"Come on Cas! We're going to be late" Cas heard Dean shout at him from somewhere near the front of the house. He had been getting ready to go to the doctors for over an hour now. Considering that he was in no hurry it did not bother him in the slightest that they might be late. He could not understand Dean's persistent desire to be on time for every single one of his doctors appointments. He had practically given up hunting to ensure that Cas followed each and every medication given to him. Instead of driving around the United States he was driving Cas to and from various doctor's offices. Since Cas had not learned how to drive yet there was no way he could protest this extreme misuse of time. Cas was beginning to feel as though these doctor's visits were pointless. They always followed the same procedure. Cas would sit quietly on the designated table and Dean would answer all of the doctor's questions for him. Some new and exciting medication would be prescribed to him and then they would leave for the pharmacy. It was boring and none of the medications were making Cas feel any better. At the hospital they had informed him that he had some sort of tumor pressing on an area of his brain. The details, no matter how many times he asked Dean for them, did not stay in his memory. The memory loss was a side effect apparently. Cas hated it. When he was an angel he could have recalled the various pieces of the human brain with relative ease but now he was having trouble remembering anything past 'tumor'. Cas let out a small sigh and flipped the light switch in the bedroom before walking down the hall to find Dean.
"Ready?" Dean asked him as soon as he was in eyesight.
"No." Cas answered surly.
"Great" Dean clapped his hands together "Let's go then" Overall Dean's solution to Cas' increasingly foul mood was to ignore it altogether. He wasn't forcing Cas to be positive which Cas appreciated but he was being determinedly positive about the whole situation. Cas knew he should not be irritated about how Dean was handling him being ill but he could not help it. It seemed to Cas that Dean was in denial about the terribleness of the situation. If Cas was being honest with himself he was jealous. More than anything he wanted to be able to lie to himself and the world and think that he was bound to get better. That all of these doctors visits were actually improving his chances but he had been alive for far too long to embrace these ideas wholeheartedly.
Halfway through the drive Cas became dizzy. He looked over to watch Dean sing along to some song from an era he had no way of remembering. Watching Dean drive and sing reminded him of all the times he had chose to travel with the Winchesters on a hunt. It had only happened a handful of times. He would always consider driving a slow form of travel. Every time it had happened though Dean had teased him relentlessly.
"Not fast enough your highness?" Dean would ask. Cas would sigh dramatically and look extremely put out in response, a trick he learned made Dean smile. He would look out the window and pretend to be bored but when he was sure Dean was focused on the road he would slyly look at the small lines that formed around his mouth. The small smile gave him a strange sensation. He would usually stretch out in the back seat and try to analyze why being around this particular human felt so exhilarating. Why pleasing Dean made him feel anything at all. Unwilling to fully comprehend the true reasoning behind his emotions Cas chalked it up to humanity leaving a mark on him. Unlike some of the other angels though Cas did not mind. He was curious more than anything. After being alive for so long it was pleasant to experience anything new.
Despite his attempts at distraction through memory the dizziness was not receding. He leaned his head on the side of the window and silently wished that Dean would purchase a car with seats that laid back. Cas lost track of time listening to Dean sing quietly. The road was smooth under the tires and it was almost a relaxing experience. Or it would have been if Cas could forget that they were on their way to yet another doctor.
Twenty minutes later they were settling down in uncomfortable leather chairs after checking in at the front desk. Dean had used some fake insurance cards because normal forms of employment was unthinkable. It was part of the reason they had to see so many different doctors. Health insurance fraud while living in one location was far more difficult and dangerous. Impersonating federal agents was no problem but acquiring the funds for all of the medication he had to be on was proving much more difficult.
Cas pulled the oversized jacket he was wearing closer to him. Body temperature fluctuations were still noticeable and bothersome. He could move past the fact that he had to eat multiple times a day, and shower, and use the bathroom but the discomfort he felt when it became too hot or cold was annoyingly prominent. Cas was staring around the room curiously. He saw Dean lean forward from his left and pluck a magazine off the table in front of them. He leaned his head back and looked at the ceiling. Maybe this trip would be quick he thought to himself.
"Well uh that wasn't good news" Dean said awkwardly attempting to break the silence that had descended upon them since leaving the doctor's office. Cas took a deep breath and looked up at the roof of the impala. He could feel pressure building behind his eyes. He could not carry the conversation, though he could feel Dean looking at him expectantly. He knew that if he tried to speak he would break and he was determined not to. He was terrified and angry. He could hear the doctor's words replaying in his head.
"Aggressive tumor..."
"...months to live..."
"Nothing else we can do..."
"Sorry."
Another deep breath later and he managed to get himself in control. He looked over at Dean and smiled.
"No I believe that is the very definition of bad news but I am new to this being human thing" Cas said casually. Dean stared at him as though he was attempting to figure out how Cas was really feeling about the whole thing. Of course, Dean must have know that Cas was scared but he had already decided that he was going be courageous. Similar to all of the other times in his life his courage was directly influenced by Dean.
"Don't worry Cas, we will get a second opinion. I am sure someone can do something" Dean assured
But they couldn't. After three different doctors told them the same thing Dean had to accept the truth. Or at least Cas thought he would.
"We are going to solve this" Dean exclaimed angrily. He slammed the book he was staring at shut.
"But Dean the doctors all said the same thing" Cas explained for the third time. They were sitting in the library. They had come back from the last doctor's office over three hours ago and Dean had been locked away in the library the entire time. Cas had only walked down to make sure Dean was still alive but wound up in an argument with a very frazzled looking Dean.
