(A/N: I feel like I need a warning before this chapter as it was very difficult to write. Violence ahead).

Chapter 9

Loki was right. Sleep did not come to me that night, and surprisingly, it was not because of Emma. Frigga had successfully soothed her by the time I'd returned and she was sleeping soundly in her cradle.

"Thank god she's asleep," I sighed with relief. Frigga looked up from the cradle to me, and in a blink her smile was gone, her eyes widening in horror.

"Your face!" she cried. I turned my head to face the mirror and utilized all my restraint to keep from gawking in horror. The side of my face was completely bruised and swollen from every blow I'd just relived, and seeing myself in that condition again made my stomach churn and my blood freeze. I'd almost forgotten what it was like... all those lonely days in front of mirrors while applying as much makeup as I could to hide it...

"What happened?" Frigga asked in a panic as she got to her feet and ran to me.

"I fell," I answered, wishing I'd known I was going to look like this or else I would have had time to craft a better lie since I already knew she'd never believe the truth. "I'm fine." I could tell in her eyes she didn't believe what I'd said either, but I said nothing.

"That does not look like you've fallen." Her tone was almost scolding, and she placed a hand over my face, a faint green glow emanating from it as I felt a comforting warmth spread through my bruises. "Enough of this," she whispered, still sounding as though she were scolding me, and my eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"You know what's been happening... don't you?" I questioned. She broke her eye contact with me, though whether it was to avoid the question or to watch my bruises heal, I was unsure.

After a very long pause, she pulled her hand from my face and turned me to face the mirror to see how I'd healed. "Anna," she said gently. "I know more than you think. And I know where it all leads, but it's a path you don't have to take..." There was a deep sadness in her gaze and I felt frustrated, wishing she would just tell me what was going on.

"What's happening to me then?" I asked, tears stinging my eyes.

She forced a smile and whispered, "There's no shame in choosing happiness, Anna." With that, she left, and I sighed. At least I knew now where Loki got his love of cryptic statements from.

As I lay in bed, I couldn't sleep or find the ability to relax enough to simply doze. Loki's question was now on my mind and while I tried to convince myself he had simply been manipulating my memories to toy with me, which was not a far-fetched theory by any means, a part of me had somehow cared too much about that question, and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Why had Jane helped me?

I had been so quick to accept that she'd known me in high school, even if it was as nothing more than an acquaintance, and she'd simply come to my aid when she heard-

How did she hear?

I was no one of importance, and neither was my husband. Unless the crash had been something spectacular, there was no reason for the story to have made the news. So how had she known?

I rolled over, my mind returning to the accident, despite my best efforts to keep from thinking about it, and I felt another wave of nausea. The sensation made me wonder why, lately, my memories seemed to make me sick to my stomach?

As I closed my eyes I could still hear the windows shattering and feel the door buckle into me from the impact. My ribs began to throb from the memory and I sat up, massaging them while I turned my eyes to Emma, her peaceful slumber making me feel a little more tranquil.

Loki did not appear that night. Nor the next. Instead I was left to toss and turn, his question (as well as many of my own) refusing to let my mind relax enough to get a decent night's sleep. Very quickly, I could feel it taking its toll, and soon I was stumbling around the palace in a zombie-like state, my nerves completely on edge, and Emma's fussing getting on my nerves more than usual.

By the third night, I had my mind made up that if Loki did not show, I would hunt him down myself. I needed answers and I needed to sleep, and after the vague conversation with Frigga, I had become convinced that he really did have the answers. That something big was going on that had been continuously eluding me and he somehow held the key to understanding what that was. If that required enduring his mind games, then so be it. Anything was better than these sleepless nights.

So when I caught a glimpse of him in the shadows as I rolled over for the third time, rather than surprise or fear, I felt relief. "You," I breathed.

"Hello, Anna."

I sat up and watched as he paced to the bed, sitting at the foot of it. His eyes scanned over my face before he spoke. "You look positively exhausted." I'd expected there to be a cocky grin at the end of that observation, but there was none. Instead he almost looked concerned.

"Just as you planned," I said.

"Then I trust you've had plenty of time to think."

"I have," I answered. "And I have just as many answers as I did last time... only now I have even more questions."

"Good." Now came the grin. "At least you're finally asking questions."

I sighed and leaned back against the headboard, and in a flash he was beside me, hands tucked behind his head as he leaned back as well, watching me from the corner of his eyes.

