TW: There is a brief mention of suicide and drug use. It is very brief but just in case.
Dean woke with a start. A small creature had jumped on top of him and woke him from a perfectly pleasant dream. Looking down he saw his son had climbed into his bed to wake him up. He sat up and wrapped his arms around the child.
"Hey bud" Dean said while nuzzling the child. He elicited a small shriek in response.
"Where's mom?" Dean asked. A pointed finger at the door was the only response he received.
"Is she making breakfast?" Dean asked his son continuing the conversation for both of them. The small toddler had not managed a large vocabulary yet. He nodded in response instead.
"Well then" Dean swung his legs out of bed and picked his son up before continuing to talk to him "Let's go find her."
Dean walked out of the room holding his son. He felt more content than he could remember. This past week had been stressful. His boss had been piling on the responsibilities and it resulted in a lot of late nights for Dean. Holding his son in his arms while he walked down the hall pretending to look for his wife while his son laughed he couldn't remember any of the stressful details of his work week. In fact only a vague image of what he actually did at work flashed in his memory. Dean didn't mind. He was grateful even. The more he could remember about his family the better. He left work in a different sphere.
Dean walked into the kitchen and smiled at back of his wife standing in front of the stove making breakfast.
"Where is your mom? I don't see her..." He continued to play with his son. At the sound of his voice the woman in the kitchen turned around. His son struggled in his arms trying to get to his mother. Dean put him on the floor and watched him waddle to the woman. She picked him off the floor and gave him a kiss.
"There's coffee" she said to Dean who was watching them both in a serene stasis. Dean walked over to the counter and grabbed himself a mug. After pouring himself a cup of coffee he walked over to the island and sat down. After sitting he realized he hadn't kissed his wife good morning. He also realized he didn't really feel like doing it either. That's weird he thought to himself while he sipped his coffee. Had they fought the night before Dean wondered thinking about the details of last night. He had come home ate dinner and showered before going to bed. He did not remember even speaking to her last night. Dean shrugged it off and drank the rest of his coffee in peace.
After breakfast and changing out of his pajamas Dean went out to the garage. He was working on fixing up an old car. Before opening the garage door he tried to think about where he had left off on the car but he could not remember.
"Something wrong?" a voice asked from behind him. She had come out to check on him. Dean had not noticed that he was stuck standing in front of the garage.
"No. Well I don't think so." Dean answered.
"Okay, explain." She prompted.
"I am just having some memory issues today." Dean explained shaking his head attempting to clear it.
"Hmm do you remember this?" She asked him before stepping into his space and pressing her lips against his. It was a nice kiss. It felt like she was made just to kiss him but there was something wrong. Something he couldn't quite place. When she broke away it hit him. It wasn't like kissing someone familiar. It was like kissing a stranger. It felt empty despite its high quality. Dean let out a shaky laugh.
"Oh yeah I definitely remember that." He answered. He turned his back to her and opened the garage. Something strange was happening to him. How could he not remember what kissing his wife felt like?
Dean pondered the problem while he worked on the car in the garage. Testing his memory he hummed along with all of his favorite songs. He knew all of the words to every Zepplin song he tried but when he tried to remember his wife's middle name he came up blank.
"Dean!" She shouted from an open window in the house.
"Yeah?" He shouted back trying to calm the unwelcome chill that worked its way up his spine.
"Sammy is on the phone." She yelled out the window again.
"Be there in a second" Dean responded. He hesitated before dropping the grease stained rag that was in his hand. Sam never let anyone call him Sammy. He hated when Dean did but made an exception. Warning signs were flashing in his mind.
He walked into the house and picked up the phone.
"Hey, what's up?" Dean said into the receiver.
"Hey! I just wanted to make sure we were still on for dinner." Sam asked. Dean had completely forgotten that they had dinner plans. He tried to recall when he had made them but couldn't. One more thing on the ever growing list of things he couldn't remember today.
"Uh yeah we are." He responded trying to hide the concern in his voice.
"What's wrong? Did you get called into work again? You can't keep canceling." Sam nagged. Listening to Sam whine about his flaky habits calmed him down. If Sam was nagging him then there couldn't be anything wrong.
