Chapter Six

Finally, we're on his front porch, Dave is so shaky he can't fit the key into his door lock so I gently take the key and do it for him. I am so scared for him despite dad's reassurances that Mr. Karofsky knows about Dave's sexual orientation. I do respect my dad's opinions and it sounds like the two men have been talking a lot. But Dave is so fragile right now that I know that the slightest negative remark could trigger him to kill himself. I suddenly wish that I had tried to speak with Dave's dad after the funeral to find out what his thoughts were about his gay son. At the time I was too ashamed by my behavior towards Dave just before his suicide that I refused to talk to him even though my dad thought it might help me. I shake my head to rid myself of these morbid thoughts and turn the key. Here goes nothing...

We enter the front hall and Dave stands there frozen suddenly unable to move. All dad and I can do is stand beside him. Since it looks like Dave is rooted there on the spot my dad calls out, "Hello Paul? We have brought your son home, can we have a little talk?"

Paul comes out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on an apron it appears we caught him in the middle of doing dishes.

"Hi Burt, Kurt how are ya doing? David, I was worried about you, you suddenly took off and turned off your phone...David are you alright?!"

Dave looked very pale and clammy. "No! I' m not alright, I'm - I'm - Oh god I can't do it!" Dave whimpered. His face crumbled, he was breathing hard and was about to burst into tears again.

My dad grabbed his shoulder reassuringly and turned towards Paul. "Dave is trying to tell you he's gay."

Paul looked shocked, "Dave is gay?"

Now it was my dad's turn to look shocked. "You didn't know!?"

"I had no idea!"

Dave lets out an anguished moan and Paul quickly reaches out to him and pulls him into a hug. "Shhh! It's okay. Dave everything's going to be fine." he whispers in his son's ears as Dave weeps into his neck.

Dave just keeps saying over and over, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

I feel compelled to say something since Dave's major issue of survivor guilt hasn't been addressed yet.

"Mr. Karofsky, David told me about the terrible car accident that hurt your family and killed his older brother. He wishes he was the one who died instead of his brother."

Paul immediately turns to David. "David! Oh God no! Don't ever think that! It was a real tragedy that your brother died and I grieved at the loss of my son for a long time, but I would have grieved just as hard if it had been you. Why would you think that you should have died instead?"

"If I had died then you would have had a straight son who could give you grand children instead of being left with a fat, stupid gay one!" Dave managed to gasp out between sobs.

"Oh David, if you had died in that accident instead of Richard, I still would have had a surviving gay son."

"What? What do you mean?" David gasped.

"Richard was gay."

"So when we discussed raising gay children you were referring to Richard." my dad pipes up, most likely relieved he wasn't going crazy.

"That's right. Please come into the living room and sit. I think we need to discuss this and get everything out in the open."

"My dad and I should go, so you two can discuss your personal things without us intruding."

"Kurt, I would like you and your father to stay. You both have been instrumental in helping Dave; knowing more can only help. You might even give us insight into this mess. You certainly saw David's pain when I was blind to it. Please come in and sit."

We all sit down and we all turn to watch Dave. He is obviously struggling with this new information about his brother. "Richard couldn't have been gay. He hated faggots. He told me himself."

"That doesn't make sense you must have misunderstood him, what did he say to you exactly? Paul asks looking puzzled.

"We were walking along the road together one day and I saw Rachael Berry on the other side of the road walking with her two fathers. I remarked to Richard that I thought she was lucky having two dads. I was thinking it would be more fun. At the time, I thought Moms were a pain 'cause they were always yelling at you to pick up your clothes or wash behind your ears. Anyways, Richard grabbed me and pulled me around to face him. He asked me point blank, 'Is that what you want? To walk hand in hand with some man and play happy families and be called a faggot?" I told him no way! But then I had to ask him what a faggot was. I already knew that being called fag ot faggot was an insult but I didn't know what it meant. Richard told me a fag is a boy who likes other boys instead of girls and wants to kiss them. At the time I didn't want to kiss either boys or girls but I knew that Mom had said kissing boys was a terrible sin. So I told him, that I was no fag. He said that was good because if I did was a fag, my life would be nothing but misery. 'Don't ever fall for a boy they'll break your heart.' he said. And we never discussed it again."

"When did this happen?" Paul asks.

"I Don't know, a couple of weeks before the accident."

"That explains it. Richard had just lost his boyfriend and he was very upset about it. He was referring to himself when he told you boys will break your heart. I imagine he was being ironic when he referred to Rachael's fathers as fagots. He was so despondent around that time he probably didn't consider how literal ten year old boys are."

"Richard had a boyfriend?!" Dave asks stunned.

"Remember Mike his best friend? He was also his boyfriend."

"Mike was nice. He moved away. I had no idea..."

