like a year of review so I will have plenty of time to concentrate on my mission to save Dave.
After my late-morning English class I started scanning the halls looking for Dave. Since I can't actually remember the particulars of how I ended up in the locker room with Dave (his searing kiss was all I remember from that day) I have decided to take the bull by the horns and find David as soon as possible to start things happening. I have to laugh at myself, at this time almost two years ago I would be scanning the halls for Dave so I can avoid him, but here I am hoping to make contact with him!
I turn the corner and stop dead. There is David a little further down the hall talking to some other jocks. He's joking and laughing and LIVING! My heart starts to pound and I feel almost dizzy. I want to rush over there and just touch him to feel the solid flesh and warm skin under my hands. Of course I can't do that, not in front of the jocks and not without getting my clock punched for sure, so I have to be content just watching Dave. He is smiling and nodding with the guys, looking happy and relaxed.
After a while the small group brakes up leaving Dave and the boy named Jackson(?) behind to talk a little longer. Finally the pair bump fists and Jackson leaves David alone and ambles down the hall. That's when I see it! Dave checks out his ass! I smile to myself and wonder how I missed that before. Does he have any idea how obvious he is?
"Hey Hummel! What are you grinning at? You better not be perving on me!" David growls at me angrily.
The sudden anger shocks me and I gasp and flush scarlet. I had forgotten how scary Dave was when he was a bully. I open my mouth to deny the charge but then shut it immediately and run off in the other direction, humiliated. Wow! Great first meeting Kurt! I think angrily to myself, You are not going to get very far if you run and hide whenever he confronts you! I head off to my next class feeling pretty dejected. Suddenly this seems so real and my mission so huge. What if I can't change the course of events?
This morning when I arrived at school, I wasn't sure what to expect, or how I would react emotionally. I remember last time, going through so much heart ache during this time period with worries over my dad's health, and the fear associated with Dave's bullying. Now that I'm back, and am not filled with fear for Dad or Dave. I can actually appreciate the support and relationships I have with my friends.
As I stride down the hall eager to sing in Glee practise, I feel my phone vibrating. I look and see that I have a message from Blaine. Blaine, my boyfriend that was, but isn't yet. This time travelling thing is confusing! I just can't keep my tenses correct! The message just says COURAGE. I smile at the message, remembering back to the beginning of our friendship, and I start thinking how kind and supportive Blaine had been about the bullying.
I remember that I, or rather the old Kurt had just visited Dalton yesterday. There is something else concerning this message and I wrack brain trying to remember, the memory was there hovering so close almost forming into something important… OH SHIT! I realise a second too late and I get rammed from behind by a teenaged freight train by the name of Karofsky. My phone goes flying one way and I fly the other and get face planted right into a locker before falling to the ground. I am momentarily shocked by the force of it. I had forgotten how violent Dave's aggression was towards me.
David turns back to survey the damage then turns to walk nonchalantly down the hall towards the boys' locker room. I get up, dust myself off and walk after him. And so history repeats itself I think as I ready myself outside the locker room door. This time I'll go in non-confrontational and be as gentle as I can. I just hope David doesn't kill me for my kindness.
"David?" I call out more timidly then I had hoped as I open the door.
"Girls' locker room is next door, Hummel," Dave replies chuckling slightly at his joke.
"David, I think we should talk." I say trying to muster as much confidence as I can.
"Excuse me?" Dave responds surprised.
"I know you're scared but-"
"Scared, me? Maybe I'm scared that you're sneaking in here to take a peek at my junk!" Dave responds continuing to collect stuff from his locker.
"I'm not here to peek at your junk." I argue but then add as a kindly afterthought. "Though I'm sure it's very nice."
"What?! Are you perving on me again Hummel?" David says, quickly turning around to face me.
"No! I just want to talk to you about the bullying. I want to discuss the reasons why you do it."
"I'll be happy to discuss the reasons why I do it Hummel," David repeats sarcastically. "I do it because I hate fags!"
"Then you must hate yourself." I retort angrily.,
David looks shocked , then mad as hell. In an instant before I can even react, David reaches forward and grabs me by the lapels and flings me against the locker. He towers over me, easily pinning me to the lockers with brute force. David's face is mere inches away from me and I could feel his hot breath hit me in harsh bursts.
"What the hell do you mean by that?" Dave grinds out menacingly.