"I don't suppose you intend to answer any of them for me then?" I asked.

"Only that one," he replied. "And I bet you can guess my answer."

I sighed and looked up to the ceiling. "Then I'm completely lost."

"Perhaps you're not."

"I am," I insisted. "I keep running over the same questions again and again in my head, but nothing makes any sense..." The sudden movement beside me made me jump, part of me expecting him to be upset with my lack of understanding, but instead he was now sitting upright, turned so that his body faced me, and there was a wicked smile spread across his devilish features.

"You've progressed further than you think,"

"But I-" He placed a finger over my lips to silence me.

"Ssh!" he hushed. "Do you hear that?" In the distance I could hear what sounded like multiple bells, but there was a strange familiarity to their ringing. As I listened closer, turning my head towards the window to try to see their source, the scattered ringing soon became more organized in its sound, until it was clearly playing out a tune. I couldn't brush off the feel of nostalgia, but I still couldn't put my finger on what the song was.

I turned to look at Loki, jumping when I found his face was a mere few inches from my own as he opened his mouth, a voice coming out that was definitely not his. "This is what I brought you, this you can keep. This is what I brought, you may forget me..."

"Oh god," I groaned, remembering now exactly the song I was hearing.

"I promise to depart, just promise one thing..."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"...Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep."

The room spun and I was sitting in my old bedroom, cross-legged on the bed while the radio next to me continued to play the song where Loki left off. I was clutching something tightly in my hands, but I was too busy still taking in my surroundings to see what it was.

"Oh come now, Anna," Loki's voice spoke, though once again he was nowhere to be seen. I wondered what he'd show up as this time, if at all. "I thought this song was your favorite?"

"When I was in high school, maybe," I snorted.

"Until something happened that made you hate it. What was that?"

The door to the garage slammed shut and I jumped, looking down now at the item in my hands. A positive pregnancy test.

"Anna, there's still laundry in the washing machine," my husband complained as he stepped into the room. "Were you going to move it to the dryer sometime today, or do you prefer our clothes smelling like mildew?"

"I'll take care of it," I said, slowly getting to my feet, trying to hide how nervous I felt. I remembered how it felt at the time. The news I had to give him could go either way, and I had learned to fear he'd react badly.

"You look as if you're marching to your grave," Loki remarked.

"We'd never even talked about having kids. I honestly didn't think he wanted any," I answered. I handed the test to my husband and waited silently as he looked it over. "That's the third one I've taken," I whispered. "They're all positive."

Waiting for his face to show any reaction of any kind was a slow torture. For the longest time his face remained expressionless, and I internally prepared myself for the worst.

"Have you made an appointment yet?" he asked after a while.

"I'm going in for a pregnancy test tomorrow," I answered.

"That's not what I meant," he replied, his eyes turning up to me. "We can't afford a child right now. You know that." He tossed out the pregnancy test. "When the test at the doctor's turns up positive, make the appointment as soon as possible."

I felt my stomach drop, and the only thing that kept me from crying was the fact that I hadn't shed a tear when it had happened. Instead I looked up at him, already defeated but unable to stop from saying, "What do you mean we can't afford it? You just got promoted! You already make more than enough for us to live on. And you have a medical plan that covers-"

"This is not open for discussion, Anna," he replied calmly.

"Why not? It's my body!"

"IT'S MY HOUSE!" he shouted, making me leap backwards. "As long as you are living in it, you will respect my rules!"

"I'm your wife! Not your child!" I shouted back. He blinked at me in response, then turned to the radio, picking it up.

"Not a child? Not a child?" he shouted. "Instead of taking care of the household chores you sit around all day listening to teenage emo music?"

"I do not sit around all day!" I cried, flushing with embarrassment as he insulted my music.

"Anna, there are dishes in the sink, the laundry still needs to be done, and I can't remember the last time you vacuumed! You can't even take care of my house! How do you expect to take care of a child?!" I grit my teeth but kept my mouth shut, my heart pounding in my chest as rage filled me. "Maybe when you grow up enough to take care of my things, we can discuss having a child. But as for now, there is no way we are keeping that thing, so make the appointment." With that he left and I stood still, my hands clenched into tight fists.

All at once the music playing from the radio became the most irritating sound I could imagine, and with an angry scream, I tore it from the nightstand and threw it to the ground, stomping on it until the music stopped, and I collapsed in sobs.