"He was forced to move away. When his parents found out that Richard and Mike were more than just friends they sent him away. They packed up and left the neighbourhood shortly after."

"How did you find out Richard was gay?" my dad asks.

Paul smiled, "It was Dave here who found out, only he was too young to understand what he saw."

"Me?"

"One day you came down the stairs in tears and told me that you wanted to play with Rich and Mike. They were wrestling on the bed in Richard's room and when you came in and wanted to join them. You told me that they yelled at you and told you to fuck off. Well I was surprised because Rich was normally so good to you and I was angry that he would use such a bad word to curse you, so I marched up the stairs and into his room to yell at him for using that kind of language. When I walked I got the surprise of my life - they weren't wrestling.

I just turned around and left the room, came back down stairs and I told you that Richard was wrong to shout and swear at you. But that you shouldn't go in his room ever again when the door was shut. I told you to knock first and ask permission to come in. I explained that your brother was a big boy and needed his privacy."

"I assuming you had a talk with Richard." my Dad asks.

"Yes I did but what was there to say? You can't tell a sexually active teenager in love anything. They know it all, and their love is the greatest love of the century. All I could do was to plead with him to practise safe sex and be discreet, since he had a younger brother in the house. I warned him to not show any affection to Mike in front of his mother. You see my wife is very religious and believes homosexuality is a terrible sin. I wanted to protect him from her wrath.

"He and Mike managed to keep it secret for several months but one day Sylvia came home early and caught them on the couch cuddling. Your mother immediately accused Mike of sexually assaulting her son and for trying to lead him astray. She would not believe that Richard was a willing participant even though he insisted he was. She kicked Mike out of the house and phoned his parents and informed them that their son was a sexual pervert who molested her son. As you know Mike's parents attended the same church as your Mom." Paul said as an aside to Dave.

"I'm sure you remember that your brother and mother were always a little at odds with each other. Richard was constantly arguing with her about her religious conservative views and she was always criticizing him on his disrespectful attitude towards her. They loved each other but you couldn't get more polar opposite views in one house.

"When this issue came up they were at logger heads and were constantly fighting. She kept denying he was gay and he kept insisting he was. Richard wanted to come out so that he could date Mike out in the open. You can imagine how angry your Mom was with that idea. He tried to see Mike several times but Mike's parents wouldn't allow it.

" Finally Mike ended the relationship himself by phone. He told Richard that his parents beat him as soon as he arrived home after they were discovered. He said he was glad that he was punished because what they were doing was sinful and sick. Mike told Richard that his parents were sending him away on a program to cure homosexuality and that as soon as his parents sold their house they would be moving out of the state. Richard pleaded with him to come out of the closet and be with him but Mike was resolute, he didn't want to be gay and he did not want to see Richard again. Your brother was devastated.

"He still wanted to come out but your Mom was dead set against that. She was worried about gossip and her standing in her church. I was also against it for different reasons. I was worried that coming out so soon after losing his boyfriend and having to endure a toxic atmosphere at home would make him vulnerable to people's nasty opinions. I suggested he wait until things calm down. Of course our accident happened and he was tragically killed."

"Why am I only finding out about this now?" Dave asked. "When the fighting between Mom and Rich started, I was too young to understand. I knew something was seriously wrong because the yelling would stop as soon as I came into the room. At one point I had even thought I had done something bad and that I was going to be sent away because I only heard snippets of conversations about somebody bad was going away. I thought I was bad because I told Richard having two dads would be fun. I thought Mom had found out and was really mad at me. Richard was the one to tell me that I wasn't in trouble; that Mom didn't know about the two dads comment; that Mike was the one going away and that the arguing was between him and Mom and had nothing to do with me."

"I'm sorry David, we thought you were too young to understand, it never occurred to me or your Mom that not knowing what was going on was just as bad for you. Of course a ten year old would come up with strange scenarios to explain to himself what was going on. I'm so sorry for that." Paul said.

"Okay, but that doesn't explain why I'm only hearing about it now. I was holding on to a lot of guilt and grief that I didn't have to." David groused.

"All I can do is apologise David. I had no idea how much you were suffering or why you were suffering. The reason that I didn't tell you about your brother was I simply wanted to keep the peace. Your mother and I were very close to splitting up because of her bad reaction to Richard's sexuality. If we hadn't had the accident I think Richard and I would have moved out. But the accident did happen and we were all so cut up about Richard's death that your mother and I were able to set our differences aside. Agree to disagree as it were.

"Talk about Richard being gay was a mute point since he was no longer with us. As far as telling you about his sexuality... by the time you were old enough to understand the implications, I thought you were of the same mind as your mother's, that you were intolerant to gay people. You loved your brother so much and idolized him that I could not stand idea that you might think less of him simply because he was gay."