"No, I didn't. I'll be there okay." Dean said quickly.
"Great!" Sam answered.
"Yeah, I have to go." Dean said into the phone. He felt someone staring at him and turned around as he put the phone down. His wife was seated at the bar across the kitchen looking at him.
"What's up?" he asked as calmly as he could manage. Repeatedly he tried to shake the feeling that something was wrong but he couldn't.
"What did Sam want?" she asked him.
"He wanted to make sure I was coming to dinner tonight." Dean answered.
"Well of course we are going." She said. Dean paused for a moment. It did not occur to him that she should come.
"Uh well Sam made it seem like he wanted some brotherly bonding so I thought maybe I would just go." Dean made up wildly. He could not explain it but the idea of her being anywhere near Sam made him uneasy.
"Oh. Okay." She replied in an aggravated tone. Strangely Dean did not care. He did not bother to try to reconcile the slight. Instead he turned around and walked out of the kitchen to go take a shower.
The waiter showed Dean to a table where Sam was already waiting.
"Hey!" Sam exclaimed standing up and reaching over the table to hug Dean. A feeling of fear and relief flooded him. If Sam was alright then there couldn't be anything too wrong in the world. Dean felt Sam's arms leave his side and pushed the chair away from the table to sit down. Dean kept his eyes fixed on Sam afraid that he might disappear if he looked away for even a moment. Worried as he was Dean could not keep from grinning. Sam raised his eyebrows at the peculiar way Dean was acting before asking
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah." Dean answered quickly clapping his hands together "Why wouldn't I be?"
Sam shook his head slightly and picked up the menu in front of him. Dean watched him casually flip through the pages.
"How's Martha?" Sam asked without looking up from the menu.
"Uh who?" Dean answered. Sam let out a small chuckle.
"Regretting marriage? I bet the vampire nest is starting to look good." Dean shook his head. There was something clawing at the inside of his head. He could recognize the words Sam was using but it was as if they held no connection for him.
"I'm sorry, what?" Dean asked.
"That vampire nest I called you about last week. I need help." Sam looked over his menu at Dean.
Dean brought his hand up to cup the back of his neck. The act took him by surprise. It wasn't one of his common gestures and he felt sure he had seen someone else do it before. What surprised him more was the fact that he had no memory of what his brother was talking about.
"Oh right." He answered vaguely. Rather than glance over the menu Dean concentrated on what Sam had just told him. When he had received the call earlier he had expected Sam wanted to see him because he wanted to catch up. It had never crossed Dean's mind that Sam would still be hunting if Dean had settled down. Questions flew through Dean's head. Why would Sam keep hunting? It was always Dean who dragged him back into it. Suddenly Dean was feeling uneasy with the person seated across from him. It certainly looked and acted like Sammy but something was off. Something about his entire life was off.
"Hey Sam. When did I get married?" Dean asked determined to push through his confusion.
Sam looked taken aback. "A couple of years ago. Why?" Sam answered. Dean didn't say anything. Sam had not given him a detailed answer.
"Dean, are you alright?" Sam asked with a hint of worry in his voice.
"Sure. How old is my son?" Dean asked pressing Sam for details.
"Two or three" Sam answered sounding more worried.
"Which one is it? Two or three?" Dean asked. Sam looked down at his hands and coughed.
"Dean I know I haven't been around much lately. It is just these cases are time consuming. You get caught up in the work. You know how it is." Sam explained.
Dean noted that Sam didn't answer.
"Yeah about that why did you keep hunting?" Dean asked. Sam made eye contact for a moment before launching into an explanation.
"You know why Dean. After Martha got pregnant we decided one of us need to keep the family business going. I kept hunting so you could settle down."
Dean was momentarily silenced. That did sound like the self sacrificing thing his little brother would do but it didn't sound like Dean. He would have never let his brother, his family go hunting without backup or go on hunting when he could have lived a normal life with Dean.