"I know what they said Cas but they don't live in the same world as you and I" Dean answered pulling his fingers through his hair.
"Dean..." Cas placated softly "It's okay"
"No. You used to be an angel. I kill supernatural things. I will find something to make you better" Dean said stubbornly.
"And what if there is nothing to be found?" Cas asked. He did not want to fight with Dean but he also did not want him to waste away in the library searching for a cure that was unlikely to be found.
"That's not possible. There is something. I will find it" Dean answered with a note of finality. Cas watched as Dean stood up and pulled another book off the shelf. Sighing to himself, Cas turned around and walked out of the library. If Dean was going to stubbornly refuse the very real possibility that there was no cure then he could at least do it with a full stomach. Cas made his way to the kitchen and thought about why Dean was so determined to heal him. A feeling of guilt wormed its way into his stomach. He could not just abandon Dean. His body was failing him but Dean needed him. How could he put Dean through all of this misery when he had lost so much already? Cas began opening cabinets in the kitchen furiously.
"Are you making a hate sandwich?" Sam asked him from his position at the table. Cas had been concentrating on his self loathing so intensely he had not noticed Sam was in the kitchen.
"No." Cas answered trying to keep the frustration out of his voice but failing.
"Good. Because you know those are never as delicious as they seem" Sam joked
Cas grimaced and nodded slightly.
"Alright. Do you want to talk about it?" Sam asked when Cas did not continue the conversation. Cas did not answer but instead slathered mustard on the bread that he laid on the plate in front of him. He did not want to talk about it but felt as though he was a bit too similar to Dean if he continued his silence.
"I am just worried and ashamed" Cas answered vaguely.
"Ashamed of what?" Sam asked him seriously. Cas contemplated the question for a moment. It seemed silly now that he was talking about it that he should feel shame for something he had little control over. He could not help this feeling though. He knew he was letting Dean down, that he was disappointing him by being sick.
"This...weakness" Cas answered. He focused once more on the half made sandwich in front of him.
"Cas...that is ridiculous." Sam said bluntly
"Is it? No matter how hard I try I can never stay." Cas responded evenly. It was true. He was a human and no longer had the responsibilities of an angel but still he could not stay for Dean. He was going to die and leave Dean alone again. He felt a hard lump at the back of his throat at the thought. He could feel Sam staring at him again but he did not look up.
"We are going to find something. There is a cure out there. You're going to be fine." Sam said attempting to comfort Cas. It did not work. Cas stared at the sandwich. He tried to look up and put on a brave face so that Sam felt better but he could not make himself do it.
"Seriously. Dean isn't going to give up until he cures you" Sam continued his pep talk. Cas let out a large sigh and turned to face Sam.
"And what if he can't Sam? What if there is nothing to be found?"
"Then you'll die and we will worry about it then" Sam joked. Cas rolled his eyes but felt marginally better. He picked the plate off the counter and turned to leave the room. He paused at the door to thank Sam and then left.
Back in the library Cas did not say anything. He slid the sandwich in front of Dean quietly. He then grabbed a book off the shelf and plopped himself into a chair at the table. Dean watched Cas the entire time. He muttered a small thanks at the food that was presented for him and then dropped his eyes back to his book once Cas had sat down. They read in silence. The only noise that could be heard were the infrequent page turnings.
After an hour Cas was bored. His mind began to wander. It was a miracle that Dean could ever focus long enough to discover the weakness of whatever he happened to be hunting. Cas usually had no trouble concentrating on a book for a long period of time but these books were extremely tedious. It would probably be fairly easy to distract Dean he thought. Maybe they could have sex and then go out for frozen yogurt. Cas stood up with the pretext of picking another book off the shelf. He noticed Dean's eyes shift from the book in front of him for a second to follow Cas' movement. Excellent, Cas thought, he is bored too. He stood in front of the bookshelf and reached for a particularly high shelf. He felt his shirt come up and knew he was showing skin. He decided to take it one step further and pushed his hips out so his butt was more pronounced than usual.
"Unf" Cas made a small noise. Dean wasn't watching. Cas titled his head to the side and thought about what the most distractingly obvious thing he could do was. Suddenly he had an idea. He brought the book he had just pulled from the shelf to the table next to Dean. He leaned over Dean's shoulder pretending to check something in the book in front of him. The maneuver lined Cas' mouth up perfectly with Dean's exposed neck line. Taking advantage of this position Cas started leaving soft kisses on any skin he could find.
"Cas" Dean groaned "Come on" Cas was grateful that Dean could not see the smirk that crossed his face. He made a dramatic motion and pulled Dean's chair away from the table. Quickly he placed his legs on either side of Dean and straddled him. Dean wrapped his hands around Cas' hips to keep him from falling back.
"We don't have time for this Cas. Your cure isn't going to find itself" Dean reasoned but did not make a move to remove Cas from his lap.
"It has been an entire hour. We deserve a break" Cas reasoned while sliding his hands under Dean's shirt. Dean's skin was hot and Cas could tell he would not need much more convincing.
"But..." Dean started to protest but trailed off when Cas dragged his hands down his chest.
"But what Dean?" Cas asked before pressing his lips against Dean's. He felt the slightly chapped lips open and he moved forward with his tongue. The inside of Dean's mouth tasted faintly bitter and Cas wondered if he had been secretly drinking this entire time. He did not pause to question, instead he pushed his hips into Dean's lap.
"I see we are trying really hard to find a cure for Cas" Sam's voice sounded from the front of the library. Cas pulled away from Dean and felt a flush reach his face. They had not been interrupted by Sam since the very beginning of their relationship.
