Chapter 12

Loki stood in the shadows, watching me with a grave expression on his face, and I sat shaking on the bed, beads of sweat rolling down my face. "Where were you?!" I shouted a second time. "Why did you let me fall asleep?" He didn't answer, and I climbed out of bed, making my way towards him. "What's going on? Why am I having nightmares about a hospital?" He looked away from me, his eyes moving to the floor and I felt my rage boil over. "Tell me!" I screamed.

"You were not dreaming, Anna..." he said softly. I stood silent for several long moments, and in a painfully slow manner, he brought his eyes back up to meet mine. "You were awake."

"What?" I cried. "No, I'm awake now!"

"No... you're not," he answered. "The truth is, you've not been awake for a long time."

I blinked.

"Wh- what?" My body was shaking, a film of tears covered my eyes, and I felt sick to my stomach. The image of the hospital was still burned in my brain, and I was expected to accept that all this time, that had been my reality? All the while I'd thought I'd been in Asgard, safe from my husband, safe with my daughter, but the reality had been something else?

I felt as though I might faint, my heart pounding in my chest, my breathing growing into heavy panting, and all at once it felt as though the walls were closing in on me. Loki sighed, looking at me with nothing but sorrow in his eyes as he watched me struggle to come to grips with what I'd just been told.

"This can't be happening..." I whispered, shaking my head wildly. "No... No this can't be happening!" My legs gave way, and Loki grabbed hold of my arms, kneeling down slowly with me as I buckled to the ground, hyperventilating and shaking furiously.

"Breathe!" he whispered, taking my face in his hands. "Anna, breathe!"

"Why is this happening to me?" I bawled loudly, my breathing growing ragged. Loki forced me to look him in the eyes, and he held me with a firm but gentle grip.

"Anna, you must listen to me! Everything that's happened to you since you've arrived, everything you've ignored, every question you've left unanswered, all of it has happened for a reason." He paused, taking in a slow breath as if every moment of this was painful for him, and he took my hands. "All that remains now... is the truth. And that's what I'm here to give to you, if you're ready for it."

"I... I..." My head dropped towards the floor. I couldn't formulate words as my anxiety grew unbearable, and he reached out a hand to touch my face. "All of this..." I finally managed. "Everything was a lie?"

"Anna..."

"How?!" I cried. "How did this happen?!"

"Anna, I swear to you, I will give you your answers," he said as he brushed my tears away. "But before I do, there's something you must understand." He curled a finger under my chin and turning my head upwards to face him. "Once everything unfolds, you will have to make a decision. And it may be the hardest decision of your life, but you will have to make it. I need you to understand, Anna, that once we go down this road in your memory... there will be no going back."

"You're not real," my voice broke as tears fell down my face.

He leaned closer, his breath brushing over my skin. "I'm as real as you make me," he whispered. "Come, and I shall give you your answers."

I closed my eyes as two more tears escaped, and I nodded. When I opened them, I was in my house, and Loki pulled me to my feet. From where we stood, I could see a faint light coming from the living room.

"There's a reason you grow sick every time you've tried to focus on your memories," he began, leading me towards the living room. We stopped once we had actually entered the living room, and I saw both myself and my husband sitting on the couch, The Avengers playing on the TV. "Do you remember this?" Loki asked, looking to me.

I nodded slowly, feeling like a fog was beginning to lift. "I didn't even want to see that stupid movie," I said, my voice still shaky from sobbing. "But my husband was insistent." Now that I was remembering, I couldn't stop wondering how I'd forgotten this? How had I come to forget what was real and what was simply the contents of a movie?

"Something changed for you, that night. Do you remember?"

"Yeah," I said with a nod as a single tear rolled down my face. "That was the first time I saw you." The scene from Germany was playing and I sighed. "You made the idea of subjugation sound so enticing. You made me wonder if I stayed because this was really the life I wanted. That maybe there was something that attracted me to it." Loki listened to me ramble silently, and I smiled sadly. "But the more I thought about it, the more I kept imagining..." my voice trailed off and I choked, looking down, ashamed of myself.