I swallow thickly, scared out of my wits but I continue on anyways. "Dave I think you're gay. And I think you need support and encouragement to deal with your sexuality."
David's face, already in a tight grimace; gets even tighter as his eyes narrow. "Where the fuck did you get that idea? Was somebody talking? Did you hear rumors?"
"When I was in the hall this afternoon, I noticed that you checked out Jackson's ass as he was leaving." Of course I know our whole history but I can't tell Dave any of it so I use what happened today to my advantage.
Dave pales, he obviously wasn't expecting that. He eases up on me a little and goes all defensive. "I was not checking out his ass! I was checking out his jeans."
"Yeah sure you were, and Jackson fills them out so very nicely." I reply smirking. That wasn't smart because David pushes me in the locker again, absolutely furious.
"You'd better watch your mouth Hummel, before I smash it in with the Fury!" he growls and raises his fist to show me.
I look at the huge fist then look at Dave. I gulp again and say "You won't hit me. You don't really want to hurt me – you want to kiss me. You keep looking at my lips."
Dave looks up, horrified as my astute observation hits him. "I don't – I" He moves his fist back as if he's really going to deck me.
I scrunch my eyes closed and wait for the painful blow. Instead of pain I feel hands cupping my face and Dave pulls me forward towards waiting lips. Our mouths crash together and I can't believe I am taken by surprise a second time. I have always remembered my first kiss from Dave as hard and scary. This time, the kiss seems passionate and exciting. Was it the same kiss and the difference is how I perceive it? In the end I decide that I don't care and I quickly press my lips against Dave's in a slow dance. Heat radiates from our engaged mouths down through my body and straight into my groin. I can't help but moan.
After several seconds David pulls away and glances at me unsure and vulnerable. Our eyes are locked together trying to read what the other is thinking. I try and keep my expression neutral , not wanting to alarm David in anyway. When David finally comes in for a second kiss I am ready and waiting. I ease my arms around David's neck to pull him close as we kiss. Dave tentatively licks my lips and I open my mouth to invite him in. The passion is ratcheted up tenfold when our tongues meet and mingle. Dave leans in with his whole body and presses me up against the lockers. I love the feeling of having David so alive and vibrant with big strong arms that evelope me.
I want to be even closer so I hook my leg around Dave's thigh and pull him in. I rotate my hips so our growing erections rub together. It was an instinctual thing to want to savour him but it was obviously too much, too soon because Dave suddenly yanks himself away and stares at me with a shocked and horrified expression. We stare at each other for a few seconds then Dave's face suddenly crumples, he half turns and bangs the locker angrily. He gives me one last pained look - the exact one he gave me the first time this happened, and takes off out of the locker room. I fall to the floor stunned, hurt and confused by the obvious rejection.
Whaaammm! I now realise that the term "teeth rattling" might not be just a figure of speech as I am thrown bone jarringly hard against the lockers. The breath has been knocked out of me and I fall to the floor in a crumpled heap. I am completely stunned by the impact but have just enough awareness of what happened to look up and see Dave staring at me as he walks backwards down the hall. He shoots me a warning look before turning around and walking away from me. This is exactly what happened the last time after the kiss. My encouraging and eager response did nothing to change our paths. I sadly realise that not only is time/the universe, an immense and organic thing, it also has a certain amount of inertia that is really difficult to change. I feel lost and alone and am not sure what to do next. I decide I need some advice.
"Thanks for meeting me here Blaine" I say as we both slide into a booth at the Lima Bean. "I had an altercation with my bully and something happened that I would like some advice on."
"Sure thing! I would like to support you in any way." Blaine pauses and sips his coffee; his head jerks up worriedly. "That homophobic jerk didn't hurt you did he?"
"His name is David and it turns out he's gay."
"How do you know he's gay?"
"During one of our altercations he kissed me passionately - twice."
"Yep. That sounds pretty gay." Blaine agrees.
"The problem is that the bullying hasn't stopped. In fact it has increased; he's pushing me into lockers harder and more frequently." I reply sadly.
"Maybe I should come to your school so that we can confront him together, like a united front," suggests Blaine.
"Yeah like that worked so well the last time," I grumble under my breath thinking about the time when Blaine and I confronted Dave in the stairwell.
"I beg your pardon?" Blaine asks puzzled.
I quickly try and cover my slip. "I'm sorry, me and a friend of mine confronted another boy once before and it didn't end well. It just made the boy feel ganged up on. I want to help Dave, not scare him."