"Hey, blame Cas. He was determined to seduce and distract me" Dean responded. Cas pulled a face and slowly removed himself from Dean's lap.
"I simply thought that all of this research deserved sexual compensation and frozen dairy products." Cas explained once he was in a modest standing position. Dean looked up at him and shook his head.
"What?" Dean asked.
"I..wanted frozen yogurt" Cas explained simply.
"Right. Why don't you get the dead man walking some frozen yogurt and I will take over the research for awhile" Sam said to Dean.
"Are you sure?" Dean asked. Cas was already making his way out of the library.
"Yeah definitely." Sam responded. Dean lifted himself out of the chair he had been planted in for the last four hours and stretched. He made a small moan and reached his hands above his head. Cas watched Dean shake out his sore muscles convinced he was putting on a show on purpose. Cas was already feeling too hot for his skin and did not appreciate the provocation. He stepped past Sam and left the library. Out in the hallway he paused to wait for Dean. He brought his hand up to cup the back of his neck and began a slow massage. He was beginning to feel a small ache in his neck and suspected he would be in need of painkillers soon. He let out a small disappointed sigh. If he told Dean he was beginning to feel pain he would not be intimate with him. If he took a painkiller without telling Dean it would make him drowsy and he probably would not be able to sustain any amorous relations. The only solution was to passionately throw himself at Dean the moment they were far enough away from Sam. He dropped his hand away from his neck when he heard footsteps approaching. He did not want Dean to suspect anything was wrong.
"So frozen yogurt huh?" Dean asked once he had stepped next to Cas.
"Yes maybe." Cas responded while walking a few more paces away from the library.
"Maybe?" Dean asked. Cas walked in silence for a moment longer before he rounded on Dean suddenly. His hands found Dean's hips and he backed them into the nearest wall. Quickly Cas' mouth covered Dean's before he could protest. Cas slipped his hands under Dean's shirt again resuming their position before they had been interrupted. His mouth was working fiercely against Dean's. He heard Dean groan under him and felt a quickly hardening cock pressed against his leg. Dean's arms circled Cas' back. Before he knew what was happening Dean had changed their position so that Cas was against the wall. They were still too far away from their bedroom for it to be appropriate to lose clothing Cas thought disappointedly. He tried to move down the hall without breaking away from Dean.
"Trying to get away from me?" Dean asked when he broke their kiss for a breath. Cas took advantage of the momentary pause to move them back further into the house.
"Definitely not" Cas answered before pulling Dean into a kiss again. They slid down the hall, limbs entangled. Cas was growing frustrated by the amount of clothing still between them. He pulled Dean off the wall slightly and quickly pulled his shirt over his head and flung it away from them. It landed in a small pool close to their bedroom door. Dean pulled Cas back into him. He ran his hands down Dean's bare chest. Cas left a chaste kiss on Dean's mouth before working his lips down to exposed collarbone. He left wet kiss marks on every section of skin he could while working his way down Dean's chest. Cas was perched on his knees in front of Dean. He slipped his hands into Dean's jeans and pulled them out so he could teasingly flick his tongue under the material. Dean brought his hand up to cup the nape of Cas' neck. Gently he drew his fingers through the dark hair. The change of pace made Cas shudder slightly. He looked up to see Dean staring down at him with soft eyes. He lifted himself off his knees and grabbed Dean's hand.
They walked the rest of the way to the bedroom and shut the door. Dean broke their hand holding and sat down on the bed. Cas watched him for a moment before crossing the distance and straddling him. Cas had wanted to have mindless passionate rough sex but Dean had changed into something else entirely in one movement. Dean lifted Cas' shirt off of him in one slow movement. His fingers found Cas' back and he pulled him into him. Cas understood that Dean needed something more than passion from him right now. His head gave a large throb but he distanced himself from it by wrapping as much of himself around Dean as he could. Dean let out a small sigh. Dean's arms wrapped around Cas' back and slowly he flipped their positioning so that they were laying flat on the bed. Underneath Dean, Cas brought his legs around his hips and placed his legs next to this inside of Dean's. Dean brought his hands back to Cas' hair and softly pulled through it while they gently kissed. The kisses were deep, slow, and purposeful as though every movement mattered on a grand scale. It was not quick and dirty like Cas had hoped but it contained far more emotion than he had ever felt Dean show. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly loved and the feeling made his chest ache. He brought his hands down to Dean's jeans and undid the buttons slowly. He was trying not to sacrifice his concentration on the kiss by progressing. Noticing what Cas was trying to accomplish Dean broke their kiss and smirked. He rolled off of Cas and the bed. Cas watched as Dean pulled the zipper of his jeans down and dragged his pants down in one movement. Dean pulled his underwear off and rolled over Cas to lay on the bed next to him naked. Cas did not take his eyes off Dean through the entire strip tease and after a moment of laying next to a naked Dean, he pushed himself off the bed into a sitting position.
Slowly he crawled on the bed making his way in between Dean's legs. Once situated he lowered his mouth down to Dean's cock and began a slow covering with his tongue. Dean moaned and thrust his hips to meet the moist heat of Cas' mouth. Cas teasingly flicked his tongue across Dean's slit a few more times before taking all that he could fit of Dean's cock into his mouth. Dean moaned again. Cas worked his mouth around Dean slowly perfecting every movement. Dean laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. Cas looked up at him while trying to touch his nose to Dean's pelvis. Dean made a motion and Cas pulled himself off of his cock. Dean hissed at the sudden loss of contact but pulled Cas on top of him. He grabbed the back of Cas' neck and began kissing him lightly. Soft kisses turned into slow deep ones that Cas could feel resonate throughout his whole body. Dean slipped his fingers down Cas' body and began removing the last of his clothing. Cas mimicked Dean's earlier movement and rolled off the bed to remove his pants completely. Before returning to the bed he opened a drawer in the end table next to the bed and pulled out lube. He set the bottle down next to Dean and climbed on top of him once more. He was resting between Dean's legs and could feel his hard cock pressed against his stomach. He adjusted slightly and felt Dean thrust into the contact. Cas smiled and dropped his head to Dean's chest.
