Chapter 5 - Penny's Story: "Take this sinking boat, and point it home"

"Penny..."

"I'm sorry." Her voice shook.

"Come here," Leonard stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her in a protective embrace.

"I am so, so sorry," Penny whispered, leaning her forehead into his shoulder, her arms wrapping around his back, clinging to him tightly. "Leonard, I am so sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry, Penny." Leonard assured her, softly but firmly. "It was my fault."

"No," Penny shook her head against him, "you did what was right, I should have... I should have dealt with it better. I shouldn't have been so selfish."

"You were not being selfish. I understand, Penny... I didn't think of how difficult it was for you."

Lifting her head off his shoulder, Penny looked up at Leonard with glassy eyes, and shook her head again. "You don't understand."

"I... Sheldon told me."

"Oh."

Silence fell between them, until Leonard eventually led them over to sit down on the edge of the bed. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he clasped his hands, while Penny folded her legs beneath her. A sudden dread filled him, that what she was going to tell him was a lot worse than he had been told by his friends.

"Leonard?"

"Yeah?"

"What did Sheldon tell you?"

Leonard turned to look at her. "After... you and I hadn't spoken for over a week. He told me that you'd told Amy that we were no longer together, and Amy had gotten you an appointment with a therapist because you wouldn't really talk to anybody. Then a few weeks later he told me that you were depressed but that's all anybody knew, which was still more than me. After that he said you quit your job and were leaving."

Penny offered him a sad smile. "That's the gist of it."

"How come you never told me?"

"Because I didn't want you to worry. And I didn't want to look... weak."

"Being depressed doesn't mean you're weak."

"I know, but... I always thought I was this strong, positive person who could take whatever they got. That I was in control of myself and my emotions. I was scared to tell you that I love you but... God, this was worse, this was so much worse." Penny got off the bed, beginning a slow pace around the room. "Those first four months without you were difficult, Leonard. If I wasn't working or at school, I was just moping around doing nothing, but what kept me going was that at the end of it, you were coming home. The only damn thing I had to keep me going for those four months was you. So when you told me that Stephen Hawking had asked you back on a second expedition to re-run and confirm the experiments a week after you were due to finish that one, I..."

"You weren't happy about that."

"No, I was happy, I was so happy for you. But, God, I was so angry! After the initial pain of realizing maybe I wouldn't be seeing you for another three months after that, I was angry. Mostly at myself for getting this upset and hopeless without you around. But also at the people who decided to take you away from me. And at you, for being so damn good at what you do, and accepting that stupid contract. And then at myself again, because above all of that I wanted you to do this because you deserved it, you are amazing and there was no way you could decline this offer, and yet I still wanted you to myself."

"That was... that was a difficult decision to make. It truly tore me apart." Leonard said through the lump in his throat.

Stopping, she turned towards him. "I know. I could tell. But I encouraged you to do it. And you did. I was so proud of you, Leonard. For a few days I just kept telling everyone that Stephen Hawking personally asked for you. But then your boat came in, and you had a tight turn-around schedule, and moved locations, and before I knew it you were back at sea."

"It was around then that Sheldon told me he thought you were beginning to act different."

"I guess I was. I felt like the worst girlfriend, because no matter how happy I was for you and how proud I was, I was still angry, and upset, and confused."

"You were allowed to feel confused, and upset, and angry. And you never showed it."

Her eyes met his, staying there for a moment, before they began to fill with tears and her bottom lip trembled. "I just wanted you to be happy. I could pretend being happy for you. That is was what was important to me."

Heart breaking into a million pieces, Leonard stood instantly from the bed and wrapped his arms around her again. "If you had said you didn't want me to go, you know I would have torn up that contract in an instant, right?"

"But I wanted you to be happy." Penny mumbled.

"You should know I would always put your happiness above anything else."

"I know it never seemed like it, but I have issues with accepting things like that... that I was the most important thing in someone's life. That I matter that much to them."

"Well, you were. You are. You always will be."

She tilted her head and looked up at him. "That's the problem, isn't it? The problem with love. All you want is for the other person to be happy, so much so that you let yourself get hurt in the process."

"I guess it is." Leonard agreed sadly.

"And that's exactly what I did." Pulling away from him again, Penny sat back down on the bed, staring at the floor. "And I'm sorry." She dropped her head, burying it in her hands as she felt the tears intensify. "I'm so, so sorry, Leonard." Her voice was barely a whisper now.

He was back by her side in an instant, sitting beside her with an arm wrapped around her. "Penny, please, please don't be sorry."

"But I did this." Sniffling slightly, she lifted her head to look at him, trying to compose herself. "This is where I owe you an explanation, Leonard."