"You still want to help this jerk?" Blaine quizzes me looking surprised.
"Of course! David is obviously struggling and not accepting his sexuality. He must be in a terrible place to torment me like he does. I'm sure it's a cry for help. Only I am stumped as to how to help him and remain unharmed at the same time."
"Tell me how you guys ended up kissing in the first place. It might give me an idea how he's thinking," Blaine suggests.
I suddenly feel uncomfortable and shy at the idea of discussing the kiss with my ex-boyfriend even though Blaine is just an acquaintance at this point. I guess I still feel bad about our turbulent breakup and for shutting him out of my life. Blaine had been a model boyfriend and didn't deserve the detached treatment I gave even though I was in such a dark place.
Right now, looking into Blaine's warm eyes and smile, I feel a sudden strong surge of affection for him. Though I don't want to go through the boyfriend route with him this time, I really appreciate what a kind and generous person, and a true good friend Blaine was, or rather will be. I swallow my nervousness and start to tell Blaine the whole sequence of events that went down in the boys' locker room.
I finally finish my story, and comparing it (in my mind) to the previous time, I add, "I can understand the continued violence if I had pushed him away after the first kiss. You know, him feeling angry at being rejected and wanting to punish me. But I didn't reject him; I even kissed him back enthusiastically. So why is he still so mean and horrible?"
"Enthusiastically? So are you telling me you enjoyed his kisses?" Blaine asks amused.
"Well – yes – I suppose. He's very passionate." I admit. "and I might have got a little carried away."
"Do you like him?"
"No! I mean – I don't know. I'm sort of confused how I feel about him. The anger behind the violence is really scary. But I am absolutely positive that David doesn't really want to hurt me."
"You're probably right Kurt, he did kiss you rather than punch you in the face," Blaine muses. "If you are confused about how you feel and you are quite comfortable with your sexuality, imagine how churned up he must be inside. He's deep in the closet feeling vulnerable, trying to keep under the radar so no one finds out he is gay. He comes to realize that he's attracted to you so he bullies you to prevent people from guessing his real feelings for you. Then in the locker room, not only does he out himself by kissing you, he finds out that the object of his affection might actually return his feelings."
"I said I'm not sure what my feelings are towards David."
"He doesn't know that." Blaine continues, "all he knows is that you now know his dark secret and may out him to his friends by showing him affection publically."
"What by batting my eyes at him and swooning? I'm not stupid! I won't out him," I grumble.
"You think he's terrorizing you with the bullying? He's the one that's terrorized; scared from one second to the next that you'll kiss him again or he'll kiss you. He is most likely making your life a misery so you won't like him. If you don't like him and avoid him, then he feels his horrible secret is safer."
"I can see your point." I concede, "but what do I do to support him and not get constantly body checked? My poor torso is one big bruise!"
Blaine ponders the question a moment and then answers carefully. "I believe you have the right idea to try and continue to talk to him and be his friend, but be patient, this might take a while. Whatever you do, don't romance him at all. He is definitely NOT ready for a boyfriend!"
"You're right!" I declare, impressed with Blaine's insight. "I'll have to do things on his time table. I just wish I didn't have to go through this next bit again."
"What bit again?" asks Blaine confused.
"I'm experiencing Déjà vu. I feel I've been through all this before." I reply deadpan.
The next few weeks are terrible and I feel like I am experiencing deja dread, reliving this period of my life. David and I were playing this bizarre game of cat and mouse and even though I'm trying different reactions, nothing is really changing.
Knowing the outcome of a certain situation doesn't necessarily mean I know what to do differently to make it better. I try to approach David when he seems mellow and relaxed and try to talk to him in a compassionate manner about his situation, but he immediately panics and yells at me to get lost or leave him alone and practically runs away from me. Yet he's constantly sneaking up on me to pancake me into lockers at every opportunity. I try to encourage myself by assuming that he must want some interaction with me or he'd leave me alone. And every interaction, no matter how painful means a chance of getting through to him.
It's an uphill battle, and I'm bone weary. Some of our encounters are the same ones that I remember from before and since I already know what's going to happen, I come prepared and sometimes the outcomes are quite amusing.
For instance when Dave winked at me in the cafeteria, I blew him a kiss. The comic look of shock on his face made me laugh out loud. Of course that was wiped out later when David confronted me at my locker.