Cas picked the bottle of lube of the bed and spread a liberal amount on his fingers. He leaned down and kissed Dean while his fingers slowly traced down his body leaving small spots of lube in their wake. He let his index finger circle Dean's rim. He drew his mouth away from Dean's and began kissing down his neck. He kept up his litany of kisses while his index finger pushed inside Dean. He heard Dean let out a small moan and sat up so his other hand could wrap around his cock. Cas worked slowly. He noticed if he focused intently on pleasuring Dean it was easier to keep the creeping headache out of his mind.
"Casss" Dean moaned his name. Cas placed Dean's leg around his hips. He flipped the lid off the nearby lube and slathered his cock. He had to stop himself from moaning at the contact. He lined the head of his cock up with Dean's ass and began pushing himself in. Tightness surrounded him and he was trying hard not to shudder. He felt his legs rub against Dean's cheeks and waited a moment. Dean was gripping the sheets and panting. He had his head tilted back into the pillow. It was taking every ounce of control Cas had to not pullout and slam back into Dean. He brought his hands to Dean's hips and slowly began pulling out. Halfway out he glided easily back in without resistance. He increased the pace of his thrusting. Dean wrapped his legs around him tighter. He brought his head down to rest on Dean's shoulder while his hips kept the pace. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas' back. He could feel the short nails grab at his skin. He drew his teeth over Dean's neckline softly. Cas felt his legs begin to shake and knew his orgasm wasn't far off. He reached down and palmed Dean's cock. The response from Dean was immediate. He thrust into Cas' hand and dragged him down so there was no space between them. Dean moaned continuously until Cas thought he would go crazy from keeping his orgasm at bay. Dean gave a deep thrust. Cas felt hot wetness spread over his hand and lost control of the rhythm he was keeping. Dean writhed underneath him with the pleasures of his own orgasm before Cas came hard inside him. Shaking with the intensity of his orgasm he pulled out of Dean and on top of his chest exhausted. Fingers worked through his hair and he smiled. Cas didn't even get the chance to express fulfillment before passing out on Dean's chest.
"Dean." Cas said quietly while leaning on the doorframe of the library. Dean looked up from the book that was in front of him and smiled at Cas.
"What's up?" Dean asked while rubbing his hand along his permanent scruff. Cas hesitated for a moment. He had the conversation completely planned out but he knew that Dean was not going to react well.
"It has been two weeks." Cas started. Dean's smile was immediately replaced with a scowl as he hung his head to stare at the book in front of him once more.
"I know how long it has been Cas." Dean said shortly. Cas let his head fall back and allowed a small sigh to pass his lips.
"How long do you plan to be in this musty library for?" Cas asked
"As long as it takes to find a cure" Dean responded. He did not take his eyes away from the book once. Cas bit the inside of his lip and tried to calm the sudden rage he felt. He knew Dean was trying to cure him but his stubborn refusal of the inevitable was grating. Suddenly his calm demeanor broke and he shouted "You're never going to find it Dean because there is no cure." Finally Dean looked up from the book surprised by the change in volume.
"You don't know that. There is something. Just be.." Dean started to explain but Cas cut him off quickly.
"There is nothing. I am going to die. And you're down here wasting what time we have left together because you cannot...you cannot" Cas tried to continue but found a deep pain in his chest was stopping him. He did not want to get angry or cry but he was having a difficult time containing both of these emotions. It was the first time he had recognized his inevitable fate aloud and it suddenly became very real. He brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on the edge of his fingers hoping the pain would keep the tears at bay. It worked for a moment. Dean was watching him curiously. Cas swallowed hard and stared at the floor. If he ran away now Dean would only follow him so he tried to think of any excuse to walk away so he could regain control of himself. Before he could think of anything however Dean pushed his chair away from the table and crossed the library to stand in front of Cas. Without saying anything Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and pulled him into his chest. Cas bit down on his lip hard but could not stop the warm liquid from leaving his eyes. Dean's contact made him lose all control and suddenly he was sobbing into Dean's chest while his hand grasped at the plaid shirt material. Dean held Cas close to him. He brought one hand up to stroke dark messy hair. Dean did not shush him or attempt to calm him down he simply stoked his hair and left soft kisses until the sobbing slowed. Cas took a deep breath against Dean's chest. He could hear the heartbeat close to the surface and it calmed him down. Cas took a deep breath and felt wrecked. Human emotion had a way of leaving him feeling weaker than any physical fight. After a few moments of sadness during which Cas got his breathing under control Dean said "Why don't you go lay down for a bit?" Cas sighed and nodded his head in agreement. He did feel very tried.
"Will you come with me?" Cas asked quietly wiping his eyes as he did.
"Of course" Dean answered. He stepped back from Cas and grabbed the book from the table. Cas said nothing. Researching gave Dean the illusion that he was accomplishing something, that he was fighting the illness. Cas realized he could not take that away from Dean.