"You don't owe me an explanation-"

"No, please, I do." Penny held a hand up to stop him from talking, taking a steady breath. "About halfway through that second trip, I thought... I can't do this. I'm not happy. I'm not strong enough to do this. But I don't want to get in the way of your career. And I don't know how much more of this I can physically and mentally take. The problem was that I couldn't tell you this; I could hardly admit those things to myself but I knew they were true. So I... I just told you that I couldn't do this anymore, that right now it was better for us to be apart."

The moment came flooding back to him; her tear-stained eyes, her figure slumped in the bed, the way she quickly closed the laptop once she'd told him.

"It was... it was horrible. Eventually I told the girls that we were taking time apart, and Amy said that was it, and made me an appointment with this therapist. I hated the idea of it but I went anyway. She was great. Her husband travelled a lot for work so she got where I was coming from, and she never judged me the way I judged myself. And I'm not going to tell you everything that happened, or a lot of what was said... I hope that's okay with you." Her eyes begged his for approval.

"Of course. You don't have to tell me anything."

Eyes glassy, she slowly took his hands in hers. "I'm sorry, Leonard. I never, ever wanted to break up with you, but I thought that was the only way I could cope. That way, you could still be happy, and still have your career. But I was selfish, because I did what was easiest for me. And I am so, so incredibly sorry."

"Don't be sorry." Leonard said softly, holding her gaze.

"I used to laugh when people said they were depressed from a break-up, or from missing somebody... then karma came and bit me in the ass." Penny gave a small laugh, lifting their hands so she could dab her eyes with the inside of her elbow. "I never knew it was so easy to get to that stage. I denied it for so long. She told me sometimes there's no cause. But I had a trigger, you being away was… you went away, years ago, to the North Pole, and that was tough for me. The first sea trip was a lot worse. Everything after that was…"

"A trigger. I'm sorry that you did, Penny. I wish you hadn't. I wish I'd seen how upset you really were and... and just come back. I am truly, deeply sorry."

"Don't be. You shouldn't be. Just because you were involved in it, doesn't mean you should apologize. You deserved entirely getting to be invited back by Stephen Hawking and despite what happened, I will always be happy that you did go back, because by the looks of it, it's been... it was the right choice."

"The career side of it was... great. Amazing. I mean, since I was kid, it was all I've ever wanted. But every single day, I wondered if I had made the right choice. And after... I spent a long time regretting my decision. I hated myself because I chose my career over you."

"You did not -"

"I did. Unintentionally. I wished I hadn't. But after that, work was the only thing I had, and the only thing that could keep me distracted, and eventually I just let myself accept that my career was everything that I had. Nothing was ever the same after that but I learned that sometimes that's just the way things turn out. And now I really wish I had taken that extra moment to talk to you, tried harder to see how this was really affecting you. I wish somebody had told me how bad it was."

"You did. You were wonderful. But you know how good I am at hiding my emotions. That got easier with time, and then eventually I couldn't do it anymore."

"Still. I wish I had taken those few extra seconds to just sit and talk to you and promise that after this trip I would come back no matter what. I wish I had said that."

"All I would have done was tell you there was no way you could stop your work just for me when you were doing so well. And you know that. So don't beat yourself up about it. Because I swear to God, if you do, if you so much as think about blaming this on yourself I will physically beat you up."

"I wish I knew how bad it had gotten for you, Penny. Nobody told me. If I'd known I would have been there in an instant. I should have-"

"Leonard!"

"But I should have-"

"Leonard." Penny put a finger to his lips, her face serious. "If you feel bad, it's just going to make me feel worse." She raised her brows at him, knowing that what she had told him was, while a harsh truth, the only way to stop him from blaming himself like she knew he would. After a moment, she relaxed slightly, and a small smile formed on her face. "My therapist was right. She said that if I ever spoke to you or saw you again, telling you all of this would be easy. She told me that, based on what I had said about you, you understood me and even though it was difficult, you accepted me."

"Well, she was right about that." Leonard assured her.

"Good." Penny squeezed his hands gently. "Thank you." Pursing her lips together, she looked down at their joined hands. "I know what I just told you is... a lot to take in. But I've done my best to accept it, and... and it would help me, a lot, if you could - at least try - to do that too."

"Of course, Penny." He knew that, within his promise, was a promise to not question her beyond her boundaries - it was her issue, and something that was personal and sensitive to her. Something that he wholly respected.

After a moment, Penny looked up at him again. "So now you know my story, how about we go take a look at this lunch menu you were telling me about? I could do with the distraction."

"That sounds good to me."

Getting up, he helped her up from the bed. For a moment, they simply stood there, looking at each other. Penny tried to convey how grateful she was through her smile; for him, for listening to her, for not questioning her, for accepting that despite her strong appearance she had many weaknesses that she couldn't accept herself. For allowing her to feel this way. For being back in her life.