"Imagining what?"

"...what it would be like to be ruled by you, instead of my husband." I looked up at the TV again and smirked. "You know... it's funny that you filled yourself in my husband's place, the first time we did this... because when the movie ended and my husband took me to bed... as far as I was concerned, I was not having sex with him that night."

Though I didn't look at him, I knew Loki was grinning smugly. "I'm flattered," he replied coolly. The scenery changed and I saw myself sitting alone in front of a computer, browsing through videos, photos, articles, all of which only having to do with one thing and one thing only: Loki.

"When you were young, you escaped into your imagination regularly when life became too dull or frightening."

"I also kept imaginary friends a lot longer than I'd like to admit," I added. "I just hated being alone."

"And when you became trapped in an abusive relationship, you probably never felt more alone in your life. Your imagination was the only comfort you had. And in the dark of your loneliness, your obsession grew."

I shook my head. How many hours had I wasted in front of a computer, staring at a fictitious character? Significantly less, once Emma was born. But even then I was eager for any time I had myself to just look at pictures of him, read stories of him, watch videos of him... even daydream of him.

How many times had I screamed his name out while masturbating?

"Your obsession consumed you," Loki continued. "So in a way, it was only natural that when your mind finally decided to retreat fully from reality, it chose to retreat to where it had learned to feel safe."

"So... everything... Asgard, Thor, your mother... that was all me? I created that fantasy all in my mind?" Loki nodded. "But... then if it was my fantasy... why were you so persistent with dragging back painful memories no matter how many times I tried to stop you?"

"Because, while your mind was creating a reality it felt safe in, it could not ignore the truth it was trying to hide you from." We were in Asgard again and standing before me was Thor and Frigga, both of them staring vacantly at nothing. "Thor and Frigga were your mind trying to fight back reality by making you feel safe and welcome, even bidding you to send me away so that you might never know the truth."

"There is no shame in choosing happiness," Frigga said, still looking at nothing.

And in the same manner, Thor spoke as well. "I know you're happy here, Anna. But if you continue to entertain his effect on you, he will end that happiness."

I shuddered, shaking my head. "This still doesn't make sense. Why?" I asked. "I've been living in Hell for so long, why would my mind retreat like this when I'm already used to so much?" Loki didn't answer and a new question came to my mind, though I dreaded to ask it. "Loki... what happened in that accident?"

By the way his lips pursed, I could tell he was clenching his jaw, and I began to fear what he was going to show me.

"The truth," he whispered at last. "I cannot be with you for this, Anna," he added, taking my hands in his. "You will have to face this alone. And then you will have to make a decision." I opened my mouth to ask, but his lips came down on mine before I could utter a word. Even in the heat of rage and confusion, I could still feel some warmth from his touch, and I did not push him away. After a moment, he parted to whisper, "I would have you with me, always," and I watched as he stepped back. In the blast of a horn and a flash of headlights, a car barreled right through him, smashing into me.

My head was resting against a steering wheel, my body hanging to the side slightly, having been thrown by the impact, and the smell of burnt rubber hit my nose, my head pounding. Blood trickled down the side of my face, and I attempted to sit upright, a sharp pain in my ribs stopping me from moving very far.

I could hear the door of the car that struck me open and slam shut, the driver stumbling towards me in a panic, his voice being one I did not recognize. "Are you all right in there?!" he shouted.

Something was wrong, but my mind was still barely forming coherent thoughts. All I knew was, aside from the hissing sound of my engine, the quiet was bothering me.

"I'm stuck!" I began to shout, the pain in my ribs causing it to come out instead as a pathetic squeal. The silence that followed the end of my words was beginning to drive me mad, and very slowly things began to grow less foggy.