Dean shifted the book into his right hand and held out his left for Cas to take. Cas reached his hand forward and took Dean's hand in his own. The contact grounded him and the tight feeling in his chest softened. They left the library and walked through the house to their shared bedroom. Cas grew increasingly tired with every step and was grateful that Dean had suggested he rest. Once in their bedroom he immediately laid down on the bed. He felt his eyelids grow heavy but did not want to fall asleep until Dean was next to him. He lifted his head up slightly to keep himself awake. Dean let out a small laugh when he realized what Cas was doing. The mattress sunk and Cas rolled towards Dean. Very quickly he wrapped himself around the warm body next to him. His head rested on Dean's shoulder.
"Read to me?" Cas requested.
"You want me to read The Blackest of Arts to you?" Dean asked
"Yes." Cas answered
"It isn't really bedtime material" Dean said skeptically
"That is alright" Cas answered.
"Okay then." Dean said as he flipped open the book and started to read "The heart of a virgin can be used for various spell work..." Cas did not hear what virgin hearts could be used for.
Cas woke in an empty bed a few hours later. He looked around the dark room searching for Dean but found it empty. He rolled over and stretched before propping himself up. The nap had made him feel better and more in control. After some food he could probably confront Dean once more he thought to himself. Undoubtably he would find Dean in the same place he had been for the last two weeks. Cas walked out of the bedroom and down the hall to the kitchen. If it was not too late he might find left over food sitting out for him. He paused at the swinging door when he heard Dean shout from inside.
"Sammy, you don't get it. I can't find anything. I've been reading until my eyes bleed every day and there is nothing...just nothing"
"Calm down. We are going to find something. Don't give up hope Dean. We aren't going to let Cas die." Sam placated softly. Cas heard a bottle hit the table hard. He understood why Dean was being so open with Sam.
"It's hopeless. I can't watch him die again. I can't lose him again...not after..." Dean trailed off.
"I know. We will find something." Sam said. There was a silence in the kitchen and Cas almost walked in so they did not find him listening at the door. He heard a chair push across the floor. Cas rearranged his facial features into what he hoped was innocence. He pushed the kitchen door forward and mocked surprise to see Sam and Dean standing in the kitchen. Cas noticed a glass of liquor sitting on the table and an empty glass next to it.
"Cas, what are you doing up?" Dean asked him.
He shrugged his shoulders "I was thirsty" Cas walked over to the fridge and pulled out the pitcher they kept there. Dean came up behind him and grabbed the pitcher out of his hands.
"I'll bring it to you. Go back to bed" Dean instructed.
"I am perfectly capable of pouring myself a glass of water Dean. I am sick not infantile." Cas said bitterly. He knew Dean was feeling hopeless and the result was him overcompensating.
"I know. I didn't mean that. Just let me help you" Dean explained. The liquor gave his tone a harsh note. Cas turned around to face Dean.
"I'm just going to go..." Sam said from the corner of the kitchen before disappearing quickly. Cas did not want to fight. He let go of the pitcher and stepped away from Dean. He sighed softly and sat down at the table in front of the almost empty bottle of jack.
"How much of this did you drink?" he asked
"Enough." Dean answered gruffly while pulling a glass from the cabinet next to the fridge.
"Is there something you want to discuss?" Cas asked. He watched Dean pour him a large glass of water.
"Nope" Dean shook his head. He walked over to the table and gave Cas a small smile.
It happened one day when Dean was in the library.
"Cas...Cas" Dean almost shouted his name.
"What?" Cas answered looking up from his book. Dean was staring at the book in front of him in surprise.
"I might be having one of those eureka moments" Dean said his eyes never leaving the book.
"What?" Cas asked while he picked himself out of the chair and walked over to read over Dean's shoulder.
"Read it" Dean said as he shoved the book into Cas' hands. He looked down at the book.
And should they prove worthy new life will be granted...
"What does this mean?" Cas asked.
"Did you read it? It's like a test and if you are judged worthy they can cure you" Dean answered talking quickly.
"But Dean who is they?" Cas asked putting the book down with hesitation.
Dean dragged his hands through his hair as he answered "I don't know. Does it matter?"
Cas looked at Dean but did not respond.
"Cas this is a good thing. This is what we've been searching for. This can fix you" Dean said grabbing Cas' shoulders and turning his body so they were facing each other. Cas looked up at Dean.
"I do not want you to get false hope. There is not a lot of information here. This looks like a summoning ritual" Cas said looking doubtfully down at the opened book.
"I will call Sam in here to do some research magic to make sure everything checks out." Dean placated.
He still had an over joyed look on his face that made Cas feel uneasy.
"Promise me we will not go into this blind" Cas asked seriously.
"Hey I may be good looking but I'm not stupid" Dean answered with a small wink. Cas opened his mouth to protest further but stopped short when he heard Dean hum while he pulled another book off a shelf. He could not bring himself to crush this momentary happiness. After what he overheard Dean discussing with Sam he could not be the one to tear any hope Dean had away from him. Dean leaned over and gave Cas a small kiss on the cheek before dashing out of the room calling for Sam.
Taking advantage of the temporary solitude he leaned over the book on the table and read through the passage again. The spell to conjure this unknown judge was complicated. It required ingredients that would have been difficult to get even as an angel. A feeling of loss swept over Cas. He wished he could call for his family and that they could heal him so he did not have to worry about Dean's safety. If he had not caused so much damage he might have been able to still. He was certain they would not come if he tried now. He had seen Dean pray a few days ago with no response. The angels were not going to help him. He had become human by choice and he had to suffer the consequences. How could he have possibly guessed that sickness and death were those consequences. Had he guessed he probably would have remained an angel. As much as he loved being with Dean and being human helped him accomplish that, every moment since they found out about his illness had been difficult and guilt inducing. If he could take back his decision he probably would. He would not have been involved with Dean but he would not have to leave him.