"When Kurt came up with the idea that the two of you should spend more time together so that you two would become friends or at least come to understand each other, I was all for it. I thought this was an excellent opportunity for you to gain some tolerance for people with a different sexual orientation to you. I was going to wait to see if your attitude changed towards gay people. If it was a positive reaction I was going to tell you about your brother. In fact I was going to try to get you alone and tell you this weekend - you just beat me to it."

I decide to cut in at this moment. "Mr. Karofsky, I'm rather concerned for Dave. It sounds like Mrs. Karofsky will react rather negatively to Dave's sexual orientation."

Paul sighs, "I would say that is a bit of an understatement. Burt can I speak to you for a moment in the hall?"

I glance over to Dave when they leave the room. He still looked pale and anxious and he had shrunk himself down in the chair as low as he could go but he had stopped crying. We didn't say anything to each other just patiently waited for my dad and Paul to come back.

"Now David," Paul says as soon as he sits down in his chair again, "Both Burt and I are very concerned about your well being. Do you think you will be able to cope with things? I can get you admitted to a hospital if you feel..." Paul trailed off not being able to finish the sentence, to verbalize what we were all fearing.

"No Dad, I don't need a hospital. I'm okay."

"That's good David. Now you have a couple of choices. You can stay here and come out to your mother with me supporting you as much as I can, or you can go home with Burt and Kurt for the weekend while I break the news to her; I've talked to Burt and he's agreed to put you up for a few days."

Dave was obviously torn and undecided, looking at all of us in turn trying to judge our reactions. He licked his lips and scratched head obviously deliberating. "I just don't know Dad, I'm so tired and confused, I can't think, what do you think I should do?"

"David I want to assure you that I love you. Your sexual orientation does not bother me one bit. I want you to understand that suggesting that you leave here is not because I'm ashamed of you in any way. I'm concerned that you have internalized so much guilt and self-hatred since the accident that you won't be able to withstand your mother's initial negative reaction. So if you feel the same way, then I think you should leave with Kurt and Burt and let me talk to your mother alone."

"I don't want to be a coward. I want to be brave like you." Dave looks at me like a drowning man would look at a person on the shore, silently pleading to throw him a rope.

It squeezes my heart to think Dave is living in such anguish and is so unsure of what to do. I move towards him and crouch down before him taking his hand, "Dave you are brave. The bravest boy I know. But you have been through so much; finally admitting you're gay; coming out to your dad; and discovering a whole new side of your brother you didn't know about. All this happened in a couple of hours. Take some time out and come to terms with all this stuff and regroup. Come home with Dad and me and let us take care of you. Dealing with your mom can wait until you feel strong again."

"Okay, I'll go with you." Dave says in a small voice and I give him a reassuring smile.

"You have made a very wise decision Dave. I'm very proud of you and how you're handling all this. Why don't you and Kurt go upstairs and grab some clean clothes for the weekend."

Dave nods dully and slowly rises out of the chair and trudges to stairs like he is an old man with me following. When we get up to his room I am amazed at how typical it looks for a teenaged boy, yet there were little touches here and there that made it look quite unique. I wish I had time to fully explore the room and ask Dave questions about some of his belongings just so I learn more about him. Unfortunately, we have to leave before Mrs. Karofsky gets back, and judging by how David is just standing in the middle of the room rooted to the spot, he is in no condition to be deciding what he needs for a weekend away.

"Where should I look for a bag David?" I ask hoping to prompt him to move.

"Huh?"

"We need a bag to put your clothes in."

"Oh, um, there should be one in the bottom of my closet."

Closet. I suddenly freeze at the word. It is probably the very closet Paul found him hanging...still may find him hanging? It hits me again how serious my mission to save Dave is. Looking at him now I can see how fragile the situation still is; how close he is to the edge. I shake my head of the morbid thoughts and move with purpose to the closet. I find the bag and start looking through his clothes hanging up in the closet. I was surprised to find some very nice shirts and pants. I pick out a fitted navy blue short sleeve shirt and start to imagine how sexy Dave would look in it. I put it back and chastise myself, Dave needs to dress comfortably so he feels relaxed, not for my benefit. I grab a pair of jeans that are well-worn. They have been recently laundered and are soft, as only old jeans can feel, and put them in the bag.

"David, I'm assuming you have some t-shirts and sweatpants somewhere?" He hadn't moved yet.

"Ugh yeah, in my dresser, bottom drawer."

I find them where he said and grab a couple of each. I then decide to take a chance and look in the top drawer. Sure enough, there are socks and underwear placed neatly side by side and I grab a bunch of them as well.

I realise toiletries will be a problem since there is no en suite and I don't feel like snooping in the bathroom down the hall. I figure that we have enough stuff at home such as new toothbrushes, razors and sample personal products that Dave could use well enough.

