Chapter 8 - Discoveries: "Games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out."
Running his hands over his face and through his hair, Leonard sighed as he stared at the screen of his laptop. Every few minutes, he'd stop, the stress of what had happened between him and Penny a couple of days ago hitting him all over again.
At first, he'd simply stood there as he processed just what was happening. Then he remembered that he was a human and he could move, and rushed out of his room, stabbing hastily and the 'down' button for the elevator. By the time he'd gotten outside, she had gone. There was a cab turning the corner and he could have placed a bet that she was in that cab. When he got back to his room, mumbling angry at himself, he realized that he'd left his key in there, in his haste to chase after her, so had had to go and ask for another one.
He'd spent an hour just sitting there at his desk, trying to remember her address. She'd given it to the cab driver that night after he'd seen her in the play. But apart from 'Apartment 28', nothing came to mind. They hadn't given each other their numbers, not needing them whilst still in each others company, and in retrospect he wished that he'd asked before she left for work so he could make sure she was getting back okay. She still didn't exist online, apart from the play's website, with a little biography about her, which he'd already read in the program. He didn't want to turn up outside the theater and cause a scene, because he knew that would probably scare her even more.
Then he'd figured that perhaps she needed some space to think. Which was fair enough; he didn't blame her. She had always needed some space, and she probably needed it now. Maybe he needed some space to think.
It was strange, how neither of them had seen this coming. They both knew that his job now involved travelling frequently, and spending months at sea, visiting and working in new destinations. And yes, there were plans to probably return to London after this expedition, but they weren't final, and he hadn't had the chance to tell her that yet, since he'd already forgotten about the fact that he even was going away in the first place. But what if that didn't help? It was the separation that had caused them to drift apart in the first place; he knew that know. It was difficult. Why should he make her face that again? How was 'I might be coming back in a few months time' supposed to help her?
And that brought him to where he was now. Three days of overthinking, trying to remember her address, hating himself, and trying to distract himself with work. It was a vicious circle. He'd managed to finish his presentation and send it off, but now he had the paper to focus on. He'd write a few sentences and then find himself stressing again.
Sighing, he saw that it was approaching half ten in the evening. Perhaps it was better for him to resign for the night and just try to get some sleep so his head didn't hurt so much and he could think straight. Shutting his laptop, he stood from his chair, walking into the middle of the room to stretch, sore from sitting all day.
As he went to shrug off his jacket, thinking about how she'd be leaving to go home around now, his eyes widened. Suddenly, her voice giving the taxi driver her address rung through his mind, as he remembered fiddling with doing up his seatbelt that moment - it was like deja vu. Freaky, he thought to himself. Yeah, that's what to focus on. How freaky that is. Grabbing his hotel key, wallet and phone from his desk, Leonard sped out of the room.
Locking the door, Penny kicked her shoes off and dropped her jacket and bag off in the front room, before heading straight for the bathroom. Tying her hair up in a messy top knot, she wiped her make-up off, cleaning her face and staring at her tired face for a few seconds. Back in the bedroom, she rid herself of her clothes before pulling on her white tank top and a pair of red flannel shorts before slouching back through to the front room.
Making herself a hot cup of tea, she grabbed a packet of cookies before settling herself on the couch. It was just like it had been for the past few days; a cacophony of blankets and cushions, a hoodie for when she got cold, and mismatched socks that she apparently kicked off whenever she fell asleep. Wrapping herself up in the blankets with her knees up to her chest, she held her mug in one hand, balancing it on her knee, as she switched on the television and found herself a late night movie to watch.
The couch wasn't comfortable. She wasn't particularly interested in the movie she was watching. One of the blankets made her skin itch and the cushions didn't seem to accommodate how she wanted them to. She'd forgotten to put sugar in her tea so it didn't taste right. Her eyes hurt but she knew trying to sleep now would only mean lying there, uncomfortable, as tears stung at her eyes while she thought about how unfair life was and how dumb it was that she couldn't bring herself to sleep in her own bed because Leonard wasn't there now. Thinking about how she was too scared to even go back to Leonard's hotel room to talk about things out of fear that he'd think she was ridiculous for running off like that, and the conflict of wanting to see him again, and wanting him to come and find her but also just wanting to be completely alone, only made her hate herself to the point she'd curl her fists up so tight her fingernails would pierce the skin of her palms.