"I know how it sounds but I think we actually have something here" Cas heard Dean before he saw him. Sam walked through the doorway first.
"Let's see it then" Sam said looking at the table. He walked around Cas and sat in the chair in front of the book. Cas looked over at Dean who had followed Sam into the library with a smile on his face. Sam read the passage quickly and then looked up at Dean.
"This is a summoning ritual" Sam explained.
"Yeah. Cas said that but I think it could still work. Cas just needs to be judged worthy" Dean responded
"I don't know Dean. This ingredients are going to be problematic." Sam said. Cas noticed Sam was hesitating. He thought he might know why.
"So?" Dean asked.
"I am just saying it is going to be difficult and..." Sam trailed off.
"And what if they do not judge me worthy?" Cas finished. Sam shrugged his shoulders sheepishly.
Dean puffed out his chest and answered "Then I will kick their asses until they do judge you worthy" Cas tried not to roll his eyes.
"Charming bravado aside is it worth tracking down all of those ingredients to be turned away?" Cas asked. Dean looked at Cas very seriously before saying "Yes. Your life is worth it. We have to try. You are plenty worthy." Cas bit the inside of his cheek. Dean's complete faith in him was overwhelming yet satisfying. Of course Dean did not have a litany of committed atrocities running through his head.
"Cas can you remember anything about this ritual or who this judge is?" Sam asked him. Cas grabbed the book and read over the passage again. The spell did not look familiar and despite how hard he tried he could not remember any supernatural being who catered in this type of healing. He focused intently on the page in front of him for another moment before releasing an exasperated sigh. It was beyond frustrating that he could not access the wealth of knowledge he once held. The combination of tumor and human weakness gave him a limited memory bank and perspective.
"Hey, it's alright. It just means a little bit more leg work" Dean reassured noticing how frustrated Cas had become.
"Right. Well Dean why don't you call around and see if any of the hunting community has heard anything about this and I'll look online" Sam dictated quickly. Dean nodded his head in response to Sam's instructions before turning to Cas.
"Why don't you read through the rest of the book and see if it is mentioned again?" Dean suggested.
"Okay" Cas answered before plopping in the chair next to him. Cas picked up the book and reread the paragraph. He heard Dean leave the room and let out a small sigh.
"Something wrong?" Sam asked him. Cas felt his heart beat against his chest. He had forgotten Sam was still in the room with him.
"No." He answered plainly. If he was lucky he could master the Winchester art of repressing emotions right before he died. He felt Sam staring at him but pretended he did not notice. He turned the page and began scanning the new section for any reference to the ritual. He heard the keys of a keyboard clicking and knew Sam had dropped his gaze. Cas let his focus fall away from the book.
Thirty minutes later Dean walked into the library. Cas looked up when he heard him coming and offered him a small smile. Dean was scowling and did not return the smile but came and sat next to Cas.
"So no one has heard anything about this ritual." Dean said aloud. Sam looked up and pulled a face.
"I can't find much of anything here either" Sam said.
"Anything in the book Cas?" Dean glanced over at Cas as he asked. He flipped the pages listlessly before replying "Not that I have seen" No one spoke for a moment. Cas watched Dean bring his hand up to his lower jaw and drag his fingers across his scruff. He hadn't shaved in three days and the shadow was very pleasing Cas thought.
"So we are going into this blind then?" Dean asked. Cas rolled his eyes and tried to avoid protesting. After a moment he could not keep silent.
"Dean we cannot do that. It could be incredibly dangerous and end up causing more problems"
"And what would you suggest we do? Nothing?" Dean asked him with a hint of sarcasm. At least Cas suspected it was sarcasm.
"You promised we would not go into this blind and we cannot find any information on it." Cas reasoned.
"I'm not going to sit around and watch you die when I could have done something" Dean said as he stood up.
"But Dean..." Cas started to protest.
"No. We are doing this." Dean interrupted harshly.
"I'll go get started on the ingredients" Sam said quickly. Cas heard Sam leave the room.
"Dean this is foolish. We have no idea what this ritual will summon. It might end up killing all three of us." Cas started immediately.
"We will make Sam stay in the other room and then that is a risk I am willing to take." Dean calmly replied.
"I will not let you kill yourself to save me" Cas said angrily. Dean was keeping a reasoned tone and it was infuriating Cas even more. Usually he was able to keep his temper and had to weather through Dean's rages but ever since he got sick things had changed.
"You don't even know what will happen. It will kill me to do nothing" Dean replied. He brought his hand out to grab at Cas. Cas took a step back and glared at Dean.
"Figuratively." Cas scowled.
"If this kills me then we can just meet up in heaven. You know your way around" Dean joked. Cas wasn't convinced.
"It is my life. I should have some say." Cas stated.
"You do have some say but you want to give up when we are this close to the finish line?" Dean responded.
"You hope." Cas replied with a note of cynicism.
"We are doing this Cas. End of discussion." Dean said with finality. Cas turned away from Dean and rolled his eyes. This was exactly like Dean, self sacrificing until the end.
"I am going to help Sam. Keep reading." Dean instructed quietly before leaving the room. Cas felt exhausted. Arguing with Dean was tiresome before his illness. At least when he was an angel he could physically overpower Dean until he came to his senses. He flipped the book shut angrily with a scowl fixed on his face.