Just before we leave the bedroom, I go back in the closet and grab the navy shirt, a pair of very nicely tailored slate grey dress pants and some black leather shoes for the bag. Who knows Dad might take us out to dinner one night; it doesn't hurt to be prepared, I tell myself.

I herd Dave along with his bag downstairs and we're soon ready to leave. Dave's dad hugs his son and tells him again that he loves him very much. Dave looks like he wants to cry again, but manages to stay dry eyed. I suddenly find myself being hugged by Paul and he thanks me for being such a good friend. Now I feel like crying. Paul shakes my dad's hand and thanks him as well.

As we go to leave, Paul stops Dave one more time," David, don't feel like you have to answer the phone if your Mom calls, not until you're ready. I'll call you every day and see how you're doing and you can call me any time you like, okay?

"Yeah Dad." Dave mumbles and we acquit the house.

The drive home was even more and tense than the drive over to Dave's. And this time, there was not even directions needed to cut the silence.

When we finally walk into our familiar, warm home, Carol and Finn are waiting. Carol immediately flies to Dave and envelopes him in a big motherly hug. "Are you hungry sweetheart? Can I make you something to eat?" She asks earnestly as if home cooking is the miracle cure for all ailments.

"Thanks, but I don't feel like eating anything, Mrs. H." Dave mumbles.

"What about a nice mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows?"

Dave actually smiles slightly at this suggestion. "Okay Mrs. H. that sounds good."

Carol just beams. "Wonderful! Two hot chocolates coming up!" She immediately stared for the kitchen. I knew right away she was automatically making one for Finn, not making one for me because she knows better, bravely ignoring my dad's pained face because he isn't allowed one for health reasons and leaving herself out in solidarity with my dad.

"Let me have your bags David, I'll take them to my room. You're bunking with me. Mom will bring our hot chocolates downstairs." Finn says and grabs the bags and heads down the hall. He then turns back to Dave. "Are you coming?"

Dave nods, glances at Dad and me in a silent good night.

I turn to my dad angrily once he is gone. "I see you have already made the sleeping arrangements."

"Yes I did. While you were upstairs in Dave's room, I phoned Carol and explained things." Dad answers.

"You don't trust me to just sleep with him! Do you really think that I am clamouring to jump Dave after all he been through? Thanks for the vote of confidence!"

"No I don't think that. But I do think you are rather naïve if you think that nothing will happen if you two share a bed this weekend. Kurt he'll be looking for comfort and solace and he sees you as his lifeline. You are completely immersed in the drama and romance of this situation and you see yourself as a rescuer. Are you telling me that if he reached for you in the middle of the night you wouldn't respond?"

"Maybe I would. Why shouldn't we. I really care for Dave, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with him. Would the whole world come crashing down because two boys loved each other?" I challenge.

"HIS world might come crashing down. Kurt, he has just come out. His mother's possible negative reaction is a big concern. We have no idea if he wants to come out to anyone else. He is so close to the edge, that adding anymore complications will just stoke up the pressure. If he bunks with Finn, then any temptation is removed. It will be easier on both of you. I know how much you both care for one another and once Dave gets through all this shit in his life I think both of you will have a very rewarding and loving relationship and I'll be the first in line to congratulate you both. I'm just saying, don't rush it."

I wanted to argue but I had to admit he was correct. I wouldn't refuse Dave if he wanted comfort, not just because of my strong feelings for him, but because refusing him might make him feel rejected. Starting a sexual relationship with him while he's still in the closet would be very hard for me and I may end up resenting and him. By having Dave sleep with Finn, my dad made any difficult decision I might have to make a mute point. Still, I found it difficult to swallow my resentment. "Fine!" I managed to spit out, "I'm going to bed."

I lie in bed wide awake, unable to get over the resentment that Dave was sleeping down stairs in the basement with Finn. When I thought about it logically everything my dad said made sense, but emotionally I was annoyed as hell. With all the stuff that went on today, I'm sure Dave is wide awake as well. I toy with the idea of creeping down to the basement to see how he is. It must have been absolute torture for Dave all these years to believe that the wrong son died and that he didn't deserve to live. No wonder he was such a bully to me.

Then he finally admits he is gay only to find out his dead brother was gay as well. Suddenly a cold dreadful realization creeps over me. Paul would have had this exact conversation with David in my old time line. He would have not only told Dave about his brother but he would have tried his best to protect Dave and make him feel loved...and it wasn't enough. I suddenly feel queasy, understanding that Dave is still in grave danger. I try and reassure myself that this time around, Dave also has me and my family in his corner as well as his dad. But is it enough? I will have to tread very carefully and I suddenly appreciate my dad's wisdom. It suddenly feels more daunting.

Can I really turn the universal time tide and save Dave?