"Sam I have to go. I'm sorry." Dean hastily explained before leaping up from the table and dashing out of the restaurant. What was happening to him? He felt as though he was a step out of sync with the world around him. It was more than that though. It was as if a piece of Dean had stayed in bed while he walked around completing tasks. A strong desire for a beer overcame him but Dean shook it off. He needed to clear his mind not make it fuzzier with inebriation. He began walking with no destination. He thought Sam might come running out of the restaurant after him but he didn't. Another warning sign began flashing annoyingly inside his head.
Cas watched Dean live out his life and it broke him. He watched Dean wake up and play with his son. Watched as he walked into the kitchen and kissed his wife. Watched as he was happy. It was the kind of happiness Cas could only dream about giving Dean. He watched and screamed inside his head. Dean would not just forget about him that easily. Even if he was placed right in the middle of a life he always wanted. He could not forget him. A small part of Cas was glad Dean did not remember him. Remembering Cas came with heartache and reality. It came with more dead family members than anyone could stomach. It came with the potential and high possibility of loss. Cas loved Dean more than he had ever realized before and watching him be happy without him was difficult.
"Oh don't worry Castiel. He's not really happy." Jeeves said with a tone of irritation.
"Stay out of my head." Cas threatened.
"What do you mean?" Sam asked.
"Dean is close to figuring it out. He's already noticed there is something not quite right about the world we put him. I am sure he will be remembering Castiel any moment now. He's rather impressive." Jeeves admitted bitterly. Cas tasted blood on his tongue. He had not realized he had been chewing on the inside of his lip while watching Dean. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to meet Sam's gaze.
"Don't worry. He'll remember you." Sam consoled. Cas was not convinced.
"He would remember you but I am..." Cas trailed off.
"The love of his life?" Sam finished.
"Is that what I am? Watching him with this family it does not seem like it." Cas replied.
"Oh poor me my boyfriend was happy sleeping with a woman. You people are the worst." Jeeves sounded off from the corner.
"Can we kill him yet?" Cas asked through gritted teeth.
"Not until you're cured." Sam answered.
"Are you two going to watch Sherlock over here figure it out?" Jeeves asked pointing through the window. Cas looked over to see Dean walking around a park with his hands in his jacket.
Despite circling the park three times Dean could not figure out what was wrong. Normally in this situation he would talk it through with Sam or he would call for help. Sam was clearly not an option as he was part of the problem. He wrapped his fingers around the phone in his pocket and pulled it out. He scrolled down the list and made a mental tick of the dead names still stored there. His gaze paused for a fraction of a second longer on Bobby's name before moving on. He was searching for someone specifically but he could not remember their name. He reached the bottom of his small contact list and put his phone back in his pocket with frustration. There was someone missing. Dean was sure of it but he could not remember anything about the person. It was though he had gotten into a horrible accident and when he woke up in the hospital he could not remember anything about his life. Dean shook his head. He couldn't remember one person. Not his entire life. Besides he had woken up in his bed this morning not a hospital.
Hadn't he been in a hospital recently though, Dean wondered to himself making another circle around the park. He had a fuzzy memory of filling out paperwork while sitting around a room with solemn looking people while doctors filtered in and out. Dean concentrated trying to remember who he was filing out paperwork for. It wasn't for himself or Sam but someone else. He couldn't remember. A feeling of helplessness crept through him. He pushed through it and tried to remember who was at the hospital with him. He was certain that remembering this person would help him solve all of his other memory problems. Trying to remember gave him a feeling he hadn't been aware he was missing until now. He felt safe.
The realization struck Dean all at once. Blue eyes stared up at him from a hospital bed looking resentful. Memories of signing the man out and bringing him home ran through Dean's mind. He helped the man get into bed and came around the opposite side of the mattress to cuddle with him. Dean pulled away from the memory for a moment. Was he in love with a man? Dean wondered slightly confused. He thought about that night again. The man had started crying and he had held back his own tears to comfort him. Yep. Definitely in love with a man Dean reasoned.
Dean was tracing his fingers up and down the man's back consoling him. He was whispering softly, telling him he would fix it. He would fix him. Cas. He had forgotten Cas. Dean felt his heart leap as he suddenly remembered all of Castiel. How could he have forgotten? Before Dean had time to come to a reasonable conclusion the ground beneath him began to shake. He dropped to all fours and held on. The sky went bright and he closed his eyes against the light.