She couldn't help the dread that filled her as she thought this is how it begins. Closing her eyes for a moment, she bit her lip to stop it from trembling. First you're sad like this and then you start to give up on fighting it and fighting at all. Shooting her eyes open, she groaned out loud, before attempting to return her focus to the movie.
Over half an hour later, she'd finally gotten into the movie and begun following the storyline of the characters. Her doorbell ringing caused her to jump, and she grumbled as she muted the television, getting up. If it was one of the neighbors again asking for their key after a drunken night out, she was seriously going to have to tell them she no longer wanted to be the one who had their spare key. It wasn't fair, she never knocked on their doors asking for spare keys.
Yanking the door open, her expression changed from anger to shock when she saw Leonard standing at her door.
"Whatever you're doing here you're going to have to come inside and close the door because it's cold out there and I left my blankets on the couch." Penny folded her arms, her annoyance faltering.
"Sorry." Leonard stepped inside quickly, closing the door behind him. "Can I talk to you?"
"Well, you're here now, so you might as well." Penny shrugged, before turning on her heel and heading back into the living room. Watching as she wrapped herself back up in blankets, Leonard couldn't help but observe how much messier it was than a few days ago. He stood awkwardly by the door, before she raised her brows at him. "You can sit down if you want."
"Oh, sure," he nodded, perching himself on the edge of the couch. "Penny, are you okay?"
"Yeah," she replied quickly, not looking at him. But she knew he wasn't going to accept that, and she knew it was far from the truth. Closing her eyes, she uttered a small "not really." The next thing she felt was the warmth of his embrace, and instantly she buried her face in his chest, tears spilling from her eyes. "Thank you."
Kissing her hair, he rubbed her back gently while she began to calm down a little. He could feel her tears soaking through his t-shirt, but he would rather have them there and be there to hold her, than have them spilling onto her own t-shirt when she was on her own.
"I'm going to talk now, okay?" Leonard said softly, as she relaxed and turned her head slightly so the side of her head rested on his chest.
"Okay." Penny sniffed.
"Mentioning that trip came as a shock to both of us... you more than me, because in the back of my head I still knew it was happening. I'm sorry for just bringing it up like that."
"It's fine, it just... it came as a huge shock. I completely forgot about it." Penny mumbled. "I suppose I was pretending that it wasn't going to happen."
"That's okay. If the tables were turned, I would have reacted the same way." Leonard assured her. "You know I've been on quite a few of these trips. For each one of them, I've been working closer and closer with my boss."
"That's good. It's like eternal promotions."
"Yeah, I guess it kind of is. Anyway, the good thing about that is, I get a lot of input into these trips, how they happen, and who goes on them, that kind of stuff." Leonard paused for a moment before continuing. "I've been trying to concentrate on my work these past few days. But all I could think about was you. I wanted to find you but I didn't know how. And I knew turning up at your work would probably scare you, it seemed so... intrusive to force that upon you. But then, what if that was the only way? Should I have tried that?"
She nodded her agreement, looking at him apologetically. "No, I needed some space to myself. You're right. Work is my place to get away from everything. As much as this hurt I'm glad that you gave me that boundary."
"I just wanted to give you space but I also just wanted to find you. I had no idea where though." Leonard frowned. "I shut my laptop earlier and then as I went to start getting ready for bed I suddenly remembered your address. You didn't tell me it, you told the taxi driver, which is why it was so difficult to remember."
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry."
"That's okay. I still remembered it eventually."
"Impressive, I have to say."
"Thanks." Leonard chuckled a little here as she nuzzled her nose against his neck for a moment, before dropping her head to his shoulder. "I've had a long time to think about it but the moment you ran out of my hotel room I made a decision. A decision I realised I had made when I first saw you outside the theater but never consciously thought about."
Penny's heart skipped a beat. "Huh?"
"I'm not going on the expedition."
"You..." the words got caught in Penny's throat for a moment before she could continue with "you're not?"
"No. I'm not going."
"Oh." Penny's blinked a few times, before lifting her head to look at him, her mind screaming. "Wow. Why?"
"I promised that I'm not going to ever let you go again, or let you go through what you did again." Leonard told her. "And I will stay with you here, if you want to stay here, or if you want to go back to Pasadena, we can go back there. Whatever you want. But I'm not leaving you. I can't do that again. I can't let you go through that again and I don't want to be apart from you again. Ever."