"What the hell are you doing Hummel? What was that little show in the cafeteria before? Are you coming on to me?" David asks as he grinds me into the already bent metal locker. Seriously, there are Hummel divots in most of the lockers at McKinley.
"No!" I declare.
"Have you told anybody how you kissed me in the locker room?"
"You're the one who kissed me – twice!" I spluttered, amazed at the world of denial that David lives in.
"Well you kissed back as if you liked it."
"Well duh! I'm gay! And while we're at it, how about you admitting you enjoyed it as well and that you are also gay."
"I'm not! If you tell anyone I am - I'll kill you!" Dave threatened.
I hadn't forgotten how he threatened me before and how terrified I was. This time I wasn't scared but he was still very intimidating. "I don't believe you." I respond, trying remain calm and logical. "You could have hurt me in the locker room and you didn't. You're not going to kill me Dave." David just scowls at me and walks away.
At this time, I am also busily re-planning the wedding ceremony between my dad and Carol. In some ways it is a welcome distraction from the bullying and I feel I can improve the already perfect wedding celebration. For one thing I changed the florist. I wasn't happy with the bruised and wilty looking orchids in Carol's bouquet the first time.
When Finn comes up to my locker wanting to do something at the wedding to show he's a leader, I repeat my suggestion that he dance with Carol. I also suggest that we sing a duet together at the reception to show our new parents that we plan to work together to make the family work. He seems pleased with the idea and I suggest we do a mashup of 'You've Got A Friend' and 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough'. What he doesn't know is I suggested this so he doesn't feel compelled to sing 'Just The Way You Are' to me a second time.
I was so touched his song the first time and it was so special, that I don't want that memory ruined by the fact that I know about it this time. I want to make a new good memory owith Finn. After Finn leaves I mull over the idea of approaching Mercedes and asking her to quietly discourage him from singing it to me when David approaches me. Dave pokes me in the chest and runs his finger down my shirt. God, it was just as creepy as the first time he did it.
"Can I keep this?" Dave asks as he snatches the wedding topper from the top of my books.
"Sure, it might inspire you to be happy someday." I respond. David looks confused until he takes a closer look at the cake topper. Instead of the traditional bride and groom, the topper has two grooms standing together.
"No thanks!" David drops the topper to the floor like it's on fire and pushes past me, angrily shoving me into the locker again. I sigh, thoroughly fed up with the constant aggression. Of course that's when Mr. Schue who has watched the whole event, comes over and insists that I see Sue Sylvester the acting principal.
"Look, I can handle the bullying." I blurt out to before Sue can say anything. "Besides you can't expel David until he lays a finger on me." I further argue, remembering the first time we had this meeting.
"So let's just wait to see what happens." I get up from the chair in her office to leave, but then I turn around and address her. "You know, calling me 'Lady' is bullying as well. If you have to give me a nickname, I want to be called Porcelain." I then leave the room with a smirk because I know I have left a stunned Sue Sylvester speechless behind me.
Another time I had gotten so wrapped up in the dancing lessons with Finn and Dad that I had forgotten the whole limp wrist episode until just before it happens. We were in the choir room and I was dancing with Finn while Dad watched us when I suddenly freeze remembering what was about to happen. I glance up at the door and sure enough Dave is walking by, flopping his hand about very daintily. Of course Dad catches sight of him and asks who that boy is.
"That's David Karofsky, he's been bullying Kurt," Finn blurts out helpfully.
I scowl at Finn and start talking a mile a minute to calm my dad down. "Dad don't worry, it's something of nothing. I can handle it no problem."
"No you can't." Finn says, NOW suddenly caring when he didn't do a damned thing before. "The Glee girls asked the guys to confront Karofsky because they were worried that the bullying was getting out of hand and affecting Kurt negatively. It got kinda violent in the locker room."
"Finn, shut up! Why are you suddenly standing up and becoming involved now?" I ask glaring at Finn. I turn to my Dad and start running off at the mouth. "Look Dad, it's not a big deal. So he pushes me into lockers and threatens to kill me – it's not like he really means it." I stop when I realise the huge slip I've made. "Dad wait!" I shout but he's already out the door and running down the hall after David.
Finn and I dash out behind him but he has already caught up to David and has him pressed up against the wall, threatening all manner of things if Dave ever touches his son again.
"Dad please! Don't hurt him! Think of your heart!" I yell with a sinking spirit. It seems that history is intent on repeating itself and I can't think of any way to change it.