Chapter 10 - Happy: "You'll make it now."

Having spoken with his boss and handed in his resignation, and decided on a member of the team to fill his position, Leonard suggested he and Penny make use of the last few days of his paid-for hotel - something she happily agreed to doing. They enjoyed the hotel food and made use of the room service. He would work on his final paper for the team whilst she was at work; due to his extra time now, this arrangement worked well for them both.

Penny handed in her contract stating that she would not be returning. She informed her parents that she would be coming back to Pasadena, and they were more than delighted to hear that she was back together with Leonard, and happy at last. Apologizing for cutting them off, Penny promised that she would visit them as soon as she could when they returned, and they told her to definitely bring Leonard with her.

During their final few days staying at his hotel, they agreed that it was a good idea for him to simply move in with Penny, rather than find somewhere else to stay. Although the idea scared her a little at first, she knew that she wanted him to move in with her, and that they had practically been living together anyway. The knowledge that she was going to wake up in his arms, and come home to him waiting for her after work, overpowered that small fear she had by a mile. The fear wasn't of him moving in, it was of things moving quickly - but after almost two years of being stuck in the same place, moving quickly was actually quite refreshing.

As Penny still had three months left, they unpacked all of Leonard's things when he moved in. As he travelled a lot, he would alternate between what he took with him to the hotels and what he kept in storage until he went away on the ship. Now, he would be here for longer, they had all his stuff delivered to him and set up in the apartment.

"This place will never be home, but with you and all your things here, it feels so much closer than it ever was." Penny said, looking around the bedroom.

While it was only a percentage of the things Leonard owned, most of it being still in Pasadena, the things he had taken with him and that now decorated the apartment definitely made an impact on the appearance and feel of the place.

Walking over to her, Leonard placed his hands on her waist and gave her forehead a kiss. "I'm glad to hear it. I haven't really had a home since I left, so this is... this is nice."

"You still had your place in Pasadena."

"I know, but... I separated myself from all of that, it hasn't felt like home for a long time now."

Penny nodded slowly, inching her face closer to his. "I know. I know how that feels." She placed her lips over his tenderly, wrapping her arms around his neck. Pulling back, she gave him a small smile. "But at least we have this now."

"True." Leonard nodded.

For the first couple of weeks, they settled into life together calmly (though this word hardly applied to the nights) and contentedly. When Penny wasn't at work, they would usually stay home and simply relax in each others company, or go around the city exploring and making the most of out of being there.

With Leonard there with her, the city seemed a lot more exciting to Penny. For the first time in a long time, her enthusiasm for life had returned. The spark in her eye was there almost all the time, and for Leonard, that spark was the second most beautiful thing he had ever seen - the first being Penny herself. Her laugh was infectious and her smile would bring out his goofy smile, which only made her smile even more. Leonard finally felt at home, and he finally felt like his old self again. He hadn't noticed it before, but all the displacement and constant work had made him incredibly tired and stressed, and having the time to actually enjoy life, and relax, and not be worrying about Penny all the time was a wonderful feeling.

Everybody at work noticed the change in Penny, and she introduced Leonard to all her cast mates and friends, beaming with happiness. He came to see the show again and she took him around the theater, showing him this integral part of her life and allowing him to understand it and how important this job had been to her in moving along when she had realized she was never going to be able to move on. When he had started apologizing, she reminded him that that was no longer the point or the case - she was happier now and the place would make her eternally grateful for stepping outside at the right time and seeing him there, lost, not realizing that things were finally going to change for the better.

After a few weeks, having settled in and come down slowly from the high of emotions that came with their reunion, they agreed that they needed to discuss what was going to happen once Penny finished her run in the play.

"I'll go to see the estate agent next week and tell them I won't renew my lease and get that sorted out." Penny said, throwing a blanket over herself and Leonard and tucking her knees beneath her and to the side.

"You want me to come with you? I'm not doing anything anyway and it'll make it easier, and the visit less boring." Leonard offered, putting an arm around her.

"Hmm, that would be nice." Penny nodded. She nestled her head on his shoulder, so his chin rested gently on top of her head, and sat there for a while, deep in thought. "You still pay rent for 4A, don't you?"

"Yeah. I never really had it in me to give up that place or make Sheldon deal with it no longer being our place and him having to sort all my stuff out and find a new roommate."

"Aww. He probably still has a hope that you'll come back. Not that he'll ever admit that."

"Well, I will be coming back, so it's a good thing I didn't give up my share of the apartment. I should probably tell him, now I think of it..." Leonard pondered for a moment. "Wonder how he'll take it. He probably misses you being across the hall too, but he definitely won't admit that."

Silent for a moment, Penny brought her hand beneath the blanket to play with the hem of his t-shirt. "Or, you know, Sheldon might not be so happy about you coming back."

"What? Why not?" Leonard frowned.

"With the apartment... maybe you don't tell him you're coming back to 4A." Penny said slowly, her heart racing as she tried to think of a way to word what she was trying to tell Leonard. "Or that I'm coming back to 4B."

"But... why?"

Sighing, Penny bit her lip. "Maybe you'll have to see how he takes the fact that you're coming back but not to 4A."

"Umm, you just made me effectively homeless."

Giggling at this lightly, Penny tapped his stomach gently. "No, that's not what I mean." Chewing on her bottom lip, she sat up, looking at him for a moment with a concentrated expression on her face. "Alright. You can tell me if you think this idea is stupid, but do you promise not to laugh at me?"

"Why would I laugh at you?"