When he opened his eyes he was standing in a large white room that could have gone on for ages. Jeeves was standing next to him and the memories of the passed few months flooded back into his mind.
Cas pressed his nose against what seemed like glass. He was staring at Dean standing next to Jeeves. His heart was hammering against his chest. Dean had remembered him. He hadn't completely forgotten Cas even when he had been given a real life. If Cas wasn't so afraid of what would happen next he would have felt overjoyed. Jeeves had said it would be the final task so why was Dean standing in that room?
"Sam, what is happening? Didn't he say that was the last task?" Cas asked.
"Yeah." Sam answered moving closer to the glass.
"Congratulations Dean." Cas heard Jeeves say to Dean as though he was in the room with them.
"Thanks. Are you going to heal Cas now?" Dean asked immediately. Jeeves let out an exasperated sigh.
"Not quite." he answered. Dean looked outraged.
"What?" He asked simply.
"I will heal him, of course but there is a price." Jeeves explained.
"Of course." Dean rolled his eyes as he said this. "Isn't that what all these trials were for?"
"No." Jeeves answered.
"At the risk of sounding like a broken record, what?" Dean asked again.
"Those were to prove your value, to see if you and "Cas" were worthy." Jeeves answered. Dean did not respond right away. He looked as though he was processing the information just presented to him. A queasy feeling settled in Cas' stomach. Blessed with higher powers of deduction he knew the price of saving a life would be high.
"Alright, so what's the price?" Dean asked.
Without hesitation Jeeves answered "You are."
Cas heard a high pitched ringing in his ears. He could not feel anything. He saw Dean look down at the ground and smile slightly but could not register what it meant. It was though all of his practice at being human had left. He had become an angel void of emotions and understanding once again. He felt Sam shift at his side but did not think about what the action meant. He was screaming inside his head. It was safer. He could not even pause for a moment and think about Dean sacrificing himself for him. And he would. Dean who was selfless to the point of danger would most certainly give up his life for Cas. Fear spilled out of him.
"We have to stop him." Cas said before Dean had even answered.
"How?" Sam asked coming to the same conclusions. Dean looked up at Jeeves and simply said "okay."
"Okay?" Jeeves asked surprised. Dean shrugged his shoulders.
"Yeah. Okay. Do it. My life for his." Dean answered. Jeeves stared at Dean for a moment.
"Are you sure you know what you are doing?" He asked.
"Of course I do." Dean answered. Jeeves stared at Dean skeptically.
"Indulge me." Jeeves said waving his hand. Projected from nowhere an image of Castiel floated above Dean's head. Confused Cas moved in place. The image did not move. Dean turned to face the floating representation. As soon as he did the faux Cas' shoulder began to shake. He was sobbing. Dean moved forward.
"What are you..." he trailed off when another hand gripped Cas' shoulders.
"This is what happens after you die." Jeeves explained quietly. Cas watched his life without Dean play out and felt sick.
He was standing over a burning funeral pyre. Silently tears leaked from his eyes. The scene flashed forward. He was stumbling into a liquor store and then a bar. Ashamed the real Cas looked down at his feet. When he looked up again he was in a stranger's bed smoking. He looked miserable. His future without Dean played on. Meaningless sex, drugs, and emptiness played for five whole minutes. The show ended suddenly with Cas in a warm bathtub water turning red.
"That cannot be true." Cas whispered feeling the need to defend himself against. Dean said nothing. He stared at the empty space where the movie played.
"Don't you see what he does with your sacrifice Dean? He squanders it." Jeeves spit out with a malice he had not shown.
"He becomes a drunk who travels from one warm body to the next looking for a connection. He's always searching for someone to replace you. And you know what? He never finds it. He becomes a pathetic shell of a man after you die Dean. You leave and he loses every single thing that makes him Castiel. Every single thing that makes you love him. And you really want to give up your life so that he can fulfill a meaningless sorrow driven existence?" Jeeves asked. Dean did not reply. He stared at the same spot.
Cas wished he could yell and scream at Dean that it was not true but he realized it would be better if Dean thought it was. At least this way Dean would not sacrifice himself for Cas. Cas who had been alive for more than a thousand years. At least this way Dean would live. Dean looked down at his hands.