"I'm calling for help!" the man shouted. "Just hang on!" I heard him fumbling for his phone, and I let my head hit the steering wheel again, coughing as the pain overwhelmed me.

And again it was quiet...

And that's when I realized Emma wasn't crying.

"Emma?" I gasped, my eyes snapping open. I could still feel her body locked within my arm which was sandwiched between my torso and the steering wheel. "Emma!" I cried. Closing my eyes and gritting my teeth, I threw my left arm over the steering column and pulled myself upwards, flopping backwards into the seat with a pained cry. I looked down, but it was so dark I could barely see her. "Emma!" I screamed, jostling her slightly with my arm. "Emma wake up!" I shrieked as tears fell down my face. "God please! No! Emma!"

I closed my eyes, letting out a blood curdling scream until there was no air left in my lungs, and everything grew dark.

"Anna... Anna can you hear me?"

The darkness faded, and I was sitting in a hospital bed, my face still wet with tears, and I became aware of the hand on my leg. I very slowly turned my head to the doctor, and choked back a sob.

"Anna?" he asked, as I made eye contact, and all I could do was offer a slight nod. "You were screaming in your sleep," he said, removing his hand from my leg.

"Emma died..." I whispered, my throat feeling completely hoarse and dry. "In the car... when we were hit... she was killed..." There was a long pause before the doctor nodded.

"You remember," he said softly. Tears flooded my eyes and I let out a wail, burying my forehead in my hands.

"Oh god!" I cried, and he placed his hand on my back, rubbing it while I shook. "No... no... Not Emma... God, no... Not Emma!" I thought of how it had only been an hour ago that I'd been holding her in my arms in Asgard, rocking her to sleep. I thought of her big toothless smile she always gave me. I thought of all the times we cooed back and forth at each other.

I thought of how I would never experience any of that again and my heart shattered.

"Did she suffer?" I asked, unable to bring my voice higher than a whisper, and the doctor shook his head.

"Her neck broke on impact. It was instant," he replied, still rubbing my back.

I remembered sitting in the car, waiting to be cut free, weeping as I held her lifeless body. How long had I been forced to sit there and wait while clutching my dead child? An hour? More?

"It's my fault!" I wept. "I was trying protect her and I... Oh Emma!" I ran my fingers up into my hair, digging my nails into my scalp and the doctor waited patiently while my emotions overtook me.

There were not enough tears. I couldn't cry loud enough. I felt this overwhelming sorrow burning me from the inside, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to release even an ounce of it. If anything, it only grew worse with each passing moment.

"I know you're in pain," the doctor said after a while. "But the fact that you're able to acknowledge what happened... the fact that you're even acting conscious right now... means that you're finally coming out of it."

"I don't want to be here..." I wept. "I want to go back. I want my daughter back!"

"But you know that's not possible," he said, and I nodded, completely broken.

"It was all just a dream..." I whispered, still shaking. "None of it was real."

"Exactly, Anna."

"But it was so much better there..." I felt another wave of sorrow wash over me and I was blinded by tears once again. "She was there... we were safe... we were happy... Was that so wrong?"

"Anna, I know it seems that the best thing, the easiest thing right now would be to escape back into your imagination and get away from all of this. I know you think it'd make you happy again..." he removed his hand from my back and sat back with a frown. "But in the end, it wouldn't be real. Your mind would be in its own world, but your body would still be here, lingering in a catatonic state, like it has been since the accident. And what's more, you know now that it isn't real."

I drew my legs up and buried my face in my knees, exhaling slowly while I hugged my legs tightly.

"And in knowing that... you must understand now why there is no going back, Anna. Your only choice left is to face the truth. Wouldn't you agree?" I didn't answer him. He looked at his watch and sighed. "I'm going to bring you a sedative to help you sleep, and we'll talk more about this in the morning. All right?"

I nodded and waited for him to return with a syringe. Once it was done, I lay back, my pain slowly dulling away until sleep crawled over me, tears still falling down my cheeks as I drifted off.