"You still hate that song even though you still had your daughter?" Loki asked.

"I wasn't pregnant with Emma at the time..." I whispered, feeling utterly broken at the memory.

"...So you made the appointment..." there was almost a sadness in his voice, and I nodded. I'd never forgiven myself for letting my husband make that decision for me. After that day, I'd worked hard to keep his perfect house in perfect order and to be his perfect wife so that I would never ever have to go through that again.

Everything turned black and Loki stepped into view, standing before me and looking down at me as I wept softly, unwilling to stand up.

"Why did you even marry this man?" he asked. I bit my lip and shook my head.

"I loved him," I answered, feeling the utter absurdity of that statement.

"You could not have loved him," Loki replied, crouching down. "A man who went to great lengths to make your life a living hell... A man you grew to fear and cower before. How could you possibly love him?"

I blinked away tears and shook my head. "I honestly don't know," I answered. "It wasn't always like this... not at the beginning... but by the end it was all I knew. As much as I wanted to hate him... I couldn't imagine my life without him." Loki's expression was filled with disappointment, but I couldn't say anything more as I really had no other way of explaining it. While whatever had made me fall in love with my husband was long gone by that point, I couldn't stop loving him, hard as I tried. And the fear of being alone had robbed me of rational thinking. It was a truth I'd come to accept over time.

"So what's next?" I asked after a while. "What painful memory do you have for me next?"

"That's really all you have isn't it," he remarked. "Painful memory after painful memory."

I shook my head, thinking back on when I held Emma in my arms for the first time. "No," I answered. "Not all of them were painful."

Emma's nursery formed around us, and I was standing over the changing table, bent over Emma while fastening a clean diaper into place. Her chubby little baby legs kicked around wildly, and as I smiled down at her, she opened her mouth in a large toothless grin and let out a giggle.

"There was the first time she giggled," I commented, unable to keep from smiling. The room changed and I was sitting on the floor in the living room, Emma laying on a blanket and looking up at me, cooing away while I mimicked every sound she made, much to her amusement. "Our first conversation," I chuckled to Loki.

Again, we were back in the nursery and I was bent over the crib, laughing as I watched Emma stare at her hands with large eyes, slowly curling and uncurling her fingers. "The first time she discovered she had hands."

"Adorable," he muttered seeming bored, but I shrugged it off.

"It didn't matter how hurt my husband made me feel in the beginning," I said, still watching Emma with a smile. "Emma seemed to know how to make me feel better from the moment she arrived and she wasn't even trying. I'd go through it again just to have her."

"All of it?" he asked. I turned to look at him and there was a solemn expression on his face that made me uneasy. Everything around us faded to grey, soon I was in the bedroom again, this time folding laundry. I looked around, trying to figure out which memory he'd brought me into this time, all the while feeling nausea begin to creep in, a sensation I was becoming used to by now, but along with it came something else... dread.

"What memory is this?" I asked.

"It's not my memory," Loki answered and I sighed, feeling my anxiety grow while I waited for another hint.

When Emma began to cry from her room, I knew instantly what memory we were in and I began to panic. "Loki, no! Not this one!"

I could hear the sounds of heavy footfalls on the stairs and as much as I wanted to drop what I was doing and run to Emma, I remained glued to where I was, viciously forced to relive the events exactly as they had happened, all the while wishing now more than ever I could change them as I knew now what was coming. "Loki!" I cried. "Please! Not this one!"

"Are you just going to let her scream all day?" my husband's voice roared. I looked up from the laundry.

"I've got it," I called, getting to my feet. Inside I was furiously trying to force myself to move faster, wishing I hadn't moved at such a casual pace at the time. As I rounded the corner and began to step through the doorway, I saw my husband moving towards the crib, his enraged manner making me instantly fearful. "Honey, it's okay! I've got her!" I called, moving to run in.

He had her in his hands, aggressively pulling her from the crib before I could stop him. "Stop crying!" he shouted. Emma wailed, her little feet curling underneath her and her lower lip shaking.

"Please, just give her to me!" I shouted at him, grabbing on to his arm. I watched his fingers dig into her tiny body and he shook her furiously.

"Stop it! Goddamn it! Stop screaming!" he continued to shout.

"Don't shake her!" I screamed, tugging him by the arm. His elbow snapped backwards, hitting me in the gut and causing me to fall backwards. He practically threw her back down in her crib and brought his hand up.