"Show me what my life will be like without Cas." Dean said solemnly.
"No." Jeeves answered. Dean turned to face him.
"What do you mean no?" Dean asked
"I mean no. Make your choice. You or Castiel." Jeeves answered plainly. Dean thought for a second and let out a small sigh.
"Cas." He replied.
"Fine." Jeeves said reaching out.
"Dean no!" Cas screamed pounding against the windows. Sam grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back. Cas started fighting against the restraint.
"Let me go Sam." He yelled. Sam said nothing. He drew Cas against him. Jeeves grabbed Dean's wrist and he fell to the floor.
Cas let out a small breathless "no" before sinking out of Sam's grip. In shock and on his knees he saw Jeeves blink into existence across the room. In an instant Cas was on his feet.
Sam beat him to it. He had crossed the room and had his hand around Jeeves' neck.
"I can't heal Castiel if you kill me Sam." Jeeves chocked out. Sam glanced back at him.
"Don't you want to fulfill your brother's last wish." Jeeves continued. Sam glared at him but slowly released his grip. Jeeves straightened his shirt and walked over to Cas.
"Do not heal me." Cas warned.
"Cas" Sam said softly.
"No Sam. You saw it. My future without Dean. What would be the point?" Cas asked nearly choking on the tears running down his face.
"You're going to let him die for nothing?" Jeeves asked annoyed.
"Bring him back. Undo it." Cas ordered. Jeeves made a small noise with his mouth before saying "Yeah, can't do that. Dead is dead."
"Then save someone else. Anyone else. I won't live without Dean." Cas said furthering the distance between him and Jeeves.
Jeeves let out an annoyed sigh and roll his eyes.
"You two are just awful." he said before waving his hand. The door they walked through swung open and their library was on the other side. Sitting slumped over in a chair was Dean. Cas ran through the door and fell to his knees in front of the chair. He laid his head in Dean's lap and let out small controlled sobs.
"Oh don't worry. He isn't dead." Jeeves said from behind him. Cas looked up and blinked tears out of his eyes.
"What?" he asked with barely contained rage.
"He's just knocked out. That was the final test. He had to be willing to give up his life for yours otherwise what's the point."
Cas had not realized he had gotten to his feet. He was crossing the room with the sole intention of murdering the being who had tortured them for the last few hours. Cas felt an arm circle his waste and pull him back. Dean had woken up.
"Why didn't you tell us that?" Sam asked sounding just as angry as Cas felt.
"Where is the fun in that? Besides Castiel had to reject it. There is a whole set of rules in play here that you wouldn't understand. I don't even understand it really." Jeeves monologued.
No one said anything for a moment. Jeeves clapped his hands together.
"Now, Castiel can I heal you or are you still thinking about murdering me." he asked. Dean's hand dropped away from Cas' waist. Cas walked a few steps forward and allowed Jeeves to reach out an touch him. A warmness spread through him for a moment and then it was gone.
"Is that it?" Dean asked.
"Yes. Congratulations Dean. You are the only one who has ever been worthy. That I have seen anyway." Jeeves said. Cas watched as Jeeves crossed the room and walked through the still open doorway. Quickly he turned around to face them.
"Don't call us again." He threatened before closing the door. As soon as the door closed it disappeared completely. Silence spread throughout the room.
"Does anyone want a beer?" Sam said breaking the silence.
"Please." Dean answered. Sam walked out of the room leaving Dean and Cas alone.
"How you feeling Cas?" Dean asked him moving closer to eliminate the space between them.
"Better" Cas answered before punching Dean in the face.
"Cas! What the hell?" Dean nearly yelled while he was doubled over holding his face.
"Never sacrifice yourself for me again Dean Winchester." Cas explained.
"Psh. I am not sure I will want to after this." Dean said wiping blood away from his lips. Cas moved forward and put his hand on Dean's chest. He looked into the green eyes and smashed his mouth against the bleeding lips. He clung to Dean afraid to let go. Dean broke their kiss apart with a small "ow". Cas smiled and grabbed Dean's hand.
"Let's go upstairs." He said softly pulling Dean behind him.