Two weeks and twelve separate occult shops later the ingredients were in their possession. Cas watched nervously as Dean carefully laid out the individual items on the table. He half hoped that if he could not talk Dean out of this insane plan that the items would prove difficult if not impossible to procure. They had been difficult. Dean had spent the greater part of six hours on the phone with different shops throughout the United States attempting to find them. Mugwort had been easy but a pure silver coin blessed by a shaman had been the hardest. Eventually Dean found a shop that had one down in Virginia. The shop would not ship the item though so a road trip ensued. Dean sent Sam. He was convinced that Cas would burn the ritual if left alone in the house.
"I do not need a babysitter Dean." Cas insisted hating the fact that he sounded like an insolent child with his protest.
"Yeah you do." Dean answered simply. They had already gone through this argument. Cas did not approve of the plan and Dean was going to make sure he did not sabotage it.
Cas crossed his arms and stood against the back wall. He could not stop what was about to happen but he was not going to help either. Dean was focusing intently on the ingredients. Cas was watching his back as he moved the pieces around so they were easy to access. He rolled his eyes and focused on Sam instead. He was standing near the table reciting the spell from the book repeatedly. They were very efficient when the situation called for it Cas thought. Dean clapped his hands together and looked up at Sam.
"What next?" he asked. Sam looked up from his reading and spared a glance at the table in front of him before handing the book over to Dean.
"Some of these need to be mixed together and then used to make a sigil." Sam pointed at the book as he responded. Dean grabbed the book from him and got to work. The discomfort Cas felt at the Winchesters possibly risking their lives for him was becoming unbearable. He pushed his back of the wall and made to leave the room.
"Where are you going princess?" Dean asked him without turning around. Cas tilted his head to the side. Dean had not even turned around but he knew Cas was walking out of the room. He had barely made any noise, the hunter's hearing could not be that good.
"I thought I would go for a nap since you seem to have this covered." Cas answered.
"You could at least pretend you're grateful that we are trying to save your life." Dean said with his back still to Cas.
"At the possible risk of your own. I cannot be grateful for that." Cas responded and left the room before Dean could protest.
He was certain that Dean would call him back when the ritual was prepared. He made his way through the house and wound up in the kitchen. He had not planned it consciously but naturally he had a desire to clean and drink coffee. The coffee machine was on the counter nearest the sink but Cas did not bother with it. He reached into the cupboard above the sink and stood on his toes. He wrapped his hand around a worn french press that he used in special circumstances. He set it down on the counter and began rummaging through the other cupboards in search of the kettle. He found it hidden in the back of the cabinet that held their baking dishes. He filled it with water and set it on the stove. Backing away from the stove, Cas noticed that the counters could use a cleaning. He pulled a brandless cleaner from under the sink and sprayed the counters with the liquid inside. Slowly he scrubbed the counters working away his anger the best way he could. If he was honest with himself he was not actually angry but worried. In true Winchester style his real emotions often masked themselves as anger. He began vigorously scrubbing the counters. Dean's determined face flashed through his mind numerous times making him scrub even harder. He looked down at his hands to see they had turned red. The kettle was beginning to whistle. He set the sponge down and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. Quickly he turned the stove off and the whistling winded down. He looked down at the kettle with his head turned sideways. He was trying to remember where they kept the coffee at. He knew it was in one of these cupboards but he could not remember its exact location. He made coffee everyday. He should know where the coffee is he scolded himself inwardly.
He opened the cabinet closest to the fridge and peered inside. Dishes glared angrily out at him. He closed the cabinet frustrated. His eyes trailed over each cabinet individually hoping that one of them would spark something in his memory. When he could not remember what was in any of the cabinets, not even the one he had just opened, he walked forward and threw them all open. He took a step back and tried to memorize every detail. The coffee he noted was in the same cabinet he had taken the french press from which made sense now that he could see it in front of him. When he was convinced he could remember what was in every cabinet he moved forward and slowly closed them. He left the cabinet with the coffee in it for last. He pulled the bag out and closed the door softly. He felt an anxiety build up in his chest and stared down at the bag in his hand for a long moment. Over the past few weeks he had been experiencing difficulties in remembering long complicated supernatural elements but he assumed that was more of his transcendence into mortality than his brain tumor. Until now he had not experienced an extreme case of memory loss. Considering all of the possibilities and implications made him anxious. He could forget who he was or worse who Dean was. A small prick of pain started at his left temple. He brought a hand to rub at the spot absentmindedly. The pain brought him out of his thoughts and he remembered he was making coffee.
"Cas?" He heard Dean say his name.
"I am in the kitchen" he responded. He heard heavy booted footsteps and watched the kitchen door swing open to reveal Dean seconds later.
"We are just about ready so..." Dean trailed off. He was staring at Cas with his eyebrows knitted together.
"What's wrong?" he asked hesitantly. Cas looked at him and then at the floor.
"I could not...I couldn't remember where the coffee was." Cas explained. Dean let out a large sigh.
"Hey that's okay. Sometimes I wake up and don't remember who the attractive stranger is next to me." Dean replied with a small smile. Cas was too worried to laugh. He wanted to tell Dean he was afraid of losing him but he did not want to trouble him with the burden. Instead he asked "What if this does not work?"
Dean contemplated the thought for a moment. "Then we will find something else" he replied seriously.
"But.." Cas started before Dean interrupted finishing his unspoken thought aloud.
"But what if you forget me?" Cas could not reply. He looked solemnly at Dean and gave a slow indicative head nod. Dean looked up at the ceiling letting air out of his nose. He gave a small shrug and looked back at Cas. "Then I'll help you remember"
"I'm not leaving." Sam crossed his arms and stared Dean down. Cas watched as he firmly planted himself in case his brother tried to forcefully remove him from the library. Dean raised his eyebrows and glared.