"Because... alright, I'm just going to say it, okay?" Penny pursed her lips together before taking a deep breath. "I think that we should get a place together."

"I-" Leonard began, but failed to continue, trying to work out if she had just said what he thought she had.

"Here, listen, let me explain." Penny gave a small nod. "I... I love our apartments in Pasadena. Even though we have to climb four flights of stairs. But... I like living with you, Leonard. I know it's only temporary here but it makes me happy to have you around all the time. When you were gone I was cooped up in 4B, avoiding 4A because it got to the stage I'd feel lost there without you, and... I don't think I can ever call those places home anymore or remove the feelings I started to associate them with. Maybe that's a lot to take in but it's... it's easier to tell you this than make myself go back there and pretend I'm okay with it."

Taking in everything she had just said, Leonard nodded slowly, staring at her. "Okay." He smiled gently at Penny. "We can do that. If that is what you want and need, then of course we can do that. I would love to live with you."

"Really?" Penny blinked rapidly in disbelief.

"Yes. I'm glad that you told me that now rather than put yourself through that. As long as you feel ready to be living together-"

"I absolutely do. Seriously. I want us to live together and I want us to find our own place where we can just... where it's just us."

"Of course." Leonard brought a hand up to cup her cheek, stroking her skin lightly with his thumb. Her eyes fluttered closed at his touch. "What do you say we go to Nebraska first? Spend a week or two there, just relax away from both London and Pasadena, before we really go back."

Nodding, Penny kept her eyes shut. "I would like that." She stayed like that for a moment, before opening her eyes again to look at him. "Thank you, Leonard."

"What for?"

"For all of this." She smiled at him; a smile that came from her heart. Pausing, her smile began to falter slightly. "Remember a few weeks ago, when I took you around my work, and I told you that I was happier now?"

"Yes."

Slowly, she lifted her hands up, palms facing him, spreading out her fingers. The cuts and marks had faded over the weeks, but he could still remember seeing them. A lump rose in his throat and his brows instinctively furrowed in worry. Penny shook her head. "Please don't react like that, Leonard. There's nothing there now. I want to show you something."

"Sorry. I just... I just keep remembering how your hands looked. Sorry." He gave a small nod. "Go on."

"The day before you left. That's the last time my hands looked like this because it was the last time I remember feeling happy."

"I-"

"No, I need to explain this. It's important. I can't finish this journey unless I tell you about it. Because I know it bothers you and I want to explain, and it also gives me some closure. Okay?" She raised her brows at him, and he nodded. "The first night, I just squeezed my hands for comfort. Like this." She folded her thumbs in, wrapping her fingers over the top and squeezing gently. "It was like... like a stress relief method." Dropping her hands down, she interlocked their fingers. "It worked for a while but I started applying more pressure whenever I felt worse. And then it wasn't enough, so I would take my thumbs out so I could squeeze harder. It wasn't for a long time that I actually started to dig my fingernails into my skin. Not too much at first because I was scared people would know what I was doing. Sometimes I would do it when I was with my therapist. She explained about self-harm but at the time, it didn't feel like it was - it felt good, it was a distraction, so why should I stop? That's when I started covering it up by pretending I was tugging on my sleeves because I was cold." Biting her lip, she looked down at their hands briefly. "I don't think I should tell you when I found out I could make my hands physically bleed or how... how much it took away from whatever I was feeling at the time. Sometimes people would notice and ask but I could just shrug it off. I guess nobody really cared as much as you ever did about me."

"Penny..." Leonard could feel tears stinging at his eyes. But he wasn't going to cry; she was being so strong in telling him this, he didn't want to upset her even more. "I really wish it hadn't gotten to that stage."

"I know." Looking back up at him, her eyes were guilty. "It took me a long time to stop doing it so often. But I couldn't help feeling angry or upset sometimes. I did it when I was stressed, or scared, or nervous too. It just happened. I hated feeling like that so much, Leonard."

"It's okay to feel like that."

"Perhaps, but I really hated it. Anyway... when I saw you outside the theater, I automatically did it. I pulled the sleeves of my jacket over my hands and held them there with my thumbs so my hands weren't visible. Not because I was scared, or angry or upset, I was just nervous and it was my coping mechanism. It made it easier to just go up to you and talk to you. I didn't make them bleed but it left marks. That's why for the first few days I tended to keep my hands where you wouldn't see them, until the marks faded. Then I stopped for a little while until you said you were leaving. I didn't realize I was doing it in the cab but I couldn't stop myself and then..."

Trailing off, she let go of his hands and brought her own back up. "The point is... the point is that I'm finally happy. Not happier, but happy. Fully happy." Penny grinned now, placing her hands back together with his. "The fact that you listen to me and accept what I'm telling you, rather than try to question me or figure it out for me - that means a lot to me. What I did to myself... that's something I can put in the past now, but I don't have to keep it a secret from you. If I learned anything, it's that I should tell you things. And telling you this means the end of that journey, for me." She took a deep breath. "Knowing that we get to go back, together, and start with a fresh perspective... knowing that the next big step I take is going to be with you, that makes me happy. It makes me really happy." She kissed him softly on the lips. "You make me happy."

"I'm glad you're happy." Leonard said, the words coming from his heart without having to think about it. If this was something she needed to tell him to allow herself to move on from it, then he was going to allow her to do that without him interfering. "Your happiness makes me happy." Placing his lips over hers, he kissed her deeply, before pulling away and grinning at her. "Pass my laptop, let's look at apartments in Pasadena."

Penny's eyes lit up, beaming. "Really?"

"Yeah." Leonard chuckled. "Let's find our new home."