"I said STOP!" he growled, and with a loud crack he brought his hand down, Emma's screams changing from ones for attention to screams of pain.

My stomach churned and I felt my insides cramp up. Twisting on to all fours quickly, I lunged myself at him, knocking him to the ground, causing him to smack his head into the night stand on his way down. In the pause it took for him to collect himself enough to begin to get to his feet, I was already on mine, picking Emma up from the crib and running for the bathroom, slamming the door shut and locking it.

I sank to the floor, leaning my back against the door as I soon felt my husband's fists bang against it and I looked down at Emma in my arms, who was still screaming frantically, her arms reaching upwards and shaking. The right side of her face was red, but despite how loud the slap had sounded, it didn't look as though it would leave a mark once the red faded.

"Emma, I'm so sorry!" I sobbed, holding her against my chest, trying to ignore the sounds of angry shouting from the other side of the door. I rocked her back and forth, kissing her face again and again, unable to hold her close enough, and eventually I heard my husband begin to let up as he stormed off to calm down.

Emma's screams eventually faded into whimpering and I cradled her closer, kissing her forehead as I rocked her, my tears falling on her face. "It's okay, baby," I whispered. "Mommy's got you. Mommy's got you."

The memory faded and we were back in my chambers in Asgard, sitting on the bed. "Emma!" I wailed, crumbling forwards, and Loki caught me, his arms holding me in a tight embrace as I sobbed.

"Hush..." he whispered soothingly, one hand cradling the back of my head and the other rubbing my back.

"You bastard! You fucking bastard!" I sobbed into his chest, and I felt him exhale slowly as he held me even tighter. "Is that why you're doing this?" I asked finally, looking up at him. "You're punishing me for what he did to her? Do you honestly think I've ever forgiven myself for not getting to her first? For letting that monster touch her?"

"Calm down, Anna," he whispered.

"I hate myself! I hate myself for what I let him do to her!" His hands went to my shoulders and he pushed me back, forcing me to look into his eyes.

"Then you knew what he was going to do the moment he set foot on those stairs," he said in a way that made me think he was accusing me.

"No," I sniffled, brushing tears away. "I didn't realize he meant to hurt her until it was too late and I couldn't save her."

"...then how is it your fault?" he asked.

"Because I stayed..." I whispered. "I stayed with him for all that time, through all the abuse, and I was stupid enough to think he would leave our daughter alone..."

"How did he behave prior to that day?"

I sat silently and thought for a moment. "That was the first time he became violent after I found out I was pregnant with Emma," I answered. Loki said nothing but watched me thoughtfully as I sniffled and hugged myself. "He was actually very caring during the pregnancy. I mean we argued occasionally... but it was the first time I felt like I was in a normal marriage." I wiped my eyes.

I looked towards the mirror, and the reflection changed, portraying an image of my husband sitting on the sofa with Emma in his lap while he read aloud from a picture book.

"After she was born and he still kept his temper under control, I thought Emma had been the key to healing our relationship. I thought the worst was finally over and that she had been what he needed to get himself together..."

The image faded and I stared at my tired reflection.

"And after nine months of seemingly changed behavior... who could blame you?" I shook my head.

"I shouldn't have bought it," I sighed, looking down on the bed. "I should have left the moment I found out I was pregnant."

"You wanted to believe the man you loved had overcome his abusive nature and was finally becoming the loving husband and caring father you wanted him to be," Loki whispered, curling a finger under my chin, tilting my head so I met his gaze. "Where is the crime in that?" I couldn't answer him and he gently brushed my tears away with his hands.

"Why are you being so understanding all of the sudden?" I asked. "You were so hostile the first night you visited me, but now you're almost being nice."

"I think we both know it's what you need right now," he whispered with a half smile. "Though if you wish I can become mean."

"Don't," I said, smiling sadly. "I need nice right now."

"Then I think I can accommodate that," he whispered, moving to lay next to me. I laid myself down beside him and he pulled me into his arms, allowing me to rest my head on his chest while he pulled the blankets up and over us.

"So... are you trying to tell me with all of this that it's not my fault? That I need to stop blaming myself for what my husband did?" I asked after a moment. He breathed deeply and kissed my forehead.

"Get some sleep, Anna," he whispered. My eyelids fell shut, either by his magic or my own exhaustion.