"You have to. We have no idea what might happen." Dean reasoned.
"Which is exactly why I should be in here. You might need backup and Cas is..." Sam trailed off.
"Useless" Cas finished. Sam looked over at Cas apologetically.
"No. You're just sick" Sam explained quickly "You have to agree that Dean needs backup"
"He doesn't have to agree to anything. I am making the call here Sam." Dean said his voice getting higher the more defiant Sam became.
"I care about Cas too. I'm staying. We're wasting time even arguing about this." Sam argued.
"I can't risk you." Dean explained with a hint of embarrassment in his voice.
"It's not your choice to make and you need my help so suck it up." Sam answered before striding over to stand in front of the sigil on the table. Dean did not move but clenched his hand into a fist. Cas did not say anything. He would rather they not do the ritual at all but he knew his protest would fall on deaf ears. He watched Sam waiting for Dean to move past his concern. Though he would probably never admit it he felt a sense of camaraderie towards Sam. His refusal to step away was not just because he wanted to protect his brother but because he also cared for Cas.
"Fine. But if you die and go to hell again, I am leaving you there" Dean joked.
"Fair. Cas come over here we need blood." Sam said while picking up the book. Cas walked the few paces to the table and stood in front of Sam. He heard Dean quietly walk up behind him. He grabbed a small blade off the table.
"How much" he asked Sam.
Sam did not respond right away but looked over at Dean.
"Enough to fill that bowl." Sam pointed to a small bowl. Cas picked up the bowl and looked inside. A smattering of ingredients were crushed in the bottom.
"It says the bowl needs to be placed in the middle of the sigil while you bleed into it and I read some latin" Sam explained. Cas felt Dean visibly shift rather than see him.
"I can read it." Dean said.
"My latin is better" Sam reasoned.
"Sam. I can read it." Dean said seriously. Cas looked over at him and realized there would be no arguing with him even from Sam.
"Fine." Sam said realizing the same thing before handing the book over. Dean looked the page over and nodded.
"Ready?" He asked Cas. Cas nodded and moved the bowl into the middle of the sigil. He placed the knife against the palm of his left hand. Quickly he cut into himself. He sucked in a breath and let his now bleeding hand hang over the bowl. Dean began reciting the ritual. Somewhere in the back of Cas' mind he remembered the meaning of some of the words. Sacrifice, blood, measure, and exhibit were being used repetitively. Dean stopped reading. The room was still. The bowl was slowly filling with his blood.
"Should I keep going?" Dean asked Sam. Sam shrugged his shoulders before answering "Couldn't hurt". Dean began repeating the ritual again.
"You really don't have to do that. I am right here" sounded a voice from the back of the library. Sam turned around. Cas pulled his hand away from the bowl and looked in the direction the voice came from. He saw Dean place a hand on the inside of his jacket. A small man in a casual suit walked around the stack that was hiding him from view. Cas thought he sort of looked like a butler in one of those spy films Dean made him watch.
"How can I help you?" He took turns looking at the three of them individual waiting for a reply.
"How about you tell us who you are first." Dean threatened.
"You called me who are you?" the man replied.
"I am Sam Winchester, that is my brother Dean and that is Cas. We summoned you?" Sam responded taking over the conversation. The man considered Sam for a moment.
"Well I would not be here if you hadn't. One of you needs to be saved I take it?" He asked.
"Yeah. Cas does" Sam responded again. Cas took a small step forward and glared at the man in front of them.
"Are you aware of what that entails? What cost must be paid?" The man directed this question at Cas. Cas thought for a moment. The ritual had said he must be judged worthy.
"A test of some sort?" Cas asked him.
"In a way." the man answered vaguely.
"Okay, what does that mean? And who are you exactly, Jeeves?" Dean practically shouted at the man.
"Jeeves is fitting. I am a representative, a conduit, a chauffeur of sorts" He answered while walking closer to Cas. Without warning he stepped inside Cas' personal space and laid a hand on his chest. An intense pain spread through his entire body. He dropped to his knees and cried out. A moment later the pain receded as though nothing happened. He looked up from his position on the floor to see Dean had pinned the man against a wall and was threatening to kill him.
"Dean." Cas called for his attention calmly. Dean looked around and saw that Cas was standing again but did not let go of his grip. The man did not look at all worried. Dean looked back at Cas once more and loosened his grip. He took two steps back and stood between Cas and the man.
"You have quite an aggressive brain tumor" the man said while straightening his jacket. He did not move towards Cas again. Cas did not reply.
"Can you heal him?" Sam asked.
"Perhaps." The man answered vaguely once more.
"Do it then." Dean demanded.
"Oh, it is not up to me." the man responded while turning so his back was facing them.
"Then who is up to?" Dean asked.
"You." He answered simply. The man quickly walked over to the nearest wall and placed his hand there. Cas watched him with apprehension. A supernatural being who was purposefully vague was never a good thing. He grabbed at Dean's arm and was about to tell him they should not go any further with this when the wall caved in to create a black void. The man turned to face them and stood with his arm outstretched inviting them to walk into the void. Dean took a step forward.
"Dean. No." Cas grabbed his arm to stop him.
"It's okay. We have to." Dean said to Cas as he looked at the hand clamped down on his arm. He took Cas' hand off of his arm but replaced it with his own hand. They walked toward the black seemingly endless abyss. Sam stepped up next to Dean. He had a determined look on his face and Cas knew that he was coming with them no matter what protests Dean threw his way. Dean looked at his brother too but he did not protest. The three of them walked through the hole where the wall used to be. Cas looked around but all he could see was darkness.